Chapter Three
Alexa
Waking up is no longer a pleasure and sometimes I wondered if it ever would be again. There is one, grand fleeting moment when I’m whole and everything is okay. Then the memories of the past month begin to seep in…always beginning with the fact that Emma is dead. My lids don’t casually flutter open any longer. They snap open and look around the room, searching for…something. My brain becomes almost immediately overwhelmed again as if it were all new, fresh and raw. I want to linger in the blissful ignorance of waking up, but since I know I won’t be able to do that, at night I’ve begun to fight sleep like a toddler…I was so tired, all the time.
After I reminded myself, and not kindly, that my best friend was dead, I thought about Ian. I missed him already. I wanted to see him. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to touch him. I knew that was a bad idea until I had somethings figured out, so then I was really tempted to just pull the covers over my head and stay where I was. Unfortunately I’d tried that already and knew that wasn’t the solution either. My brain just wouldn’t shut down. I forced myself up and got into the shower.
I stood underneath the water and breathed in the steam, urging my mind to fade into that nothingness where everything real becomes a foggy illusion. I stood there and felt the warmth cascade down and over, and tried to imagine all of the stress washing down the drain. I stayed underneath the spray until the room was full of steam and the hot water was beginning to turn lukewarm before finally turning it off and stepping out. It hadn’t worked. The stress was still clinging to me. I picked up the towel and wiped the steam off of the mirror. I looked at my face and thought again about Emma. I wondered, not for the first time, how a person who was so dearly loved could disappear from the earth yet life could just go on. We still ate and showered and dressed and slept…and so many other things, while Emma didn’t do any of that any longer. I wondered sometimes if the tables had been turned and I’d been the one to die instead of Emma, if she would have done a better job of figuring this all out than I seem to be doing.
After I was dressed and had my hair and makeup done, I felt a little better. I went out of my room and found dad sitting at the dining room table, having his coffee.
“Morning princess. How did you sleep?”
“Good,” I lied, giving him a kiss on the cheek. I think, to be honest, I slept about an hour in total.
“What about you?” I poured myself some coffee and sat down with him.
“Not bad,” he said. He was probably lying too. I don’t think he’s slept through the night in years. It’s where I get my tendency to obsess over things from. “What’s on your agenda today?”
“I’m going to take my dad’s advice and disappear with myself for a few hours. I’m all ready for a day with no company, no deep-thoughts, just me and…hopefully my father’s Visa card?” That reminded me that maybe I needed to start thinking about looking for a job while I was here. I’d been so wrapped up in Emma and Ian…I had just selfishly allowed my dad to pay for everything. I guess at almost twenty years old, I should be past that. He didn’t care, but I should. As I knew he would, he smiled and took out his wallet. He handed me his AMEX card. I looked at it and said, “Are you sure? I could go hog wild with this one.”
He laughed, “I trust you,” he said.
“Thanks, Dad. One of these days, I’ll pay you back.”
“I’m not worried about it,” he said. I believed him, but since I didn’t have a job yet and I’d taken an entire semester off school, I hoped he wasn’t holding his breath because it might not be anytime soon. I finished my coffee, waiting until nine before I left, knowing the mall wouldn’t be open until then. I wished Dad a good day and took off for my “day for me”.
I didn’t want to run into anyone I knew today. I thought that might just defeat the purpose of this whole day with me exercise. Instead of going to our mall, I drove to the next town over. Their mall was a lot bigger anyways and I could get lost inside of it for hours if I wanted to. I took a deep breath as I got out of the car and willed my mind to clear itself of all the negative thoughts…all thoughts period. I walked in through the Macy’s entrance and looked around at all of the colorful displays. This just might work.
I started browsing and something about the smell from the fragrance counter reminded me of Emma. Emma loved to shop. She loved the mall. She used to say that the smell of it “empowered” her. She loved the attention we would get in a store like this and she would touch every dress or blouse or pair of pants that she liked, just to feel the texture of it. She’d try on everything, whether or not she needed it, or could afford it. She would get a free makeover and we never got out without a manicure. Sometimes we’d spend the entire day and go home without a single purchase…but it was always fun. Everything with Emma was an adventure.
“Miss, are you okay?”
I looked up and realized I was standing near the exit door and people had to go around me. My face felt wet and I reached up and touched my cheeks. There were tears there and people were staring at me. I wiped them away quickly.
“I’m fine, I said to the concerned-looking sales lady.
“I’m sorry.”
I forced a smile and moved on. So much for forgetting.