CHAPTER 24

Reagan

 

Sweat beaded all along Sawyer’s brow. Before long, he’d be trembling again and I didn’t know what to do to help him.

“What do you think?”

He shrugged. “I honestly don’t know.”

He tried to play it off like this was him asking if they liked the lyrics to the new song he wrote. I knew better. His words and actions didn’t line up. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and drag him down the hall to his room. If I could cocoon him away from the pain people might cause him, I would. Not that I had any experience with any of this. This was all new for me and there were so many things I hadn’t considered.

For the first time in my life, I saw a man as more than a friend. And that didn’t even begin to describe my feelings for Sawyer. The easy camaraderie had been there since we were little kids, but there was a sexual attraction I couldn’t explain. Everything about Sawyer made me want to get him naked. It didn’t end there, though. This was a man I cared deeply about. We shared so much with each other, I could see those feelings growing into more than either of us was ready for.

I shook those thoughts away. Right then, we needed to deal with Monty and Jackson. I had a feeling Mari and Heath were right. They wouldn’t give a shit who Sawyer was sleeping with. They might be pissed at being left in the dark, but that would be about it. At least, I hoped they were right. I didn’t want to think about what would happen if they were wrong.

I placed my hands on Sawyer’s shoulders and massaged the muscles. “I figure it this way. You either tell them and risk them getting pissed and leaving before we eat, which means more for us.”

Sawyer rolled his eyes. “Go on.”

“Or you wait until after we eat, which means you won’t touch a bite of food until after you talk to them and most likely make yourself sick in the process.”

“Why wouldn’t I eat?”

“I know you. You’ll be too nervous.”

He closed his eyes. “You’re right.” He cracked one eye. “And you know how much I hate admitting that.”

“Oh, trust me, I know.” I chuckled, which made him laugh. When the laughter died down, I continued. “I think you tell them now. Why wait and give yourself an ulcer in the process? Wouldn’t you rather know their reaction sooner, rather than later?”

Sawyer leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. It wasn’t erotic or sexy. It was to remind me we’d take it on together.

He glanced at the door. “Let’s get this over with. If they get mad and leave, at least they’ll have time to cool off before we play again.”

“Tell them. I’ll be right here with you.”

Focusing on Sawyer’s predicament with his friends made me think of my own with my friends and family. How did I explain to them that I suddenly liked men? Not that I could say I liked all men. It all had to do with Sawyer. I hadn’t thought about what label I might use to describe myself. The whole label thing made me want to open my own bottle of tequila. Being with Sawyer didn’t scare me. It was the consequences of that decision that almost had hives breaking out all over my skin. One of the partners at the law firm turned down a case a few weeks ago because he refused to represent ‘faggots.’ I had no idea what they’d say about one working for them. Ugh. This is not what I need to be thinking about right now. I turned my attention back to Sawyer and saw he was still standing in the kitchen, staring at the door.

His back looked like a rod had replaced his spine. I stepped forward and trailed kisses up his neck. “You can do this.”

He nodded. After another moment he lifted his head and rolled his shoulders back. “Let’s go before I fucking drink the tequila.”

I gave him a light shove to the back. He walked to the door with me following closely behind. We stepped through and found everyone else sitting around like it was any other night.

For them it was.

Sawyer shuffled into the room and Mari’s eyes caught mine over his shoulder. I could see the way her brow creased with worry.

“Yo, Reagan. What’s up?” Monty reached out to slap hands with me.

“Nothing much, man.” I hoped I could give Sawyer a few minutes to get himself together.

“No work tonight?” Jackson asked.

Cole sat on one end of the couch with Mari in his lap. Sawyer had taken the seat next to them. For the briefest of seconds I thought about sitting with him but stopped myself and leaned against the doorway. This was a move Sawyer needed to make on his own. I couldn’t nor would I force him into it. He sat with his arms on his thighs, his head bent.

“Nope, but I have a brief due to the court by Monday.”

Monty raised his beer. “Better you than me. Best part about a music degree, we never had to write papers.”

“Don’t I wish.”

Sawyer finally lifted his head. “We need to talk.”

Silence filled the room, pressing in on my chest, making it hard to breathe as I waited with everyone else to hear what Sawyer would say. Heath sat forward on the chair.

“Dude, you don’t look so good,” Monty said, watching Sawyer. “Everything okay?”

Sawyer sucked in a breath and moved his gaze to me for a second before looking back at Monty. “Everything’s great, but there’s something you need to know. Something I should have told you a long time ago.”

“What is it?” Jackson asked, his attention completely focused on Sawyer.

His hand trembled as he ran it through his hair. I wanted nothing more than to go over and hold that hand in mine. Sawyer stood from his seat and began pacing the room. He stopped in his tracks and turned in my direction. I nodded at him, hoping to give him the courage to continue. He came over and stood next to me.

“I’m gay.” He slid his hand into mine. “And Reagan is more than my friend.”

Mari’s smile dawned like sunshine. Jackson stared at the two of us like he’d never seen either one of us before. Monty laughed and jumped up from his chair.

“I knew it.”

Sawyer’s head snapped in his direction. “What do you mean you knew?”

“I’m an observant motherfucker.” He pointed between the two of us. “I saw the way you watched him. No guy watches another guy that way unless he wants in his pants.”

“Jesus fuck, Monty,” Heath scolded, but Sawyer wasn’t done.

“You knew and didn’t say anything? Why?”

Monty stopped laughing and faced us head-on. “It was your secret to tell. I figured when you were ready, you’d tell us. Until then, it wasn’t my business.”

“And you’re not pissed I didn’t mention it before?”

Monty shrugged. “I figured you had your reasons.”

“I did. But the more I think about them, the more ridiculous I realize they are.”

Monty turned to me. “So, just an old friend from high school?”

I laughed. “Up until a month ago, that’s exactly what I was. Things change.”

The corners of his mouth turned up. “I’m happy for you two. Maybe now you’ll stop writing such brooding songs.”

“Maybe, maybe not.”

Sawyer’s hand squeezed mine. I could see the release of tension from his shoulders. It was as if the weight of the world had been lifted from them. A smile tugged at the corner of his lips. I wanted to press a kiss to those inviting lips. I glanced around the room first wondering how people would react to seeing us kiss. That’s when I noticed Jackson still hadn’t moved or said a word. In Monty’s uproar, I’d forgotten about Jackson. I nudged Sawyer in the ribs. When he focused in on me, I gestured my head to the corner where Jackson sat.

Sawyer let go of my hand and walked around Monty to stand in front of Jackson. “What about you, man? Does me being gay bother you?”

Jackson looked up as if he’d just figured out that Sawyer stood in front of him. “What?”

“I asked if it bothers you.”

Without a word, Jackson stood and pushed past Sawyer to walk out the front door.

“Fuck,” Sawyer cursed, plunging his hands into his hair and tugging on it.

I couldn’t stand by any longer. I pushed off the wall and went to Sawyer. When we were kids, I refused to let the jerks who tried to push Sawyer around ’cause he was in band get away with that shit. Even after he got big enough to take care of himself, it didn’t stop me from watching out for him.

He still hadn’t turned from the empty seat vacated by Jackson. I took his shoulders in my hands and turned him to face me. The color had drained from his face. Ignoring the reactions of everyone else in the room, I pulled him close and said only loud enough for him to hear, “What can I do?”

His eyes met mine. The sadness and worry reflected in them was devastating. “Nothing.” He spun out of my hold and disappeared down the hall, presumably to his room. That was the first time since he kissed me that he’d walked away like that.

“Christ, this is a mess.” Heath sighed.

I turned to see him looking down at Mari, who now had tears in her eyes.

“What do we do?” I asked the room, hoping one of them would have an idea of how to bring them back together.

“I need to figure out why Jackson’s so pissed off right now.” Heath looked at Mari, then over at Monty.

Monty flopped back down into his seat. “If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say he’s pissed because everyone knew but him.”

“Maybe, but that’s not what Sawyer is thinking right now. He’s pacing his room worried he single-handedly destroyed the band because Jackson hates him and the fact he’s gay,” I said.

“Shit,” Cole spoke for the first time since the whole shitshow started.

I started toward the hall. “I’m going to get Sawyer to come back out here, but I need someone to get Jackson to listen to him if he does.” Heath stood and pointed at me. “Go deal with Sawyer. We’ll,” he said, gesturing to everyone else in the room, “go and calm Jackson down. He doesn’t hate Sawyer. It won’t matter that he’s gay. I think Monty’s right. He’ll get over it in a minute.”

Jackson wasn’t something I could worry about right then. I followed Sawyer’s path down the hall and opened the door. True to my word, Sawyer was wearing a hole in the middle of the floor. I shut the door behind me and locked it. Right now, there was no need to have an audience for our conversation. Knowing there were very few things that would calm him down, I stepped into his path and tilted his face up to meet mine. His eyes glistened.

“Everything is going to be fine.” I pressed my lips to his.

After a moment, he took a step back. “How can you say that? I just ruined everything we worked so hard for over the last few years.”

I took hold of his shoulders and gave him a brief shake. “That’s bullshit and you know it. He’s pissed because he’s the only one who didn’t know.”

“How can you be sure?”

“I can’t be positive, but he has no reason to hate you, and everyone agrees. They’re talking to Jackson now.” I took his hand and led him to the end of the bed to sit down and relax for a few minutes.

I took his chin between my thumb and forefinger, holding him in front of me. This was not the confident Sawyer I knew staring back at me. A shadow of doubt lingered in his eyes and I wanted to figure out a way to remove it, whether it had to do with me or not. “Talk to me. Do you truly believe you’ve just destroyed the band? Or is it something else that has you hiding instead of confronting Jackson like I know you normally would.”

He tried to pull his face from my grasp, but I wouldn’t let him. I needed to look in his eyes as he answered me. Slowly lowering to my knees, I kept the connection of our gazes. A sigh left his lips.

“A little bit of both. I guess a part of me knows they wouldn’t care, but I wonder how it will affect our sales if the press gets wind of it. Or what will happen with your job?”

When it was clear he wasn’t going to try and pull away from me, I let go of his chin and ran my hands up and down his thighs. “And what if they never find out?” In reality, the idea seemed impossible, except a part of me hoped it wasn’t. I knew the partners would be very accepting of our relationship and until I figured out where else to go, I needed the job. How could you hide a relationship from anyone indefinitely? And that left me as the dirty little secret, something I didn’t want to really think about then.

“You want to hide this forever?” He gestured between the two of us.

“No, I can’t imagine I would, but everything between us is so new, I’m perfectly okay with staying out of the limelight for a while.”

He lifted a brow. “Forever.”

“Not forever. At some point sneaking around won’t be enough for either of us. Today is not that day. And until I find a firm whose opinion on gay associates is higher than my current one, I need it to stay quiet. But someday that won’t be a problem.”

He closed his eyes and flopped back onto his bed. “Why do I feel like I’m pushing you and you’re going to hate me in the end?”

Did he really believe that? After coming back here the night he kissed me to the time we’d spent together over the last few weeks, the weight of his words pressed in on my chest, making it difficult to breathe. I’d do just about anything to see him smile or laugh. My hands continued to run up and down his thighs, trying to offer comfort, except at the same time I was beginning to drive myself crazy. My own cock began to harden as I felt the muscles beneath my fingertips flex and jump with each stroke of my hand.

I wanted to show him how much he wasn’t pushing me into anything. The button and zipper of his jeans were just out of reach as my fingers slid higher and higher with each pass. My thumbs lightly grazed over the outline of his cock, feeling it begin to swell and harden. Finally, I reached the top and in seconds had his pants undone and his dick in my hand.

The mushroom head begged to be tasted. Knowing what I liked, I swirled my thumb over the head. It still seemed weird to have a dick that wasn’t my own in my palm, yet somehow it felt right. This was more about jerking him off. We’d done that. To prove it was my choice to be there, it needed to be more. So, for the first time in my life, I bent my head and stuck my tongue out to lick across the tip. The salty taste of him hit my tongue. Not once did I let my gaze waver from his. His eyes snapped open, locking with mine.

“What are you doing?”

“Showing you I’m here because I want to be here.” I did it again and enjoyed the soft moan that left the back of his throat.

“Fuck, everyone is out there and you choose to suck my dick for the first time right now.”

With my free hand, I reached up and covered his lips. “Yep. I guess you better be quiet then. Now lie back and I’ll do my best to make sure you enjoy it.”

I bent my head and wrapped my lips around the head of his cock. Since I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, I figured the best thing to do would be everything I liked. I swirled my tongue around the tip again as his fingers slid into my hair. For a moment, I thought he might hold my head in place. When his grip on my hair tried to pull me back, I swatted his hand away. We both needed this.

“Let me do this for you, even if I’m bad at it.” I begged him with my eyes and flicked my tongue, drawing a line up the underside of his cock.

A guttural moan tore past his lips and the hand against the back of my head released its grip, pushing me toward his prick instead. Opening my mouth, I took him back in my mouth and drew him in as far as I could go. He was too big to take to the back of my throat without any practice. That was something I’d have to work on. And I had little doubt Sawyer would mind being my practice dummy.

“Oh fuck,” he cursed. “You could never be bad at this. Just the thought of you with your lips around me has me ready to blow my load in seconds.”

I lifted my head and wrapped a hand around his shaft, gliding it up and down. “You better not come yet, or I’ll stop and this is all you’ll get.” For emphasis, I moved my hand to the base of his cock and squeezed hard enough to slow him down.

“Shit, don’t stop. Don’t stop.”

With a smirk, I lowered my head again, sucking him down and using my hand to add extra friction along his dick. Each sound and curse that came from Sawyer’s lips pushed me even further. He fisted his other hand into the sheets by his side, his knuckles turning white. I used my free hand to take hold of his balls and swirled them around in my palm. Knowing how much I liked the head of my cock played with, I drew my lips back up him and went to work on the tip, sucking and tonguing the slit.

“Fuck… Oh Fuck, I’m gonna come,” he called out, once again tugging on my hair.

My first instinct was to pull off and jerk him through his release, but something stopped me. I wanted to take him all the way and if that meant swallowing on my first ever blow job, then that’s what I’d do. My dick pulsed in my jeans. I bent my head and increased the suction I had on him. His body jerked and the first jet of hot come hit the back of my throat. Without any other option, I swallowed him down, just in time for a second and third jet to hit me. I didn’t pull off until his dick began to soften in my mouth.

His eyes were closed as he panted for air. Damn, I knew how to torture myself. I was so hard, I had no doubt I could pound nails into a two by four. There was no time for relief, so I reached down into the top of my jeans and snaked my way down until I was able to wrap my hand around my prick and squeeze. No way did I want to spend the rest of the night stuck in soggy jeans.

I assumed I’d done an okay job when Sawyer lifted his head and gone was the worry in his eyes. It had been replaced by a deep satisfaction and sense of relief.

“That was incredible. I’m not sure I can move.”