Chapter Twenty-Nine
Roy – Tuesday
My mind was still spinning when I got to June’s house. I knew I should probably keep everything a secret, even from her, but I desperately needed an outsider’s perspective, someone to tell me what I should do. I felt utterly confused about all the choices that lay ahead of me, and I needed someone to help me see that it was all going to be okay.
As I knocked on her door, my heart racing with indecision, she swung the door open quickly, as if she’d been standing behind it, just waiting for me to arrive.
“Are you okay?” she gasped, stepping aside to let me in. “You look terrible. Did something happen? Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do for you?
So many things had happened, and I wasn’t quite sure how to vocalize any of them. “I… I think I just need a drink,” I eventually managed to spit out as I staggered inside, feeling grateful to be back in these familiar, comforting surroundings.
I sat in June’s kitchen, watching her intently as she got out a much needed beer for me and a bowl of water of Tank. I could trust her, couldn’t I? Sure, she was a journalist, but she’d proven to me more than once that she was willing to put me before her career. I felt like that had to be a good sign. I felt like I could tell her, that I could trust her not to tell anyone.
“It was him,” I eventually said quietly, as she turned to hand me the drink. “I was right. My suspicions were correct.”
“So, it was Lewis who killed the man on your property?” It was plainly obvious that she was trying to control her breathing, to keep herself as calm as possibly, which was exactly how I felt inside. “Okay, so what do you intend to do about it? This can get you off the hook, right? You can finally make the cops see that it had nothing to do with you?”
I shook my head sadly, hating that I was about to let her down again. “I don’t know. I’m honestly not sure if I can do that.” I rubbed my temples, trying to make my throbbing headache go away. All I could see was Lewis’s terrified face, all the mistakes that he’d made crossing his expression. “He has a lot of problems… I knew that when I first hired him.”
“What sort of problems?” June sat across from me and took my hands in hers. She was giving me a sincere look, one that told me she wasn’t judging me for my indecision. At least that was something – it meant I wasn’t the worst person in the world.
“Gambling. When I first met him, he was promising, with great qualifications, but his debts were hanging over him. I helped him with that. I saw what he could be and wanted to do all that I could to help him become that.”
I sighed deeply, allowing all of my regrets to flow through me again. “He was better, he really was, and I trusted him. I thought he had left all of that behind him. I was going to sign the business over to him, for crying out loud.”
“But he went back to it?” June asked slowly, obviously trying to piece the bits of this story together. “Is that why all of this happened?”
“I guess so. I don’t know when, but it seems like he’s been sinking back into that hole for a very long time now. He started using loan sharks and taking money from the business…” Urgh, I still couldn’t work out how all of this had gone on without me noticing. “I guess it’s my fault, too. I’ve been distracted recently, not really focused on the company, at all.”
“It isn’t your fault,” she insisted kindly. “There was no way of knowing, especially not when you put your faith into him. You cannot be blamed for trusting someone.”
“But I did push everything to the backseat of my mind.” I stared into her eyes, baring a piece of my soul to her. “After Shelley died, I just stopped caring about everything. I became a husk, with no emotions, no feeling, and no ability to care. Maybe if I’d stayed focused, then this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe I could have prevented it before it got too far.”
“Tell me about Lewis,” she told me sharply. “Stop blaming yourself for things you could never have had control over. He is the one who did this, not you. You have enough of your own problems without babysitting a grown-ass man who needs to take responsibility for what he’s done himself. So please, carry on with your story.”
“Well, I guess the debts got too much for him, and someone started to look into him. It led that person to the company, to me, and that’s where Lewis started to confront him.”
“Did he intend to kill him?” she asked, sliding back in her seat, giving me a wide-eyed surprised look. This was obviously a lot for her to handle, just as it was me, but she was taking the time to listen. I was grateful to her for that.
“No, I don’t think so. I think the guy pulled a knife out on him…and from what I understand, things just got out of control. Lewis must have freaked out and run I suppose. Urgh, it doesn’t even bear thinking about.” I couldn’t even imagine the scene of the crime, even after seeing the after effects of it firsthand. I just couldn’t picture Lewis in that situation.
“Is there no way he could just tell the police that? Would he not want to be honest, because it’ll be a lot worse if he gets caught?” She was being harsh, but in a way, it was what I needed to hear – it was why I sought the opinion of another person.
I considered that for a second, really thinking it through. It would make sense for Lewis to do that, but I honestly wasn’t sure that he would. “I don’t think that he has it in him. He’s a coward. The way he’s acted ever since he killed that guy has been cowardly.”
My breaths started coming out a little ragged and panicked as I thought about how this could go for me. “So now, I’m left with a choice. Do I leave the police to find Lewis on their own, possibly risking my future in the process? After all, if they don’t find anyone, they may return to me. Or do I get him sent to jail, throwing away all of my hard work? I don’t know how he’ll survive in prison. I’m not sure that he has it in him.”
I glanced up at her, praying that she would tell me that it was obvious what I needed to do, but she didn’t. Of course she couldn’t – this was my decision to make alone. I was the one who knew Lewis. I was the one who would be affected by this.
“Whatever you decide to do, I will be there for you,” she eventually replied, showing me the truth of her caring nature. “I know this isn’t easy, but you will work it out. I have faith in you.”
“Do you?” I half joked. “Because I don’t have any faith in me. I don’t think I know what to do, at all. I think I proved that with the weird way I reacted to seeing a dead body.”
There they were again, the same faces swilling around in my mind, with the new addition. Mom… Dad… Shelley… The investigator…
“Look, I don’t know for sure because I’ve never been in your position, but I can’t imagine that death is something anyone gets used to. The police obviously jumped on that because they had nothing else to go on, so really it was a dumb excuse.”
She pulled me in for a hug, and I allowed my head to rest on her chest as she spoke some more comforting words to me. “I wouldn’t worry too much about it, not now. You need to give your mind a break to help you to make the right decision, so what can I do to distract you?”
But I was barely listening to her words. I had tears streaming down my face, taking over everything else. “I just can’t hack it anymore,” I snapped through the sobs, wanting her to understand just where I was coming from. “Losing my mom was bad luck, losing my dad… Well, that was something else entirely. But when I lost Shelley, well that started to feel personal, you know?” Of course, she didn’t know, but I had to get it off my chest regardless. “Then this… I don’t know. It feels like too much.”
“You’ll get through it,” she insisted. “You’re strong, which you’ve proven by the fact that you’ve been through so much and you’re still here. You could have crumbled, you could have caved, you could have given up, but you didn’t. You’re still here.”
I didn’t feel like I’d carried on and been strong, I felt like I was a puddle on the ground. But I appreciated what she was trying to do for me, so when she reached her hand out to me and led me to the couch, I allowed her to do so willingly. As I sat down and an old black and white movie flickered up onto the screen, I felt the exhaustion consume me. It had been one hell of a day, and that was finally all starting to catch up to me. My head hurt, my eyes felt heavy, but I couldn’t sleep just yet, not with so much running through my mind.
June sat beside me and brought my head down onto her lap, where she proceeded to stroke my hair with one hand and pat Tank with the other. If everything else wasn’t going on around us, it really would be the perfect moment. If I could just empty my mind of all the thoughts, it would be incredible… But there was no getting away from any of it.
“So, Shelley…” June started, sounding a little tentative. “What was she like?”
It was weird to be asked such a forthright question, to be given permission to speak about the person everyone had avoided talking about ever since she’d died. It unlocked something inside of me. I could be closer to June than I had anyone before, even Crystal, and that was amazing to me.
“She was great,” I told her warmly. “So kind and full of life. You would have really liked her.” Once I started talking, it didn’t even feel strange anymore; it felt like I was finally able to leave a piece of the past behind me. “I didn’t want to accept it when she got sick, but as the life ebbed away from her and she became a shell of who she once was, I had to face up to it.”
“That must have been really hard,” she said, but from June, I didn’t mind the sympathy. “I don’t know how I would have coped.”
“Well, hopefully, you’ll never have to.” I wouldn’t wish the awful life that I’d had on anyone.
As the cathartic nature of getting stuff off my chest washed over me, my eyes began to flicker shut. Despite everything that had just happened, despite the way that my brain was still running over everything at a million miles an hour, I found myself drifting into sleep regardless. June’s calming nature was having a real effect on me, which made me really glad that I was there. Without her, I wouldn’t know what to do. I would still be the mess I’d been before.