Chapter Four
Alexa
I realized when the movie ended and I still didn’t go straight home that my “feet dragging” was getting ridiculous. What was I afraid of? Was I afraid that he would say something that had a point to it and make me not be with Ian? Or, did I just really not want to argue with him tonight? I stopped at the ice cream parlor that Emma and I used to go to on our “date” nights and instead of ordering my favorite kind, I ordered hers. I was stalling, but I was also healing. I was beginning to accept that Emma was gone…slowly. I was able to do that without being constantly in tears by doing things like this to keep her memories alive…and talking to Ian about her. Spending time with Ian helped a lot. But that was definitely not all it was about anymore, so I decided that I needed to do things like this on my own.
I ate my ice cream slowly, taking a short walk as I did. The night was warm and the moon was almost full, if I hadn’t had the problems with Dad on my mind, it would have been really enjoyable. I finally forced myself back to my car and ended up at home. I was about half way there when Ian sent me a text asking if everything was okay. I thought it was sweet that he was worried about me. I told him things were fine, although I hadn’t talked to Dad yet. I was trying to let myself be confident that I would be. I parked the car and noticed the lights were still on. I walked into the house and even though it was late, I wasn’t surprised to find Dad up in the living room…pretending to read. It was what he’d been doing since I was fifteen years old. If I wasn’t mistaken, it was even the same book. He looked up at me as if the time had gotten away from him and said, “Oh, there you are.” He glanced at the clock, not even subtly and said, “I hadn’t heard from you. I wasn’t sure you were coming home tonight.”
The guilt trip. Good move, Dad. “Sorry. I guess I should have texted. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”
“Where have you been?”
Here goes, “With Ian,” I said, taking a seat on the couch. He was in the recliner and he snapped down the leg rest and sat up straight. “I know that you tried to get him to dump me, Daddy. That’s not cool. I thought we were finished with all of this back when I was in high school.”
He sighed. I could tell by the look on his face that he was pissed…probably at Ian. He had a lot of nerve to do something like that and then be mad at Ian for telling me. He wouldn’t have to worry about it if he would just stop.
“I didn’t say, “Dump,” he said. “Did he say I said, “dump”? Because if he did…”
“Stop it, Dad. Stop trying to turn this around on him. You were in the wrong and you know it. You told him to leave me alone, completely. You told him to walk away and break my heart now instead of in the future. You know how much I like him. I don’t know why you would do that.”
“Because he’s not good for you,” he said. “He is going to break your heart whether it’s tomorrow or next month.”
I tried to keep my voice steady and not let my emotions get involved in this just yet as I said, “Daddy, I mean no disrespect to you when I say this. I love you and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and continue to do for me. But I’m a grown woman. You can’t tell people to stay away from me because you’re afraid I’m going to get hurt. Ian is not Mom. But if by some cosmic twist of fate he turns out to be, getting hurt is part of life and I have to learn how to deal with getting hurt just like any other adult. It’s part of life…part of growing up. What you’re doing is driving a wedge between you and me by trying to control my life. I can’t stand that. You’re making me not want to be here.”
“I’m doing that?” he said, angrily. “I’m trying to protect you. That’s more than I can say for a man who takes advantage of a girl who is grieving.”
“He didn’t and is not taking advantage of me! We leaned on each other to deal with losing Emma…but it turned into more than that. He didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not angry with Ian about this. I’m angry with you.”
“That figures. But that’s okay Alexa, I’m used to it. I figured he’d be a wimp about it and tell you anyways. I bet he just couldn’t wait.”
“Actually Daddy, he tried not to. He was rude and dismissive and for two days he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. I wouldn’t leave it alone. He finally broke down and told me and then apologized and felt bad for you. I hope that makes you feel bad. You’re sitting here calling him names and he was defending you and your motives for doing this. It makes me furious.”
“I will never feel bad for protecting you no matter what I have to do in order to accomplish that. It’s my job.”
Grr! “Daddy, I’m not sixteen any longer.”
“I realize that. I know how old you are to the minute. I was there the day you were born and I will be there until the day I die. Even when you’re forty, you will still be my daughter and I will still be concerned with you getting hurt. I won’t ever walk out on you, even if you push me away.”
“Daddy, if you don’t stop trying to control my life, you are the one pushing me away.” He stood up out of the chair and threw his arms in the air.
“Fine!” he said. “But tell me something, Alexa…Explain it to me so I can understand…Why would you blindly walk into this relationship knowing that it’s not going to work? Why would you set yourself up to get hurt?”
“I know no such thing. I like him a lot. He likes me. We get along well. We have a lot in common. Why would you even say that it won’t work? That hurts me.”
“He makes his living letting people hit him in the face and the head. How long is a human supposed to go through that until it has permanent damage. Have you seen Muhammad Ali lately? He can barely speak, or walk because he’s had so many concussions. They blame it on something else…but look at Mike Tyson. He’s a nut case….” He was reaching, desperate to make me not want to be with Ian…or any man for that matter. What Ian does is even more dangerous than what the old time boxers did. They use their feet and judo and they choke each other…Alexa, he could end up dead in the ring. Then what? Then you go through that heartbreak too on top of losing your best friend. It’s not fair of him to ask that of you!” I suddenly felt very sick to my stomach. I couldn’t believe that he was sitting here trying to convince me that Ian might die to keep me from dating him. He put an image in my head that I was going to have trouble shaking. How desperate was he to keep me a little girl? I think he suddenly realized how harsh he’d been. His face softened a little bit and he said, “Honey, there has always been a black cloud that followed this family around. I’m just so afraid for you.”
“I’m done with this,” I told him. He was calling after me, but when I got to my room I slammed the door. I didn’t want to hear anymore. His words were ringing in my head…Ian, dead in the ring. I didn’t know whether to be upset or pissed off. As it were, I was both.
I lay awake most of the night with my father’s words, “He could die in the ring” running through my head. If Emma hadn’t died just over a month ago, maybe I could have laughed it off. But the idea of mortality never really held a place inside of me until recently. Now I think about it probably more than is healthy, and thanks to my overprotective father I was now not only considering Ian’s mortality, but whether or not I wanted to stay with someone who did something so dangerous. Damn him! I spent the night playing out different scenarios in my head. In each scenario, Ian was dead and I was grieving all over again. At one point, I had to get up out of bed and go outside on the back porch for some fresh air. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. All of these thoughts had brought on a panic attack. I remembered the ones I’d had right after Emma died and I wondered…could I really go through all of that again?