CHAPTER 5

Sawyer

 

Hours passed by in a blur as we caught up on the last few years. He’d been much more serious in college than I’d expected. Maybe it was being all alone at a new school or maturity. Who knew? Deep down, I had a pretty good feeling it was my fault. Not that it was a bad thing. Reagan had managed to get on the dean’s list and eventually accepted to one of the most prestigious law schools in the country. He graduated with honors and became an associate at his firm two years ago.

The crowd in the bar had begun to thin out when Reagan glanced down at his phone. “Shit. I have an early meeting tomorrow.”

He shoved his hand into his front pocket, pulling out enough cash to cover the beers. I rolled my eyes and followed suit, throwing down an extra twenty and giving one of his back.

“You don’t have to get my beer.”

“I’m the one who dragged you out for a drink.”

I waved his twenty at him. “And I’m the one who owes you one.”

He eyed me up and down, snatching the money out of my hand. “Fair enough.”

“Now tell me where you live and I’ll drive us home.”

I gave him the address and followed him out of the bar, hoping we could hang out again. And before I could stop myself, the words were out of my mouth.

“We’re playing at the Pinnacle Arena tomorrow night. It’s down near the harbor.”

“I know where it is. I’ve been here for four years.”

And just like that, the joking banter seemed to come to a halt. Another reminder of how close, yet how far we’d been from one another. The walk to his car was silent as I tried to think of the right thing to say. It seemed as if I was constantly stepping in it when it came to Reagan. Always saying the wrong thing. We climbed in, but before he had a chance to start the car, I turned to face him.

“You know I didn’t know where you were once you graduated, right?”

“You knew my number and never used it.” He started the car without looking at me and pulled away from the curb.

I ran a hand down my face and around the back of my neck. “Honestly, I didn’t know if you’d want to talk to me after all this time.”

He slowed down and turned onto a side street. After putting the car in park, he leaned his head back against the seat. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. I may not like what you did, but I get it. Doesn’t make it easy to forget all the times I wondered what I did to ruin our friendship.”

“It wasn’t—”

He held his hand up to stop me. “I know that now. It’s just gonna take time for that to not be my first reaction. So I’m apologizing now.”

I shook my head. “You don’t need to apologize to me. I’m the one who caused this mess.”

“And you’ve already apologized. We’ll figure it out.”

I couldn’t stop the way my heart stuttered in my chest at the we’ll. If only he knew how much more that actually meant to me. My need for him hadn’t faded or died after all these years. In fact, seeing him again seemed to spark it back to life. I forced myself to breathe. “We will.”

The corner of his mouth curved into the half smile that had always caught my attention. Cocky, yet self-assured. That one smile said everything that drew me to Reagan in the first place. Thankfully, I kept myself under control and gave him a slight shove to the shoulder.

“All right, now take me home. You have work in the morning.”

He scoffed. “Yeah, like I never pulled an all-nighter before. It’s not my fault you need your beauty sleep. I’m fucking hot whether I’m tired or not.”

Oh, fuck me. He had no idea about the truth to that statement. Damn, if I wasn’t careful, I’d be in big trouble with him and his mouth.

I rolled my eyes. “You’re still a conceited bastard, I see.”

A full belly laugh burst from him. He put the car in drive and made a quick U-turn back onto the main road. “I’m just honest to a fault.”

That had me laughing. “Yeah, so I guess you’ve always been honest. I’m pretty sure I can think of a few situations where that’s definitely not true.”

“Really?” he challenged. “Like what?”

“Senior prank.”

Reagan had convinced a bunch of guys in our senior class to collect all the lawn gnomes from houses in town and ‘plant’ them all over the front yard of the school. When the press showed up to take pictures, one of the guys accidentally gave up Reagan as the man with the plan. The reporter asked him about where he got the idea to take lawn gnomes. Reagan looked the reporter right in the eye and said he couldn’t imagine why the reporter had asked him that question. As a law-abiding citizen he would never consider stealing from anyone and was insulted that the reporter thought he would. Needless to say, he left the reporter staring at him mouth agape. The next day the headline read, “High School Seniors Falsely Accused of Stealing Garden Gnomes.” He’d also gone as far as setting up a group to return the gnomes to their rightful owners.

The streetlights illuminated the rapid shaking of his head. “Nope. Doesn’t count.”

“And why doesn’t it count?”

“’Cause I say so.”

I chuckled. “Yeah, I’m not sure that’s going to work out so well for you when you try to use that in court someday.”

He shrugged. “Maybe not, but it’s always worth a try.” He glanced over and winked at me.

The front light illuminated the drive as we pulled up to the curb. We sat in silence for a few moments. There was still an awkwardness that stayed with us from the bar, but it was nothing compared to the silence when we first arrived there. Knowing we couldn’t sit there all night, I turned to Reagan.

“You’ll come tomorrow, night?”

“I’ll be there. I’ve waited a long time to see you play in person again.”

The simple comment made me think with a little work we’d be able to repair the friendship I’d broken. At least until he found out the whole truth. I opened my bookbag and took out the lanyard with a small badge attached and handed it to Reagan.

“When you get to the arena, use this to get into the back lot and through the VIP entrance. I’ll let them know you’re coming and have someone show you to my dressing room.”

Our fingers brushed against one another as he took the badge from my hand. I did everything in my power to suppress the shiver that wanted to race down my spine.

“I have a client meeting at four, but I’ll come over sometime later.”

“I’m glad you’re coming and I’m glad you came to see me tonight.” I reached for the door handle, stopping when Reagan said my name. “Yeah?” I glanced over my shoulder at him.

“I’m glad I showed up tonight, too. I can’t wait to see you play again.”

I stepped out of the car and leaned in to grab my bag. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I waited until Reagan pulled away from the curb to turn and go inside. The fact that a light was on in the living room meant someone was waiting up with twenty questions. I stopped at the door, not sure I felt like dealing with it all. My hand froze on the knob, knowing there was nothing I could do to stop the train after it already left the station. The person waiting for me wanted answers. And since there were only two people who knew about Reagan, the choice for who might be sitting inside was up in the air.

With a sigh, I turned the handle and pushed the door open.

“About time,” Mari said.

There to my left sat Mari and Heath. Fuck. That combo was the last thing I needed. Like a shark who smelled blood in the water. I dropped my bag by the door, knowing there was no way I’d get down the hall to my room anytime soon.

Mari sat forward on the couch, her hands practically folded in her lap like a schoolgirl. The shrewd set of her features said she was anything but that.

“So how’d it go?”

If only she planned to leave it at that.

“Fine. We caught up.”

A small growl left Mari’s throat and Heath laughed at the sound. I knew better. She was pissed that I’d been intentionally coy. I had no doubt about what she really wanted to ask, except I had no intention of telling her. Not that she’d approve of my answer to the question.

“What did you talk about?”

I shrugged. “The band. Him becoming a lawyer. College.”

She lifted her hand and pointed a finger at me. A clear sign that I was getting closer to pushing her over the edge into a freak-out. I had two choices. Tread carefully and give her the information she really wanted or continue to be very literal about her questions. Technically, I had. Reagan and I never actually talked about me being gay.

“Sawyer Alason, don’t you dare play dumb with me,” she snapped.

“Come on, man. You know very well what we both want to know. Spill it.”

I dropped into the chair next to me, resting my head along the back. “You don’t want to know the truth.”

Mari leapt from the seat like her ass was on fire and stormed over to stand in front of me. “You didn’t tell him?”

The way she shouted, I couldn’t tell whether it had been a statement or a question. Either way, I could see the flush as it crawled up her neck. I ran a hand down my face at the angry angel standing above me.

“No, I didn’t tell him.”

She threw her hands up in the air and spun on her heel to face Heath. “Do you believe this shit? He really didn’t tell him anything.” Faster than I could blink, she was back to facing me, hands on her hips, nostrils flaring. “Why wouldn’t you tell him?”

I glanced up at her. “How about you sit down and we’ll talk about this?”

The hands at her sides moved up to cross over her chest. “I don’t want to sit down.”

I peered at Heath around Mari’s side, silently asking him for help. Apparently, he got the message. He wrapped his arms around her waist and hauled her back to the couch. She flailed, fighting him the whole way.

“Dude.” He shook his head at her. “I have a whole new respect for Cole.”

“Oh, really?”

He didn’t say anything, simply lifting his brows in challenge. “Oompf.” He let her go and wrapped his arms around his middle. Mari had elbowed him in the stomach.

She waved her hand at me to continue. Thankfully, she hadn’t gotten out of her seat. “You wanted me to sit. I’m seated. Now talk.”

I cleared my throat, trying to figure out a way to explain this without getting her all fired up again. I knew she was only looking out for my best interests. She wanted me to be happy. The problem was I knew there wouldn’t be a happily ever after in this situation. I would always be gay and Reagan would always be straight. Not a whole lot could change that. What did either of us gain by trying to force him in a box he didn’t belong in?

“You’re right. I didn’t tell him.”

She opened her mouth to start listing all the reasons I should have told him, but I put up a hand to stop her. Surprisingly enough, it worked.

“There’s no point in telling him. Neither of us gets a damn thing out of it.”

“Maybe the two of you—”

“No,” I said adamantly. “This is not a situation where things will work themselves out. Me telling Reagan only leads him to finding out he’s the reason I left in the first place and destroys whatever friendship we can salvage from here. I don’t need him to feel any pity for me, like I know he would. And I sure as shit don’t need to live with the guilt of ruining our friendship again. After tonight I know I still want him and could probably fall in love with him again. The only thing that’s going to fix it is finding the guy who’s meant for me.”

“Damn,” Heath breathed. “I’m sorry, man. That really does suck.”

“Explains a lot about why I left and why I’ve avoided this moment for so long.”

Mari sat still on the couch, not even a peep leaving her lips. It wasn’t often I couldn’t tell what Mari was thinking, except right now was one of those times. Heath and I both watched her until she eventually stood and walked over to me. Like always, she sat on my lap, her eyes focused in on mine.

“I’ve been sitting there trying to figure out a way to fix this for you. Then I realized it’s not something I can fix. You may not agree with it, but you need to tell him.”

I started to shake my head and this time it was her turn to stop me with a hand.

“I let you talk, now let me finish before you go arguing all my points.”

I dipped my head in her direction.

“No one is saying you have to tell him you were in love with him and that’s why you left. The only way he figures that out is if you tell him. Neither of us is going to be the one to give him that information. Now, give me the real reason.”

She always knew how to see right through some of my shit. I looked over her shoulder at a photo on the wall, not wanting her to see the sadness in my eyes when I said it.

“I don’t want him to hate who I am and walk away. I think it might break me this time.”

Mari wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me close. “The guy I met earlier, the one who waited for you, is not the type of man to stick around to talk to you then run at the smallest bump in the road. I think you need to give him more credit than you are.”

“I wish it were that simple,” I whispered.

“I have to say, I agree with Mari,” Heath said from the other side of the room. “You need to tell him before someone else finds out and exposes your ass. Then, I believe he’d walk away from you. Not for being gay, but for hiding it from him for all these years.”

I let out a breath. “I’m just not ready to go down that road. Not until I know for sure what his reaction will be.”

Mari scrunched up her nose at that idea. “And how do you plan to figure that out?”

“I’ve known him since I was seven years old. I’ll figure it out.”

Mari sighed and stood from my lap. She pressed a hand to my cheek. “You deserve to find someone to love and who will love you in return. I get that’s not Reagan, but if you want a true friendship with him, you need to be honest. It’s bad enough Jackson and Monty are still in the dark. Reagan needs to know.”

I lifted my hand and held hers against my cheek. “I know. Just not today.”

She leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “I promise, I’ll find a way to convince you I’m right. Now go get some sleep. You’ve been running yourself ragged for weeks.”

“I’ll try.”

She stood and turned to face Heath. “No more song writing for him.” She grabbed her keys on the way to the door. “I know he’s going to try. Kick his ass to bed if you have to.”

Heath nodded then glanced over at me with one brow lifted. “He’s going right to bed after you leave.”

She scoffed. “Bullshit. I know you plan on talking more when I leave. Not too long, though. I doubt Sawyer has had more than ten hours of sleep this whole week.”

“I won’t work,” I promised. It actually had nothing to do with Mari telling me to go to bed. I had a lot to think about and finishing the song was nowhere near the front of my mind.

She eyed me for a moment before nodding and opening the door. “I’ll see you guys at the studio tomorrow.”

“Tell Cole we said hi,” Heath called out to her.

“I will. Night.”

The door shut behind her and Heath immediately stood. I followed him to the kitchen where he was searching through the cabinets and I had a feeling I knew for what. When he popped out of one of the bottom ones near the floor, I saw my guess was right. He held up his hand triumphantly, shaking the bottle at me.

“Yeah, I’ll have some,” I answered his unspoken question and sat down at the table to the side of the kitchen.

He poured the rum into two glasses, filling the rest of the glass with soda. After sliding one over to me, he continued to watch me with a hawk’s eye. Where the hell was this conversation going?

After two large gulps of the liquid, he set the tumbler on the table. “Drink up,” he said.

I took the glass in my hand and held it up to my lips, letting the cool liquid slide down my throat as I wondered what else Heath would want to say. He rolled the glass around in his hands, almost like he didn’t know how to put his thoughts into words. That or he wasn’t sure I wanted to hear what he had to say.

“Okay, spit it out. I know you have something to say, so just say it.”

“Mari has a point.”

“I already said I wasn’t ready to tell him. I don’t—”

Heath shook his head. “I don’t mean him.”

“Then what are you talking about? All she bitched about was me not telling Reagan.”

He drained his glass and dropped it in the sink. “Mostly. But she also mentioned Jackson and Monty.”

I set the glass down, taking a step back. For some reason, I thought I’d be able to exit a conversation like that by simply stepping away from it. “I don’t want to deal with any of this.”

“Well, you’re gonna have to. Look, I wish we lived in a world where no one else worried about where anyone else might stick their dick, but we do.” He lifted his hands, palms up. “It sucks that you have to worry about what someone else might think about who you choose to sleep with.” I opened my mouth to argue with him, but Heath wasn’t done. “I know you’re going to say it’s not fair. And you’re right. It’s not. But Jackson and Monty don’t deserve to be blindsided when all of this comes to light.”

Heath hit the nail on the head. It wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t have to defend myself to anyone, yet so many times I stopped myself from doing certain things to avoid the judgment. To avoid the looks and slurs. And at the same time he was right about leaving them in the dark. One part of that equation he had yet to consider.

“How will they be blindsided when there’s no reason for the information to come to light?”

He lifted both brows in a disbelief. “You’re telling me you’re planning on keeping your pants zipped?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying. There’s a goddamn deadbolt on the zipper.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Not one of us is fucking celibate. You’re just used to hiding it and that’s not going to work forever. Eventually, someone is going to figure that shit out and out your ass whether you’re ready or not. I get it, you don’t want to tell everyone and I’m not asking you. I’m asking you to tell the two people who hopefully you’ll have a very long career with, but at the same time, ones who may not forgive you for keeping them in the dark.”

His words hit me right in the gut. He was right, it wasn’t fair to Jackson or Monty. They didn’t deserve to be caught up in the wave of my life.

“You’re right. And if things ever change and I put myself in a situation where I might get outed by someone, they will be the first two people I tell. Until then, can you respect that I want to keep it my business, since right now it doesn’t affect anyone else?”

“I wish you’d tell them sooner rather than later, but I can live with that. Keep in mind, if I see that situation and you still haven’t told them, I will. And I can guarantee things most likely won’t go well then.”

“Fair enough.” I reached a hand out to shake like we were settling some massive business deal.

He took my hand, shook it quickly, then ran his thumb over my knuckles, pressing down and rubbing back and forth. I hated when he did that.

“Dickhead.” I snatched my hand away.

The corner of his mouth pulled up in the sideway grin he had. “Working tonight?” The shit-eating grin on his face made it clear he expected a certain answer.

“Nope.”

His eyes went wide. “What did you say?”

“No, I’m not working tonight.”

When he was able to speak, he reached up to touch my forehead. “You feeling okay?”

I smacked his hand away. “Yeah, smartass. I’m not in the mood to write. I have enough shit banging around my head.”

Heath grabbed his belly as he pretended to double over in laugher.

Dick.

“I guess you will have to listen to Mari about something.”

“Funny. You can lay your ass right here and laugh all you want. I, on the other hand, am going to bed.”

I followed him out to the living room, where he flopped down on the couch and grabbed the remote.

“Sweet dreams, lover boy.”

I flipped him off and proceeded to march down the hall. I had a feeling Heath was right on the money. Most of my dreams tonight would revolve around Reagan and there was no stopping it. The train had been set into motion and there was no stopping it as it bulldozed through every wall I’d erected over the years to keep Reagan out.