Chapter Twenty-Eight
Lindsey
Saturday
“Oh my goodness, that was such a wonderful day!” I exclaimed as I collapsed onto Adam’s couch. “Totally worth getting out of bed for.”
“I’m glad because it was a challenge to do so,” Adam teased as he sat next to me. “For a while there, I didn’t think I was going to be able to. Think what would have happened if I hadn’t, you’d have missed out on all that new stuff.”
It was hard for me to accept the gifts to be honest, I wasn’t sure that I totally wanted to. I hadn’t ever been treated by anyone in such a way before, and it was a bit overwhelming. My folks never had much money, although they left me a fair sum to get myself started, so I didn’t get loads from them, then I hadn’t ever gotten a boyfriend that wanted to flash the cash for me. It made me a little uncomfortable, but since Adam insisted and I knew that he could afford to, I wasn’t sure what choice I had.
What will Denise think when she sees all of this? I thought to myself. Will she be impressed? Will it make her come round to the idea of Adam more or will it continue to put her off?
I hated that we’d fought over him, even if things were okay now. I didn’t like that she didn’t trust me and my decisions. Our friendship could survive that much, but I still would have preferred it if it wasn’t like that.
“So, what do you want to do now?” Adam turned his body to face me. The smile on his face caused an adorable crinkle around his eyes. “You wanna watch a movie?”
“I do, actually.” I was a little buzzed from the champagne…more than a little, actually. I’d definitely gone overboard, despite my promise not to. It left anything else off the table, but I was more than happy to just have some time with Adam. It was his company that I liked the best. “That sounds awesome, what were you thinking?”
Adam stood up and wandered over to his DVD collection. As he reeled off the titles of a selection of action films that I hadn’t ever heard of, I realized that it didn’t matter what we watched. All I really wanted to do was curl up in his arms. I just needed him to hold me for a while.
“Yeah, that Samurai one sounds good,” I insisted. “Put that on.”
“Really?” Adam gave me a curious look. “That’s one of my favorites.”
“Good, then stick it on!”
As the movie came to life on the screen, I tucked myself under Adam’s arms. We were definitely together now, I knew we hadn’t had a conversation about it, but that was surely where we were? We spent most of our time together; we always acted like we were together.
God, I hoped that this was real. I hoped that I wasn’t tumbling into the abyss without a life raft, just as Denise told me that I would. I didn’t want her to be proven right because she would look at me with pity as I fell apart under the knowledge that I was naïve and a fool. It didn’t feel like that was happening, but I couldn’t be totally sure…
“I didn’t know you liked this sort of film?”
“I don’t,” I admitted. “I mean, I don’t know. I haven’t ever seen one like this before. I just thought it sounded interesting that’s all.”
“Well, you’re in for a treat…”
As Adam explained the plot to me, my eyes fell closed. I couldn’t stop myself from drifting, it was the alcohol that was to blame, not the movie… honestly. Plus I was tired from a long day of walking. At least that was the excuse I was giving myself. With Adam’s arm wrapped around me, I had enough warmth to send me off to sleep. I would just rest for now and then wake up a little later to see the end of the movie. Easy.
***
The moment I saw my parents’ faces staring back at me, I knew that I was dreaming. That probably should have freaked me out a bit, but it didn’t. I was just so happy to see their faces again. I dreamt of them a lot in the beginning, but they were always more like nightmares. This was the first time I’d ever seen them as I slept and it had been pleasant.
“Mom? Dad?”
As I tried to lean forward to touch them, something held me back. I glanced down to see that it was a seat belt pinning me in place. That was frustrating, but since I could feel the car engine rumbling beneath us I knew it was the smart thing to do.
“Yes, sweetie?” Mom turned to me with a smile. She didn’t look like she knew she was dead, she seemed like she saw me all the time. I didn’t want to burst her bubble by letting her know. “Everything okay?”
“Everything is… It’s fine. I just wanted to let you know that I love you. Both of you.”
Mom reached back to hold my hands. I took them willingly, but I couldn’t actually feel her. I wondered if that was because my brain had forgotten what it was like to touch her. I hated that, it just wasn’t fair.
“We love you, too,” she said softly. Her thumb traced my finger but still I felt nothing. “And we love Adam, as well. You’re lucky to have him.”
My eyes welled up. “You know Adam?” I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to be in a normal situation to actually be able to introduce them. Would she like him? What would my dad think? Would they be proud of me and who I’d become? I certainly hoped so.
“Of course, Adam is lovely. He’s a very nice boy and treats you well.”
“Yeah,” Dad agreed. “He’s nice. You shouldn’t worry about what anyone else thinks. If you like him, you should just be happy about that.”
I nodded slowly, drinking in the wisdom. It was something that I knew all along, but hearing it from a voice that I trusted well made it that much easier to accept. Maybe that was why my brain concocted this dream for me.
“You have done very well for yourself, as well,” Mom continued. “The way that you stand up for yourself and what you believe in. It’s admirable.”
The tears that welled behind my eyes streamed rapidly down my cheeks. “It isn’t always easy, Mom,” I admitted. “Sometimes I don’t think I’m doing the right thing.”
“What’s that?” Dad’s panicked voice got my attention. It reminded me of something, a sensation that I didn’t ever want to feel again. My heartrate kicked up a notch, I had to swallow the panic that sat in the back of my throat, I tried to work out why I remembered all of this. “What’s that? Is that something?”
Is that something? Why did those words fill me with so much dread? Why did I know that they meant something, even if I wasn’t sure what? I racked my brain desperately, trying to work it out. There was a loud ticking sound above me, reminding me that time was running out. If I didn’t figure it out soon it would be too late.
“Oh my God.” Suddenly I screamed, a bellowing sound that came from the pit of my stomach. I knew what those words meant, I knew what came next – I’d been here once before.
It was the crash. The white lights would come soon, the loud crashing sound, the glass smashing, then the world would turn upside down over and over again until I wasn’t even sure I was on the planet again.
Then once I woke up everything would be different.
“Dad, no, pump the brakes.” The fact that this was a dream no longer mattered. I just didn’t want the crash to happen again. “Dad, stop it. Stop it now.”
“Lindsey?” he replied questioningly as if he hadn’t really heard my warning at all. “Lindsey? Lindsey?”
I didn’t have time to explain, I only had time to scream some more, so that was exactly what I did…
“Lindsey?”
My screaming woke me up, and as my eyes snapped open I realized that I was in Adam’s arms. Despite the fact that I wasn’t experiencing the car accident again, the sheer terror that came with it still coursed through my brains. I couldn’t save them, again I couldn’t save them for a second time, but this time felt so much worse.
“No, no, no,” I sobbed, turning my head into Adam’s chest. “No.”
“Shh, shh, shh.” He had every right to demand to know what was going on with me, but he didn’t ask. He just enveloped me in a hug and held me close to him so I felt protected. “Shh, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m here, whatever you need.”
I clung to him so tightly that eventually, Adam scooped his arms underneath me and lifted me up to carry me. I didn’t resist, I wanted to be carried. I let him take me all the way up the stairs while I nestled into him. Having that brief moment with my parents, even if it wasn’t real, reminded me how much I needed human connection.
After they died and I finally got out of the hospital, I shut myself off from the world. I just didn’t want to talk to anyone, ever other person made me feel sick. They had their parents, they had their happy lives, and I had no one. It didn’t feel right. It wasn’t fair and that made me angry and depressed.
I fell into acting because it allowed me to be someone else. I didn’t have to be the sad, friendless girl anymore, and thank God that happened because it allowed me to meet Denise. She asked me to move in with her when I was at my lowest ebb, and I’d been grateful to her ever since. That was why I needed her friendship so very much.
Now I needed Adam, too. I wasn’t sure what would happen to me if it all turned out to be false.
Adam laid me on his bed when we reached his bedroom, and I stretched myself out over his sheets. I wasn’t fully recovered from what had just happened in my dream, but I’d come to terms with the fact that I hadn’t just been through another car crash which was good. It took me a long time to get back into a car afterwards, and there was a point when I didn’t think I would again. I didn’t want to go back to that fear ever.
“I guess we shouldn’t go for an action film again,” Adam teased while kissing me lightly on the forehead in a loving gesture. “It’s obviously a bit much for you.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I murmured, trying to act a little more carefree than I actually felt inside. I didn’t want to freak him out with my nightmare. “It was the movie, definitely.”
He climbed into the bed next to me and held me tight to him. I felt much safer in his arms, his touch allowed some of the memories of the nightmare to subside. Adam wanted to protect me, he wanted to look after me, and he deserved the truth.
One day I would give it to him, but not today. I didn’t feel ready today. I felt drained. I just needed some more sleep. I just had to hope that when I went back to sleep I didn’t end up right back in the same place I was before I woke up.