Chapter Thirty-Six
Emily
I was sitting at work, waiting for Terra to finish up with a late client, when my phone rang. It was my father. Ever since the two of us had gone for dinner, we’d spoken almost daily. The phone calls generally didn’t have a meaning, and most of the time it was just asking me how my day had gone. I called him yesterday first for the first time because I wanted to talk to him about his book. I was already half way through, and I was loving it. I wanted to ask what was going to happen and if my suspicions were correct. But he had only laughed and told me he would not tell me. I told him that there was no point knowing the author if the author wouldn’t give you any information. But he’d only laughed and told me he’d talk to me when it was done.
“Hey, John,” I said when I answered the phone.
“Okay time to talk? You still at work?” he asked.
“I’m still here. Just waiting for Terra and then we’re leaving. So this is a good time. But before we talk about anything, I have to tell you that I finished the book!”
“What? Already? But you were half way through yesterday.”
“I know. But you wouldn’t tell me what happened, and I just had to know. So I stayed up until about two this morning finishing it.”
“Oh no, I’m nervous now.”
“Why?”
“I’m always nervous when people I know read my stuff, but it’s even more nerve-wracking with you. Can you just tell me you liked it even if you didn’t?”
I laughed. “No need for me to lie. I loved it. You’re so talented.”
He breathed a sigh of relief. “Really?”
“Really. But did you really have to make Robert die? I liked him!”
“I know. Me too. I hated writing that scene. But it was important to the story.”
“You should write a book that happens before all of this, and have him as your main character. I feel like I need to know more about him.”
“You know, that’s not a bad idea. I might just do that.”
“Are you serious? Okay, get started soon!”
He chuckled. “You’re worse than my agent.”
We spoke a bit more about our day, and what we had done and when I put down the phone, I was smiling. Terra walked in and saw me.
“What was that all about? I only heard the tail end of the conversation.”
“Oh, that was John.”
“Your father?”
“Yeah.”
“So, you guys talk often?”
“Almost every day, really. Feel like some coffee? I thought we could go over to that place across the road before going home.”
“Sounds great. I’d love that.”
We grabbed our bags and headed out to the café. We ordered our coffee at the counter and took them back to the table with us.
“So, things seem to be going well between you and your father then. Have you seen him again?”
“No, we’ve just spoken on the phone. I also read that book he gave me. It was amazing. He’s so talented.”
“Can I read it next?”
“Of course! I’ll drop it off with you.”
“I’m happy for you, Em. I know it’s not going to be easy and I’m sure you’re going to have your ups and downs, but I’m glad you let him into your life. You deserve this. And, from the sounds of things, he’s not such a bad guy.”
I sighed. “He’s not. He’s really nice. And he regrets what he did. Sometimes I get so mad at him, but my feelings always soften. I know he wants to be in my life. And he’s trying really hard.”
“That’s good. I’d love to meet him.”
“Read the book, and then I’ll organize a meet up with him. We can interrogate him about it.”
“Ooh, I like that. Hey, remember that book club we used to have together?”
I chuckled at the memory. It was a few years ago, and everyone had bailed on us because we really wanted to read books and not just drink wine.
“We should do that again. Wow, now we actually get to talk to the author of one of the books. That’s cool,” I said.
“Very cool. It looks like your life is finally getting back on track.”
“Sort of. Although, I might have gained a father, but I’ve lost a boyfriend.”
“I thought you and Grant were never going out.”
“Not officially. But I guess I sort of saw him as my boyfriend. I really liked him, Terra.”
“I know you did. I’ve never seen you like anyone as much as him. Are you sure you don’t want to just call him? Maybe the two of you just need to talk.”
“Maybe. But then I get angry and think that he should be the one that calls me.”
“Oh no, that’s a terrible game to play. What if he’s thinking the same thing about you? It’s an endless game then. Just think about it.”
“I will.”
“So, changing the subject,” she said, and I smiled. I wanted her to change the subject. “Have you seen Brett and Wendy lately? Weren’t they supposed to come in this week?”
“He canceled again. But he assures me that he’s coming in soon. He actually called me this time. He sounded all weird. I don’t know. As much as I miss Wendy, maybe it’s good that he doesn’t come back. I don’t need more drama in my life.”
After the coffee, I went home to get the book and dropped it off with Terra. Then, instead of going home again, I decided to visit my mother’s gravestone. I tried to go there at least once a month, but with everything that had been going on lately, I missed the month before. I sat down and placed my hand on the stone.
“I miss you, Mom. I wish you were here. You would know what to do in this situation. Can I tell you something that I haven’t told anyone? I’ve barely even admitted this to myself. I think I’m in love with Grant. I’ve never felt that way about anyone before in my entire life. I always wondered what it felt like to be in love with someone. I wasn’t sure that I’d ever find out what it felt like. And then I met Grant. He’s different from most of the guys I’ve known. I don’t know what it is about him. He’s just different. And now it’s all ruined. Is this what it felt like with you and my father? Did you also just know? I’m so sad thing he left us when we could’ve been such an amazing family together. I met him, Mom. He came back. And he’s amazing. But . . . sometimes it’s hard for me to forget what happened. And then I worry that you’re going to be upset that I’ve forgiven him. And what if Grant is like him? What if he leaves me the way Dad left you? I just wish you were here to talk to me. Sometimes I feel so alone.”
I sat there crying for a while. Sometimes when I visited her grave, I’d have pretend back and forth conversations. But this time I was more aware of the fact that I’d never hear her voice again. I’d never feel her arms around me. I heard a sound behind me, and I jumped. I turned around, and my father was standing there.
“I’m sorry I gave you a fright,” he said. “Mind if I sit down?”
I nodded. “Yeah, of course,” I said and wiped my eyes. “Did you hear me talking?”
“A little,” he admitted. “I’m sorry that you feel so alone.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said.
“It is a little, though.”
I nodded. It was true, and neither of us could deny it. But as hard as it was, I was grateful that we were being so honest with one another. “Do you come here often?”
“Ever since I’ve moved back here, I’ve come every day.”
“Have you moved back for good?”
“I have. I don’t want to leave you again. Now that I’ve found you, I never want to let you go. I hope you don’t mind.”
I felt a little smile form on my face. “I don’t mind,” I whispered.
“You know, Emily, I loved your mother very much. I think one of my biggest problems was that I always felt like I didn’t deserve a woman like that in my life. She was everything to me. When I left, I wanted her to tell me to come back. And when she didn’t, I thought she was happy that I had gone.”
“Would you have come back?” I asked.
“I think so. I don’t know. But all I’m trying to say is that if you really love Grant, then don’t let him get away. Maybe he’s just scared, like I was. Some people just need a bit more reassurance than others. You’ve got to put everything into a relationship if you love someone. You can’t just run away from your problems. Look at me. I ran away, and it didn’t make me a happier man. I was lonely all those years without my family. I regret that so much. I’ve lost out on so many years.”
Suddenly he was crying. Ever since we’d met, he’d had a very calm demeanor about him, and as horrible as it was to see him cry, I was glad to see the emotion. I reached out and wrapped my arms around him. It was the first time that the two of us had hugged, and soon I was crying too.
“You know,” he said when we eventually pulled away. “Your mom would be happy to see us like this.”
“I think so too. She never said anything horrible about you, you know. That was something I never understood growing up. I kept asking her if she was mad at you, if she hated you, if you were a horrible person. And she always told me what a lovely man you were. I think she always knew you’d come back.”
“I just wish she were still here,” he said.
“Me too. Every single day. I don’t think that wish will ever go away.”
“No, I suppose not. Emily, I’m never going to leave you. I hope you know that. I don’t ever want to leave you again. This is it now. I’m here for good. I want to be in your life. I might have missed out on your childhood, but I want to be there for the rest. I really mean it.”
I smiled. “I know you do.”
“I love you,” he said, and his voice choked slightly on the words.
I nodded. “I love you too, Dad.” He looked at me in surprise at the word ‘Dad’ and I smiled. “Okay, that was weird to say out loud,” I said with a nervous laugh. “But I liked it.”
“I liked it too.”
We sat in silence for a few moments.
“Are you going to fix things with Grant?” he asked. “I really liked him, you know. It was clear to me how much he cared for you.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I’m scared it’s too late.”
“No, it’s not too late.”
I smiled at him. “Have some time?” I asked.
“Of course. Why, what did you have in mind?”
“I was thinking we could stay here a little longer, and maybe tell some stories about Mom? There’s lots about her that you know, and I don’t. And there’s tons I know that you don’t. I think it will be nice. Oh, and I come here once a month to visit. Want to make this a monthly visit together?”
“I’d love that, Emily.”
I leaned and put my head on his shoulder, and the two of us sat for almost an hour, talking about my mother. It was both the saddest and happiest moment of my life.