Chapter Eighteen
Olivia
Saturday
This is an actual day off, I thought as I stared up at the ceiling. I can do whatever I want to.
That should’ve been good news, but it wasn’t really, mostly because I didn’t know what to do with it. There were still many things that I wanted to do in New York, but it was unexpected. I was supposed to be with Justine, Mark was supposed to be in Australia, but now he was taking her out, so I was free as a bird. Why didn’t I have that happy sensation inside of me? Why didn’t I feel like the luckiest person in the world? When I was back at home, and I used to dream about being in The Big Apple, it was never like this.
I sighed and turned onto my side, glancing at the clock as I did. It was still so damn early, not even eight o clock, which was ridiculous. I could have had a lie in, get some proper rest, but no. Of course not. I couldn’t get back to sleep now; my brain had been wired and on fire for ages. I had no choice but to get up.
I grabbed a robe and threw it over my body before padding through the apartment into the kitchen. Mark and Justine were already there, eating pancakes, and judging by the spare plate there was some for me.
“Ah good morning.” Mark looked happy to see me. “I wasn’t sure if you would wake up on time, but I wanted to make you something to eat in case. You’re always taking care of me in the mornings, so it’s only fair.”
Taking care… there was something about those words which chilled me. They sounded more like a description of a relationship than a boss and employee. Or maybe I was just being over sensitive because of what had happened. It was possible. I did still feel very jittery and on edge about it all. The kiss remained prominent.
“Oh, well thank you.” I took the plate and sat, looking down the entire time. “That’s very kind of you.”
“My dad is taking me to see The Lion King on Broadway today,” Justine announced with a smile. “Have you ever seen it? I watched the movie but now I’m going to see it for real. On a stage.”
Mark chuckled at her enthusiasm. “Do you want to come with us? It could be fun?”
Going to Broadway was one hundred percent on my to-do list, but I needed a break from Mark. Spending more time with him in a way that felt anything similar to romance was too much; I couldn’t handle it. Plus, it would be better for them to spend some time alone. They needed this as much as I needed to be away.
“Oh, no, thank you.” I shook my head. “That’s very kind of you, but I have plans.”
“Plans? I see. You’ve made some friends already? I’m not surprised; you’re so amiable.”
There it was. Mark had hit the nail on the head without even trying. This was my issue, why New York wasn’t quite working out for me the way that I hoped it would. The work was fine, I enjoyed it, and it fulfilled me, but I didn’t have anything of a life outside of it. I had no friends, no one to speak to. I’d been through something monumental when it came to the kiss with Mark, and I had no one to discuss it with, no one to give me advice. I had spent too much time feeling lonely, and I wanted that to change. But how could I make that happen?
Making friends as a kid was simple enough, you went to school for that, it was fine, but as an adult, the way new people came into a person’s life was through work. Unfortunately for me, my work left me without people to casually socialize with until they became friends. I couldn’t just go out there and chat with people. The only person who had shown me any real friendliness since I arrived here was the guy from the cake shop. Would it be totally tragic of me to go back there to speak to him again? I didn’t want to give him the message that I was interested in him, my love life was complicated enough, but I just wanted a friend.
“Hmm, yes, friends.” I couldn’t let Mark think that I was a sad case. “That’s it. sure.”
“You have friends?” Trust Justine to see right through the rouse. “I don’t know them.”
I didn’t want to answer that; I wasn’t sure that I could without falling apart, so I scraped my chair back, made some innocuous comment about needing to get ready, and I left to get myself showered and dressed. Thank God they would be leaving soon to go and see their Broadway show so I could get out without having to speak to them again. I didn’t want to comb through my pitiful existence where I didn’t know how to speak to people my own age anymore. I had spent far too long caring for my parents, putting my own life on hold, and I didn’t know how to restart it again. I didn’t have any resentment for Mom and Dad. I wouldn’t change things for the world; they needed me, and I was there, but I wished I could have a braver side to me who could do this.
You moved to New York on a whim, I reminded myself, needing something. That was brave.
But it didn’t feel brave. Instead, I felt like I was in a state of panic. Moving was one thing, going up and talking to people, strangers at that, trying to make them like me… that was something else. I was going to have to try though unless I wanted to be lonely for even longer. I needed to make my New York dream complete.
***
“Ah, hello again, it’s good to see you.” My heart warmed up as Benji stared intently at me. I could see a happiness in his expression that made me feel good about myself. Admittedly, I came in this bakery to see if Benji was working, purely because he was the only person similar to my age that I’d spoken to. I didn’t really think that he’d recognize me, and it gave me a much-needed confidence boost that he did. “How are you?”
I felt like I had a coat hanger between my lips, my smile was so bright. I could tell from his face that he actually did remember me, and since we only had a brief conversation, that really meant something to me.
“Oh, yeah.” My cheeks heated up. “It’s been good, thank you very much.”
“I haven’t seen you since that day. You must have been very busy.”
His face was sweet, I did find Benji attractive, but I didn’t have that deep-seated pull in the pit of my stomach that I felt around Mark. It wasn’t the same desperate, needy sensation; I didn’t feel like I would die. I knew that if Benji asked me out on a date and I went, it would be a very nice time, he would even be a wonderful boyfriend, but without that intense spark, could it be perfect? I knew what it was like to have that storm brewing inside of me now, and I wasn’t sure that I could continue to live my life without it. It consumed me.
“Oh, well, work has kept me busy.” I shrugged in a blasé manner, and I scanned my eyes over the food in the cupboard. “But I’ve been thinking about the cakes in here. They’re so good; you must have an amazing baker.”
“Just the cupcakes?” Benji asked while leaning forwards. My breath got stuck in my throat as I realized that he had stepped up the flirting game. I really wanted to flirt for the practice; it had been such a long time for me, but I couldn’t. Benji was far too lovely to be messed around by me. Maybe this would have to be my last visit here. Much as the cakes tasted awesome, there were plenty of other places to get food.
“Ooh yeah. It’s that cream frosting,” I chuckled. “It keeps me up at night.”
I pointed to one of the cakes and watched while Benji bagged it up. What I really wanted him to do was ask me to hang out with him as a friend. Maybe to go to a night out with him and his buddies so I could get to know some more people. But of course, that wasn’t going to happen. There was no way Benji would ask that. It would be weird; it just didn’t happen in real life. I guess it would have to be another day of loneliness…
Once I left the bakery, I walked back to the apartment slowly, encased in an intense sense of sadness. I couldn’t seem to shake the funk off however hard I tried. I kept trying to remind myself of all the good things about being here, and there were many, but the kiss had put things in perspective. That silly, spur of the moment thing with Mark had crushed me because it complicated things and it made me see that the only person who I had a real connection with was completely out of bounds. I needed to find someone else for a distraction.
To make things worse, it wasn’t even Lincoln at the welcome desk at the apartment building when I got inside. It seemed that we shared a day off, so I didn’t even have him to speak to. The other guy who covered his days off barely even looked up from his newspaper to acknowledge me. I felt incredibly invisible. Then, when I got inside the apartment, I found that even Rosa had left so I couldn’t even talk to her. I was very much alone.
I sighed loudly and padded into my bedroom to find something to activate my mind. I wanted a book or a magazine or something, but instead, I found my yoga mat. That had come in the stuff I got boxed up from my home and I hadn’t yet unpacked, which gave me an idea. Someone once suggested to me that I try yoga to deal with the stress of taking care of my sick parents and I found that it worked. It wasn’t something I’d done in a while, so I didn’t know how flexible I was these days, but if there was ever a time to try it out, that was now.
I chucked some baggier clothing on, grabbed the yoga mat and took it out into the living room where I could do a work out with some more space. Feeling good about myself for doing something positive, I laid the mat out and got into a pose. I couldn’t really remember the exact poses, my brain was rusty, but I had a good go…
“Hello!” Oh, crap! I stopped attempting yoga the moment that I heard Justine’s voice. I wasn’t alone anymore. I tried to straighten up, to look like I wasn’t doing anything, but I wasn’t sure I pulled it off. My panting and red face didn’t help. “Oh, Olivia, The Lion King was awesome. I’ll have to tell you all about it. Come to dinner with us.
“Oh, erm…” I glanced up at Mark who nodded easily as if he didn’t mind either way. To be honest, I couldn’t be alone any longer; even with the yoga, it was driving me insane. Even the thought of spending the night in the strangeness surrounding Mark and me didn’t put me off. “You know what? That sounds awesome. Thank you for inviting me. I’ll go and get dressed now.”