CHAPTER 14

Sawyer

 

“How many more times are we going to have to go through this song until we get it?” I snapped, my patience at an end with the bullshit, childish crap today. For the third time in a row, Monty had played the wrong transition cord.

My mood was for shit the last few days. I hadn’t spoken with Reagan since we’d left the bar two nights ago. I pretended things were fine at the little show on the dance floor, but that wasn’t really the case. White hot jealousy had ravaged my entire system as I watched the woman press her lips to Reagan’s jaw. Had he not pushed her away, I wasn’t sure I would have been able to stay in my seat any longer. Even though we spent the rest of the night talking about stupid shit, I hadn’t been able to get his words out of my head.

I want someone for the long haul.

The words ate at me like a virus. Could I handle spending time with him when I knew there was a woman waiting at home to give him everything I wanted to give him? The thought alone made me want to smash something. It kept my temper just below simmering all day. And the bullshit with the song was about to push it over the edge.

Mari gave me a quick glance over her shoulder, a brow lifted, but I took it as my signal to tap us in. With a new song it was easier to do it that way until we’d fallen in the groove where playing it became second nature. Today that groove seemed miles away. Every time we started the damn song, something stupid happened to stop us in our tracks. We hadn’t even gotten to the first chorus yet. There was only a little over an hour before we were supposed to be recording a different song for the album the studio was gearing up for release. This time it happened to be a full album, instead of the teaser set they released almost a year ago for the radio stations. At the rate it was going, this song would never make it onto an album of its own. Monty and Jackson started in on the simple introduction with Mari’s voice coming softly in to complete the melody. Just as Heath and I were about to pick up the tempo Mari burst into laughter.

Heath stopped playing and froze, his jaw practically on the floor. “Did you just say fart instead of heart?”

Jackson’s wide eyes followed her as she walked over and slumped on the couch trying to catch her breath only to giggle more.

“She totally fucking said it.” Monty roared with laughter, falling off the bench.

Heath had finally snapped his jaw shut, trying not to laugh. Under normal circumstances, I would have joined in, but the sleepless nights had taken their toll. Not that Reagan’s team at the firm helped. It wasn’t as bad when I didn’t know two of the three other members were gorgeous women. I wouldn’t blame him for looking at either of them a second time. It’s not like I would ever have a chance.

“Goddammit!” I threw my sticks across the room. As I stormed out, I noticed everyone staring at me. Not that I gave a shit. I needed a break.

The door slammed behind me and I moved down the hall to a room where they kept drinks and snacks for the artists. I grabbed a bottle of water, chucking the cap onto the table and drinking down half the bottle.

“What the fuck was that all about?” Mari shoved through the door, throwing it into the wall behind.

I slammed the bottle onto the table, water sloshing everywhere. “What the hell are you yelling at me for?” I snapped.

Mari’s mouth dropped open. “Are you freaking kidding me? You just threw your shit across the room and you want to know why I’m yelling?”

Heath stepped into the room, pointing at me. “You need to get your shit under control.”

“I’m the one who needs to get my shit under control? You guys can’t get through one song, but I’m the one with the problem.”

Mari narrowed her eyes. “We never get a song right this early and we always have a ton of laughs. The better question is why do you have a stick up your ass?”

“I don’t. I want to get this shit done and go home.”

She threw her hands in the air. “To do what? Stay up and write more songs? If you said you wanted to get home so you could sleep that would be one thing, but you don’t. You stay up until all hours of the night writing music only to be a tired, shitty asshole the next day.”

I opened my mouth to let Mari have it when Heath raised both hands at us and sighed. It wasn’t often that Mari and I fought, but when we did shit truly hit the fan.

“That’s not the problem.”

Mari’s head snapped in his direction. “What do you mean that’s not the problem?”

“The song writing is to get his mind off the real issue.”

“Reagan?” she asked, although I knew she really didn’t need an answer. She knew Reagan was the only man I’d ever wanted for more than one night.

“We need more songs.”

Heath shook his head. “Not at the rate you’re writing them. And you haven’t let us hear any and I have a feeling what’s stopping you.”

Mari stepped in front of me, her voice softening from earlier. “What are the songs about?”

I shrugged. “Nothing specific. Same as our other stuff.”

She laid her hand on my arm. “Don’t lie to me.”

I ran a hand through my hair and paced away from them, not ready to see how bad this whole thing was affecting me. “They all have to do with him.”

A small hand wrapped around my bicep, pulling me around to face them. “Why are you doing this to yourself?”

“What am I supposed to do? He’s been my best friend since we were kids. I can’t just walk away from him.”

“No.” She wrapped her arm around my waist. “But you can tell him the truth.”

I leaned my chin down on her head. “What would the point of that be? He’s straight.”

“Maybe. At least you wouldn’t be walking around like you have a hundred pound weight on your shoulders.”

“I don’t—”

She squeezed tighter. “Yes, you do, and I wish I knew a way to fix it.”

“He needs to get laid.”

We both looked up at the same time to see Heath, leaning against the table with his arms crossed over his chest, looking bored.

“That’s not what I need.”

“Yes, you do,” he argued. “When was the last time you even hooked up with a guy?”

The answer sat in the front of my head, taunting me like it always did. Not that I had an intention of admitting I’d been counting the number of days I had practically been celibate since Reagan had walked back into my life. “I don’t know.”

“Bullshit. You haven’t been out or brought a guy home since Reagan showed back up.”

“No,” I disagreed. “I haven’t been going out to protect the band.”

“Don’t start. You’ve been sneaking away for years, even when we got bigger. Don’t act like it was for us when it was just to protect yourself against rejection.”

I stepped out of Mari’s grip. “And what the hell am I supposed to do about it?”

“Find a club,” he said. “I’m sure there are plenty far enough from here, no one will know it’s you with a hat in the dark.”

“Then what? Find some random guy on the dance floor to make me feel better? Don’t you get it? I don’t want anyone but him.”

Mari walked over and stood with Heath, resting her head on his shoulder. “You’re looking at this all wrong. This isn’t about finding the perfect man. This is about sex and only sex. You don’t need a connection with the guy unless you plan on dating him later.”

“I have no plans to do any of this.”

Heath glanced over at Mari, then back at me. “You need to do this. Otherwise, we’re never getting another song recorded if this shit continues. You need to get laid. Hell, we all need you to get laid. And it doesn’t matter two shits about who the guy is. All that matters is that you get some. If you find someone you have more than a physical attraction to, great. If not, no big deal. That’s why they call it a one-night stand.”

It had been forever since I’d been with anyone. First, it had to do with putting so much work into the band to notice. Then it became about time, but neither made me completely push dating to the back corner. Now, I constantly looked over my shoulder, hoping Reagan didn’t figure out my secret. They were right. I couldn’t live the rest of my life pining after my best friend. Some day he was going to find a woman to settle down with and marry. If I kept waiting for that magical day he noticed me, I wouldn’t be able to handle when the day arrived that he found someone.

Reagan was never going to be mine and as much as it hurt, it was the reality I needed to accept to get on with my life. There was someone out there for me, and I’d never find him if I didn’t try. The question was how did I find that person without giving away who I was?

“Fine. You’re right, I need to get out without Reagan.” I ran a hand over my face, knowing the truth but hating the reality of it all.

“You need to give other guys a chance,” Mari warned.

“And how am I supposed to do that without someone recognizing me? Every day our pictures are plastered in more places. Anyone who has social media and follows us will know who I am.”

She shrugged. “Maybe, but I’m sure there are things you can do to downplay that. Like you said, they’d have to follow us.”

“If anyone recognizes you, tell them you get mistaken for him a lot. Unless it’s different in the straight club scene, people don’t go out to figure out who is telling the truth. They want to drink, dance, and fuck at the end of the night if they’re lucky,” Heath offered.

That made me chuckle and roll my eyes. “I’m pretty sure we all have the same basic needs.”

“My point.” Heath stood and moved to the door. “Now let’s get back in there and get these songs recorded. Sawyer has plans tonight.”

Heath stepped out into the hall as Mari came up beside me and looped her arm through mine. “You need a night out. Leave all that shit at home tonight and just go out and have fun.”

The first words out of my mouth were almost I’ll try, then I realized the way her eyes were sparkling up at me, she had hope for things I didn’t. Then again, I wouldn’t know until I tried. Maybe if I gave someone a chance I’d finally find the guy to get my mind off Reagan.

I pulled the phone from my pocket, opening up the Internet to find the closest gay club. If there was any place I would avoid, it happened to be any establishment in the city. A little over an hour away sat a club that looked like it might work. The reviews online made it look very dark and dim in the place. I’d be able to hide and hopefully find a man to help me forget Reagan. At least for one night. More than one night just happened to be a bonus.