CHAPTER 3

Reagan

 

I watched Sawyer as he continued to sign item after item. The moment I found out about this meet and greet I bought tickets. It wouldn’t have mattered to me how much the tickets cost. I was going to be here. For years I wondered what had happened to Sawyer. We’d always planned on going to different schools, but I never expected the night before we left for college to be the last time I saw him. I’d counted on texts, Skype, and holidays to get us through to the next summer.

Except, one night he was there and the next he was gone. The only thing I knew was the name of his college. Nothing about what dorm he was staying in or who his roommate might be. Otherwise I would have hunted his ass down and demanded an explanation. He’d disconnected all his social media and changed his number. Sawyer basically disappeared off the face of the earth and I had no way to find him. His parents wouldn’t give me a single hint about where I could find him either.

It amazed me how, after all this time, I still needed to know why he walked away. Our friendship had survived the four years of high school where our interests pulled us in different directions. I had to know why it never got a chance to survive college.

I watched as woman after woman practically threw themselves at him, trying to get him to notice them. Nothing had changed since we were in high school. Every girl in our class wanted to snag Sawyer, but none of them ever did. Something about this rubbed me the wrong way. The entire time, he kept that fake ass smile on his face. Knowing I was the only one in the room to get a real smile left a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. The same one he had whenever he wanted to be somewhere other than where he was. I had a feeling my being there didn’t help the situation, but that was tough shit. He was the one who walked away without a word. For the longest time I wondered what I’d done to push my best friend away. At some point I gave up trying to reason it out and hoped one day I’d get my chance to get some answers.

Another guy stepped into the room a little bit later, and after talking to Sawyer, began to clear the room. Honestly, I was surprised when I wasn’t asked to leave. The bitter part of me figured it wouldn’t be a shock if he used some other guy to give me the boot. Once the room was empty besides me and the members of the band, I walked over to the table to give Sawyer a quick reminder that I was still waiting. He promised he’d be back and disappeared through another door, following the lead singer of Jaded Ivory. She was tiny, with shoulder-length, curly blond hair. I thought her name was Mari, but it wasn’t like I paid a lot of attention to anyone else in the band once I realized who sat behind the drums. Sawyer’s playing style was distinct. It would have been hard to miss the first time I saw them play.

Seconds then minutes passed and a part of me started to wonder if Sawyer had gone out another door to avoid me. He knew I’d want an explanation for the way he disappeared. The Sawyer I knew wouldn’t run from the consequences of his decisions. Then again, he’d run from something when he left. The door opened and relief drew the tension from my shoulders when I saw his brown, shaggy head step through. He shut the door behind him, keeping his back to me longer than necessary. It wasn’t until he finally turned around that I noticed the stiff set of his shoulders, the way he kept his hands shoved into the front pockets of his jeans.

Time hadn’t changed Sawyer much. The gauges in his ears had gotten larger and I could see ink peeking beneath the sleeve of his shirt. Besides music, it looked as if he’d gotten some time in the gym. His arms and chest were bigger than I remember them, but the longer hair and inquisitive green eyes, which were currently focused somewhere over my shoulder, hadn’t changed a bit.

“Anywhere specific you wanted to go?” he asked, still standing across the room. He lifted his hand to run it through his hair and I couldn’t help but notice the way his hand shook.

Maybe more had changed than I originally thought. Sawyer wasn’t usually nervous. He’d always faced every challenge head-on. Not that I really knew him anymore. An invisible barrier had been resurrected between us. A wall I hadn’t built and had no idea how to tear it down.

“Doesn’t matter to me. I can drive if you want, though.”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “Yeah, that works. Heath drove us here tonight. There’s a sports bar down the street.”

“McGillian’s?”

“That’s the one.”

“I know the place.” I gestured over my shoulder. “My car’s parked out front in the lot. Are you good to go out that way?”

“The crowd should be gone by now.” Sawyer reached for his back pocket but shook his head, shoving his hand into his front pocket. At least one thing hadn’t changed. Sawyer had a habit of twirling his drumsticks in his hand. He walked forward and grabbed the handle of the other door. “Let’s go.”

I followed him into the hall and wondered for the millionth time what I was doing. Did he plan to spend the whole night saying as little as possible? I wanted answers, except with the way the conversation had gone so far it didn’t seem I’d get them.

This was a man I spent every single day with since the time I was seven. He knew all my secrets. From the first time I got drunk and puked to the time I lost my virginity to Bridget Wilson sophomore year. He knew it all. A few years shouldn’t make a difference. Yet, there we’d stood and it was like he didn’t know how to talk to me.

Once we stepped out into the cool night, I pointed to the left side of the lot. “My car’s this way.”

I led the way, unlocking it and climbing in as Sawyer shut the door behind him and fastened his belt. He glanced around the car and chuckled.

“Guess your need to be a neat freak hasn’t changed in all these years?”

While I knew he was trying to break the ice with a joke, the comment rubbed me the wrong way. The reality was we didn’t know each other anymore. And I blamed him for that. He was the one who disappeared without a word, leaving us both in this completely uncomfortable situation. Something I planned to push aside. If anyone should feel uncomfortable it was Sawyer. He’d made a decision that affected us both. The least he could have done was say goodbye. The lack of explanation would have made me crazy, but I would have known when I woke up the next morning not to run around trying to find out what had happened to him.

“Guess not.” I tried to shrug it off. Not that it worked. The more I thought about the day he disappeared, the more my muscles tensed.

“Reagan…” Sawyer started.

“Let’s wait till we get to the bar. I think we both have a lot to say to each other and I’d rather not do it while driving down the road.”

Out of the corner of my eye I could see him fidget in his seat.

“Fair enough.”

The tension filled every available space in the car, almost choking me under its weight. I wanted to take back my words and demand answers. More than that, I wanted to see the look in his eyes when he answered me.

The rest of the drive was silent. Not even the low sound of the radio penetrated my senses. The man next to me held my whole focus, which made me glad when I pulled up to a metered spot along the curb. Sawyer practically leapt from the car. Not that I could blame him. It seemed we both needed a second to breathe.

I watched as Sawyer walked inside without looking back and dropped my head onto the steering wheel. What the hell am I doing? Why do I need these answers so bad? Things had been going so well in my life. I’d finished my undergrad with honors and was accepted to one of the most prestigious law schools in the country. And after once again graduating at the top of my class, I’d been hired at one of the most highly respected law firms in the city. One little song on a radio station led me down this rabbit hole. Who knew when I went to download the song I’d find Sawyer’s face staring back at me. Yet, there I sat in my car, hiding from my closest friend from childhood, while he sat inside the bar.

What was the big deal?

The big deal was the moment I realized Sawyer’s dream had come true and I’d seen him play, acid ate at my insides. I wondered what had made him walk away from our friendship. What had I done? I may have been the jock while he called himself the band geek, even if he played his own sports, but it had never gotten in our way before. I would’ve cheered him on, like he’d done for me so many times.

It was fucking ridiculous. We were both grown adults. All I could do was say my piece and let him say his. No reason we couldn’t sit down to hash out the problem and move on. Whether that was as friends or acquaintances living in the same city. Either way, after tonight I’d put all the questions behind me.

With my new resolve, I climbed from the car and dropped some change in the meter before heading inside. The place was crowded, people standing back to back. Hell, I was lucky to have found the spot out front considering the number of people inside. Then again, luck always seemed to be on my side when Sawyer was around. The dim lighting made it difficult to see where he’d gone. I moved farther into the room, scanning the tables, hoping he realized this was not a conversation I wanted to have sitting at the bar with an audience. I craned my neck to the left and found him seated at one of the booths in the back, facing the door.

When our eyes locked, he quickly looked down at the paper on the table. Did he think he could hide behind a menu? Slowly, I made my way through the crowd and dropped into the seat across from him. He glanced up for a brief second before moving his eyes back down. He had the beer menu out. Good. I needed a drink.

I reached for the other menu sitting behind the napkin holder. If I could have kept a straight head, I would’ve ordered a double shot or two of tequila. Knowing my tolerance for the shit over the last few years, I knew I wouldn’t. A beer would have to do to calm my nerves. I found one I liked and shoved the menu to the side. Sawyer scanned the menu as if he’d never seen the choices. When he made no effort to look at me again, I decided enough was enough.

“Find what you want?”

His head snapped up. A hint of color stained his cheeks. Guess he figured out his ruse wasn’t working. It was time to face the music. “Um…yeah.”

He pushed the menu aside, thumbing its corner. Silence descended over the booth. Ironic considering the noise level in the bar. It was like we were an old married couple who’d run out of things to talk about. There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but I knew he had to be the one who started the conversation. I’d taken the first step by showing up tonight, now it was his turn.

“Reagan…” he began again like in the car.

“Hey.” A sweet voice came from beside me.

The interruption annoyed the hell out of me, but I couldn’t fault the poor girl for doing her job. I glanced up to see a petite brunette standing at the end of the table. Fuck. She was gorgeous. Caramel-colored eyes focused directly on me. I couldn’t help the way my eyes followed her jawline down to where the neckline of her shirt was ripped to reveal more of the creamy skin beneath. She pulled two coasters from her apron. “What can I get you guys?”

I flashed her a smile. “Heineken.”

Her cheeks pinkened as she smiled back. She turned to him. “Got it. And you?”

He didn’t bother looking over, his focus locked on me. The way his eyes watched me made me shift in my seat. Something was there, except I couldn’t place it. Then again, I hadn’t seen him in so long, I could just be imagining things.

“Guinness.”

The waitress moved her gaze between us. When she looked back at me, I could see an uncomfortable smile cross her lips, like she didn’t know what she’d walked in on. She wasn’t the only one. That look had me confused as hell.

She tucked the pen and pad back into her apron. “I’ll be right back with those drinks.”

Apparently, whatever Sawyer had to say made it impossible to even try and put on a friendly face. Although, I’d watched him do it for hours tonight. I could only imagine the toll that would take on someone. It had to be exhausting to be happy and enthusiastic for hours at a time. Constantly being in the spotlight.

Silence fell over the table again. I forced my ass harder into the vinyl seat to keep from getting up and shouting to break it. I kept my eyes glued to his, waiting for the moment he’d explain everything. His thumb and forefinger tapped out a beat on the table, something I was pretty sure he wasn’t aware of doing. A part of me wanted to do something to calm his nerves, except he put himself in this situation and he’d have to dig out of it himself.

He chuckled humorlessly and I narrowed my eyes at him. “Why the hell are you laughing?”

A sigh left his lips. “I find it completely ironic that after being friends for most of our lives, I have no idea what to say to you.”

I wanted to yell ‘tell me why you left,’ but the words stuck in my throat and I bit the inside of my cheek hard enough to draw blood. Instead, I waited.

He picked the spoon up from the table and began twirling it around. His gaze roved over me once again and a tingle started at the base of my neck. “Honestly, I don’t think much about you has changed in all these years, and I can guess you want to know why I left. And I don’t know how to explain it.”

Apparently the years had made Sawyer less straightforward. My hand clenched and unclenched as I tried to control my annoyance. “How ’bout the beginning?”