CHAPTER 32

Sawyer

 

A loud bell sounded from somewhere near me. I tugged the pillow over my head, hoping to drown out the noise. It wouldn’t stop. Whoever was calling better have had a good fucking reason for waking me at the ass crack of dawn. I reached for Reagan and my hand only encountered cold sheets. Waking up that way was getting old. That’s when I remembered he’d gone back to his apartment late last night since he had a meeting this morning.

Without opening my eyes, I smacked my hand around on the table, trying to find my phone. Finally, my fingers touched the edge and I brought it over to lay on my chest. I tried cracking one eye open. Fuck, it was bright in my room. The phone started ringing again. With a groan, I dropped my arm over my eyes and brought the phone to my ear.

“’Ello.”

“How the fuck are you still sleeping?” Mari’s voice was shrill coming from the other end of the line.

Squinting, I pulled the phone away from my ear to see the time. A little after eight. “It’s eight in the morning. What the hell else would I be doing?”

“Shit. Shit. Shit.” Something about the tone of her voice melted away the last bit of drowsiness.

“Mari, what’s wrong with you? Are the paparazzi up your ass again?”

“No, but they’re onto yours.”

I lurched straight up in bed, no longer worried about how bright my room is. That wasn’t right. It couldn’t be. Reagan and I didn’t do anything to give ourselves away. “What did you just say?”

“Jesus Christ, Sawyer. Look at the picture I sent you. They know about you and Reagan. Well, they don’t know his name yet, but it’s only a matter of time.”

With trembling hands, I lowered the phone and opened up the text from Mari. My heart slammed into my chest. There on the screen were pictures of me and Reagan, holding hands, kissing.

“Holy fuck.” I had no idea how long I sat there, frozen, staring at the evidence that had the potential to not only destroy my career, but Reagan’s as well.

“Sawyer,” Mari shouted.

“What?” I answered in a daze. My brain couldn’t process all that I was seeing.

“You need to talk to Reagan.”

Unable to sit still, I stood and started pacing the room. Talk to Reagan. No. I needed to save him from the shitstorm that was about to rain down on us. He worked for one of the most prestigious law firms in the city, who also happened to have a few very homophobic partners. Being in the closet was the only thing keeping him from having problems there. There was no reason he had to stay on board my sinking ship.

My chest ached. He could forget about all of this. Think of it as some kind of sexual experiment gone wrong and find himself a girl to settle down and have a family with. Bile burned as it rose up my throat.

I loved that man more than I ever thought possible. In twenty-six years, I’d never met someone who understood every part of me without question. Letting him go would be one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but I had to do it. He deserved to have the happy, carefree life that being straight afforded him. Mine was now destined for turmoil, something I wouldn’t wish on my own enemy. My stomach cramped just thinking about the words I needed to say. No matter what it took, I’d say them.

“No. I need to talk to Tom.”

“Why the hell do you need to talk to Tom?” Her voice rose with each word. Best guesses, she was also wearing a hole in her own rug.

“I want to set up a press conference.”

“I don’t think you can deny this.”

I glanced at the picture. There was no denying what was right there for anyone to see. Didn’t mean I had to feed Reagan to the wolves. “I know I can’t deny what they see in the picture. Doesn’t mean I have to give them what they don’t already know.”

“You’re not making any sense,” she said.

“They may know it’s me and that I was with a guy, but they don’t need to know who that guy is.”

“Are you kidding? Of course they’re going to figure out who he is. They’re going to have cameras all over your ass trying to figure out who the man that made Sawyer Alason go gay is.”

I threw the sheets off and moved to the side of the bed. “That’s fucking ridiculous to think that Reagan made me go gay.”

“Doesn’t matter. They want a story and will do whatever it takes to get one.”

Cleanup time, but I didn’t have to put into words what I knew I needed to do to fix this mess. I sat silently on the phone and waited for Mari to reach the truth. A few minutes passed and I waited.

“Oh my God. You’re aren’t going to do what I think you are?”

I sighed. “And what is that?”

“Break up with him before the media drags him through the mud.”

I paused for a second. “You know me too well.”

“That’s the dumbest fucking idea I’ve ever heard. Do you plan on telling him before or after you let the whole world know it’s over?”

“Don’t start, Mari. I won’t ruin his career because I can’t keep my hands to myself around him.”

“Ugh…you’ve lost it.” There was shuffling and a sound of jingling keys. “Don’t you dare do anything rash until after I get there. I’m leaving the house now.”

“Mari,” I warned, but she didn’t answer. When I looked down, she’d hung up.

I paced my room for a few minutes, planning out my next move. There were not good answers when you were stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either way I needed to get the ball rolling before I lost my nerve. I sat down on the bed and began to dial Tom’s number when my bedroom door burst open. I expected to see Mari, thinking she drove fast as hell to get there. I was surprised to look up and see Heath, who swiped the phone out of my hand before I could finish dialing.

“What the fuck?”

“Don’t start,” he snapped. “Mari told me to take your phone until she got here and the two of you could talk before you do something stupid and rash.”

I swiped at my phone. “There’s nothing to think about. Nothing to talk about. I will not let Reagan go down with me.”

He sat on the bed next to me, keeping the phone firmly out of reach. “Who says you’re going down? And even if you are, you need to let Reagan support you in times of bullshit like this.”

“It’s not fair to him.”

“Dude, that doesn’t even make sense. He’s in this just as much as you are.”

“Not if I can keep him out of it.”

“You’re going to ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to you so you can play the martyr card? That’s absolute bullshit.”

I sighed. All the plans I had for Reagan and myself came crashing down and shattering like glass on concrete. No matter what anyone said, the decision was made. My stomach churned and for a bit I thought I might throw up. That all changed when the door flew open and this time Mari swooped in like an avenging angel. For at least an hour we argued back and forth over the right thing to do. Eventually, I’d won and called Tom to set up a press conference for a few hours from now.

If I thought time with Reagan flew by in the blink of an eye, time away from him seemed to drag on forever. I paced the small room, tuning out Mari’s pleading and begging for me to not do this.

My heart was on her side.

My head was not.

The sound of my heart echoed around the room with how loud it beat when Tom came back to bring me into the room. A bead of sweat formed on my brow as I walked toward the door. He opened it slightly, stepping through and giving me a good visual of what awaited me on the other side. The crowds for our PR tour were very large and this had to be twice the size.

“Thank you all for coming today.”

Tom stood at the podium ready to call me up to the stage. My hands were shaking so hard I could barely hold the paper in my hand. Not that I planned on using the speech they prepared for me. I knew the gist of it, but I had no intention of coming off like an insensitive robot. A machine who had no feelings about what he was saying.

Mari took my hands in hers. “Are you sure you want to do this alone? You know if you called—”

I shook my head so hard, it hurt. “No way. I will not put him through the bullshit the press and the paparazzi are about to rein down on my ass.”

She squeezed my hands tighter. “You love him, do you not?”

Bile raced up my throat. “There are no words for how much I love him.”

“Then don’t shut him out,” she pleaded.

My eyes burned. “I have to. I won’t ruin his career because I’m selfish. He can still be happy with a wife and kids.”

“But where does that leave you?”

I shrugged, trying to stop myself from puking all over the waiting area. “Alone with my drum kit. How it’s always been.”

“Sawyer Alason.” That was my cue.

Swallowing back the bitter taste in my mouth, I climbed the stairs to face the music. No pun intended. Flashes went off in every direction, practically blinding me. It might have been dumb, but it distracted me enough from my misery to start talking.

“Hello, everyone. As you know, pictures were uploaded sometime yesterday of me holding another man’s hand and kissing him. I won’t lie to you or try to cover up what’s going on in those photos. The reality is that I am gay. I’ve known it since I was sixteen years old. Honestly, I didn’t think it was anyone’s business who I’m in a relationship with. That being said, the time to clear the air has come.”

A reporter in the middle raised her hand. “Who is the man with you in the picture?”

I knew exactly who stood so close to me, our lips connected at every point. My heart pounded in my ears and my stomach lurched. But I held my ground and did what needed to be done.

“No one of importance.”

“Do you have a boyfriend?” someone shouted from the back.

This question was even harder to answer than the first. “No, I do not.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Mari wiping the tears from her face. If I didn’t have to keep it together, it was guaranteed I’d have tears of my own. Somehow, by some sheer force of willpower, I was able to hold them back.

“So there’s no one special in your life?”

I shook my head. “Nope. Just me and the band.”

Like it had always been and probably always would be.

Another hand. Another question.

It went on like that for the next thirty minutes. I stood at the podium trying to protect Reagan’s identity. I would do everything in my power to protect him from the hell my life was about to become. By the time we were finished, I had nothing left. It took every ounce of physical and mental strength to survive ripping my heart out. All I wanted was to be alone.

Heath texted me that news vans surrounded the house. Not long after Mari received the same text from Cole. Seemed they gave everyone the same warm welcome treatment. A quick bend over while I ruin the rest of your life and career kind of treatment. For everybody’s sanity, I thought it best I get a hotel room for the night. At least there, I could be miserable all on my own without bringing everyone else down, especially as they should be celebrating the number one ranking of our latest single.

Mari tried repeatedly to convince me not to go to the hotel.

“They have enough security to keep the people out and no one will have to deal with them. Once they figure out I’m not there, maybe they’ll leave me alone.”

She wrapped her arms around my waist. “You shouldn’t have to be alone at a time like this. Cole and I don’t mind dealing with the paparazzi. We’ve dealt with our fair share.”

“I know, but I can’t do that to you. Plus, right now, I really need to be alone.”

I could tell she wanted to keep arguing, but something made her close her mouth and keep it to herself. She nodded.

“Fine, but if you change your mind, call me, you know I’ll be there.”

I pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “I know.”

The back of my throat started to burn. I knew it was time to get out of there before I lost it in front of the others. Without a word, I stepped out of her arms. Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I walked out the back door to the car service Tom had set up when he made the hotel reservation and scheduled the news conference.

The door of the hotel room closed behind me. For the fiftieth time, my phone lit up. Another message from Mari.

“Enough,” I screamed and chucked my phone across the room, watching with satisfaction as it shattered against the wall.

Unable to keep my emotions at bay, I leaned against the wall and slid to the floor, letting the tears come.