Chapter Two
June – Monday
“So, yeah, that’s the technique I use,” Jim Bob told me with a big grin on his face. I tried to match his expression, to look as happy as he was, but I couldn’t muster up the necessary enthusiasm to get excited about fish cleaning. Yes, this was a competition to do it the fastest, and yes, it was a big deal in that world, but to me, it was simply boring. It was one of the worst things that I’d ever had to write as a journalist, and knowing for a fact that no one would read it didn’t make it any easier.
“Well, thank you for that.” I shook his hand tentatively, trying to ignore the fish juices that were being spread across me, and I clicked the off button on my recorder. “I think I have everything I need. The story will be out in next week’s local paper.”
At least he was happy and excited about that. I hated the fact I was about to have my name against something so dull. The only problem was I had to pay my dues before any of the bigger papers would even look at me.
I knew that for a fact because I’d already tried applying to all of the national papers, and not one of them even bothered to respond. To them, I was nothing. I needed to have something to prove myself first. I needed a story that would put me on the map, that would make people stand up and pay attention to me.
However, in the small, boring fishing town of Florence, I couldn’t see that ever happening. I was in a vicious, never-ending cycle. It was so frustrating.
As I stood up, ready to leave, I managed to knock the table in my hurry and a whole pile of fish guts fell onto my pants. Everyone around me burst into laughter, which of course meant that I had to try and see the funny side, too, but my chuckles were mirthless because I felt like the moment symbolized everything that was wrong with my life. It was all going down the toilet and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to change that.
I left the building as quickly as I could and made my way to see my best friend, Hailey, the only person who could cheer me up at this moment with my mind all over the place. When Hailey and I grew up together and discussed our childhood dreams, I always told her that I wanted to take over the world. I wanted my writing to change lives, to impact our society, to make a difference, but in reality, I wasn’t getting anywhere.
Hailey, on the other hand, always wanted to make the world a better place in her own way.
She grew up in the foster care system and didn’t always have the best childhood, so her dream was to make the lives of other youths in a similar position much better…and that was exactly what she achieved. She ran a center with counselors and support for kids and teens with problems. It was also a great hangout place, too, with computer games and ping pong and stuff, giving youth a place to just be.
I was so proud of my friend for what she’d managed to do, but I couldn’t help feeling jealous, too. I wanted that for myself. I wanted to be where she was with my career.
She looked great, too, which made me even more insecure. She had a rocking body, with a cool, short haircut highlighting her amazing cheekbones and sparkling blue eyes that could get her out of any trouble. Next to her, with my soft curves and my sandy brown hair that never did anything that I wanted, I felt like I could easily fade into the background. Hailey was overtly sexy, whereas I was more…sweet looking, I guessed. And that didn’t always feel great.
“Hailey, you in?” I called as I swung the door to her apartment open. Neither of us ever bothered to knock anymore because we just felt that comfortable in one another’s homes.
“I’m in the kitchen!” she called out loudly. “You want anything to eat?”
“Yeah…everything you have. A change of clothes, too.”
As I wandered into the kitchen, and she smelt and saw the state of me, she burst into laughter. “Oh my God, what the hell happened to you? It looks like you’ve been in a fight with a fish.”
She tossed me a pair of navy blue sweatpants, which I pulled on quickly, glad to be free of that stink. “Yeah, that’s pretty much it!” I told her exasperatedly. “I had to cover the fucking fish cleaning competition. Who even reads this shit?” My temper came out now as it all started to spill past my lips. “I want something good to write, something juicy, something that will actually progress my career. I’m not getting anywhere with this!”
“Something will come up…” she trailed off with her reassurance when she saw the unimpressed expression on my face.
“I have been slogging away at this job for years now, ever since I left college, and for nothing. Nothing ever happens here!” I threw my hands above my head, wishing desperately that I could come up with a quick fix, something to get me where I needed to be right away. “I have focused only on this, completely ignoring other aspects of my life, and it’s done me nothing.”
“Well, I don’t know,” she joked playfully. “There was that time you were distracted by Baz.”
Urgh, Baz. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at the mere mention of his name. He was a mistake that I didn’t even want to think about anymore. He blew into my life quickly when he moved here to start a real estate agent business, and I fell quick and hard. I loved his dark, crew-cut hair, his deep, brown eyes, and the way he was very serious about everything.
In the end, though, that side of him made me weary. He didn’t seem to ever want to have any fun and that dragged me down with him. Hailey kept telling me that I’d changed and that I needed to break up with him, but I didn’t listen because I never wanted to hear it. I thought that he would change, and that as soon as we got enough money together to get our own place, things would get better…but of course, they never did.
Unluckily at the time – but looking back it was a good thing – his business failed and he had to move away. We didn’t even really have a discussion about breaking up; he just told me that he was going and that was that. I wasn’t even sad about it, which was the strange part. I just accepted it and moved on, vowing to never get with anyone ever again unless there was excitement there, unless there was any chemistry. That was massively lacking, and it got me nowhere.
“Yeah, all right, but you know what I’m saying.”
“At least it pays the bills.” She stroked my arm, trying to reassure me, but it still made me feel like shit about myself. “That has to be something. Some people don’t even know how to make a living.”
“I know.” My head fell into my hands as the crappiness of my life overwhelmed me. “But nothing ever happens here; there aren’t ever any crimes. How am I supposed to get a better job? How am I supposed to move on with my life? I just… I want to be known for something.”
“There are plenty of stories out there that get people noticed,” Hailey told me patiently. “It doesn’t have to be about crime and death. What about that piece that Kaz Schul wrote? About the twins walking for the first time? That certainly progressed her career.”
Kaz lived a couple of towns over, and she was something of a journalistic legend around these parts, pissing me off even more. I wanted that sort of break, and it didn’t seem to happen no matter what.
“You know what?” Hailey continued excitedly. “You should come over to the Hangout sometime, see some of the work we do there. People are having their lives changed every single day. Surely, as a journalist, you could make something out of that… Right?”
“Maybe,” I muttered half heartedly, already knowing I wouldn’t do that. I knew Hailey did well, and I appreciated the changes she made to people’s lives, but it wasn’t ever going to be big enough for me. All I needed was one big break, one thing to happen, and I didn’t feel like a story from the center was going to be enough. “Thank you.”
With that, she brought out a big plate of food, which I ate gratefully, wanting to just forget about it all. If I was going to have my big break, it probably would have happened by now. It didn’t seem like anything was about to fall into my lap anytime soon, and I didn’t have the funds to start traveling around to listen to what other people might have to offer me. But what else could I do? If I didn’t do something drastic soon, I would end up stuck in this hellhole forever.
When my mom and dad moved half way across the country all those years ago, I had refused to go with them because I’d never even heard of the tiny village they were moving to and I didn’t want to limit myself. I felt like I would have more opportunities where I was, but now I was starting to regret that decision. Maybe I should have gone; maybe it was a mistake staying here. Maybe that was when I’d gotten myself stuck, and there was no way I would ever escape now.
“Come on,” Hailey smiled sympathetically, clearly seeing the inner turmoil going on in my mind. “It isn’t all that bad, and things will get better. You just need to believe in yourself.” When my expression didn’t change, she seemed to see that it wasn’t making me feel any better, so she changed the subject. “Why don’t I pull out the wine? I think we both could use a glass.”
I nodded gratefully, needing something to take my mind off this nightmare. As soon as the glass was put in front of me, I gulped it down happily.
“You are a hard worker,” Hailey told me seriously, giving me the talking to that I so clearly needed. “You are dedicated; you will get to where you need to be. Things might look depressing now, but it won’t be that way forever. Remember what my life was like, how little money I had? But I managed to make it work. You can do the same.”
That made me feel guilty because the bumps that Hailey had to overcome were much bigger than mine, and she did it all with a bright grin on her face. She never seemed to let anything get her down, which was the attitude I really needed to adopt. If I could go into the rest of the week with a much more positive, can-do attitude, then maybe things would change. It might not have seemed good right now, but things would improve – they had to. After the fish cleaning competition debacle, surely it couldn’t get any worse?
“Just go for every opportunity offered because you never know where it’s going to lead you.”
“I will,” I nodded, allowing the booze to make me feel a little better. “I will, and hopefully things will get much better.” It had to be better than moping anyway. It had to be better than being negative. Hopefully, eventually, it would all be all right.