Hawk
Things are changing back home. It seems like everyone is getting the life they want, but me. I’m living life at a fucking standstill because of one woman.
Every time I make the trip back to Los Angeles I feel like I’m on high alert. It’s highly unlikely that I’ll run into Tessa in the city, especially since my mom’s place is nowhere near where Tessa lives or works. But that fear is still there. I have no idea what I would say to her if I saw her again. Tell her I’m sorry? That I wish I could be the man she and Sam needs? That it wasn’t about putting the club before her. That I fucking miss her. Do I confess to her my guilt of how I’ve been living my life since she told me no, she wouldn’t move back to New Mexico? Do I tell her I see her face every time I fuck a woman? That’s she’s under my fucking skin and embedded in my soul.
Kicking down the stand of my bike with my boot, I lean the weight of it on the hard iron. The trip from home to here on my bike is torturous on my body, but sometimes I just need to get on it and feel the open road beneath my wheels. I lock my helmet to the bike and make my way towards my mom’s. I usually let Rhea know when I’ll be in town, but not this time. When my mom called me, she asked that it just be her and me.
I tap my knuckles on the wood of her door. She shares a room with another lady. Both are recovering alcoholics. I was worried when I met her shortly after she had moved in with my mom because I didn’t want anyone there to enable her to go back to the way she was, but this lady is on the right track and a positive influence on my mother.
Four rooms share one common area and a kitchen. It’s set up similar to a college dorm, at least that’s how my mom described it. She’s able to stay here for one year and one year only. In that time, she needs to find a job, therapy, group sessions and a place where she can transition to the next phase of her life. Rhea has mentioned that she’d like to get an apartment with her but putting those two together doesn’t sit right with me.
“Hawking,” Rose answers the door, and her gaze swipes down my body. I can see the pain in them when she takes in the leather of my cut, and I know that me being in the MC worries her. You know, like father, like son. I immediately notice how different she looks from when I came to Los Angeles. Today her hair is done, her makeup is on, and her outfit is pressed and nicely put together. When she steps back, I let myself into her apartment and head towards the small living area.
“Hawk.”
My eyes snap towards the voice. “Martha? What are you doing here?” I look towards my mother, but she doesn’t make eye contact with me.
“There’s something that I needed to tell you, and your mother was so kind as to help me since it seems that you forgot how to be a gentleman and answer my calls and texts.”
When I left Los Angeles, I blocked Martha’s number and deleted Tessa’s. I had Tessa’s memorized, so that didn’t do any good, but I couldn’t keep her name on my phone, not when I knew I didn’t have a future with her.
“Is everything all right?” I drop down to the cushion next to her.
“No, everything isn’t all right.” She doesn’t need to say anything more. There’s only one reason why Martha is here.
“Tessa?” She doesn’t say a word, only nods. “I understand where you’re coming from, and as much as I hate to admit it, Tessa Reese is no longer my concern. She has people to help, one in particular.” I stand and start to pace.
“You mean Croy?” Martha asks.
As much as I don’t want to admit it, Croy was right that night I tried to see Tessa. Loving her isn’t going to be enough. I’m not ready to leave New Mexico and start a life somewhere other than the place I’ve always called home. The club is the only thing that’s keeping me there, and I know I should be able to walk away from it, but fuck. It’s my life. They’re my family.
“Hawking, please–”
I turn and look at my mother. “Is this why you called me? You made me drive ten hours because of Tessa? I can’t give her the help that she needs, Mom. We live two different lives in two different places. Neither of us is willing to give up the other so there isn’t more that I can do.”
“But you love her,” my mother pleads. “You’re the only one she needs.”
“Yes, I love her. I’ve always loved her. I told her as much just a few months ago, but it didn’t matter, and it doesn’t change the present. She can’t move back to New Mexico, she’s told me. I can’t expect her to live in a town where she was brutally raped. How can I expect her to be able to continue on with her life there when she can’t even go to the mall because she’ll only see man after man climbing on top of her? And Sam, I can’t allow him to be tainted by all the ugliness. He might not learn about it now, but he will hear about how he came to be, and I can’t have that. I was stupid to think that I could erase all the horrors of her past. There’s no way of that ever happening, and her living back where it all happened? She’ll never heal from it. But she has help. Croy can help her in ways that I never can.”
“She. Doesn’t. Need. Croy.” Martha stands and glares at me.
“She doesn’t need me!” I yell back. My chest heaves in anger. I’m pissed that I’m being dragged into this.
“Tell him, Martha,” my mom rasps through tears. When did she start crying? “He needs to know.”
I turn back towards Martha. The anger is gone from her face. Tears well in her eyes. “Tessa’s in the hospital.”