Chapter Five
I woke up the next morning in Paul’s warm arms and after another mind blowing round of sex, we showered together and he drove me home. He left me off with a scorching hot kiss. I practically floated into the apartment before I stopped dead in my tracks. As soon as I opened the front door I knew something was terribly wrong. All of my furniture had been moved into the center of the room and I could smell paint. I stood there looking around and saw that the walls were covered with trees and rocks and rivers. My mother is somewhat of an artist. I just never would have guessed she’d get a wild hair and re-decorate my apartment without permission.
“Mom?”
She came almost running from somewhere down the hall. Her pupils were so dilated that from across the room her eyes looked black. She was wearing an apron over her pajamas and a pair of snow boots. Her hair was sticking up in every direction. She looked like a mad scientist.
“Mom, what’s going on?”
That was when she smiled. It was the same sick little smile that she used to give me when I came home from school to find her wasted. She was tweaking…again. “Hi baby. What do you think?”
“What do I think? Are you fucking insane? Mom, what did you take?”
She tried to pull of an innocent look, but it didn’t work at all. She was doing that thing with her mouth where she continuously smacks her lips and her neck kept twitching to one side. She was high, there was no denying it. “I didn’t take anything, baby. I don’t do that anymore.”
“Where did you get the money to buy anything? Who did you buy it from? Oh God Mom, please tell me you didn’t have Justin over here.”
“A man came over.”
“What? When?”
“I don’t know. Last night…maybe this morning….”
“Who was it, Mom? What was his name?” God, what if it was Mitch and he saw her like this. It was perfect…the thing he could use against me, my junkie mother.
“I don’t know,” she was using her whiney voice now, the one that made me want to slap her.
“Think, Mother. Was he old? Young? Was it the nice looking guy who took me out the other night? Was it a cop?”
“Why would it be a cop? I don’t want to go to jail, Jessie!” She started crying, “Please baby. I’ve been sober…I just slipped.”
“Oh Jesus, Mom. You’re not going to jail. I just need to know what happened here when I was gone.”
“I used the money you left me for food,” she said in a rush. I’m so stupid. First rule you learn in Al-Anon is not to leave a junkie home alone with cash. Jesus! This is just what I fucking needed.
“Mom, come here and sit down.” I tried to take her by the arm but she jumped back like my touch burned her skin or something. I hated it when she was like this, mostly because I never knew if I should be pissed or worried that she was going to drop dead. “Please, Mom.”
She finally sat down on the couch, as far from me as she could get and perched on the edge of it like she was preparing to have to run away.
“No, please tell me where you bought whatever it was you took. No one came here, did they?” When I had been with Justin I’d seen my fill of dealers and junkies. There wasn’t a single one of them I’d want in my home. It freaked me out just thinking about it.
“A man came by. He was looking for you.”
Shit! “I know, Mom. You told me. But what about the drugs? Who sold you the drugs?”
“I don’t do drugs any more baby. I’m sober.”
“Shit!” I jumped up off the couch and so did she. She really looked like she was about to rabbit out the door. I took a deep breath and in an even…relatively calm tone I said, “I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I’m just worried about you.”
“I love you, baby.” The tears were streaming down her cheeks now.
“I love you too, Mom. Maybe you could go take a shower and clean up. I think that would make you feel better. I’ll make some coffee and when you’re finished, we’ll talk.” I was making decaf that was for damned sure.
She sniffed up the snot that was running out of her nose and in a shaky voice she said, “Okay baby. I’m sorry I made a mess.”
I looked around at the murals. “Don’t be sorry, Mom. They’re kind of pretty. We’re going to get you some help, okay. Go get cleaned up.”
I watched her go down the hall and I went into the kitchen to make coffee. She must have worked all night. The cabinets all had little woodland creatures painted on them. Shit! Hopefully the apartment manager doesn’t come by for anything before I get this cleaned up. I started the coffee and sat down at the table with my phone. I typed in narcotics anonymous meetings and our city. I got about a million hits. I narrowed it down by date and neighborhood and found one that was at a church a few miles away. It said they had one tomorrow night.
I called the number listed and a man answered, “First Baptist Seventh Street. This is Mike, how can I help you?”
“Hello. I was wondering about your NA meeting tomorrow. Is that open to newcomers?”
“Of course. Everyone is welcome.”
“Good. My mother was sober…for a while. I honestly don’t know how long. I’m not sure how much of what she tells me is the truth, you know?”
“I do. It’s difficult.”
“To say the least,” I said. “Can I get directions? I think I will bring her down tomorrow, if I can convince her.”
He gave her the directions and then said, “If she refuses to come you’re welcome to call me for advice, or come anyways. We have some really good programs here for the families as well.”
“Thank you,” I told him. “I will do my best to get her there.” I hung up and went to check on Mom. She was sitting naked on the edge of the bed. She looked like she was in a trance. “Mom? Were you going to shower?” She looked up at me like she didn’t know me. It took her a good ten or twenty seconds to process who I was…I could see it on her face.
“Hi baby. I was just getting into the shower. A man came by…”
“I know, Mom. Come on, I’ll fix the water for you.” I fixed it so the water wasn’t too hot or too cold. Then I laid out a clean towel and laid out a sweat suit for her that I found in her things. I also found some little white pills in a clear plastic baggie on her nightstand. There were only three in the baggie. I wondered how many had been there to begin with. I flushed those down the toilet. I’m sure we’d have another knock down drag out when she went to look for them…but too fucking bad.
She looked a little better when she got out of the shower. I had to help her get dressed and then I blow dried her hair for her. I brushed and straightened in and then because she asked me to, I helped her put her make-up on. I didn’t tell her that what she looked like didn’t matter. We weren’t leaving the house today. Once she came down off her high and crashed, I was going to start cleaning up her mess.
******
I worked on the apartment that entire day. There wasn’t much I was going to be able to do about the landscape murals on the walls, but I got the rest of the place cleaned and the furniture put back. My mother had finally crashed about an hour after she had her shower. She slept all day and through the night…thank God. When she woke up on Sunday morning she was starving. I made her a big breakfast and after she had that and her coffee I said, “Mom, I talked to someone at the Baptist church nearby. They have NA meetings and programs there. I’d like to take you to one tonight.”
“I don’t need to go to NA, Jessie…”
“Mom, please don’t do this. I came in here yesterday and you had redecorated the entire apartment. Your pupils were the size of quarters and I found a baggie of pills in your room. You had taken so much…whatever the hell it was that you were practically incoherent. First and foremost, I love you and I’m worried about you. But second…you cannot stay here if you’re using. You think I won’t kick you out on the street, but bring drugs back in here and you’ll see how wrong you are.”
She was looking down at the table, not making eye-contact with me. When I finished talking she pulled her head up slowly and peeked out underneath her hair like a child. “I’m sorry,” she said. It was her favorite line. It was supposed to make everything magically disappear.
“That’s a start. But I’m sorry is not good enough, Mom. You go to the meeting tonight, and promise me you will not bring drugs back in this house…or I can’t help you any longer.”
“I don’t want to be like this,” she said. It was pathetic and no matter how angry I wanted to be, I knew she was telling the truth about that much anyways.
“I know, Mom.” I reached over and put my hand on hers. “I don’t want you to be this way either, because I love you, okay?”
“You’re the only one, Jessie. You’re the only one that never leaves me.” She started crying again. I just hugged her and let her cry it out. Sometimes that was all you could do. The rest of the day she acted embarrassed every time she looked at the walls and she kept apologizing. She fixed us lunch and we watched a movie together and when it was time to leave for the meeting, she didn’t complain.
I told her we needed to take the bus because my car was having some problems. The truth was that I was worried still about Mitch. She couldn’t even remember telling me a man came by when she sobered up, much less who it was. I was also going to meet Paul after I dropped her off and I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t being followed there.
When we got off the bus I walked her to the door. She looked scared and I felt really bad leaving her. She knew that I couldn’t stay though. The meetings were confidential and if I waited for her, I’d have to sit outside in the dark.
“It’s going to be okay,” I told her. She nodded, but she didn’t look too sure. “This is a safe place. Here,” I handed her the bus pass I bought for her and said, “Just wait right over there where it let us off. It will drop you in front of the apartment. If I’m not home when you get there, don’t let anyone in, okay? No one, Mom. Remember what I said earlier, okay?”
“I got it,” she said. I could tell she was annoyed with me. She used to tell me I talked to her like she was a child or an idiot. I used to tell her back that if she didn’t act like a child or an idiot, I wouldn’t talk to her like she was one.
Trying to sound more upbeat than I felt I said, “Good luck, Mom. I’ll see you at home.”
She nodded again and turned and went inside. I stood there, feeling guilty about…I don’t even know what. I finally turned and went back over to the bus stop. When the bus came I got on it, changing buses twice before I finally got on the one that would take me to the small town where Paul’s sister and nephew were at. When I got off the bus there, Paul was waiting for me.
“Hey,” he said, giving me a kiss before we got into his truck.
“Hi.”
“No problems getting here?” He was asking nicely if I made sure I wasn’t followed. I didn’t tell him that I felt like a Bond girl sneaking around from bus to bus.
“No problems. I was really careful.”
“Good. I’m glad you’re here.”
“Me too.”
We drove for about ten minutes and Paul parked his truck in the lot of a Chinese food restaurant. We went inside and he ordered take-out.
When we got back outside and I started towards the truck he said, “We’re going to leave it here.”
“Oh, okay.” I knew he was being careful. He took my hand and we started walking. We walked through a little town that sat not too far from the city we lived in, but looked like an entirely different world. To me it looked like it used to be a little fishing village or something. The houses and markets and even the schools were piled on top of each other, a jumble of different colors, styles and materials. One house would be made out of brick and the next would be a two-story Tudor style. There were wooden ones that looked like cottages and in the midst of it all were trees…everywhere you looked were dense green trees that seemed to almost twist out of the buildings in some spots. Some of them were leaden with unpicked fruit and gave the whole town a sickeningly sweet kind of smell. It was a strange little place, and I found it even stranger when we left the residential area and came to a whole row of what looked like abandoned buildings. It was an old strip mall, and some of the buildings looked to barely still be standing. Everything on this side of the little town looked like it had sat and been baked by the sun for decades.
Paul led me to what looked like a gym, but a really old one. The roof was flat and made of aluminum or sheet metal. The building was wooden and painted a shade of red usually reserved for barns. The front door had a big padlock and chain on it which Paul surprisingly had the key to. He unlocked it and pushed in the double doors. I stepped into a work-out room from the 1970’s. It was almost surreal.
“What is this place?”
“It used to be a gym. It’s been abandoned for years…decades.”
“Why? Why are all of these buildings empty?”
“The town used to be self-sufficient. There was a furniture plant that employed most of the adults in town. Then in the seventies it closed down and the people who had cars either moved or got jobs in other towns. The ones who didn’t likely went on welfare…either way, the town pretty much died. It came back to life a little in the nineties, but they started re-building over there near the bus depot. They’ve never done anything with this part of town. My Sensei owns this building.”
“Hey Uncle Paul! Did you bring food?”
Victor was racing towards us and Paul grabbed him and pretended to throw him down on the old mat on the floor. They wrestled for a while, it was really cute. When Marie came in the room though, they stopped and both looked guilty. “Were you two wrestling again?” Neither of them said anything but the guilty look on their faces said it all. She shook her head at them and then she looked at me and smiled. “Hi Jessie. How are you?”
“I’m good, Marie. How are you?”
“I’m doing well, thank you. If I could get these two to settle down for five minutes. It’s like living with two five year olds. Did you get the egg-foo-yung?”
“Man, I want to be a woman when I grow up,” Victor said.
We all looked at him in shock and Paul said, “Why would you say that?”
“Because when you’re a woman you get to give all the orders and decide on the food and everything.” Marie gave him a narrow eyed look and Paul laughed. I tried to keep a neutral expression but I think the smile won out.
Marie set the food up for us on a table in the back room. They had a little refrigerator and there were three air mattresses. It looked like a pitiful place to have to live…especially with a kid. They all seemed to be doing well with it though. Marie was pleasant and Victor was funny and Paul seemed to still be riding some of his high from the fight the night before. I’d like to think it was from me too.
After we ate and cleaned up, which pretty much consisted of throwing the paper plates and chopsticks away, Paul took my hand and said, “Come here, I want to show you something.” I followed him through another small room and he stopped at a metal ladder attached to the wall. “You’re not afraid of heights are you?”
“No,” I said, honestly. I wasn’t so sure about a rusty old ladder connected to a wall though. I didn’t say that part out loud though so he stepped back and waited for me to go up. I climbed the six or seven rungs and rose up through an opening at the top. It was the roof and as I suspected, it was aluminum. I stepped up onto it, hoping that it would hold up and a few seconds later Paul stepped out next to me. Between us now we were putting about three hundred pounds of pressure on it. It didn’t seem to be sagging or anything, but I was still a little freaked out. He took my hand again and led me over to a part that had a little partition from the rest.
We sat down and Paul looked up at the sky and said, “It’s pretty, huh?”
He put his arm around me and I looked up at the obsidian sky dotted here and there with the twinkling of the stars. “It’s beautiful,” I said. When I was a little girl I used to think if I could get up high enough, I could touch one. Tonight they looked really far away. I looked to the right of us, out across the rooftops of the rest of the abandoned buildings and saw the distant flash of a shooting star, or maybe it was just the lights of a car reflected just right. I made a wish anyways, just to be sure.
I felt Paul’s lips against the side of my head and I was surprised when he said, “One of these days, Jessie…I’m not going to have to live like this. I’m going to be a champion and I’ll have all kinds of money and I’ll be able to pay people to watch my family around the clock and keep them safe.”
I leaned my head back into his shoulder and said, “I believe you will.”
“Good,” he said, “Because when that future happens for me, I’d really like you to be a part of it.” I didn’t say anything to that. I didn’t have to. I’m sure like me, he could feel it. I would live with
him in this abandoned building if I had to. I definitely wanted to be a part of his future, whatever that future might hold.