Chapter Twenty-Two
Olivia
My blood burned through my body. I felt like I was completely on fire as I watched Mark leave. How could he say those words to me then act like nothing had happened? I didn’t expect him to argue with me in front of his daughter, but to pretend that he was a nice and caring guy disgusted me. I hated him. I wanted to punch him.
“Right, I’m ready for school,” Justine said brightly as her dad left. “I’ll just get my bag.”
I waited for Justine to get herself dressed and took her down to the car on autopilot. I was there in body, I even found myself talking to Justine, but my brain was off somewhere else. My head spun wildly; I barely even knew what was going on. It wasn’t until I watched the car pull away and Justine waved at me that I realized I probably should have said a proper goodbye. If this was going to be the last time that she saw me, then that was a shit farewell. I whispered a ‘sorry’ and a ‘goodbye’ to her as the car sped away, but it was too late then.
“Is everything okay?” Lincoln asked me as I raced back inside. “You look a little sad?”
That was putting it mildly; my eyes were wet with tears that desperately wanted to come out, but I couldn’t do it here. I nodded, unable to speak, and I raced towards the elevator. I felt silly, small, and ashamed of my behavior. I hated myself for screwing everything up. My New York City dream had been ruined by one night. I caved to the passion, I allowed myself to be led in a direction that I knew was wrong, and now I had to pay the price.
Maybe if Mark hadn’t been such a dick about it, I would be okay now, but the way he dismissed me as if I was some chick that he’d picked up at a bar for a one-night stand made me feel sick to my stomach. I was there… that was why he had sex with me. Not because he liked me, or he found me irresistible, but because I was in his home. I was easy, I suppose, and the worst part was I fell into bed with him, giving him what he wanted.
Sure, it was the best sex that I’d ever had in my life, my body had been exposed to sensations that it didn’t even know existed, but that wasn’t an excuse to have sex with my boss. God, it was like a Jerry Springer story. Just because his hands felt amazing over my body and his lips were incredible… oh shit, this was ridiculous. I found my hand fanning myself as the heat crept through my body.
I had acted like a naïve small-town girl, and I wasn’t sure that I could stay here now. When I first made the threat that I was going to leave, it was because I felt angry, but maybe it was the best thing for me. I mean, how could we work together now? He would probably fire me anyway, which wouldn’t look good.
I grabbed my laptop and took it into my bedroom with my brain spinning. The best thing for me to do was find somewhere else to work before it got too terrible here. If I looked for a job while employed, that would work out better than waiting until I was fired. Just because Mark and I slept together, it didn’t mean I wanted to give up New York. I wasn’t ready to get back home. Sure, it would be strange to be here working in another house, but I had to look out for number one. I had to ensure that I didn’t lose it all because he didn’t care.
While I waited for my laptop to load, I tossed some of my things into a bag. The tears streamed down my cheeks as I did. I hated myself for it. I couldn’t believe that it had come to this. Not just for Mark and me, we had made our own beds, but Justine was the one who would suffer. I made ways with her, and now that was all about to crumble and fall apart. She was a blameless victim in all of this. At least she would still have Susan, I supposed. Her therapist was as good a constant as any, especially as she was really good with her.
Once my laptop loaded, I glanced through the job listings, focusing only on the ones with single moms. I had tried working with a father and I had seriously fucked up, so I didn’t want to put myself in a position to do that again. Working with women would suit me better, and maybe that would lead to an actual friend. I could dream…
“Hello?” I groaned loudly as I heard Rosa’s voice echoing through the apartment. “You there?”
I wiped the tears away from my eyes and tried to keep the emotion from my voice. “Yeah, I’m here.” I clicked ‘send’ on the final application and I pushed my laptop shut quietly. I forgot the housekeeper was coming today, which put a bit of a kicker into my plan to sneak off unnoticed, but perhaps that was for the best. It would be much more of an adult way to deal with it if I told Mark that I wanted to go anyway. Sneaking off, not saying goodbye to Justine, that wasn’t right. Plus, it would be better to wait to see if I got any response first. If no one wanted me to work for them, then this all fell apart anyway… maybe I could even get a referral.
Yeah, from the man who treated me like I was a piece of meat: that would go down well!
***
“Thank you,” Justine said while smiling sweetly at me. “That snack was lovely. I’m off to do homework.”
I got choked up as I watched her walk off. Actually, saying goodbye wasn’t going to be easy. I thought it might be better, and I suppose it would be for Justine, but for me it was making me sink into a pit of sadness.
I wished that I could stay to see how things worked out for her, but that wasn’t possible now. I’d had people responding to me, others wanted me to work for them, and while I hadn’t yet decided who I was going to choose, my foot was out the door. I was on my way to starting my next phase of being in New York.
At that moment, the elevator doors pinged open, making me jump. I wasn’t expecting anyone home just yet, and certainly not the person looking back at me, his eyes boring into my soul, terrifying me.
“Mark,” I whispered, my whole body going into shock. “What are you doing home now?” I needed more time; I wanted to plan what I needed to say before I told him that I was going. This wasn’t fair; again, he was making things happen on his timeline. Damn it; I needed to take control. “It doesn’t matter; I need to talk to you.”
“Yes.” He nodded slowly, folding his arms across his chest, looking professional and also maybe a little defensive. “I think we do need to talk. Will you meet me in the study?”
I nodded. “Sure. I will. I’ll just go and check on Justine first, then I’ll meet you.”
He went off to his office, leaving me in the living room bewildered. That was weird; I thought he would be a little less… keen to talk. It seemed like he had something to say to me as well, and that scared me. I suppose it didn’t matter since I was going to leave anyway, but I still didn’t like it.
I felt like I was floating on air as I walked towards Justine’s bedroom; my brain was off on another planet, just like it had been all damn day long. I peered in, checked that Justine was in the middle of her work, which she was quite happily doing, then I turned and I slowly made my way towards the office. It was almost as if I was headed towards doom, like I would be thrown overboard, made to walk the plank. This wasn’t the strong and confident manner that I wanted to go into this meeting with. It wasn’t just me that had done wrong! Yes, I had slept with my boss, but he screwed his employee. Both of us were on very shaky ground.
Because of that, I didn’t bother to knock on the door. I walked inside and jutted my chin out. Even if I didn’t feel confident, I wanted to portray that I was so he couldn’t walk all over me.
“Hello.” He gave me a genuine smile, and almost right away I was shocked to see him out of his suit already. Before recently, he never changed into his casual clothes as far as I knew. Maybe at bedtime but that was about it. “Please, take a seat.” I didn’t; I waited where I was and stared at him. “Okay.” He sighed. “Well, I guess I want to start by saying that I’m very sorry. What I said to you this morning was really out of order.”
“Oh.” Admittedly, that threw me. “I see.”
“Please take a seat. What I have to say to you isn’t easy.”
Against my better judgment, I did exactly as he asked and I stared at him expectantly. Sure, I had a lot that I needed to say, but I did want to find out what he had to speak about as well. Curiosity got the better of me.
“It’s been a long time since I lost my wife.” My shoulders hunched up around my ears as he delved into what seemed to be a very private area of his life. This was far more serious than I first realized. “And I haven’t really found anyone that I’m really attracted to since that.” Did that mean me? Oh my God, was he attracted to me? I so desperately wanted him to be. “So, I am very much off my game.”
“Erm, right…” I wanted to be more coherent with my own feelings, but I could barely speak.
“Basically.” He folded his fingers around one another. “I really want you to stay.”
“I can’t.” I shook my head vigorously. “I’ve already made plans to go. This isn’t going to work.”
“Not even if I promise to keep away from you?” Was it just me or did he seem disappointed as he asked that? “I really think Justine needs you and I don’t want my actions to ruin that.”
That softened my crispy outer shell. I didn’t like the idea of leaving Justine, not when we were getting so far, which Mark knew. The thing was, we had a common goal: a girl who needed us both.
“So, you want me to stay, and we just forget this whole thing happened?” I stared intently at him as I watched his face change. “I want to check that we’re on the same page here.”
“Sure.” He nodded. “Yes, I agree, that’s a very good plan.”
“I will stay,” I told him, wondering if I was making a huge mistake. “For a trial, but only as the nanny.”
I stood up to go, my whole body churning as I tried to work out what had just happened between us both. This wasn’t how I intended this to go. But I suppose if I could find a way to make it work then this was the best place for me to be. I hoped.