Chapter Twenty-Eight
Emily
When I’d first made the decision to meet up with my father, I’d, felt confident that I was doing the right thing. But now that the day was here, I had the shakes. I was feeling nervous about it all. Grant had come over early while I got ready. I think he knew I’d be nervous, and I was glad to have him there. I put on a pair of jeans and a top I’d always liked and looked in the mirror.
“Are you okay?” Grant asked.
I shook my head. “I keep wondering if he’ll like my outfit, and then I get cross with myself for even thinking that way. Why should I care what he thinks of me? He left me! And yet . . . I do care. And that makes me so angry.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Em. This is a very weird situation. It’s not exactly something you can prepare for. You’re doing so well. And you look absolutely beautiful.”
Grant pulled me toward him and kissed me gently on the mouth. We sat there for a while, talking about anything other than the dinner we were about to go to, and I knew he was only trying to get me to relax. I looked at him and smiled. For the first time since being with Grant, I couldn’t help but wonder if this would end up being a real relationship. Why would he go so out of his way to be there for me if he didn’t want it to go further? And for the first time, I felt like I wanted more out of it.
“Thanks, Grant. I appreciate you being here so much,” I said.
He smiled. “It’s my pleasure. So, are you ready?”
“I don’t know if that’s the right word. But yeah, I guess I am.”
“Remember, no matter what happens, I’m here for you. And this is a good thing, Em. No matter what way this ends up going, it’s going to give you some sort of clarity that you never had before. Either way, this is going to be good.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
I stood, took a deep breath, and smiled.
“Okay, let’s do this.”
We were meeting John at a restaurant about an hour’s drive away. I’d decided on the place when I realized how fast news would travel if I went somewhere nearby. All it would take is one person to listen in on what we were saying and to spread the news to someone else. I didn’t mind anyone knowing about it, but I wanted to process the information by myself first. The restaurant was big, but somewhat noisy, which is exactly what I wanted. I didn’t want anything too small or too quiet. I wanted us to be just another number in a sea of people.
I spotted a man in the far corner, looking down at the menu. I could see that he wasn’t reading a thing, but merely desperate for something to do. And I knew that I was looking at John. I gulped and pointed him out to Grant.
“You can do this, Em,” he said and took my hand.
Together, we made our way over to the table. John looked up and gasped when he saw me. I wondered if my reaction matched his. Right then, I had no idea what I was doing. I seemed to just be going through the motions. The whole time I had been wondering if perhaps this man that I’d be meeting was going to be a fraud. But now that I was facing him, I knew without a doubt that he was my father. I looked just like him. The same sandy-blond hair. The same dark-blue eyes. He looked so young, though. I wondered how old he was, but I could barely even find my words to greet him, let alone ask him questions.
“Oh, Emily,” he said and his eyes filled with tears. “You’re so grown up. And you’re so very beautiful.”
I gulped. “Hi, John. It’s . . . it’s nice to meet you,” I finally said. He put his hand out in greeting, but I pretended like I hadn’t seen it. “Uh, this is my boyfriend, Grant.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Grant said. He shook his hand and then we all sat down. Grant clasped my hand under the table and squeezed to let me know that he was there. I shot a grateful look at him. I had never been so happy to have him in my life.
“It’s great to meet you too,” John said. I could see he was nervous. “Well, uh, thank you so much for meeting me, Emily. I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you.”
I nodded. “Okay,” I said in a weird voice.
The waiter came around, and we all ordered a glass of wine without hesitation. Clearly, we needed something to get us through the night, and I couldn’t wait for the wine to arrive. We sat in mostly awkward silence as the waiter brought the bottle and poured us each a glass. It was obvious that we were all feeling uncomfortable and I was sure the poor waiter could sense it.
“Uh, can I get you anything to eat?” he said.
I looked at the menu as if seeing it for the first time, and I noticed John doing the same. I breathed a sigh of relief when Grant took control of the situation.
“How about we just get two pizzas for the table and share?” he said. I nodded, and so did John. “John, is there anything you don’t like or anything you want?”
“Order whatever you like. I’m not fussy,” John said.
“Right, can we get one very meat-lovers pizza, and one vegetarian,” Grant said to the waiter. “Lots of cheese on both though, please,” he said and then looked at me and smiled.
“Thank you, Grant,” John said.
“It’s my pleasure. Look, I can imagine this must be a very strange situation for both of you. John, this is very hard on Emily, but I want you to know that anything you want to say to her, you can do with me here. I’m not going to leave her tonight. But please be honest with her. She deserves it.”
I looked at Grant in surprise. I hadn’t expected him to say anything, let alone to put John in his place. Grant smiled at me, and I smiled back. What would I have done without him there? For someone that was only pretending to be my boyfriend, he was doing a very good job at it.
“I completely agree,” John said. “This is the time for honesty.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“So, uh, is it okay if I ask you a few questions?” John said.
I knew I should be the one asking him questions, but I didn’t know what to say, so I just nodded. For now, I wanted someone else to drive the conversation. I took a big gulp of my wine. It had never tasted so good before.
“What . . . uh, what do you do for a living?” he asked.
“I’m a speech therapist for children.”
John beamed as if I’d just told him I’d won the Nobel Prize or something. “A speech therapist? That’s incredible!”
“And she’s brilliant at it,” Grant said.
“Oh, I don’t doubt it. How about you, Grant? What do you do?”
“I’m a firefighter,” Grant said proudly, and I squeezed his hand. It was probably one of the first times he was really saying it out loud, and I knew it made him happy. I was glad that we had something so good to tell John about our lives. I wanted to shout and say, You see! I’m doing just fine without you.
“A speech therapist and a firefighter. Both wonderful jobs. That’s amazing,” John said. “Do you live together?”
“No,” I said.
“Not yet,” Grant said and grinned at me.
For the next half hour, we spoke in broken sentences, and I didn’t dare start a conversation. But the longer we sat there, and the more wine I drank, the more I wanted to know. Finally, when there was a lull in conversation, I snapped.
“Where have you been all these years?”
John looked taken aback, but then he composed himself. He must’ve known I would eventually ask him some real questions. He sighed and looked down into his glass of wine.
“I was a mess, Emily. I moved away. I tried to pretend like you didn’t exist. I started a whole new life. But I couldn’t do it. I found myself unable to hold down a relationship. I never stayed in one job for a very long time. I was always on the move. I traveled a lot, and I told myself that it was what I wanted in life. And then, one day, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stop thinking about your mother. She was the only woman that I truly loved. And I’d abandoned her. I always thought she was better off without me. But now I realize that I should’ve fought for her. I should’ve fought for our family. And soon,” he said and stopped to catch his breath. He sounded on the verge of tears. “Soon, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I saw her everywhere. I’d walk down the street and think she was walking right toward me. I saw her face when I closed my eyes at night. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I wanted to see her again. I wanted to tell her I was sorry. I . . .”
“She’s dead,” I said solemnly.
He looked up. His eyes were filled with tears. “I know. I only just found out.”
I wanted to tell him that I was sorry. I wanted to tell him that I wished he’d had the chance to tell her everything that he’d wanted to say. But I was too angry to say anything. My mother had been dead for a very long time. He’d had plenty time to apologize. He’d had my whole life to come back. I stood up.
“What’s wrong, Em?” Grant asked.
I looked at him and shook my head. “I just can’t do this. I thought I’d be able to forgive you, but I just can’t. Maybe I could forgive the fact that you left me. Maybe. But my mother was the most amazing woman in the whole world. Do you have any idea what you did to her?” I said as I turned to face John. “You took away a part of her that I would never see again. Even on her happiest days, there was a sense of sadness about her. She missed you so much. You abandoned her. You abandoned us. I need to go.”
At that moment, the waiter came by with our pizzas. He looked alarmed as he saw me standing. He put the pizzas down and looked at us nervously. Grant, thankfully, took charge again.
“Unfortunately, we have to leave,” he said as he fished out his wallet. He took out some bills and handed them to the waiter. “But this should cover it. I’m so sorry.”
Grant turned to John. “You can keep the pizza. Thanks for coming out to see us. But we really have to go.”
Grant took my hand and led me out the restaurant. We drove back to my place in silence as we both thought about what had just happened. When we arrived at my house, I turned to look at him.
“I’m sorry for running out like that,” I said.
“Are you kidding? You had every right to. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Give yourself some time. You might want to see him again once you’ve had time to breathe a bit.”
“You think so? I’m not sure I ever want to see him again. Do you think I should?”
Grant nodded. “I think your father was making an effort. I think he made a terrible mistake, the biggest mistake of his life, and I think he’s trying to turn things around. It’s up to you if you want to let him. But I don’t think he’s a bad guy. But I’m here for you, Em. I promise. How about I go and get us some pizza for home?”
I shook my head. I knew that Grant had an early start the next day. And I didn’t want him to think he had to stay over just because I was upset.
“No, you’ve got an early start. I’ll be fine. I’ve got some leftovers in the fridge. I’ll have that, take a bath, and go to sleep. I’m exhausted.”
“Are you sure?” he asked.
I nodded. “I’m sure.”
“Call me if you need me, okay?”
“Okay. Thanks for being the best pretend boyfriend in the world,” I said.
“Anytime, Em. Anytime,” he said. He leaned over and kissed me gently on the mouth.