Chapter Thirty-Five
Matthew
Monday
I sat by Ashlee’s side the entire time as she met with the funeral director, offering my opinion only when asked for it. It was an awful, uncomfortable feeling that took me back to the time when I had to do it for my own parents, but I was willing to go through all of that for her. She needed me, and as much as the situation was an awful one, it allowed me to be there in the way that I hadn’t been last time.
Ashlee was struggling through it all, that much was obvious, but she was pushing through that, being incredibly strong because she needed to be.
When I took her to that hospital room to see her mother’s body, she was a mess. A crumbling mess, but after a while that inner strength took over and she somehow managed to make it through a few phone calls to her extended family to tell them of the news. Luckily, she could just tell them to start passing the message on when it got a little too difficult, allowing her to do just about as much as she could.
After that, her family began descending on her, ensuring that her house was busy and noisy, which was probably exactly what she needed. Wandering around those empty rooms feeling sad would do her no favors. I knew that from my own experience. When my parents died, I could barely stand to be in their home, which caused me to sell it before I was ready to.
I clutched onto her hand while she picked flowers and music, desperately wishing there was more I could do. I wanted to take the reins from her, to do all the hard work so that she didn’t have to, but I couldn't. She needed to do this in her own way; it was the only way she would get any closure.
I was just going to have to be patient, and to stick around no matter what. I was already determined that I wouldn’t be pushed away this time, however hard Ashlee tried, but it was already becoming clear that it wasn't going to be necessary. Things were being dealt with in a very different way.
“The vicar wants to show me the church,” she leant in and told me quietly. “Do you mind if I do this part by myself?”
“Of course not,” I shot her a weak smile and slipped my hand from hers, feeling a little like I was at a loose end. I supposed that I could head in to work for a while, just to check up on everything, but I didn’t feel that I wanted to be there. I couldn't stand the sympathetic gazes from people, or the kind words. They just brought all the emotion to the surface, and I couldn't handle that.
Every so often, angry bursts of guilt would flow through me, making me feel horrible about what had happened.
Why didn’t I insist that Peggy let me pay for her treatment?
Why did I take up so much of Ashlee’s time when she was alive?
Why didn’t I just do more?
Of course, those thoughts weren’t helpful, and there was nothing I could do about them now, but that didn’t stop them from coming all the same.
“Would you mind popping to my house for me?” she asked, holding out her keys to me. “I need you to get the dragonfly necklace from Mom’s jewelry box, if you don't mind? It was always her favorite, and I think that she would want to be wearing it. I’m sorry to be a pain; I just forgot it when I was picking up her clothes.”
“No trouble,” I shot back instantly. “Anything to help, you know me. Will your family be there?”
“I’m not sure – possibly, but just explain who you are and everything will be fine.”
God, I knew what grieving families were like, and I wasn't sure that they were going to want me around, but again I had to do it because it was what Ashlee needed.
I tried my best to pull myself together on the drive over, but I honestly didn’t feel too much better by the time that I arrived. I just had a feeling that my presence was going to be an intrusive one. What if these people were mad at me for being involved in a funeral that they weren’t? What if they tried to edge me out and that left Ashlee mad at me all over again?
Maybe they aren’t there, I tried with no avail to reassure myself. Maybe everything will be all right.
I slipped the key into the lock, but stopped as soon as I heard voices on the other side. I didn’t feel like I could just let myself in with people there, so I pushed the keys back into my pocket and knocked instead.
As the door swung open, I saw a face that I recognized, but one that I’d never met in person. It was Ashlee’s cousin Michele, from her father’s side, who I’d seen in the family photographs at some point. I could tell that this was the child of her dad’s sister because of her dark hair and high cheekbones. They even had the same, olive-shaped eyes, which was much more obvious in person. I stared at her for a second, blindsided by the similarities, causing her to cough awkwardly.
“Can I help you?” she almost snapped at me, bringing me back to action.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m here for Ashlee.”
“Ashlee isn’t here,” she replied coldly. I wasn't surprised by her attitude; this was a difficult time, after all, but I had the horrible feeling that it was going to make this incredibly hard for me.
“Oh, I know, she...she sent me...” I was starting to flounder, almost to the point where I was ready to give up, when Ashlee’s uncle, Michele’s father, peeked his head around the door.
“Hello there. You’re Ashlee’s doctor friend, aren’t you? She told me all about you last night.” Oh, thank God. “Is everything all right?”
I nodded and smiled gratefully at him. “Ashlee asked me to come and pick up her mom’s dragonfly necklace. She wants it for the funeral.”
“Of course, come on in,” he told me, stepping aside. “Are you being difficult again, Michele?” he rolled his eyes in my direction at that statement, as if this was a common problem.
“I just thought that he might have been a burglar; how am I supposed to know?” she pouted and folded her arms across her chest, giving me a look. It seemed like I’d inadvertently managed to make one enemy without even trying... I hoped that wouldn’t be catching.
Luckily, as I was taken on a whirlwind tour throughout the Baker family, it seemed like Michele was the only one not to like me. Everyone else responded very warmly to me, making me feel incredibly welcome. It didn’t take everyone long to work out that I was much more than just a friend to Ashlee, which set off a Spanish Inquisition, but I thought I did okay. I wasn't kicked out, which I decided to take as a good sign.
Because of that, it took me much longer than I intended it to, to get up the stairs and into Peggy’s room where I knew the jewelry box would be. I’d seen it many times, so I knew that it was red with small, silver elephants on it. I just hoped that it would still be on her dresser because I didn’t feel right going through her drawers.
Luckily, I spotted it right away and I rushed to it, wanting to grab the necklace quickly. Ashlee was probably growing increasingly worried now considering the time I’d taken, and I didn’t want to add to her stress at all. I grabbed hold of it and swung it open, just to find myself with two envelopes in my hand, one addressed to Ashlee in Peggy’s handwriting, and one with my name written across it.
“What the hell?” I muttered to myself, tearing it open with a racing heart. I couldn't understand what Peggy would have to say to me, and I needed to find out right away.
Almost instantly, tears filled my eyes, just imaging her there, writing these words, knowing that the end was near...it broke my heart into a million pieces. I could just picture her sending Ashlee out on that fateful day, knowing how awful she felt, wanting to deal with it alone. That was so much like the tough woman that I’d always known.
‘Dear Matthew,
First off, I just want to say thank you for all that you’ve done for me. I have no doubt that you’re feeling guilty for not treating me, but please remember that I refused your help. That was my decision to make, and I made it. Not you.
I didn’t want to fight anymore; I didn’t want to go through endless rounds of painful treatment just to have it not work. I wanted to live out the rest of my days knowing what I was doing, and doing the things that made me happy. And I managed that. Spending these precious days with Ashlee, seeing you make her happy, it’s made everything really worth it.’
I couldn't help it anymore; the tears were fully flowing down my face once more. I thought that Peggy would see me as someone in the way, someone who confused her daughter and made her cry, but it seemed like I was very wrong about that one.
‘I want to thank you as well for fixing up the roof and paying off Ashlee’s student loans (I know that was you!) and also for looking after my little girl. She’s strong, we both know that, but I also know that she needs you more than she cares to admit, even to herself.
You have always been a part of our family, whether you like it or not, but if that’s something that you would like to make permanent, I give you my blessing.’
My heart began to pound heavily as I realized just what she was saying: she was giving me permission to marry her daughter. I almost couldn't believe it. That was her trusting me with the one thing that meant the most to her. If that didn’t say family, then I didn’t know what did.
‘There is a ring in this box, in a black case. It’s white gold and has an emerald in it. This belonged to Ashlee’s grandmother, and it would mean the world to me if you used it when you eventually propose. I’m sure that if you make that choice, you will both be incredibly happy, as it’s clear to me that you’re meant to be together, but if you don't...maybe you should burn this letter and move to Mexico!’
I couldn't help but laugh at that, through the tears. That was so typical of Peggy, making light of a very serious situation. The world really did take her too soon; she was one of the good ones.
‘But seriously, thank you so much. You have always been like a son to me, and I am very grateful for everything that you’ve done. I will always love you as if you were my own.
Peggy xx’
I almost dropped the letter as I reached in to find the ring box. As I took a glance to the ring inside, I could instantly picture it on Ashlee’s finger; it was perfect for her. A little quirky and unique, and a family heirloom, too. What could be better than that? If I ever did brave that step, and I proposed to Ashlee, this would be the ring that I used.
Suddenly, I heard a clatter on the stairs, and I grabbed the dragonfly necklace before slamming the box shut quickly. I knew that I wouldn’t be alone for much longer and I didn’t want to be caught with everything, making things even more embarrassing.