CHAPTER 2

Sawyer

 

It seemed as if we’d been sitting at the meet and greet forever. I honestly never thought that many people would show up, but the excitement of it all was weaning the longer we stayed, the exhaustion from the last week of no sleep slowly taking its toll. By the time we’d gotten back from breakfast, Heath was home and all hope for sleep went down the drain. I handed back the poster with a forced smile, hoping the fan in front of me didn’t notice. My eyes landed on the poster in the next person’s hand. Without bothering to look up, which I knew made me an asshole, I kept the smile plastered on my face as I took the poster and began signing my name.

“The least I could get is a real smile.”

Shit.

My first thought was that I’d been caught faking it, when the words played over and over in my head. I know that voice. Afraid to have my suspicions confirmed, I lifted my head slowly to meet green eyes I never thought I’d see again. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing would come out. It was as if my tongue was tied in knots, not to mention that my brain wasn’t firing correctly. I just sat and stared.

Reagan.

Of course the man was as sexy as ever. The T-shirt stretching across his chest to pull tight on the well-defined muscles of his biceps. The clean-shaven face of my memories was no more, a slight five o’clock shadow in its place. I swallowed hard, trying to push down the nerves at seeing him again. It’d been almost seven years since I’d left Reagan at home. The day I parked my car down the street from his house, I sat there for hours mustering up the nerves to tell him the secret I’d kept from him for years, only to drive away long after midnight without ever having knocked on his door.

Now, he stood before me, watching me, waiting for some type of reaction, that I apparently was almost incapable of giving. But this man had been my best friend since we were seven years old. There was no reason I couldn’t talk to him. Eleven years was a lot of time to throw away.

“What are you doing here?”

One brow quirked up. “Friends eleven years and that’s the best opening line you can give me? I was hoping for something more along the lines of hi, how have you been?”

I shook my head. “Sorry about that. You took me by surprise, is all. Hi, how are you?”

The corner of his lip turned up in a smile so familiar, a bit of the tension left my shoulders. “That’s better, but I don’t mind answering your question first. I went to law school at Hayward. Got a job in the city and saw you’d be doing a meet and greet in the area. Figured I’d come and see you.”

“A lawyer?”

“Yeah, one more—” The sound of a throat clearing came from behind me. Reagan looked over his shoulder and back at me. “Sorry, I don’t mean to hold up the line.”

“Don’t worry about it.” I noticed the line behind him getting longer. That was the thing about sitting directly to the left of Mari. The people usually got their stuff signed by her, then jumped in your line.

“I’d really like to catch up. Think we could meet up for a drink after you’re done?”

My head screamed at me to come up with some kind of excuse why I couldn’t meet him, but my dick, which had perked up at the sight of him, and my heart were leading the charge. I’d been in love with Reagan since I was sixteen years old. Now with him standing there in front of me, I knew if given the chance I would be again. My dick was half hard with him simply being in the room. Somehow I knew sitting down with him, even for only one drink, was going to screw with my head. Always a glutton for punishment, I nodded. “Yeah, that would be good. We have another half an hour, if you don’t mind waiting.”

“Not at all.” He threw his thumb over his shoulder. “I’ll let you get back to it.”

“I won’t be long.”

“Take your time. I can wait.”

I knew his words had their own double meaning. He’d had to wait for seven years for a chance to talk. There was no doubt in my mind he’d want to know why I’d disappeared without a word all those years ago. I knew he’d checked in with my parents more than once over the years, and it had to be frustrating for him when they wouldn’t give him any hint of where I went. Before I’d left I told my parents I was gay, completely prepared for them to kick me out. What I hadn’t expected was for them to tell me they loved me no matter what and promised to keep my secret.

I pasted a smile on my face, more than aware that Reagan watched me from the other side of the room. My stomach clenched into knots, getting tighter and tighter as time ticked away on the clock. Each signature meant another minute closer to sitting down with Reagan. And I had no idea what to tell him. Besides my parents, three other people knew the truth and it wasn’t the whole band. Was I ready to tell Reagan? Was he ready for the entire truth? Something told me the answer was no.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mari watching me. Besides Reagan, she could read me better than anyone else. She’d be able to see the fake smile on my face. No doubt in my mind, she’d pull me aside later and demand answers.

As I got closer to the end of my line, my heart pounded so hard in my chest, I wondered if everyone in the room could hear each beat. Tom, our manager from the label, stepped into the room, probably getting ready to escort out the last few people. Before he had a chance to say anything, I waved him over. He bent down close to keep the fans from hearing what he had to say.

“What’s up, Sawyer? Ready to call it a night?”

“More than you know,” I whispered. “Look, see that guy leaning against the wall?”

Tom glanced over his shoulder and nodded. “What about him?”

“He’s a friend of mine. Let him wait here while we get packed up?”

“Sure. Not a problem. I’ll work on getting everyone else out of here. I imagine you guys need a break before tomorrow.”

A part of me wanted to scream no, tell him to keep letting people in. Anything to avoid a moment I’d dreaded since the moment I left. Seeing Reagan again was already beginning to wreak havoc on me. I knew I’d have to build one giant ass wall around my heart if I was going to keep it safe. Whether I liked it or not, I needed it to be that way. Jaded Ivory was working its way up the charts and I wouldn’t let my personal life get in the way of that.

Tom started to clear the room and I stood, stretching my legs for the first time in hours. Reagan came over to the table, twirling his cell phone in his hand.

“Ready?”

“Give me a minute. I need to grab my stuff. I’ll be right back.”

Reagan nodded. “I’ll wait here.”

I moved through the door on the other side of the room, only to run directly into Mari. Time for round one of questions.

“I thought you said you didn’t have your eyes on anyone. Who’s that guy? You’ve been sitting there for the last half an hour with a fake smile plastered across your face.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “Well, are you gonna answer me?”

I mimicked her stance. “Maybe if you take a breath long enough for me to answer.”

She rolled her eyes and made a go ahead gesture with her hand.

I glanced around, making sure no one was within earshot. When I was sure we were alone, I moved my gaze back to hers. “I don’t have my eyes on anyone. That’s Reagan.”

“Reagan?”

I didn’t say anything, just waited for the light to go off. It only took a few seconds for her jaw to go slack and her eyes to widen.

“That’s Reagan?” she whispered when she managed to get her voice back.

I dropped my arms by my sides and sighed. “That’s him.”

“What’s he doing here? How did he find you?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. I’m sure he saw our poster somewhere. It’s not like we could keep a low profile forever.”

“Oh my God.” She rubbed her temple with her fingers. “Are you okay with him being here?”

“I don’t know that either.”

“What are you going to tell him?”

It was like freaking twenty questions and I didn’t have an answer to a single one. “I have no idea. I’m not sure what to say in front of him.”

Mari took the pendant on her necklace between her fingers, moving it back and forth around her neck, her eyes pointed toward the ceiling. I knew it meant she was thinking of what would be the right answer. Suddenly, she stopped and brought her gaze back to mine. “I think you need to tell him the truth.”

I ran a hand through my hair, pacing the small hallway in an attempt to burn off the nervous energy flowing through me. “Yeah, I’m sure that’ll sound great. Hi, Reagan. Yeah, I left because I’m gay and have been in love with you since we were sixteen, but you’re into girls. Not sure that’s gonna work.”

Mari stepped in front of me, stopping me in my tracks. “You know that’s not what I mean.” She’d been my best friend since we met in college seven years ago. Right around the time I’d walked away from Reagan. I was looking for someone to replace that easy camaraderie I had with Reagan. Mari was closed off and I made it my mission to get her to open up. It helped us both. Mari came out of her shell and became the person I knew she could be. For me it was the perfect distraction from what I left behind.

I scoffed. “I’d like to avoid the subject altogether.”

“I’m not sure that’s really possible at this point.”

“I know. But how the hell do I tell him that?”

“Just like you told me. Be honest.”

“It’s different with him.”

Mari gripped my shoulders and shook her head. “It’s only different if you make it different.”

Deep down I knew she was right. My reaction to the way I told him was the only thing that would make it different. When all was said and done, I was more afraid of his reaction. “And what if he can’t handle who I am?”

Mari moved her arms up and around my neck, pulling me tight to her. “Then he’s not the man you thought he was and isn’t worth your time,” she whispered in my ear.

My heart rate slowed and I could pull in a full breath. I held her tighter and placed a brief kiss on her head. “Thank you. That was exactly what I needed to hear.”

She leaned back, a smirk lifting the corner of her lips. “I know. It’s my turn to hold you up. You’ve been doing it for me for years.”

“Love you, Mari. Not sure what I would have done without you all these years.”

“Love you, too. I think it’s the other way around, though, but we can worry about it later. Right now, I think Reagan has waited long enough.”

I stepped back out of her embrace and nodded. “I think you’re right.”

I backed toward the door when Mari called out, “Text me later.”

“Don’t worry. I’m sure they’ll be plenty to tell.”

I turned on my heel and went to face the secrets of the past. Hopefully, they weren’t too big to keep me buried under them.