Hawk
My chucks squeak against the cold white and black speckled tile of the hallway that leads to my mother’s room. The nurses’ station is empty. I’m not sure if the staff takes lunch at the same time, but knowing that anyone can come into the facility and into any room doesn’t sit right with me.
It’s been two days since I’ve seen Tessa, and it’s been hell staying away from her, but I’ve had other things more pressing. Like watching that fucker, Phil, go about his day. I needed to know his routine. It’s become essential for me to be one step ahead of him since I left him in that alley only a couple nights prior. Now that I’m thinking about Tessa, I wonder if she’s working today. I think she should be, but I don’t have her schedule nailed down. If she is, then I want to ask her about the policy of allowing the front desk to remain vacant like that.
I’m not sure where this sudden protectiveness of my mother has come from. I never thought I’d see the day where I didn’t want any harm to come to her. But I guess things change.
Like before, the door to her room is slightly ajar, so I push my way into the place. I clear my throat causing Rose to turn her head from the window and look at me. Recognition flashes in her eyes before sadness take over.
“Hi, Rose.” I clear my throat because I’m not sure where she is today. “Mom,” I correct myself.
“Hawking?” Her brows are creased, and the thin lines along her mouth are more pronounced. “This can’t be.” She’s talking to herself more than me, and this tells me that she doesn’t remember two days ago when she was speaking to me like we’ve chatted every day for my entire life.
“It’s me.” I wipe my sweating hands on the front of my jeans as I make my way farther into her room. I take a seat in the chair that’s always next to her bed. I wonder who else has sat here. I wonder if Tessa spends time with her while she’s working. Do the nurses take the time to chat with her? Or does she spend her days alone in this room? Have my sisters come by to see how she is?
She takes in my appearance. I’m dressed in dark jeans and a plain white T-shirt. I learned after my first visit not to wear my cut. The images, the patches that adorn the leather, hurt her, and that’s not what these visits are supposed to be about. Not anymore anyway. Not after I saw what was in that file, Dyke gave me.
“How?”
“I’ve been here, almost every day for the past couple of weeks.” I’m not going to handle her with kids gloves–not when I know that she’s lucid. I may go along with her thoughts when she’s not all there, I don’t think telling her what she thinks is wrong will help her. But now that she’s here, I’m going to be honest with her. I’m not sure how long she’ll be around for.
“I–I don’t understand?” She shakes her head as she pulls herself up in the bed.
“I have a friend that works here, and she told me you were here.” I keep that fact that Tessa is from back home out of the conversation. I’ve also learned that any talk of Las Cruses brings an adverse reaction and that makes her retreat into herself. This is tricky because I need to hear from her what my father did to make her flee New Mexico and leave her family all those years ago.
“Oh. I see,” she says as she tries to straighten her hair. “I wish I would have known you were coming by. I would have gotten ready.”
“You look beautiful.”
“You’re my son. You have to tell me that even if it’s not true.”
I can’t help my laugh a little at her personality, something I wish I grew up with. I have no doubt that what Bianca told me is true. She and Rose were thick as thieves when they were younger. It wasn’t the fact that their husbands ran the club together. They were friends because they wanted to be.
When I don’t say anything, she continues. “So, what brings you here? I mean, I left you. I’m sure you have questions. You might as well ask them before I’m no longer here.”
I sit up. “You aren’t going anywhere.”
“Oh, sweet son. You and I both know that isn’t true.” She pats the blanket next to her. “It’s been over twenty years, Hawking. Be a dear, even though I don’t deserve it, and come to sit near your mama.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat, unsure if I can be that physically close to her. I haven’t allowed myself to remember the times when I would sit on her lap with her arm wrapped around me. When I finally get the courage to look at her in the eye, I see the fear of rejection. She’s scared and rightfully so. She’s made mistakes, and I don’t think they’re just with me. I’m sure she’s live the past twenty years creating mistake after mistake.
Without another word, I get up from my seat and bring my leg up on the bed, taking up the spot where she had her hand. She doesn’t hesitate as she takes my hand in hers and rubs her thumb gently over my skin. I can feel the sting of my nose, and I fight against the emotions that are churning in my stomach. Tilting my head back, I look at the ceiling urging myself to get my emotions in check. You’re Devil’s Fury, Hawk. A man’s man. We do not break. The voice of my father rings through my mind.
“It’s okay, son. I’ve cried enough for the both of us,” she says as she pats my hand. I take a deep breath, and I roll my head in her direction. Tears roll down her cheeks, and it breaks my fucking heart. She doesn’t make a sound as she cries. She suffers in silence. When I reach up to wipe them from her face, she grabs my hand and brings it back down in my lap.
“I don’t deserve your kindness,” she whispers, but I know that’s far from the truth. She turns her head away from me, concentrating on what’s happening beyond this room, beyond her heartbreak.
“Mom?”
The voice from the other side of the room has me turning my head.
Rose squeezes my hand. “Rhea, baby. Your brother and I were just talking about you.”
I close my eyes because I know that I’ve lost the lucid Rose and I’m going to have to wait for us to have our talk. I pull my hand from hers and get off the bed. I don’t feel right sitting next to a woman who only thinks she knows me.
When Rhea’s gaze falls on me, I see how much she looks like our mother. This girl standing before me looks identical to the pictures Bianca has kept for me.
“And what are you talking about?” She lifts her brow at her question.
“Just about your graduation this coming June. How I’m doing my best to get home in time. Hawking is making sure my plants aren’t dying, isn’t that right, Hawking? We all know your father doesn’t have a green thumb on either hand.” She laughs from behind me as I continue to take in my sister. There’s no way this girl is still in high school.
She crosses her hands over her chest and hitches her hip to the side. Her eyes narrow in on me. “Is that right, brother? You keeping our mother’s plants watered?”
“Now don’t test him, Rhea. We both know he’s too busy to have to take your lip, young lady.”
I look back at Rose who’s trying to look behind Rhea.
“Where’s Loa? I thought she’d be with you.”
“No, Mom, Loa’s at school. You remember?”
“That’s right,” Rose sighs behind me. “Always into her studies. She knows how important it is to your father that she gets through law school so she can work at your father’s firm. Always trying to please your daddy.”
“I need to get going,” I blurt out. I turn toward my mother and give a kiss to her cheek. “I’ll see you later.” She smiles back at me. Her eyes seem clouded, not as clear as they were when I first arrived. Another sign that I need to remember. Learning to read her and her mindset is extremely helpful.
“I’ll walk you out, brother,” Rhea says before I turn around to face her.
As soon as I pass her and make my way from the room, I feel her grab at my arm. “What the hell are you doing here?” She rises to her tiptoes trying to get into my face. The one has some fire in her gut.
“How old are you?” I ask without answering her question.
“Twenty, why?”
“So you aren’t graduating from high school, and you aren’t old enough to drink, yet you smell like alcohol? How about you tell me why that is?”
She rolls her eyes, dropping from her toes. “Oh please, don’t play the brother card now. It’s far too late for that shit.”
I rub my hand over my face. “I didn’t know I had a sister until Rose told me when I first showed up.”
“What do you mean first showed up?”
I take a deep breath, trying to calm my anger. “I’ve been here for a while.”
“Unbelievable,” she huffs.
“Yeah, maybe if you took the time to come and see our mother you would have known that. I haven’t seen a hide nor hair of anyone since I came to town. How the hell do you call yourself a daughter and not come and see her when she’s sick?”
“Don’t judge me. And she’s not sick, she’s an alcoholic.”
“Yeah, and it looks like you aren’t too far behind. Are you even in school?”
Her gaze drops to the ground. Of course, she’s not in school any longer.
“Where’s your dad?”
When she looks at me, her face is sullen. She shrugs. “Dad doesn’t give a shit about me. His only concern is Loa.”
I run my hand through my hair, pulling at its ends. I really don’t need this shit. “Look–”
“No, you look. My entire life I’ve lived in a shadow of two people. One being my brother, a ghost really, someone that my mother missed, but never enough to go find. Or maybe she knew you were better off without her, I don’t know. The existence of you has always been a mystery. Hawking, the name that we could never mention no matter how many questions we had. For the majority of my life, she’s lived her life as if she were in mourning. Never fully there for me, always living in the past and regret of whatever decisions she’s made. Then there’s Loa, my father’s precious first born. She walks on water and can never do any wrong in his eyes. But me, me, I have to look like my mother, share the eyes of a brother I never met, and own the look of disgust from my father.”
I take a step towards her, but she puts her hand up, stopping me.
“I’m not a child. I grew up a long time ago, and I don’t need you thinking that you need to protect me. Keep living your life, and I’ll live mine. I’ve never needed you, and I’m not going to start now.” She turns on her heel and goes back into our mother’s room.
“Looks like you’ve met Rhea,” Martha says from behind me.
“Yeah, it looks that way.”
“And she’s the easy one. Wait until you meet Loa.” She laughs as she walks away.
Fucking great.