Chapter Thirteen
Roy – Sunday
I wasn’t sure why I kept coming to church every Sunday when my faith was all over the place, and it had been ever since Shelley died, but I did. It was the one place I always made sure to go to, no matter what. Even when I was feeling like shit, I always went. I think the fact that everyone left me alone when I was there helped. Other members of the church would talk among themselves, but no one ever bothered with me, which suited me just fine. I must have given off a “don’t talk to me” vibe.
I sat at the back, as I always did, and I waited for the preacher to start talking. While I sat in silence, I remembered all the times when I came here as a married man, with my lovely wife. I was always religious, even as a young boy, but Shelley was the one that got me into the routine of actually visiting church every Sunday. Back then, I used to argue with her in a playful way, telling her that I could pray on my own time, but she didn’t care; she would make me come anyway. I eventually started to enjoy it. It became a part of what made us us.
Shelley was the more sociable of the pair of us. Even back then, I was a little reserved and quieter, but it didn’t matter because she did enough talking for the pair of us. Her happy-go-lucky, bubbly personality drew people to both of us, which had left me with nothing to do.
It was safe to say that losing her really did rip out my foundation from underneath me. I never thought that I would be able to stand up again, but I guessed that in a way, I had. Of course, I wasn’t the same man I was back then – and I didn’t think I ever would be – but I had to be proud of the fact that somehow, I was still going.
As the preacher finally started to speak, I settled back to listen to him, trying to imagine Shelley was by my side for just one more time. This was one of the only places where I really felt her presence still, which maybe was the reason I kept coming. I missed her; of course I did. When we married, I never thought that I would have to live without her.
But I was looking forward to the future, as well. There were big changes ahead of me, which I was really excited about, and the fact that I was still a young man didn’t escape my knowledge, either. Every now and again, it was easy to believe my life was almost over, especially when I considered retiring, but the fact that I was only thirty-six meant that I still had a whole lot of living to do. I just needed to do it in the right way.
While everyone else filed out of the church, I hung back for a few seconds, wanting to bask in God’s glow for just a little while longer. I also didn’t want to get wrapped up in any parking lot chit chat and I knew from past experiences that this was the best way to do that. I stayed in my pew, with my eyes closed, just allowing myself to feel everything.
“Roy Larkin?” I heard a voice speaking, which caused me to snap my eyes open. There I found the preacher looking back at me with a curious expression on his face. “Oh, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt your prayer.”
“It’s fine, you didn’t interrupt everything,” I tried my best to reassure him. “Please, take a seat.” I didn’t mean that, I was only saying it to be polite, but he decided to take a seat, anyway. “That was a great sermon today.”
“Thank you, thank you; it’s nice to see that you still come here. I appreciate it.” He smiled at me, but there was something behind his gaze, something that made me feel a bit nervous. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to like whatever he said next. “You know, I am here if you would ever like to talk. I know that you’ve experienced a lot of trauma in your life, and if there’s anything I can ever help you with—”
“No, that’s okay, thank you,” I interrupted quickly, knowing that I wasn’t ever going to want to talk about my wife’s death with this man I barely knew, however much of a good listener I was sure he could be.
“I do appreciate it though. Erm… I better get going now. I have a lot to do at the ranch.” I’d been trying not to think too much about the interview I had looming over me today because it made me feel really anxious, but it was better than being there. “Thanks again.” With that, I shook his hand and made my way outside, needing the fresh air.
That was absolutely exhausting; just that short talk that scooted around the outskirts of what happened with Shelley left me drained. I felt like I really needed a rest before I did any more speaking, so the second I got through the door, I ran up the stairs two at a time, with Tank close behind me, to lie down on my bed. My head was thumping, my emotions all over the place, and I needed a time out.
But as I lay my head on the cool sheets and tried to calm myself down, I found myself wanting to think about Shelley just that little bit more, so I turned onto my side and I grabbed the framed photograph of her that I kept in me bedside table drawer. At one point during my grief, I had stored all pictures of her away because I couldn’t bear to look at her face, but this was the one that I’d always kept to look at when I needed to. It was a close-up of her face, and she was giving me that sweet side smile that she always did when she had a cheeky thought in mind.
As I stroked the image of her cheek, I remembered how she was when she was well: fun, outgoing, full of life; then I recalled how things hit her when she was sick. Even as she grew frail and sick, she didn’t lose herself, she didn’t succumb to depression. She simply remained inherently her right up until the end. Even when Doctor Turner, the local doctor, told her to get plenty of bed rest, she wouldn’t. She felt like she had too much to do. And even when the specialists at the hospital told her that she needed to take it slowly, she couldn’t. It wasn’t until the very end, when she didn’t have the energy to move, that the illness started to take her away from me, and that broke my heart to see.
Witnessing the woman who filled my life with laughter and joy falling apart, seeing her a shell of her former self – it killed me. I prayed a million times that I could take her place, but of course, there was nothing that could be done. Our paths had already been decided.
I jumped up quickly and shoved the photograph away as I noticed a stray tear rolling down my cheek. I knew that if I started crying about this, I wouldn’t be able to stop and the chances were that June would be on her way soon. The last thing I wanted was for the first woman to have really caught my eye since Shelley to see me as a mess. Especially not when I’d promised her an interview, too… Oh God, how had I managed to get myself wrapped up in that one? I never agreed to crazy shit like that; why had I done it this time?
I could just tell her about me stepping down from the company – that would be story enough.
As the water of the shower poured over my head, I allowed my mind to clear, and amazingly, I started to feel a little better. I’d faced death enough times to know that I couldn’t get too hung up on it if I wanted to continue. The easy decision was to give up and to let everything overwhelm me. It was much harder to continue fighting, which was what it seemed like I wanted to keep on doing, no matter what.
For a strange moment, I considered what it would be like to have both Shelley and June in the same room, and I could actually see them getting along really well. They were both lovely women with sparkling personalities, and although they were very different to one another, I could see them being friends. It was a shame that could never happen…
When I noticed the time, and I realized that June wouldn’t be long, I hopped out quickly and pulled on a tee shirt and a pair of jeans before moving over to the window to see if she was already on her way. As if she could sense me looking for her, my phone rang at that moment and she asked to be let inside the gate.
With that, things started to get a little real and anxiety consumed me. All of a sudden, I was really unsure of what I was about to do, even more so than before, and that had a sick feeling forming in my stomach. I tried to push that aside as I saw her car pulling up onto my land and parking outside my home, but unfortunately, it didn’t seem to be going anywhere.
As she moved towards the front door, I forced myself away from the window and I trudged down the stairs with an icy-cold fear gripping onto my heart. You can do this, I tried to tell myself. It’ll all be all right. She’s a nice girl, she will let you say what you want to say, there won’t be any pressure. But of course, it wasn’t just the interview that had me scared. It was seeing her, too.
As I pushed the door open at her knock, with an already racing heart, seeing June again literally took my breath away. She was looking even more beautiful than the last time I saw her, which I had previously assumed was impossible. She had soft makeup that complimented her already lovely skin, her hair tumbled carelessly down her back, and she had an incredible, figure-hugging dress on that made my mouth run dry with desire.
I was aware that I was standing there, staring at her like an open-mouthed idiot, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. She had me stunned, in a way that I hadn't been in a very long time.
“Erm, hi,” she eventually said shyly, shaking me from my thoughts. “Are you all right? Can I come in?”
I could feel a blush buzzing through my system as humiliation hit. I didn’t want her to think that I was a total idiot, which was probably exactly how I was coming across. “Of course,” I stepped aside and let her in. “Sorry.”
As she walked past me, swaying her hips, I felt myself crumble inside a bit. This had already been a horribly emotional day, and it was about to get a whole lot worse. I just had to hope that it went well, and that I didn’t fall apart. I already felt a little too dangerously close to the edge of tears, and I really didn’t want them to fall.
Just do this, I tried my best to reassure myself. It’s all going to be fine; there’s nothing at all to be worried about…