CHAPTER 18

Sawyer

 

Everything hurt.

Including my eyes, which I kept tightly shut. I knew it was morning by the bright lights reflecting off my lids. What I really wanted was to fall back asleep and back into the dream where Reagan didn’t hate me. Where he actually wanted me. I moved my head slightly on the pillow and instantly regretted it. How much did I drink last night? My head pounded and my stomach churned. I froze, no desire to puke up last night’s bad decisions.

The bed moved again and I groaned.

“Tequila has never been good to you.”

My eyes snapped open. The light burned, but I slowly turned my head to the right.

Reagan was lying in my bed.

In my bed.

“Morning.” He didn’t take his eyes off me.

“What are you—”

Images, most blurry, flooded my head. Lots of tequila. Reagan showing up. More tequila. Almost falling. Me kissing Reagan. I clenched my eyes shut. Not just kissing him. Attacking him as I pinned him up against a wall. Fucking hell. Tequila really wasn’t good to me.

“Sawyer?” A warm hand landed on my shoulder.

My muscles tightened, heat radiating out from where his skin touched mine. The images replayed themselves again and again. “Please tell me it was a dream.”

“Sawyer…”

Something about the gravely tone of his voice made me open my eyes. “Please,” I begged.

He shook his head. “Not a dream.”

My stomach lurched and I threw my feet over the bed. The trash can was already there waiting for me. I grabbed it and emptied my stomach into the can. It had been bad enough Reagan saw me with Kyle. Kissing him had to be the dumbest thing I’d ever done. I lowered the can to floor to the get the smell out of my face and leaned my elbows on my knees. I wasn’t ready to face him yet. The bed shifted.

What the fuck had I been thinking?

That’s right, I hadn’t. My man Jose did all it for me.

“Feel better?”

I shook my head slightly, bracing myself for the pain that came with it. “Not really. No.”

“Can I get you something?”

I scoffed and glanced over my shoulder. “A memory eraser?” I said it hoping he would laugh. We could joke about tequila and bad decisions. We’d salvage our friendship. Then I could do everything in my power to forget what it felt like kissing the only man I had ever loved.

He didn’t laugh.

“Don’t do that. I don’t want to forget last night and neither do you.”

I turned to face him. He was lying on his side facing me, his head resting in his hand. “Did I miss something when I was drunk last night? Or did you forget you’re straight and I’m gay? Why wouldn’t you want to forget last night?”

He lifted a brow. “How much do you remember?”

I groaned. “Besides me forcing myself on you?”

“You don’t remember everything then.”

I turned away from him again, dropping my head into my hands. “I’m not sure I wanna know more.”

The bed next to me dipped and I looked over. He smirked. “You look like hell. You’re not ready for the conversation I want to have. Go grab a shower, then we’ll talk.”

There was no trace of the anger from last night in his voice. It was calm. A calm that belied the slight tremor in his hand. I’d fucked everything up last night. My hand clenched into a fist and I immediately released it, hissing out a breath. A quick glance down and I recalled my fist connecting with the wall downstairs. I lifted it to inspect the damage. The swelling wasn’t as bad as I feared. I opened and closed my fingers a few times.

“Will you be able to play tonight?” His brows pulled together.

Concern and calm didn’t go at all with the ‘fuck off’ I braced myself for. Made me wonder what conversation he wanted to have.

“Reagan, I—”

He shook his head. “Go get in the shower. We’ll talk when you’re done.”

He took both hands, placing them on my back, and pushed me up until I was standing. The move wasn’t out of the ordinary. When one of us wanted to go somewhere we had no problem forcing the other to get a move on. Everything was different today. Each touch set me on fire. A fire I knew I’d have to find a way to extinguish by the end of the day. I’d had my tongue in his mouth and even though I knew it would never happen, I wanted more. I wanted his hands on me, not only to get me to the shower. I wanted them to wrap around my cock and jerk me to release. I glanced back at him.

“Go,” he ordered.

Nothing would get him to tell me what was going through his head. My stomach rocked. I didn’t think I had enough strength to listen to him tell me he was done. A small part of me thought maybe I was better off if he did. I was completely aware that our friendship would never be the same. Even if a part of it could be salvaged.

I made my way past Heath’s door. He had a hell of a lot of explaining to do. Like why the hell I woke up with Reagan in my bed. He knew I didn’t handle tequila well and he let him in anyway. I opened the door and closed it quietly behind me. I didn’t need an audience for this. Fucker was fast asleep with no care in the world. I grabbed the deodorant from the dresser and chucked it at him. It hit him right in the back.

“What the fuck?” He flipped over, glaring at me. “What the hell was that for?”

“Really, dickhead? I woke up with Reagan in my bed and you wonder why I threw shit at you?”

He sat up. “He’s here?”

“What do you mean ‘he’s here?’ Didn’t you let him in?”

He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Nope. I left your drunk ass on the couch and went to bed.”

“Then how the hell…”

Heath’s eyes traveled from my head down. “Jesus, you look like shit and you smell like a cheap-ass bar. My guess is you let him and don’t remember it.”

I leaned back against the door, closing my eyes. Hammers pounded in my brain. “Apparently, there’s a lot about last night I don’t remember.”

“Told ya to put Jose away. He’s never been your friend.”

“Yeah, yeah. How was I supposed to know he’d come back? I figured I’d wallow in self-pity for a while and deal with the hangover today. I didn’t plan on sticking my tongue down his throat.”

Heath’s mouth dropped open. “You did what?”

“I fucking kissed him. Of all the stupid ass—”

He held up both hands. “Wait. You’re telling me, you kissed him and he still stayed the night?”

My head thumped against the door. “Yep.”

“Then what are you doing in my room? Go back there and get what you’ve always wanted.” He looked at me again. “Umm…maybe you better shower first.”

I scoffed. “That’s where I was headed when I stopped in here. Says he wants me to have a clear head to talk.”

“Then go get your ass in the shower and get the fuck back to your room.” He pulled the covers up and lay back down.

“Even if by some miracle that was a possibility, I can’t…”

Heath cracked one eye open. “Yes, you can. It’s why Mari and I sent you out last night.”

“Fuck, please don’t tell me you were hoping this would happen.”

He opened both eyes fully. “No. Reagan finding out is just a bonus.”

My hands clenched into fists. Would they really want me to out myself when I wasn’t ready? He didn’t seem to notice and kept speaking.

“You don’t need to keep hiding who you are. Shit, Monty and Jackson don’t even know. I’ve been begging you for years to tell them the truth. There’s no way you’re ever going to be happy keeping a part of yourself hidden. No matter how much success we get. Even if you don’t want the whole world to know, finding someone means you won’t have to hide anything from the people who give a shit about you.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but he didn’t give me a chance.

“Now get your alcohol ridden ass out of my room and in the shower. Find out what he has to say.”

He turned on his side and pulled the cover over his head. More confused than ever, I stepped out of Heath’s room and glanced down the hall at my own door. I didn’t think there was a chance in hell Reagan would want me the way I wanted him. I’d already walked away from him once in my life because of my secrets, I wouldn’t do it again. If anyone was going to leave, it was going to have to be him.

I went in the bathroom and turned on the shower. Maybe Heath and Mari were right. Keeping a part of who I was locked away wasn’t helping anyone. Even the songs I wrote had taken on an edge. I’d chalked it up to what the fans liked. I told Mari before that I didn’t want my personal life to hurt Jaded Ivory. Didn’t mean I had to keep Jackson and Monty in the dark. They deserved to know, no matter who I was or wasn’t involved with.

The tile was cold on my feet as steam filled the room. I reached for my toothbrush first. God, I needed to stay the hell away from tequila. Nothing good came of it. After popping some ibuprofen, I stepped under the warm spray. The hot water beat down on me, driving away some of the hangover. The ibuprofen helped with the rest. By the time I reached for the towel I felt almost human again. There was a low throb in my head, but that was about it. After some water and greasy food, I would be right as rain.

My hand covered the door handle and froze. I came to the shower empty-handed, which meant I now had to walk back to my room with only a towel around my waist and Reagan waiting. If he didn’t already want to run, he would now.

I sighed and pulled the door open. There wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it now. I didn’t want to wait any longer to hear what conversation he wanted to have. For a brief moment, I thought about hiding in Heath’s room again, but he’d only kick my ass out. Time to pull on my big boy pants and face the consequences of my actions. I pushed through my door and found Reagan sitting on the edge of my bed where I’d left him earlier.

His dark hair was tousled like he’d been raking his fingers through it and for a moment I was jealous of those fingers. What I wouldn’t give to run my fingers through his thick locks and see just how soft they were. I shut the door behind me, moving directly to my dresser. The least I could do was pull on a pair of boxers before this whole situation got any more awkward.

I opened the drawer, searching for something to wear, when two arms boxed me in. I could feel the heat of his chest against my back.

“What are you—”

Reagan grabbed my shoulder and spun me around. Before I had a second to process what was happening, his mouth was on mine.

Holy shit.

Reagan, the man I’d wanted my most of my adult life, had his mouth pressed to mine. It wasn’t a dream. Reagan had his lips pressed to mine.

What was he doing?

He’d lost his mind. Then his tongue moved across my bottom lip and I ceased to think at all. My lips parted, his tongue slipping between them to tangle with mine. I moved my hands up his chest and into his hair. The texture was softer than I imagined. How could I have forgotten what his felt like? Desire pulsed through every nerve ending. My body was on fire. This man, this very straight man, was kissing me.

That thought brought me back to the present. This was a really fucking bad idea. I placed my hands against his chest and shoved him away.

“What are you doing?” I panted, trying to get my body under control. There was no hiding the erection the simple kiss caused with the flimsy bath towel around my hips.

“Kissing you.” The words were so simple and yet so foreign my brain had trouble processing them for a moment.

I skirted around him, grabbing a pair of boxers on the way by. With the towel still around my hips, I yanked them up and kept my distance from the temping man in front of me. “And why do you think that’s a good idea?”

“You’re telling me you don’t want my mouth on yours?”

I shook my head. “How much did I have to drink last night?” I couldn’t fathom a situation where Reagan was the one trying to seduce me.

He took one step forward and I took one back. “More than you needed, but alcohol has nothing to do with this.” He moved his finger between the two of us.

“I think it does. Or did you forget somewhere between last night and this morning you don’t like guys?”

“I like you.”

Oh, fuck. I wasn’t strong enough for this. “As a friend.”

He took another step forward. I matched him step for step until my back hit the far wall of my bedroom. I glanced around the room, trying to figure out a way to escape. Apparently, I was in the Twilight Zone. That or a really bad horror flick and I was the next poor schmuck to die. “Would you stop trying to get away from me?”

I threw my hands up in an attempt to keep him an arm’s length away from me. “I will not let one bad decision ruin our friendship. I did that when I left.”

“You won’t ruin our friendship.”