Chapter Nineteen
Mark
Sunday
Get out of bed, you coward, I told myself angrily. You’re going to have to face her sooner or later.
It was getting worse. Every single time I tried to move on from Olivia, something else happened to drag me right back in. I mean, the first thing was definitely the yoga outfit: that was too much. As Justine and I walked in from watching the show, I nearly came in my pants with shock. The clothing was baggy, not provocative at all, but it instantly made my mouth salivate desperately with need. As she stood in what I assume was some yoga position, I nearly tore those clothes off and took her right there and then.
If only Justine hadn’t been there… although it was good that she was. That was so much better.
Then we went out to dinner, to some pizza place nearby because Justine didn’t want to eat ‘rich people food.’ I couldn’t even work out where that comment came from, what it could possibly mean, and why she said it. What was wrong with having money? Why was that so problematic all of a sudden? I worked hard to get what we could afford, so why not spend it wisely? Was it something that Olivia commented upon? Did I have to worry about that now too? I didn’t want to be judged negatively because I didn’t think that I was a bad person at all.
In the pizza place, I couldn’t get away from Olivia, however hard I tried. The tables were tiny, the booth seats were crushed, my body spent most of the evening pressed up against hers. I was like a dirty old pervert getting sexual feelings for a woman a decade or so younger than me. The fucking nanny. It was such a messy situation.
I dreamed of Olivia all night long. She refused to leave my brain the entire time. Sometimes she was naked, riding me like there was no tomorrow, writhing and bouncing, satisfying me amazingly. The other times, she was just sitting there next to me, smiling and holding my hand, giggling at me as I said something very funny to her. I wasn’t sure what image I liked better; they were both amazing in their own ways.
I’m not supposed to be liking her at all! I turned onto my front and pressed my face into the pillow to let out a little scream. Professional, why can’t I just remain professional? What the hell is wrong with me?
I thought of Holden in Australia, wishing that I was there with him. If I had an ocean between Olivia and me then I wouldn’t be able to think about Olivia at all. I’d be surrounded by hot Ozzie babes who were more than up for fun. That was where I should have been: focusing on business. Yes, Justine needed me, but not so much that I had to give up everything else. I always worked. She would understand if I had to go places.
But then again, The Lion King was fun; it was amazing to see Justine’s face as she watched it. If I hadn’t taken the time off, then I wouldn’t have ever experienced that. It would have been a huge loss.
I could hear Olivia in the kitchen now, banging about as she cooked breakfast as always, and a murmur of conversation every so often that suggested she wasn’t alone. Justine was out there; it should have been easy to get out there myself since I wouldn’t have to face her by myself, but still, something had me stalling.
I grabbed my cell phone off the nightstand and scrolled through my emails. I had some from Holden keeping me up to date on what he was doing while out in Australia, but I couldn’t force myself to reply because I was so annoyed at myself. People kept telling me that putting work first was a bad idea and that I’d end up regretting it, but I found myself feeling the other way. Staying here, near Olivia, that was what I felt regret for.
I couldn’t be in the same room as her without wanting to touch her. I loved the crazy fluttering that consumed me every time we brushed against one other; I enjoyed the way that my pulse rate sped up, and I felt a little light headed. It wasn’t right; there was something wrong with me. I honestly felt like I was a terrible person.
Maybe just one night would do the trick, the devil on my shoulder whispered cheekily into my ear. One night getting it all out of your system, then you could go back to normal, as if nothing ever happened…
“Nope,” I muttered to myself while pushing up into a sitting position. I couldn’t listen to that; my inner voice would only lead me into trouble where I really didn’t need it. “Stop being an idiot.”
With a tentative step, I finally made my way to the bedroom door, and I braved shoving it open. I held my breath as I peeked around the door, unsure of what I was about to face, but I didn’t get the immediate prickling sensation of eyes all over me. Justine and Olivia were so involved in their own conversation that I wasn’t noticed one bit. If it wasn’t for the smell of breakfast pancakes, which had seemingly overtaken the omelets, not that I minded, I might have retreated back to my room to hide away for a little while longer.
“Morning, Dad!” Justine called out happily as she finally heard me. “You okay?”
Olivia poured me a cup of coffee from the pot and she slid it across to me, knowing that I needed it before I could function properly. The little things that she noticed without me needing to tell her meant a lot.
“Hmm, yeah, I’m good,” I replied gravelly. “How are you feeling today?”
“I’m excited!” She bounced up and down in her chair. “Today is going to be amazing.”
“It is?” I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Well that’s good news. Two awesome days in a row. What are your plans?” I wondered if this might be something I could get involved in… only for Justine, of course.
“We are going to have a tea party!” Hmm, that sounded like a much less appealing idea than Justine was selling it as, but I supposed for her I would join in… “With Mrs. Stedman, you know, from downstairs.”
A grimace spread across my face as if I’d lost all control of my features. That was an idea I didn’t want anything to do with. Before Olivia came along, I had a good thing going where I didn’t know any of my neighbors at all. I barely even recognized their faces, in true New York fashion. This wasn’t small town America; this was a big, dangerous city where it didn’t do anyone any favors to get to know anyone. We all pointedly ignored one another, and that was how it was. A silent understanding between everyone who grew up in the city.
Now, Olivia kept inviting people up to my apartment and looking at me like I was the bad guy because I didn’t know them. I had zero interest in getting to know the cranky older woman and I couldn’t see that changing.
“Oh, well, you three have fun.” I rolled my eyes at Justine. “I have work to do, unfortunately.”
Justine pouted out her bottom lip, but only for a second. Then she rapidly turned her head away from me and continued to talk to Olivia. “Do we need anything for the tea party? Shall we go and get some cupcakes?”
Olivia’s cheeks definitely reddened when she heard the word ‘cupcakes,’ and hat intrigued me. I noticed a wrapping bag from the bakery down the street yesterday, which I ignored at the time, but now I couldn’t help wondering what it meant. Was there someone at the cupcake shop? Someone she was attracted to? Maybe she even had a date! I hadn’t seen her socializing with anyone, but this was the age of Internet dating. No one even needed to leave their home to find the love of their life. Was that what had happened here?
A tight sickly knot of jealousy coiled up in my stomach at the idea of that. It was a pointless emotion; Olivia was free to do whatever she wanted, and it was me who initialized the kiss after all. Yes, she responded, but maybe that was a shock thing. And we’d both avoided one another since that moment making it perfectly clear that it wasn’t ever going to happen again, so why shouldn’t she go on some date? Just because I had hopeless feelings for her, it didn’t mean she had to feel the same way. In fact, it was much better that she didn’t.
“We should make some cakes,” I heard Olivia say, but her words did nothing to dull the intense burning within me. It raged like a wildfire, out of control. “That’ll be nice. I’m sure Mrs. Stedman would refer homemade.”
Maybe that should’ve made me feel better, but it didn’t. Now all I could see was Olivia being charmed by some idiot who didn’t deserve her, some young man who would only break her heart. I squeezed my fists by my side trying to remind myself that it wasn’t any of my business; it wasn’t like she had a spot reserved in my bed, but it couldn’t be helped. I didn’t like it one bit. I didn’t want Olivia to belong to anyone else.
Unless you’re going to make her yours, then it doesn’t exactly matter who she belongs to, does it?
“I’m erm… I’m going to my office to work.” I pointed behind me, planning my escape route. “You can always come and get me if you need me, but since it sounds like you have a fun day ahead of you, I’m sure you won’t.”
“Erm, sure…” Justine and Olivia gave me matching odd looks. “See you later on.”
I closed my eyes as I walked into my home study without even bothering to get changed, cursing myself for being such an idiot. I wasn’t exactly being discrete about my feelings for Olivia, was I? Getting a temper because it was clear that she had feelings for someone else. At this rate, I would find myself sued for sexual harassment. Well, I would unless I just went for it, as the devil kept reminding me. I kept thinking about what it would be like if I just grabbed her around the waist and I took things much further than a kiss this time. Unless I slowly stripped her down and I sent her body to heaven and back…
I slumped into my desk chair and let my head fall into my hands. I was trapped in here all day long now, avoiding Olivia and Justine like the plague, but I couldn’t imagine me getting any real work done, not with my mind spinning like crazy. Holden’s advice kept worming its way through my thoughts, and I knew that I should listen to him, but knowing that and acting on it were two very different things. I kept trying to do what he’d told me, but since we lived under the same roof, it was damn near impossible to follow through.
I glanced to the side, seeing a picture of Michelle out the corner of my eye. I wondered what she’d think of me if she could see me right now. Would she be calling me a foolish older man with a crush on a younger, unattainable woman, or would she scream at me to get off my ass and just go for it? I wasn’t sure, and as my head and heart battled it out, I didn’t have a clue which side of me would end up winning.