BEST FRIEND’S BROTHER #3
Chapter One
Alexa
I stood in the alcove of the front door and watched Ian drive away. This day had started out so good that it was hard for me to believe that it ended so badly. I let myself into the house and I was disappointed to see the light on in the living room. That meant Dad was still up. He always turned the lights off before he went to bed. I stood in the small foyer wiping at my face. I didn’t want my dad to know that I’d been crying. He would just start worrying about me again.
“Alexa?”
“Yeah Dad, it’s me,” my voice cracked. Damn it! I heard him get up off the couch, so I just gave up and went in. “Hi Dad, why are you still up?”
“I was waiting for you,” he said. “I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay. Are you okay?”
“I’m okay.”
“You don’t look okay baby, you’ve been crying.”
“I’m okay Daddy, really. My emotions have just been crazy, you know? They’re all over the place and I cry at the drop of a pin lately.”
“Come sit with me for a minute,” he said. I didn’t want to. I just wanted to go to my room and be alone. His eyes looked so worried though that I felt bad. I went over and sat on the couch with him. “Where were you tonight?”
“I went out with Ian. We met some of his friends at the over eighteen club downtown.”
“Ian’s been around a lot lately.”
“Yeah…”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
No, I wasn’t, obviously. I wanted to hear why he seemed not to though so I said, “Do you not like him, Dad?”
“It’s not that,” he said. “I don’t really know him. What I’ve heard of him and seen of him…it seems like he and Emma were polar opposites. She was always such a happy girl. She had such a sunny disposition all the time. Ian seems…I don’t know, sulky, brooding…I guess women are attracted to that. I just hate to think of you getting with someone who will bring you down.”
I had tears in my eyes from when he mentioned Emma, but I laughed through them when he said that about what women are attracted to. “Not all women like that sort of thing, Dad. His brooding is mostly related to the fact that his sister just died. He’s not always like that. He has regular moods just like anyone else. Anyways, you don’t have to worry about it anymore.”
“Is that why you were crying? Did he do something?” Dad looked like he was going to go after him. It was funny to me how parents lost sight of their own mortality when it came to defending their kids.
“No, Ian didn’t do anything, Daddy. I just decided that we were spending too much time together. We were both just looking for a way to get past losing Emma and our emotions got all mixed up, I think.” I was saying all of this to my dad because I couldn’t bring myself to tell him about Ian’s past for some reason. I was angry with him, but still protective. It was strange. As I said it though, I realized that maybe it was true, partly. Maybe I had only become so infatuated with him in the first place because of Emma. I had to have seen him before at least some point over the years…but I hadn’t even noticed him until Emma died.
“Well I know that you need to have someone to talk to about her,” Dad was saying, “But I think you’re right. I’m not sure Ian was the best choice. One person grieving in a relationship is bad; two is a recipe for disaster. If you need to talk to me about anything…”
I forced a smile. He was trying so hard. I just wasn’t sure what I needed right now. Ian seemed to be the only thing that worked. “I know, Dad. I appreciate it, thank you,” I yawned and said, “I think I’m going to go to bed.”
“Okay honey. Please let me know if you need anything. I know that I can’t fix this, but it breaks my heart to watch you go through this.”
I stood up and kissed him on the top of his head. “I will, Daddy. Thank you.”
I left him sitting worried on the couch and when I got to my room I thought once again how messed up things were. He worries about me because I lost my best friend and I worry about him, worrying about me. Ian and I had been worried about each other, but now I think I put my faith in the wrong person there…I don’t know why life has to be so damned complicated.
I changed into my night clothes and went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth and washed my face. Sometimes, going through the motions of normalcy helped. I looked at my face in the mirror and realized that tonight wasn’t one of those sometimes. The stress was still very clearly showing on my face.
Before I got into bed I looked at my phone. Ian hadn’t texted me or tried to call. I was a little bit surprised about that at first. Maybe I flattered myself, but I thought he would at least text. As I lay down and thought about our conversation and the things I found out tonight I realized that it was probably a sign that I had done the right thing. He doesn’t have any more to add to what I’d heard because I was right. He was a cheater, then and now. His friends all seemed either complacent about it all, or amused. I shut off the lamp and tried to go to sleep but my mind just wouldn’t shut off. It was hours later before my mind finally became too exhausted to continue batting around all of the thoughts that were wandering around in there. I slipped into a dreamless sleep. It was like the sleep of the dead.
I woke up the next morning when the sun pushed its way through the blinds in my room. They were closed, but the sun was insistent and found any tiny little crack that it could to slip in and assault my eyes. It reminded me of the day I woke up in my dorm room…the day I found out that Emma was dead. Suddenly that wave of grief that always stalked me crashed over my head like a tsunami. My chest physically hurt and before I even knew that I was crying again, the tears were already flowing freely down my cheeks. God, I miss her. She’s the one that I would talk to about things like what happened with Ian. She would either agree with me or she’d set me straight…she was always honest with her advice and opinions. Sometimes I took it and sometimes I didn’t, but we always respected each other. We always loved each other. We always were there for each other.
I lay there in my bed and sobbed like a baby, soaking my pillow and remembering all of the times when I had a broken heart, all I had to do in order to feel a little better was call Emma. She would talk me through it and restore my self-confidence and having me laughing before it was all over. What was I going to do without her for the rest of my life? I didn’t have other friends like her. The rest of them were just superficial friends. They’re “hang-out” friends. Not Emma. She was the closest thing that I ever had to a sister. I loved her so much and she loved me back. I realized that at least being with Ian had distracted me. I’d been able to carry on with my daily routine because I wasn’t completely focused on losing Emma. Instead I felt like we were keeping her alive in a way by sharing our memories of her. I didn’t even have that now and I had no idea how to carry on alone.
I turned into the pillow and closed my eyes. I just wanted to sleep. Sleep would let me forget and make the time pass. I wanted the time to pass quickly so maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much. People always say that it gets easier with time. Well, bring on the time because this shit hurts so badly.