CHAPTER 25

Sawyer

 

My brain had melted into a pile of mush. I was shocked I’d been able to form a coherent sentence.

“Really? It was okay?”

Those dark eyes lifted to meet mine and the vulnerability there blew my mind. He was trying to hide the fact he felt insecure, but I could see it there in his eyes. Something he didn’t need to feel with me. I wasn’t lying when I told him that his lips around my dick would make me come. What I hadn’t expected was how expertly the man played my body. If I didn’t know any better I would have thought he’d done it before.

“Okay? I think shooting my brains through my dick says it was more than okay.”

The simple words brought the confident smile back to his face. Each one of my muscles no longer felt as if they would crack under the strain. As much as I wanted to stay in my room, in our own little bubble, I knew I needed to talk to Jackson. There was no avoiding it. Reagan’s hand snaked down to grip himself through his jeans. He hadn’t come yet. I covered his hand with mine.

“Let me take care of this for you.”

He shook his head. “Not right now. That was for you. Right now you need to talk to Jackson.”

“But—”

“No buts.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. I could taste myself still on his tongue and my dick twitched. I didn’t think I’d be able to get hard again after coming so spectacularly. Boy, was I wrong. My dick hardened even further. Then again, with Reagan, I had no idea what my body might be capable of. He kissed up my jaw line to my ear. “Besides, you can make it up to me later. Now get dressed.”

I nodded and stood from the bed to fasten my jeans. “Can’t we just stay in here all night?”

He walked over and stood before me, taking my hips in his hands and pulling me closer. “While I would love nothing more, you won’t be able to sleep right or focus on all the things I want to do if you’re worried about Jackson.”

“I’m not sure I can do this,” I whispered, looking down at the ground. “I can’t have him abandon all of us.”

“If he’s actually willing to abandon you for being who you truly are, then he wasn’t meant to be part of your life anyway.” He took my hand and led me to the door. “But I think you’ll be quite surprised at what you find out there.”

Reagan led us from the bedroom and down the hall, still refusing to take his hand from mine. When we reached the living room, I stopped dead when I came face-to-face with Jackson. I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded to the kitchen. “Can we talk? Just the two of us?”

He nodded and walked through the door connecting the two rooms. I followed him and braced myself for the tirade I knew was to come. But when the door shut behind me, he said nothing, just crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the counter, waiting for me.

This was no time to beat around the bush. Better to know what I was up against than to keep myself guessing. I went straight to the point. “Do you have a problem with me being gay?”

Jackson shook his head. “What? Is that what you think?”

I ran a hand through my hair. “I have no idea what the fuck to think. I tell you my biggest secret and you’re the only one who storms off, making me think I ruined everything. So I’ll ask again, do you have a problem with me being gay?”

Jackson sighed. “No. God no. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you think that. I’m pissed because you kept something that big from me. I’ve trusted you with plenty of things over the years, and yet you couldn’t trust me.”

“It had nothing to do with trust. I don’t want to be the gay musician.”

“You had no problem telling everyone else before now. Fuck, even Cole knew.” He began to pace the floor of the small room.

“I didn’t tell Monty. The observant little shit that he is figured it all out on his own. And the only reason Cole knows is ’cause Mari begged me to tell him. He thought I wanted her.”

“Heath and Mari?”

“They lived with me. I’m not a damn virgin.”

He stopped in his tracks. “Oh, and I guess Mari and Heath just happened to be in the right place at the right time?”

I leaned back against the counter. “I’m not sure what you want me to say.”

“Put yourself in my shoes for a minute. How would you feel if I kept something this big from you, but come to find out everyone else knew?”

“Fuck…” My head fell forward. “I should have told you before now. We’ve been friends for years. Please tell me I haven’t ruined that.”

“No, you haven’t.” I moved my gaze back up to his. Jackson pulled out a chair and took a seat. “But there’s something I want to know.”

I took the seat across from him. “What’s that?”

He drummed his fingers on the wood. “Why now? Why keep something like that from us all these years? You had to know we wouldn’t give a shit who you had in your bed.”

I leaned farther back into the chair. “You’re right. I knew you wouldn’t care, but I used it as an excuse.”

“An excuse for what?”

It would probably piss him off, but I gave him the truth anyway. “If it weren’t for Reagan, I probably would have kept hiding it from everyone.”

Jackson narrowed his eyes at me, but I continued before he had a chance to say anything.

“Before him I had no reason to come out. I knew I’d never want another man the way I wanted him, and he was straight, or at least I thought he was. When he showed up at that meet and greet, I still hadn’t been ready to tell him. It wasn’t until he caught me hooking up with a guy on his floor that he knew.”

“You love him.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement about the reality I’d yet to deal with when it came to Reagan.

“I’ve loved him since I was sixteen years old. I spent years in college trying to forget or at least fuck him out of my head. Which is why I told Heath. I didn’t want him to walk in on something he wasn’t expecting.”

Jackson fell silent and sat quietly for so long, I braced myself for the possible explosion. Of the five of us, Jackson was the most level-headed and reasonable in any situation. He had a way of looking for the positives in everything. Most of the time. Deep below the surface lurked a raging temper. One that when pushed to the limit would come out swinging.

He looked at me again and something in his gaze had the weight lifting from my chest. “I can respect that. I can’t imagine falling for someone and knowing no matter what you did, they would never fall for you.”

“Are we good?” I held my breath. His answer made the difference in not only our friendship, but possibly the future of the band.

“We’re good.”

I stood, ready to join the others in the living room, and was surprised when Jackson reached out a hand to me, pulling me into a quick bro hug. That one simple act proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he didn’t care about my sexuality. Any guy who did would keep their distance, probably afraid of what that might mean to me. It was honestly one thing I never understood. Straight men were able to keep themselves contained in a room full of beautiful women. Why wouldn’t I be able to keep my dick in my pants when surrounded by men? Whatever. Right now, that didn’t matter.

“Let’s go talk to your man.”

I chuckled. “You do realize you already know him, right?”

He stopped at the door. “Yes, but now I have a whole new set of questions, like what he sees in you.” He pushed it open and walked into the living room.

“Fucker,” I muttered under my breath as I followed him.

“I heard that,” he called over his shoulder.

Reagan’s eyes met mine the second I emerged from the kitchen. A brow lifted and I nodded, answering his unspoken question, are you okay? And really, I was. I took the seat next to Reagan on the smaller couch. My heart thundered in my chest when he reached over and intertwined our fingers. It had been the first time he’d initiated a connection when we were in the presence of others.

Monty clasped his hands together. “Let’s talk.”

“And what do you want to talk about?”

He threw his hands up in the air. “Umm…maybe the fact you’re not only gay but also have a boyfriend.”

“And…” I let my sentence linger in the air, trying to figure out where he was going with this.

“And, does that mean we’re going to see more of Reagan on the road with us?” He jerked his head to where Mari and Cole sat in the same position I left them. “We see plenty of Cole when he doesn’t have games.”

“No,” Reagan said at the same time I said, “Yes.”

My head snapped in his direction. “What do you mean no?”

“What do you mean yes?” he countered. “When you’re on the road, the paparazzi is everywhere. There’s no way we wouldn’t get caught unless you’re suddenly ready to come out of the closet to the world.”

“Wait,” Monty said. “You’re not coming out to everyone?”

I brought my attention back to him and shook my head. “No, I’m not.”

Heath spoke up. “And how do you expect to keep hiding that? Monty figured it out. You think others won’t?”

Jackson held his hands up. “Don’t look at me. I didn’t have a freaking clue.”

I knew Heath had a point. “We’ll just have to be careful.”

“Which means no ‘on the road’,” Reagan said.

Cole sat up in his seat, bringing Mari with him. “Why don’t you want everyone to know?”

I noticed Jackson and Monty looking at me with the same curiosity in their gazes. It was like they accepted it, so everyone else should. If only life worked that way.

“If people found out, it could affect the band. Places we were supposed to play might cancel. And we don’t think Reagan’s law firm will be very accepting either.”

Monty’s lip curled up at the corner. “Okay, a few small-minded bigots cancel. I wouldn’t want to play for them anyway. What about all the people who’d start listening to our stuff because of that?”

“Except, I don’t want to be the poster boy for gay musicians everywhere.”

“Oh please,” Monty scoffed. “There are plenty of artists who already claim that title.”

“And most of them aren’t a rock band. I have no idea how the crowd would react to the news, but it’s not something I’m willing to risk.”

“It shouldn’t have to be a risk,” Jackson argued. “You shouldn’t have to keep a very large part of you buried in the closet. It’s who you are. You get to embrace that as much as we do.”

“And I wish life were that simple.” I lifted Reagan’s hand to my lips. “One day I’ll be ready to tell the world. Right now everything is new for us, especially for Reagan. Give us time to wade through being a couple before we have to try and stay afloat in a tsunami.”

“Yeah, okay.” Monty nodded. “I don’t like it, but I can respect that.”

Jackson groaned. “I may not like it, but I get neither of you wanting to ruin your careers when they’re just starting.”

“Thank you. Now who’s hungry? Mari made chicken parm.”

“Fuck, yes.” Monty punched his fist in the air like a five-year-old finished the monkey bars on the playground. He jumped from his seat and practically ran to the kitchen. Mari and Cole were right behind him.

“He’ll eat everything if we don’t watch him,” she called over his shoulder.

“She’s got a point,” Jackson said on his way back to the kitchen.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Heath hanging back.

“Something you want to tell me?” I asked when the kitchen door closed behind Jackson.

“I just want to make sure you’re good.”

I glanced over at Reagan, and the smile he gave me set my blood on fire. To anyone else it looked sweet and devoted, but I knew better. The brazen tease who blew my mind and my cock earlier lurked just below the surface. “I’m better than good.”

“You better be,” Reagan whispered in my ear.

Heath smiled. “When you want to tell people is your choice, but I’m proud of you for coming clean today. That secret was kept entirely too long.”

“You’re right, it was. Someday the time will be right to tell the world and when it is I’ll be ready.”

“Good,” Heath said, walking into the kitchen, leaving Reagan and me alone.

Cupping my cheek, he brought my face to his. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“More than I have been in a long time.”