Hawk
“Hey.”
Tessa’s voice pulls me from my thoughts. I’m fucking exhausted.
“Is Sam asleep?” She nods as she makes her way to the couch where I’m sitting.
The past two days of moving my mother and getting her settled and signed up for all the different programs that are available to her was draining, and shit with Lick is going on back home. He’s being a stubborn ass and not wanting to take in his niece and nephew after he found out his sister was dead. His head is so damn thick, no one is getting through to him, not even Jenni.
The couch next to me dips, her hands travel up my arm and make their way over my shoulders. My head falls forward. The feel of her fingers working my tight muscles feel like heaven. “You should really think about a career change,” I tell her as she works her fingers. “I’d pay good money for this.”
“I wouldn’t charge you,” she whispers in my ear.
“Fuck, Tessa, you need to stop before we end up in bed.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
I tilt my head to the side and take in the features of her face. The dark brown of her eyes, go so perfectly with the russet of her hair. How her nose turns up slightly at the end. Those pink lips that feel like heaven when she has them wrapped around my cock. Fuck. I’m getting hard just thinking about it.
“What’s wrong?” She stops rubbing my shoulders.
“What’s keeping you here?”
Her forehead creases. “This is where I live.” She pulls her hands back and falls against the couch. “We’ve been over this already, Hawk.”
“I know that, but people change where they live all the time.”
“Exactly. So why are we talking about me when I can easily turn it back on to you? You have nothing keeping you in New Mexico.”
“You know that’s not true. I have the club–”
“Yes, the club. The thing you will always pick above everything else.”
“It’s not just about the club. My job, Sin—”
“Your mother. Your sisters. Rose just got you back. She’s at a point in her life where she’s looking into the future with confidence. She’s holding her own right now, but that’s mostly because she has you back in her life.”
I stand. “You can’t put her sobriety on me. That’s not fair.”
“You’re right, it’s not fair, but it’s reality. You leave, and that’s going to give her a reason to go back down the path she’s already been down. That’s life. She’s going to blame it on you.”
“I can’t stay here, Tessa. That was never the plan. This wasn’t going to be long-term.” I run my hand down the back of my neck.
“Things change.”
I drop my hand and look at her. “Yes, they do. I’ll talk to my mom. I’ll figure that part out.”
“I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.”
I drop to my knee in front of her. My thumbs rub the tops of her thighs. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, Tessa. I’ve been wracking my brain about all this. There was a time when I thought keeping you at arm’s length was the right thing to do. It was the only way I knew to make sure you had the life you deserved. I didn’t have the normal childhood, you saw that. You saw how hard it was at times being my father’s son. Knowing what he wanted from me. But even in the darkest of days, your friendship gave me hope. I should have been selfish back then and claimed you as mine. I shouldn’t have held in my feelings for you. I should have let everyone know that Tessa Reese was the one that was made for me because you were, you are. Even as a boy, I felt it. I don’t want to not have you in my life, Tessa. I want you and Sam to move back with me.”
Her eyes are filled with unshed tears as she looks at me. Her shoulders drop as she closes her eyes. “You know I can’t do that.”
“You can’t, or you won’t?” I bite out.
“It’s not that simple.”
“Tessa, I love you.” I squeeze her thighs. “Fuck, I’ve loved you for so long. Even when you left, I still fucking loved you. I never admitted it to myself or to anyone, but I’m saying it now. I fucking love you, and all I want is for you to love me too.”
She sniffs back a sob. “I do, Hawk. I do love you.”
I know there’s a ‘but’ coming. “It’s not enough, though is it?” When she doesn’t answer, I push myself up. “I’m tired of living my life feeling like I’m never enough. For the longest time, I thought my mother walked away without another glance back. I had two sisters that knew about me but felt I wasn’t worth trying to find. And that fucking bastard, the way he looked at me–”
“They aren’t worth it, Hawk.”
“You think the club is the one thing that I will always choose. Well, you’re right. It is because it’s the one thing that has always chosen me!”
She needs me here, and I need her in New Mexico. The situation is fucked up, and no one is going to come out the winner.
I can’t be here anymore because I don’t want to see the rejection in her eyes, so I do the one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do when she came back into my life. I turn on my heel and leave before she can give me more justifications for not choosing me over her fears. For not believing in me to keep her and her son safe.
She can keep her excuses.
I’ve had enough of those to last me a fucking lifetime.