Chapter Thirty-Four
Emily
I woke up feeling sad that morning after remembering my dream. In the dream, I’d been sitting in the park having a picnic with Grant. The two of us were laughing and then he leaned in and kissed me, and when I pulled away, two familiar figures came walking toward me. My mother and my gran. They were both alive and well, and happy to see me. They sat down to the enjoy the picnic with us. Then my mother looked at me and said, “Where’s John?”
“Dad?” I replied.
“Yeah, he’s meeting us here. Didn’t the two of you go for dinner the other night?”
“Yes. But . . . I . . . I told him that I didn’t want to see him again.”
“But why? Oh no! He’s going to be so disappointed.”
Then, as I was about to say something else, my mother vanished, and so did my grandmother. I turned toward Grant and reached out for him. But as I touched him, he dissolved into a sprinkling of fine dust which got taken away with the smallest gust of wind. I looked around at the park, and I was all alone.
I was relieved when I woke up and realized it was all just a dream, but I still felt the heaviness of what had happened. Terra must’ve seen that I looked upset because the moment I got to work, she demanded to know what was wrong. I told her about the dream and how good it had been to see my mother and grandmother again.
“It felt so real. They were right in front of me, smiling at me. And when I told them that I didn’t want to see my father again, they looked so disappointed.”
“Do you think it means something?” Terra asked.
I shook my head. “Probably nothing more than just a little message from my own sub-conscious. But, I think I’m going to call my father and meet up with him. I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to stay in his life or anything. But I’m going to at least hear him out. Then, I’ll decide whether I can forgive him or not.”
“You are? That’s great news, Em!”
“So, there’s no point me asking you if you think this is a good idea or not, is there?” I said.
She chuckled. “I know it’s crappy, Em. But some people wait their whole lives for a second chance with someone, and they don’t it. I want you to have this second chance. Even if you don’t reconcile with him, I think it will give you a peace that you never had before.”
“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” I said. “Thanks, Terra. I know I’ve been a right pain lately.”
“Nah, you have every right to be. I’d be an emotional wreck too. You’re actually doing very well. Have you spoken to Grant yet?”
I shook my head. “No. He hasn’t called. And I haven’t called him either. Going to concentrate on one thing at a time. And maybe Grant and I just need a bit of breathing space for a while. Okay, let me get ready for work. I’m going to message my dad now before I chicken out.”
I got out my phone and typed out a message. Then I deleted it, and did it again. It took me about four tries to finally type out something I was somewhat happy with.
Hi, it’s Emily. I’d like to try that again. Free tonight?
I shoved the phone into my pocket and set about getting ready for the day ahead. I felt my phone vibrate, but I was too scared to look at it. Instead, I prepared everything for my upcoming meeting and then went to make myself a cup of coffee. Terra was in the kitchen doing the same thing when I got there.
“Send the message?” she asked.
“I did. And I think he replied. But I’m too afraid to look.”
“Go on, do it while you’re with me. You’re not going to be able to concentrate on work if you’re wondering what the message says.”
She was right. I took the phone out and handed it to her.
“You check.”
She looked at the message and smiled. “He wants to meet you.”
“He does?”
“Of course he does,” she looked at the phone again. “He’s happy with tonight. He says you must just name a time and a place and he’ll be there.”
I couldn’t figure out if I was happy or not. “Where should I meet him?” I asked.
“Why don’t you go to Tony’s? It’s a very casual place.”
“Yeah, great idea. Okay, I’ll make the booking. Thanks, Terra.”
“You bringing Grant with?”
I shook my head. “No. I think I need to do this one on my own this time.”
“Yeah, good idea. You’ve got this. And if you need anything, just call and I’ll be right there. Okay?”
“I will. Thanks, Terra.”
“Oh, hey, and before you go, I was wondering if you’d heard from Brett at all? I was thinking the other day that he hasn’t been around lately. What’s going on with Wendy?”
I shrugged. “I’ve been wondering the same thing. He didn’t make the last appointment and didn’t say why. I just got a text saying he couldn’t make it. No reason or anything. Wendy is due this week again, though, so we’ll see what happens. I’m glad though; I needed the break from him. Maybe he realized he was coming off too intense.”
“Yeah, maybe. What a creep. Maybe he’ll just stop coming altogether.”
I thought of little Wendy and frowned. “I wish Wendy would just come without him.”
Even though I didn’t have Wendy that day, I did have two amazing little kids to work with. Twins, Erik and Daniel, had been with me for six months, and I always looked forward to their visits. Even though they were identical, it didn’t take me long to figure out the one from the other. Erik was shy and reserved, but very creative. While Daniel was confident and more logical in his thinking. Each lesson had to be created to suit both their personalities, which was sometimes quite a challenge, but one that I enjoyed. At the end of their lesson, I talked to their parents to discuss their progress. They were loving parents. Normal parents. And when they left, I stared after them and wondered what it would’ve been like to be a part of such a normal family. Then I thought about my wonderful mother and grandmother and felt guilty. I may not have had a father, but at least I had them.
“All okay?” Terra asked when she caught me staring outside.
“Yeah, everything is fine. My next appointment canceled. Mind if I go home early and just get ready for this dinner?”
“Of course you can. Go for it. And call me when you’re done, okay? No matter what time it is. I want to hear how it went.”
I gave her a hug. “I’ll do that. Thanks, Terra.”
I got home, took a long bath, and got ready for the night ahead. I thought about phoning Grant but then changed my mind. He still hadn’t contacted me, and right now I didn’t need to add more worries to my evening. I couldn’t deal with two issues when the one was already so huge. I shook off all thoughts of Grant out my head and got ready for the dinner.
I got to Tony’s early that evening. I wanted to get there before him so that I could have a bit of wine before he arrived. But, as with last time, he was already waiting for me. And again, he looked nervous. He stood up when I arrived. I smiled, and we both sat down. There was no hugging or shaking of hands, but we were both polite. That was a start.
“Thank you so much for meeting me again, Emily. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.”
I nodded. “I’m sorry about the last time. It was just too much to handle. I honestly never believed that this day would come. I feel so unprepared.”
He smiled sadly. “That’s all my fault. You’ve got every right to be angry. And if you never want to see me again, I understand. Obviously, I hope that won’t happen, though.”
We ordered a glass of wine and a bowl of house pasta, neither one of us wanting to spend time looking through the menu. I didn’t have much of an appetite, anyway, but the food would at least give us something to occupy ourselves with.
“Can I ask you something?” I said after taking a big sip of wine.
“You can ask me anything.”
“What are you hoping to get from this?”
He sighed. “I don’t know. Of course, my biggest hope would be that we could walk away father and daughter. I’d like a relationship with you, and I’d like to be there for you for the rest of your life. But, I understand that might not happen. I guess just being able to contact you now and again, to see how you’re doing, to be there if you need. Well, that would suffice too.”
“I’m not sure what I want,” I said.
“I understand. And there’s no rush for you to decide.”
I nodded. “So, what do you for a living now? And where do you live?” I asked as I realized I didn’t even know the most basic details about him.
“I live about an hour away,” he said and named a town I knew well. “I’ve only been there for the past few months, though. Ever since I decided to track you down really. And, as for work, I’m a writer.”
I thought of my grandmother and smiled. “A writer? That’s cool. Novels?”
“Seven novels so far. I write under a different name, though.”
“You do? Why?”
“There was another writer with the same name and my agent thought it would be a good idea. Uh, I brought one of my books here for you to read. If you’re interested.”
“Of course I am,” I said and realized I meant it.
He fished out the book from his bag and handed it to me. My hands trailed over the cover, and I smiled as I put it into my own bag.
“Thank you.”
“I’m glad I finally get to show you. So, speech therapist, huh? That’s cool. Do you enjoy it?”
“I love it.”
“Mind if I ask you to explain a bit more about it? I’m actually not too clued up in it.”
“Of course not,” I said and launched into how it worked. I told him all about the kids that came in to see me, and about working with my best friend. It was only when the food arrived that I realized I’d been talking too much. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I either talk a lot when I’m nervous, or I completely shut up. It’s never in between.”
“I’m glad. I want to know about you. I have a lot of years to make up for.”
“Are you married?”
He shook his head. “No.”
“Girlfriend?”
“No.”
“Kids?”
“Just you.”
I took a deep breath. I hadn’t realized how much I’d wanted him to have those answers until after I’d asked him.
“Why didn’t you remarry?” I asked.
“Because nobody could match up to your mother. I’ll be honest with you, Em; leaving your mother was the worst decision of my life. But I was so young, and I was such an idiot. I thought I knew what I wanted. What I didn’t realize was that it had been right in front of my face all along. I know I don’t deserve to have you sitting in front of me right now.”
“You don’t,” I said honestly. “But I’m sort of glad you are.”
“You are?”
“I think so. I don’t really know what I’m feeling right now or what I want, but I’m starting to realize that it’s okay not to be sure.”
He smiled. “It’s absolutely okay.”
“You know, you look a lot like me,” I said, and then I laughed. “I mean, I look a lot like you. I think it’s the eyes.”
“Either that or our fabulous hair,” he said and chuckled.
“And our impeccable dress sense.”
“And our incredible sense of humor.”
“Let’s not forget our intelligence.”
We laughed and then, just as the laughter subsided, I cried a little. The food arrived at that moment which gave me a chance to compose myself.
“Sorry about that,” I said. “My emotions are completely out of whack.”
“That’s okay. I’m just glad we laughed.”
“Me too,” I said.
We started eating and turned the conversation over to food, which felt nice and safe. Then, just as we were finished, he asked me about Grant.
“Where’s your boyfriend tonight?”
“Oh, he’s not my boyfriend. He’s just a friend. I only asked him to pretend to be my boyfriend in case things went badly, or if you weren’t who you said you were. Sorry about that.”
He arched his eyebrows in surprise. “He’s not your boyfriend? He sure looked like he was.”
“Good acting,” I said unconvincingly.
“Are you sure? Because from what I could see, the two of you were very much in love. I could see it in his eyes. In yours too. I don’t think any amount of acting could do that.”
I laughed nervously. “No, he’s just a friend.”
After dinner, John walked me to my car.
“Thank you again for seeing me tonight, Emily. I had the best time.”
I smiled. “Yeah, so did I.”
“You seem surprised.”
“I am. Look, I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to just call you John. At least for now.”
“John is great. Does that mean I’m going to see you again?”
“I’d love that.”
We shook hands, and I walked away smiling. When I got into my car, I took out the book that he’d given me to look at again. The book was called “The Reason”—a psychological mystery that sounded just like the sort of book I’d normally read. I opened up the front cover and gasped when I saw the dedication on the first page.
Emily, I miss you.