Chapter Five
Matthew
Friday Morning
I arrived at the office a little before my shift because I had some papers to go through, particularly the details with regards to Peggy’s case. I wanted to go through it alone to ensure my head was going to be in the right place when I eventually saw her.
I was sure that she would remember me, and that we would have to have some sort of conversation about the past, but I wanted the majority of what we discussed to be medical, and for that, I needed to be professional. Allowing my emotions to interfere with an appointment wasn't something I’d ever done before, and I certainly didn’t want to start now.
But as I walked through the door, I quickly found I wasn't alone and the girl I’d been with only a few short hours before was standing in the waiting area, looking through some information herself.
“You’re here early,” I joked, trying my best to cover up my shock. “Everything okay?”
She spun her head around to look at me, shooting me something of a strained smile. It was very different to the feisty smirk she’d been giving me while she rode me hard last night.
“I thought I would just sleep here since your no sleep over policy left me out on the streets at 2 a.m.” There was a joking tone to her voice, but I could tell there was a serious issue there. She’d made comments like that before, but I wasn't about to change my mind.
I had the policy because I wanted to keep everything clear between me and the women I hooked up with, and I felt that was especially important with Terri considering we were a little more of a long-term thing. I just didn’t want her to ever get the impression that I was growing feelings for her because I never wanted to lead her on.
I might have been something of a player, but I certainly wasn't a horrible guy.
“Rules are rules, Terri; I don’t make them, I just follow them.” I winked at her as I made that stupid comment, before turning to walk away.
“Before you go,” she called out, making my heart sink. I didn’t need a serious talk right then – or ever. “I have the information here regarding your new patient, Peggy Baker. She’ll be here at 8 a.m.”
“Thank you,” I replied stiffly, taking the information from her. Just that reminder from an outside source about Peggy, just hearing the name Baker said by someone else, hit me like a ton of bricks and my brain started to flicker back to a place it hadn’t been in years.
I remembered the first time I laid eyes on Ashlee Baker as a twelve-year-old boy just on the brink of getting an overwhelming rush of hormones. Puberty was on its way and my body seemed to be aware of that, so when this sweet, quiet girl, with curly, light-brown hair running down her back and bright, piercing, green eyes joined the class, I just knew that I had to talk to her. It was almost as if I was already in love, but I didn’t quite understand it yet.
I was confident, even then, so I didn’t find it hard to strike up a conversation with her, leading us to very quickly become friends. As we spent an increasing amount of time together, I realized I liked her for more than just her looks; I liked her because she was a cool person, too. She made me laugh, she enjoyed doing things that I wanted to do, and best of all, I felt like I could tell her anything.
Well, anything except for the fact that I had feelings for her.
By the time I realized how I felt, by the time I understood what that all meant, I was well and truly in the friend zone. We hung out together all the time as friends, and it felt incredibly strange to try and change that. I also risked losing the most important person in my life, and I didn’t want to ever risk that.
So, I kept it all inside. I simply accepted that friendship was all that I would ever have and I was happy with that... At least, I thought I was. But as we grew, and my feelings got stronger, I couldn't help but notice that we seemed to touch each other more for no apparent reason and that everything we said to one another was sexually charged. At that point, I felt like if I didn’t say anything, I would regret it forever.
But I didn’t because I couldn't. I couldn't seem to work up the courage to do so. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to work out how to get those words out of my mouth. I drove myself damn near crazy with it.
The worst part about it was that I knew she wanted me, too... That was the bit that drove me to distraction. Because I’d become more aware of it, I could see it in her eyes, in the way that she spoke to me, and that made it even more frustrating. Why couldn't I just do it? Why wouldn’t she do it? Why were we so damn shy?
That was why the moment she left, I completely changed my attitude towards women. I wouldn’t wait around anymore, not ever, and I wouldn’t allow my feelings to run too deep, either. I knew how much both of those things could crush a person, so I wouldn’t do it again. One-time hook-ups, friends-with-benefits, that was where I could cope best and that was what I intended to stick with.
As I thought about the past, my eyes flickered up towards the clock, and I suddenly spotted that it was 7:45 a.m., only fifteen minutes before Peggy would be coming into my office, and I hadn’t looked at anything yet.
“Shit,” I muttered under my breath, instantly making my way to the bathroom. I needed to get my head out of the past and into the present if I was going to survive this. I couldn't go in there with nostalgia dripping off me. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror for a few seconds before splashing some ice-cold water on my face to try and shake myself from my thoughts.
Knock, knock.
I can’t even get a damn moment to myself to pull myself together! What the hell was this?
“Yes?” I called out sharply, not at all in the mood for anyone.
“Are you okay?” came the uneasy reply from Terri. “It’s almost time for your first patient.”
Fuck, she’s here already... I need to sort myself out and damn quickly, too.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied a little too rapidly. “I’ll be out in a moment.”
“Well, Mrs. Baker is here already, so I’ll check her vitals and put her in room one for you. Shall I leave her file there, too?”
“Yes, please,” I called out, actually feeling a little bit of gratitude towards Terri. It wasn't her fault I was in this mess; I probably shouldn’t have been taking it out on her. “Thank you; I appreciate it.”
As I walked into the examination room to face my fear, my heart was still rapidly bouncing about in my chest. I had managed to steel myself a little bit, but while Peggy’s reaction to me was still a massive unknown, I couldn't turn all my emotions off.
“Hello there, Mrs. Baker,” I smiled brightly at her. “It’s nice to see you today...” I picked up the chart, trying to bury my face in it for a second, hoping that she wouldn’t recognize me, but of course, she did. How could she not, when I’d been such a huge part of her daughter’s life?
“Oh, Doctor Turner... I never thought that it would be you!” she exclaimed in shock. “The name didn’t even register. How are you, Matt? Wow, I can’t believe that you’re all grown up now and saving people’s lives.”
“I’m okay, thanks,” I told her as my face flushed brightly. This attention was a little too much, especially since I had no idea what to say to her. “And, how are you doing?”
“Well obviously, not great, or I wouldn’t be here!” As she joked about a very serious disease, I found my heart fluttering with the memory of what things were like before. She was always that way, making light of the things we found terrible, and in a way, it was nice to see she hadn’t changed one bit.
“Well, of course,” I blushed once more. “It’s nice to see you, too, but I wish it was under better circumstances.”
“I’m just glad to have found a doctor that doesn’t charge the Earth for treatment,” she told me with a seriousness to her tone. “This whole cancer thing was starting to become something of a financial nightmare.”
There it was again, the one thing I hated about working in the medical industry: the extortionate costs of simply staying alive. It didn’t seem fair at all to me.
“Life is worth more than money,” I replied, giving her a reassuring smile. “Especially for someone as lovely as you.”
“Ooh, you always were nice.” She tapped my arm as she replied, which sent a cold bolt of shock through me.
If she thought that about me, clearly she hadn’t heard the truth about what happened between me and Ashlee in the end. I didn’t want to ask her, just in case it was something she was simply leaving in the past, but I couldn't help feeling intrigued.
To try and stop myself from saying something I knew I shouldn’t, I buried my head in the chart, just to give me something else to think about, and I was quickly stunned to find out just how serious the cancer was. This wasn't some early stage stuff I was dealing with here; this was bad – and it looked like it was only going to get worse.
“Okay, so what I would like to do is run some tests, if that’s okay with you? I know you’ve already been through a lot with your previous doctor, but I prefer to have my own evidence to work with.”
“That’s fine,” she replied, grinning at me. “I’m like a pin cushion these days anyway, and I’m sure that’s only going to get worse as time goes on.”
God, the way she was taking it was utterly heartbreaking.
“You can come back Monday for us to go over the results; how does that sound?”
“Perfect. I can bring Ashlee along with me then; she wants to know exactly what is going on with me, so that’s perfect.” She sighed deeply, and I had to purse my lips to stop myself from asking the million and one questions that were threatening to spill out. “I’ve told her that I don't need any help, but she’s insisted on moving back here, and well... You know what she’s like.”
I gulped down a big ball of emotion before nodding. I did know what she was like: sweet, generous, caring, stubborn when it came down to it, but always for the right reasons. She was the perfect woman, and I’d been stupid enough to throw what I had with her, what I could have had with her, away.
I was an idiot.
And now, she was moving back. What the hell was I supposed to do with that information?
“Well, I’ll look forward to seeing her, too, then,” I eventually said through a lump of feelings. “That will be great.”