CHAPTER 17

Reagan

 

The light in the living room was still on as I stared at the house. Someone was awake. It was the question of who that kept my ass rooted to the seat of my car. I’d been there for over an hour watching.

I’d driven around for a bit, before stopping at my apartment to change. Hitting something sounded perfect. Two hours and a heavy bag later I was able to think clearly since the first moment I saw Sawyer kissing that guy. After I’d calmed down, I realized how badly I’d fucked up when I walked out on Sawyer. My best friend, and I treated him like he was a parasite. I had no idea what it was like to let your friends and family know you’re gay. Hell, why it mattered to anyone else who you were sleeping with never made any sense to me. As long as it was in your bedroom, why did someone care?

But, tonight.

Tonight, I did a shitty job showing Sawyer that was how I felt. And it had nothing to do with him being gay. I was pissed at being left out. Not that he’d come out and told me. I saw it with my own eyes. Sawyer hadn’t seen me when he walked out of the elevator. I’d left work early, exhausted from the last few late nights hanging out with Sawyer. What I hadn’t expected was to see Sawyer with his lips pressed to another guy’s.

When it finally registered, I froze in my tracks. Sawyer shoved the guy up against the wall, their mouths pressed together. There was a peek of tongue as their lips moved against each other. I couldn’t move. My eyes glued to the men making out against the wall. Sawyer’s fingers gripped the other man’s bicep in a not so gentle grip. My brain couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Sawyer was gay? How did I not know?

I kept my eyes glued to them. It was not a sweet makeout session in the dark. It was rough and passionate. As I wrapped my mind around it all, the more pissed off I got. The way they held each other. Sawyer’s sole focus on the man before him. Something I wanted. Not that I could explain why.

Of course we had things away from our time together. I had my job at the law firm. He had Jaded Ivory. But every other moment we spent together. Almost like the last few years had never happened. Something about the way they held each other made me want to drag Sawyer away from him.

Fuck.

I was jealous.

Jealous of a man I never met. A man who was kissing my best friend. Of being left in the dark.

When Sawyer hadn’t heard the elevator at first, I froze in my tracks. My tongue was tied in knots. Once I regained control, I couldn’t help but lose my shit on him. He’d lied to me. I almost didn’t come when he asked me to meet him at his place. The longer I drove and visions of what could have happened between them had I not interrupted ran through my head, my anger grew. By the time I pulled up in front of his house, blood roared through my ears.

I let my anger and jealousy, something I wasn’t ready to think about, get the better of me. There were two choices. I could go home knowing this was my choice to walk away or I could get my ass in the house and talk to him. I reached for the keys to turn the engine over and yanked them out instead. There was no question. I wouldn’t lose Sawyer over this.

Both of his and Heath’s cars were parked out front. Not that Heath being home would stop me. I walked up to the door and knocked, afraid to wake up whoever might be sleeping. It might kill me, but if no one answered, I’d wait until morning.

“’ome in,” Sawyer’s voice groggily called through the door.

Shit. I hadn’t wanted to wake him. I pushed the door open and realized I didn’t wake him. Sawyer sat on the couch with an open bottle of tequila on the table next to him. God, I was an asshole. I never thought Sawyer would touch tequila again after that night. Yet, there he sat completely shit-faced.

And it was my fault.

He cracked one eye open. “What are you doing here?”

His words were slurred, but that didn’t stop him from picking up the bottle and bringing it back to his lips.

“I came to talk. How much have you had to drink?”

He let the bottle drop back onto the table. “Talk? Talk about what?” He pushed himself off the couch. “How much you hate me?”

Sawyer stepped toward me and stumbled. Before he could hit the ground, I rushed forward and wrapped my arms around his waist, hauling him to standing. I held him there, afraid he might fall again. His eyes connected with mine.

“I could never hate you.”

Sawyer’s eyes dropped to my lips. His words from earlier replayed in my head. I wanted something I couldn’t have. I’d been too pissed off to realize what he’d been saying. The words died in my throat as I watched him. Everything was happening in slow motion. I knew what was coming, but I was powerless to stop it. And truthfully, I didn’t want to stop it.

Sawyer’s lips covered mine. And an electric jolt ran through me. I expected it to feel weird, another man’s lips on mine, but this was Sawyer. The man I’d rather spend time with over anyone else. And it didn’t. His lips were softer than I expected. But he was drunk. I knew I should stop him. I didn’t want him to blame himself in the morning for what happened.

I lifted my hands to his biceps to move him backward. Instead, I pulled him closer to me. His tongue grazed over my bottom lip. My head was spinning. Without a thought, I moved my hand to fist in the back of his hair and opened my mouth, letting him inside. A fog filled my head. There was only me and him. The rough scratch of his scruff made me hold him tighter to me. Our tongues twisted and twirled around each other. I could taste the tequila on his lips.

Suddenly, my back hit the wall. I was so lost, I hadn’t even realized he moved me. He lifted his head and cupped my face with his hands. For the briefest of moments, I thought he was going to walk away and disappointment burned through me. Then he tilted his head and came back in. The fire began again. I held him tight, letting my tongue tangle with his once more. His hips thrust forward, his hard cock sliding against mine, and I groaned. My dick was hard too, and oh fuck, it felt good sliding against his. Confusion started to seep in, but I pushed it away. I’d figure out what it all meant later. Right then, I wanted to live in the moment.

When Sawyer pulled back again, we were both panting. His eyes were hooded. I couldn’t stop my eyes from dropping to see the outline of his dick behind his pants. He ran a hand over his face, swaying on his feet.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

I watched him stumble backward, barely making it to the couch. He dropped down and leaned his head back, closing his eyes. And I was frozen to the spot. I didn’t know what to do or say. My head was a mess. I forced my feet to move forward. I wouldn’t let him feet guilty over what happened. I was the sober one. I could have stopped it.

My hands shook as I walked toward that couch. I had no idea what to say to him, but I had to say something. I stood in front of him. “Sawyer, look at me.” When he didn’t respond, I shook him, only to watch his head loll to the side.

Fucker had passed out on me.

Rolling my eyes, I bent at the waist and threw him over my shoulder in a fireman’s carry. Maybe it was the chicken shit way out, but a part of me was relieved we didn’t have to talk about any of this until morning. It gave me a chance to figure out what the hell just happened and why even just carrying him to his room made me think about doing kissing him again. Covers bunched at the bottom of the bed where he’d kicked them off this morning. Some things never changed. The man was still a slob. I laid him on the bed and pulled the covers up over him. There would be one hell of a hangover in the morning.

Afraid he’d puke in the middle of the night, I grabbed the trash can from the other side of his room and set it next to the bed. In his condition, there was no way he was making it to the bathroom. He moved his hand to his chest and for the first time I noticed the swelling around his knuckles. Shit. Best guess, he’d hit something. His hands were his life. There were small cuts at the edges. It didn’t look broken. At least I hoped like hell it wasn’t.

The wall between us just kept getting higher. Was it worth the climb?

With everything taken care of, I stood in the middle of the dark room, wondering what to do with myself. Home wasn’t far. I could come back in the morning. A part of me feared if I went home, I’d avoid dealing with it all and only cause Sawyer more pain.

Fuck it.

It wouldn’t be the first time I slept next to him. We’d done it a hundred times as kids. I toed off my shoes and lay down on top of the covers. No need to give him the wrong idea when he woke up. Then again, what was the wrong idea? I kissed him back tonight. His tongue was in my mouth and I got hard. Painfully hard. Just thinking about it made me reach down and adjust my growing erection. The craziest part? I wasn’t freaking out about it. Not yet, anyway.

What the hell was going on in my head?

I stared into the darkness. The light from the street lamp cast shadows through the blinds. There were frames on the dresser and a drum kit in the corner. I had no doubt if I looked around the floor I’d find at least five or more sets of drumsticks lying around.

Sawyer grunted in his sleep. My attention was immediately drawn back to the man next to me. Not once in my entire life had I noticed another man. But I’d noticed Sawyer over the last few months. Little things here and there I’d brushed off as being happy to spend time with him again. Apparently that wasn’t the case.

And never had I had the desire to stick my tongue down a guy’s throat. Then again it was Sawyer, and I guaranteed if he were awake, I’d want to do it again. His lean muscles outlined by the white sheet and I thought about the way he boxed me against the wall. No woman would have the size or strength to do that. For some reason, that thought alone made me harder than anything.

I liked kissing a guy.

I liked his hard body against mine.

I liked kissing Sawyer.

Maybe all of it had to do with seeing Sawyer with that other guy. Whatever it was, I had to know why. Questions ran through my head over and over throughout the night. Sleep was a pipe dream at that point. With so many thoughts and feelings I didn’t understand, I knew the only way I’d figure out an answer was with Sawyer. I had to know the reason. It didn’t matter that I needed sleep for my meeting, but at the same rate I doubted I’d be there the next day. I’d deal with that later. For once, work didn’t seem all that important.

Every time Sawyer moved or made a noise, my whole body reacted to the sound. I held my hands tightly to my side to keep from reaching over and touching him again. If Sawyer wanted to discover this with me, he needed to have a clear head. The night passed slowly. More light began to filter through the blinds and I waited.

“Shit,” Sawyer groaned from the other side of the bed.

Time to figure out what last night meant.