Rae

 

It was a week since the Basketball game, but still, Rae was mortified by the whole, ridiculous episode. She knew it was stupid to still be worrying about it, but she couldn’t help how she felt.

When Daisy arrived home from the hospital, on the night of the game, and found Rae making her way through a tub of Baskin Robbins ice-cream, she knew straight away that something was very wrong. Without saying a word, she sat down next to Rae and waited for her to tell her what happened.

“HE’S A PRIEST!” Daisy exclaimed when Rae finished telling her friend every last detail.

“I know,” Rae groaned as she slumped back onto the sofa and buried her face in a pillow.

“He’s a priest,” Daisy repeated, but this time she followed her statement with a fit of laughter.

“You’re laughing?” Rae said as she dropped the pillow and stared at her friend in disbelief. “Seriously!”

“I’m sorry,” Daisy gasped through her laughter, as she wiped away tears from her eyes. “But seriously, you finally meet someone that you actually like, and he is a priest.”

Once again Daisy howled with laughter.

“I’m sorry I told you,” Rae sighed as she reached for her tub of ice-cream on the table and began to scoop it into her mouth once more.

“Oh, come on, Rae,” Daisy said as she tried her hardest to control her laughter. “Even you have to see the funny side of this. So you flirted with a priest, what’s the big deal?”

“It’s not that I flirted with him,” Rae said as she sat her ice-cream back down and looked at her friend. “How am I supposed to go back there tomorrow?”

“You really liked him, didn’t you?” Daisy said as her smiled faded.

“I barely knew him,” Rae quickly replied not really wanting to admit anything else. She knew it all seemed stupid and overly dramatic. There really was nothing to be upset over, so she had no idea why she was. “We bumped into each other a few times, literally. I mean I never even had a proper conversation with him…”

“But you liked him,” Daisy finished her friends thought.

“I know it’s stupid,” Rae sighed. “I mean, like I said, we barely even had a conversation, but he seemed…nice.”

“Nice?” Daisy raised her eyebrows. “You don’t get this upset over nice.”

“Well,” Rae said with a sad smile. “Nice is underestimated. I want nice. I just need to stop being such a drama queen. I need to just get over it.”

“So what are you going to do?” Daisy asked.

“I will call tomorrow,” Rae shrugged. “Tell the agency to send another sub.”

“You’re not going back!” Daisy exclaimed, surprised by her friend's response. “Why ever not?”

“How can I?” Rae asked, reaching for her ice-cream once more. “I totally humiliated myself. I mean, he’s a priest for crying out loud.”

“I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think,” Daisy said as she took the spoon from her friend’s hand, then took the ice-cream.

“I just don’t know if I can face him again,” Rae sighed. “I’m so embarrassed.”

“If you want to quit, quit,” Daisy replied, as she dug into the tub of ice-cream. “It’s just, the Rachel Sullivan I know, is no quitter.”

Rae knew Daisy was right. She knew not going back to Saint Mike’s was beyond stupid. So the next day she went back. She was determined that she was going to walk into the school and hold her head high. So what if she flirted with A.J. She wasn’t to know that he was a priest, so she was not to blame, and she was sure in time that she would see the funny side of it too.

At least, that’s what she told herself until she reached the door of the office, and spotted A.J through the glass door. The moment she saw him, her face flushed once more with embarrassment, and she stopped dead in her tracks.

How had she gotten things so messed up? She had flirted with him, even though she never flirted with anyone. Rae felt confused because he hadn’t seemed uncomfortable with her when she did. It was almost like he liked it. Had he being just laughing at her all along?

She stood for a moment and watched him as he chatted happily with Mrs. Graham. Rae could see that he was still buzzing from the game the night before. He was probably even more gorgeous than she remembered and she hated that she still felt attracted to him.

Rae took a deep breath and reached for the door, but suddenly she stopped as her mind recalled every horrible thing Dean had ever said to her right at that exact moment, and every tiny insecurity she had inside her, bubbled to the surface. Rae hated that she was so weak and pathetic, but it’s who she was. It was what Dean had done to her.

As Rae watched him through the door, she knew in her heart that she wouldn’t be able to face him; not right then at that moment. So she turned and made her way back along the corridor to her classroom.

And that’s pretty much how the following week went.

Each day, Rae arrived at the school early, and each day she would hide herself away in her classroom. She knew it was stupid, and maybe even childish, but it just seemed easier than having to face A.J.

Rae knew it wasn’t the best plan in the world, but it had worked for her. Or at least it had, until that day.

She had arrived early at the school, just like she had all week. When she did, she walked down to the office and smiled with relief when she saw that the entire office was empty. She pushed open the door and hurried to her cubby hole. Rae didn’t waste any time. She grabbed her belongings and shoved them into her bag before she hurried back towards the hallway.

The moment she stepped out through the door, she spotted A.J at the far end of the hallway, talking to one of the other teachers. Rae knew she would have to pass him to get to her classroom, and her heart sank into her stomach.

You’re being a child! Rae scolded herself in her mind. You need to get over yourself.

She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders, deciding she needed to just walk to her classroom, and grow the hell up.

Just as she was about to set off down the hallway, A.J looked up, and his eyes met hers. He smiled the moment he saw her and Rae’s heart hammered in her chest. She hated that she was so affected by this man, but she was. She returned his smile, but then something hit her like a brick wall, and without thinking, she turned and hurried down the corridor in the other direction.

As she rounded the corridor, a feeling of panic rose up inside her, and she knew she needed to find somewhere quiet and safe for her to gather her thoughts. As she hurried along the corridor, she tried a couple of doors, hoping to find sanctuary behind one of them, every second her anxiety growing inside her, making it harder for her to breathe.

Finally, she pulled on a door that was open and stepped inside, quickly closing it behind her. She closed her eyes, pressed her head against the door, and took several deep breaths.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She whispered to herself.

Gradually her heart began to slow, and her breathing eased. Rae slowly stepped back and straightened herself up. She needed to gather herself and get to class. She took a deep breath and turned around, deciding she needed a few more moments before she made her way to her classroom.

When she turned around, she was stunned to find herself back in the dance studio. She set her bag down on the floor and slowly walked to the middle of the room, and closed her eyes. Even though the room was musty and covered in a layer of dust, there was still the faint smell of polish from the floor, and the unmistakable smell of Rosin and Arnica Gel, mixed with the faintest smell of make-up and sweat.

It was familiar and comforting to Rae, and the memories made her smile. But just like before, thoughts of Dean began to creep back into her head, but this time she quickly shut those thoughts down.

Instead, Rae let herself remember the good times she spent in her dance studios and she was instantly transported back in time, to a place where she had spent so many happy hours. It was strangely comforting to be back in a studio after all these years.

She remembered the last routine she had spent hours learning before Dean had hurt her. Each step was still fresh in her head, carved into her mind just like every dance she had ever learned.

Suddenly the music she had danced to back then, filled her mind, and almost like every muscle in her body remembered, kind of like an instinct, she began to move slowly.

Her heart began to race once more, but this time it wasn’t from panic, it was something else; something much deeper. It was like she had finally come home.

At first, her movements were small and incomplete, like she was fighting every natural urge she had to dance. But little by little her body began to move as if on its own and for the first time in the longest time, she could fight back her instincts no longer.

Rae moved in time with the song that was playing in her mind. She was surprised how natural it felt to her after so long, but it did. She remembered every step, every twist and turn.

Rae felt like she was finally shaking off the old ghosts of her past.

By the time the dance finished, and she had dropped to the floor, she felt like something had changed deep inside her. Like the tiny parts of her soul that had once been shattered and broken were now starting to find each other, and were trying to become whole once more.

“That was amazing,” A.J’s voice cut into the silence in the room, almost killing Rae with fright.

As quickly as it had disappeared, her anxiety returned with such force, she thought she was going to be sick.

 “How long have you been standing there?” Rae asked as she scrambled to her feet and she tried to keep control of her emotions.

“Long enough,” he said as he took a nervous step further into the room. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you…I just…you are an amazing dancer.”

“It’s fine,” Rae said as she squared her shoulders and swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat. She had no idea why, but she had an overwhelming desire to cry. However, crying was the last thing she was going to do. She had humiliated herself enough in front of this man; she was not going to do it again.  She walked to where she had left her bag on the floor and picked it up. “I should be getting to class.”

“Rae,” A.J said as he took hold of her arm and stopped her from walking away. “Have I done something to upset you?”

“I’m not upset,” Rae replied as she turned to look at him defiantly.

“Then you haven’t been avoiding me?” A.J asked, stunning Rae completely.

“I don’t even know you,” she replied as a tiny wave of annoyance washed over her, but she wasn’t sure who she was more annoyed with. “So why would I be avoiding you?”

“It’s just,” he shrugged as he looked into her eyes. “I thought we were friends, or at least we could be, but then you seemed to be going out of your way to avoid seeing me.”

“I haven’t,” Rae insisted even though she knew it was a lie.

Lying to a priest! She thought to herself. Mom would tell me that I am going to hell.

“Oh, okay,” A.J replied as he finally released her arm from his grasp. “I just thought it might have been the priest thing.”

“The priest thing?” Rae asked, as her heart almost stopped. She couldn’t believe she was actually having this conversation with him. Did he think it was okay for her to like him, even though he was a priest? Rae felt so conflicted.

“Well, people can be nice and friendly,” A.J replied with a shrug. “But when they discover you’re a priest, they can…well, it often gets weird.”

“Weird?” Rae asked, and she couldn’t help but giggle.

“Like I’m not a real person,” A.J explained and gave her a half smile. “Like they have to behave a certain way in front of me, or I will condemn them to burn in hell or something. At least that’s how it seems.”

Rae couldn’t help but laugh at his comment. She knew it was a laugh of relief as much as it was that she found what he said sweet, in a funny kind of way.

“No, it’s not the priest thing,” Rae replied and gave him a smile. Despite everything, she still liked him. He was sweet, and she couldn’t help but feel drawn to him. “It’s just; I try to keep to myself when I work in a school. It makes it easier to move on.”

“That sounds kind of lonely,” A.J said and smiled. Rae wanted to tell him that’s how she liked it. That she was happy in her world and she had no intentions of changing. But something stopped her. Something about A.J made her want to be honest.

“It can be,” Rae replied honestly. “But it’s my way of self-preservation.”

“Preservation from what?” A.J asked as he gave Rae a curious look. “Or is it a who?”

Rae looked at him for a moment. For some reason, she felt like he could see past her walls, deep into her soul and it made her feel a little sad.

“No one that matters,” Rae replied with a sad smile as the first bell sounded. “I should be going.”

“Okay,” A.J nodded and smiled too. Rae turned and reached for the door, but before he opened it, A.J stepped closer to her and held the door. “You know, I am always around here somewhere if you ever need to talk. I can be a friend.”

“I know,” Rae said as she looked up and him and smiled. “And I’m grateful, but I’m okay; honestly.”

“Well, just don’t be a stranger,” A.J replied. “Saint Mike’s is a special place. I believe God brought you here for a reason.”

“Maybe,” Rae said and smiled once more before she turned and headed out the door.

As she walked along the corridor, she thought about what A.J had said. Did she really believe that she had been brought there to Saint Michael’s by a higher power?

Her dad always said that everything happened for a reason. Rae wasn’t sure she believed in faith or a higher power.

All she knew was, she liked A.J, and if she could only have him as a friend, then that’s how it had to be.