Hawk
“Hey, Heather. Can I get a beer, please?”
I’m in the clubhouse. It’s quiet, but then again, it's not like it used to be. It’s evolution, I guess. We’re all changing. The club is still what binds us, but it isn’t our livelihood anymore. Hell, the bounty hunting gigs are becoming few and far between. Kinda feels like an end to an era, something I haven’t allowed myself to stew upon because of all the shit that I’ve had going on in my life.
The club isn’t growing like it was a few months ago when Louie Sr. was first killed. Many of the guys, me included, thought it was the perfect time to resurrect the club. To make it bigger than it ever was, but that didn’t happen. The bike building is growing. Our partnership with Choppers West is solid, and that’s where the money is. There was a time when every single one of us breathed this club, but now it’s turning more into a hobby.
“You okay?” She places a frosted mug in front of me.
It’s Friday. The only night that clubhouse is open. “Yeah.” I twist in my chair and look out into the room. The place is practically deserted. The music plays at a low tone, the dance floor is empty. If Tessa doesn’t pull through, I’ll have the responsibility of Sam. I’ll have a boy to look after, to mentor, to rise to be the best man he can possibly be. Am I qualified for that? I was walking these halls before my balls even dropped. Would I be okay with Sam doing the same? Will the club be here when it comes to that point? Fuck, would Tessa even want that for her son?
“Change isn’t a bad thing, Hawk.” I twist back in my chair.
“Why do you say that?” I take a sip of my beer.
Heather leans her elbow on the table. “I can see it by the look on your face. You’re at a crossroads, aren’t you?” I don’t respond. “You know you aren’t the only one. Look at Sin and Lick. They’ve been in your exact position. Not too long ago, either.” She smacks the bar and back away.
“What’s on your mind, kid?” Lick pulls the stool out next to me and takes a seat.
“That’s a loaded question. And remember, you don’t fucking talk about feelings and shit.”
A smile spreads across his face. “You fucking got me there. But try me. I’m totally in touch with all the feminine shit these days.”
“Fuck me. Tylan Lick McCoy wants to talk? Jenni is a God damned miracle worker.”
“Don’t be a dick.”
“Says the biggest dick of all of us.”
“Yes, it’s a known fact that I do in fact have the biggest dick in the club. This isn’t new information. But I do see what you’re doing. You’re doing the exact same shit that I used to do. It’s called avoidance, and you need to stop.”
I balk at him. “Holy shit.” I look around. “Who the hell are you right now?”
“Okay, I’m done fucking around. Let’s get this shit over with. I’d like to go home and fuck my wife.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Lick groans and rubs his hand over his bald head. “You’re at a point where you need to make some decisions, right? Jenni talked to Savannah.”
“Of, course she did.”
“Tessa isn’t doing good, Hawk. You can’t have the mindset that you’ve got the time to make things right. If you want something, then fucking do it because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. You and I both know that. We’ve witnessed too much fucking death to think otherwise.”
“Is there a difference between what you want and what you need to do?”
“Yes. Those are the decisions that we have to make as adults. It’s never fucking easy, and sometimes it fucking messy.”
“I’ve wanted Tessa Reese my entire life, man. Even back as kids, I wanted her, but I thought she was better off without the club life.”
“Club life is in her blood, man.”
He’s not wrong.
“Well, none of us knew that, and things were different back then.”
“You’re right. But it’s not the same life, so you can’t use that as an excuse. So what’s the next thing you’ve got?”
“I’m not sure if I’m the best pick to raise Sam.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. You’re the best possible option for that kid. He’s chosen you, Hawk. From what I got from the gossip mill, you weren’t the only option, but guess what, she came back here for you. Because she knew that you were the one she wants for her boy. Not that other dude, not her mother, but you. If Sam didn’t love you, man, then Tessa would not be here right now. That boy deserves to finally have a father in his life. He needs that. A father is the most important influence on a little boy–you can’t deny that. Don’t allow whatever hang-ups you might have with your dad to interfere with your love for this little boy. We’re our own people. Our past doesn’t need to fuck with our present or our future.”
“I don’t know how to save her.”
“That’s not your job in this instance. Your job is to support Tessa, to be there for her and Sam, to ensure both of them that they aren’t alone in this. Support is some powerful shit, man. You need to make them know you aren’t going anywhere.”
I don’t say anything.
“Listen, kid, from the moment I met you, you’ve been there but always standing on the edge of everything. I get it. Your mom left, you felt unworthy. You saw the family and the love that Bianca and Devin showed their family and you never had that. Sure they included you, but it wasn’t yours. Well, now you have your chance. Biology doesn’t make you a parent. That fucktard who did what he did to Tessa doesn’t deserve to have the title of dad, but Hawk, you do. You have everything you’ve always wanted in the palm of your hand. All you gotta do is close your hand and hold on tight.”
He clasps his hand on my shoulder and stands. “Fuck, I think I lost my balls somewhere in this conversation. It looks like sex might be out tonight. Thanks, a fucking lot, kid.” He winks at me and leaves the clubhouse.