Chapter Fourteen
Olivia
Thursday
It had been weird; the last few days had been strange, to say the least. I didn’t know what to do about it. Ever since Mark and I had that argument, there had been a new atmosphere between us, in the whole apartment actually, and it didn’t show any sign of subsiding. I found it very stifling; I could hardly breathe.
I stirred under the sheets, feeling achy and restless after yet another night of hardly any sleep. The bed could hardly be blamed, it was so soft and comfortable, it was the situation. Weirdly, I was getting what I wanted. Mark had certainly been showing much more interest in his daughter than before, even coming to the therapy session with her, but I didn’t feel good about it. Even when they came back from Susan’s office actually talking to one another in something that almost resembled sentences, I didn’t feel good about it. It felt… off.
Maybe it was because it all happened too quickly; they went from not talking at all to having actual conversations, and it felt like there was a speed bump up and coming. Or perhaps it was because now I felt left out. When we ate together, I felt like a third wheel; when they talked and laughed it was like they were sharing a private joke and I wasn’t a part of it, and I guess childishly, I was feeling left out. Like I no longer matter. I couldn’t help feel that if Mark was going to continue working from home and things were progressing so well with Justine, that I wasn’t going to be needed anymore. I had a horrible feeling that I would be fired.
I stared out my bedroom window at the glimpse of New York that I could see from where I was, yearning painfully. I didn’t want to give up this amazing city. I wasn’t ready to leave my dream home; I loved it here. I might be being paid well for this position, but I didn’t have enough cash to get my own place, and without another job, no one would rent to me. The house back at home hadn’t sold yet so if I lost this position, I would end up back there, frantically applying for other jobs. And who would want me once I’d been fired once? No one.
I groaned loudly and gripped my forehead, trying to ward off the ache that raced through my skull. I needed to get myself together, to keep being strong, to push on until I found out one way or another. There was no guarantee that I was going to be fired and I didn’t want to make that decision for Mark. If he was on the fence, then I didn’t want to push him over the edge. I had to keep being a good employee for as long as possible.
I huffed and pushed myself into a standing position, shaking off the restlessness as much as I could. It wasn’t in the job description, but I’d taken to making breakfast every morning and I didn’t want to break routine. I chucked an oversized tee shirt on over my body, covering myself up like I always preferred to before I took a shower, and I made my way into the kitchen. Now that I thought about it, my dress sense had changed since a bit since I left Virginia, but it was still a lot more modest than most people. I covered up as much as I could. I suppose I would always be that way. My version of sexy was nothing like other people’s. I was too conservative, I guess.
Not that I was trying to be sexy because that would just be weird. I was a nanny, not a model, or something else where I needed to look anything other than casual smart. Who would I even look good for?
I brought the stove to life and started to make pancakes for a nice change. The omelets always went down well, but I needed something sweet to tickle my taste buds. I needed something to perk me up and lighten my day.
“Ooh, something smells good.” My eyes snapped up as I heard Mark wandering into the kitchen with his sleepy daughter not too far behind him. “What are you making today? Because I am starving.”
I forced a smile on my face; I didn’t want him to sense that there was anything wrong at all. “Yeah, I’m making pancakes. I hope that’s okay with everyone? I’m sure there’s some syrup somewhere.” I pulled open the cupboards and dug through until I found some. “Oh, and I can make some bacon too, if you’d like?”
Both Justine and Mark made agreeable noises, so I got to it. I made my breakfast separately so I didn’t have to sit down with them while they ate. It was much easier for me to keep busy than to sit with them and watch them looking at me like I wasn’t supposed to be there. Not that they really did that, but my paranoia made me feel that way. It had me packing my bags already and heading towards the airport to fly home.
It showed how much I hadn’t settled in, the way that I couldn’t think of New York as home.
Once Justine and Mark had eaten and they both retreated to their bedrooms, I took a seat at the dining room table sad and alone, and I slowly chewed my food. I felt numb and empty as I tried to prepare myself for another day of tiptoeing around Mark. He seemed so much better now; why wasn’t he at the office? Work was what he loved more than anything else in the world; a few short days weren’t going to change that, so what had changed?
“I’m ready for school!” Justine called out to no one in particular. “I’m going now.”
She didn’t even ask me to take the elevator with her, she simply skipped off, which felt like a snub. Through the little bits and pieces that I got from her, things seemed to be much better in school these days. One of the girls who she used to have some trouble with had decided to be her friend, which sounded a little bit dodgy to me, but now she simply didn’t need me. I had to be on my way out; that was the only explanation.
As I watched her walk away, I was saddened. I wondered if she would even miss me if I left. Would she even notice me gone or would she simply get on with her life? Maybe to her, I would just be another woman who came and left, but to me, I would never forget this family. And not just because they were my first job.
“Right…” All of a sudden, Mark burst out of his room dressed in a suit. “I’m off too.”
“Oh.” I rose up, my eyes almost bugging out of my head. He was going to work! I couldn’t believe it. All of the fears and worries that things had taken a dramatic downturn now didn’t seem to mean anything. “I see.”
“I don’t know what time I’ll be back.” Mark had a genuinely happy look on his face which was strange. He looked kind of handsome actually. “The whole place is sure to have fallen apart without me. But I’ll try and let you know.” He stared at his cell phone screen as if it was absolutely fascinating. “I’ll message you.”
“Through the calendar?” I’d almost forgotten about the schedule. Justine’s was ingrained in my memory now, so I barely looked at it, but if Mark was going to be out of the apartment all the time, I would have to familiarize myself with it all over again. I could barely even recall where I had it stored on my phone.
“No, not through the calendar. It’s easier for me to just text you, isn’t it?”
Those words stunned me into silence, that was Mark offering to make my life easier for me. If I followed the schedule, then he didn’t have to put any effort in, but if he actually had to take the time out to text me, then he was thinking of me. I didn’t know how to process him thinking about me; it was strange.
“Oh right, sure,” I replied numbly. “That sounds great, thank you.”
Mark smiled and grabbed an apple out of the fruit bowl. As he took a big bite out of it, I realized that his appetite was sure as hell back. Thank God, since I couldn’t have him around for much longer. If he stayed home for another day, I had no idea what was going to happen. I had a feeling it wouldn’t be good. His teeth dazzled me, and I got that weird feeling in my chest again. It had to be because I’d only seen him slobbing around recently in his sweatpants, looking close to death, so this reminder that he was good-looking stunned me.
Mark moved closer to me with his eyes fixed on mine. I felt locked in by the magnetic pull between us; I couldn’t drag my gaze off his however much I wanted to. My heart hammered in my chest, I sucked in and held a panicked breath, everything around us slowed down into a weird slow-mo. mode. I couldn’t cope.
“What are you…?” I asked quietly as he got close enough to touch me.
“Just… grabbing my lunch.” He leaned across from me and grabbed the brown paper bag.
I nodded gratefully, glad that this was something normal happening rather than something I needed to freak out about, but somehow the realization didn’t change the atmosphere. It felt thick and heady around me, my brain was swimming with lust, a burning hot desire trickled rapidly through my veins. I gulped the golf ball of emotion down and looked up at him through my eyelashes. The look he gave me back was intense; it sent me wild. I could feel it burning through me, staring into my core, electricity fizzing all over me.
Then, I wasn’t sure what happened; it seemed to come from nowhere. His lips had crashed into mine and all of a sudden, we were kissing. Real kissing, like there was no tomorrow. I could have reacted, there was something in the rational side of my brain telling me to scream and run away, but the sensations inside my body dulled those thoughts completely. They were there, I was aware of them, but they didn’t affect me one bit.
As we kissed, it felt like my whole body had been lit on fire. I’d been switched off for far too long, and Mark’s lips had brought the dragon of desire back to life inside of me. It felt utterly incredible. It was such a phenomenal feeling that I didn’t even care about how dumb this was.
At least not until we fell apart and my boiling hot body became encased in a freezing cold bubble of shame.
“I’m sorry,” Mark mumbled with flaming cheeks. He couldn’t even look me in the eye as he fell towards the elevator, moving faster than I’d ever seen him go before. “I have to go. I have to get to work.”
“Oh, right.” I touched my buzzing lips. “Sure, yeah, you go…”
As he left, I fell back against the wall in shock. What a stupid way for me to lose my job; the kissing him was even worse than the argument we had. He might have instigated it, but it would be me who ended up losing everything. I stared hopelessly at where he had just gone, hating myself just that little bit more.
What do I do now? I asked myself desperately. How the fuck am I going to fix this?