CHAPTER 22

Reagan

 

I noticed Sawyer’s eyes darting around the room, as the hostess led us to a table in the back. She handed us the menus and was on her way. Sawyer was quick to open his menu and practically cover his face with it while he pretended to decide on dinner.

“You can stop hiding now,” I said, leaning back in my seat, crossing my arms over my chest.

He lowered his menu by a fraction of an inch. “I’m not hiding.”

I hooked my finger in the top of the menu and pulled it back down to the table. “Yes, you are. What are you afraid of?”

“I told you this was a bad idea. Someone’s going to figure it out.”

“What, ’cause two guys are having dinner together? Do you automatically assume every time you see two guys in a restaurant together that they’re gay?”

“Well, no…”

“Exactly. No, because that’s fucking ridiculous. No one knows what’s going on here, besides the fact we’re fighting.”

His brows drew together. “And how would they know that?”

“They can see it in our body language. Now, if I really wanted people to know, I could climb in your lap and cover your lips with mine. That I’m sure would be a dead giveaway.”

His eyes widened. “You wouldn’t.”

I let the question linger in the air for a moment. “You’re right, I wouldn’t, but only because I respect your reason for keeping all of this quiet for now.”

“Thank—”

I held up a hand. “Don’t thank me yet.”

He opened his mouth to ask why when the waiter interrupted our conversation to take our order. Once he’d walked away, Sawyer looked at me expectantly. “Why not?”

“Because you’re going to give me one good reason why we should keep our relationship hidden from the rest of the band. Mari and Heath know, but I still don’t understand why you never told Jackson or Monty.”

He closed his eyes and sighed. “I doubt you’ll understand.”

My skin prickled. I’d forgiven him for keeping the secret from me for so many years. With all the pieces in place, I may not have liked what he’d done, but I understood it. With Jackson and Monty, there was no reason I could think of not to tell them. He didn’t want either of them in a romantic sense. Which left me trying to figure out why he kept them in the dark.

“Then explain it to me,” I snapped.

He grumbled and leaned his elbows on the table. “My entire life, besides you, music has been the one constant. The one thing I could turn to no matter what might be going on with the rest of my life. When I came to college, I made the decision that I’d let music take me wherever it might lead. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine where it would lead me, even though I hoped.”

“I know this. Even though you didn’t always say it out loud, I knew you wanted to spend your life making music. That still doesn’t explain why Monty and Jackson don’t know.”

He dropped his head for a moment before looking back up at me, his gaze intent. “You’re right. Deep down I wanted to be a rock star, but I never wanted to be labeled the gay rock star.” His voice lowered on the last part. “I wanted people to respect me for my music, not who I did or didn’t sleep with. I was afraid Jackson and Monty would never see me in the same light again. That if I was out and proud and we failed, would it be my fault?”

I watched the haunted look take over his features and I wished more than anything that I could offer him comfort. Since we were in public, the only thing I had to give him were reassurances.

“You have no idea how much I wish I could reach over and hold your hand right now. To show you I’ll be there for you no matter what anyone else thinks, but I can’t. I understand why you wouldn’t want the whole world to know, hell, I doubt very much the partners at the firm would understand, but the band isn’t the whole world. What I can tell you is that your friends would never see you in that light. Not the people I met at the concert that first night. They’d respect your decisions. And you should know that based on Mari’s and Heath’s reactions when you told them.”

He shook his head. “You can’t guarantee they won’t care.”

“You’re right,” I agree. “There are no guarantees in life. Doesn’t mean you can hide from it forever.”

He grimaced. “I can try.”

“And what happens when they figure it out, or someone else does and tells them? What then? Do you deny everything about us to save your own skin?”

“I would never deny what you mean to me.”

“How do you think Monty and Jackson will feel when they find out from someone else?”

He rested his arms on the table. “I think they’d be pissed.”

“Then you need to tell them. Be honest with yourself. We can hide this from the rest of the world, no problem. But we won’t be able to hide it from them. Not if you expect me to be around them with you.”

I let that statement linger there for a second. He tilted his head back and forth like he was weighing his options. “You need to tell them.”

He blew out a breath, his eyes focused on the table in front of us. “You’re right. Deep down, I know you’re right. Doesn’t make it any less scary.”

“Don’t be scared. We’ll figure it out together.”

“Goddamn, I wanna reach across this table and touch you. And since I can’t, you better be prepared later. I’m not letting either of us out of bed, until we’re too exhausted to move.”

I hummed in the back of my throat. Many different images paraded across my mind and I had to suppress a shiver at the thought. “I’m totally on board with that.”

“Good, but right now I wanna know what you mean about the partners at your firm not being happy about you being in a relationship with a guy?”

I set my fork down slightly disgusted with their behavior.

“Last week, we had a couple come into the office to hire us to help complete all the legal paperwork for their newest business. Everything was going well, until one of the men reached over and held the other’s hand. One of the partners, with fake politeness, had them leave the office. Told us his firm wouldn’t represent a faggot.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“Tell me about it. But now you understand why I can’t tell them just yet.”

The waiter dropped off our drinks and appetizer. Starving didn’t begin to describe how I felt. I tucked into my food, inhaling the small portion in no time. Sawyer brought his fork to his lips.

“That song was about me, wasn’t it?”

His hand froze and he stared at me for a second, setting his fork on his plate.

“I hoped you didn’t notice.” He glanced away and I wanted so badly to grip his chin and turn his face back to mine.

“Of course I noticed. Is that how you really felt about me?”

Sawyer was quiet for a long moment, playing with different things on the table before looking up and holding my gaze. “Yes.”

“I wish I had known.”

“Do you really think it would have changed something back then?”

I thought about that for a moment. He had a point. Would knowing my best friend wanted to be more than friends have changed my mind? I hated to say it, but I doubted it. Shamefully, I probably would have pushed him away. I’d never thought about another guy in my entire life. Then again, maybe it was always there. Sawyer caught me in an unguarded moment the first time he kissed me. I didn’t have a chance to think and simply reacted. And I wouldn’t change it for the world.

“No, but only because I don’t think I was ready to hear it then.”

“And now?”

“Now, I thank fuck every day that you kissed me.”

A grin appeared on his lips. “Me too.”

“I’m sorry I hurt you all those years.”

“It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know and that’s on me.” Sawyer picked up his drink and brought the glass to his lips.

“Doesn’t make me feel any less bad.”

He set the glass down. “I’ll tell you what, you can make it up to me someday.”

“And how’s that?”

He winked. “I’m sure you’ll figure out away.”

“I can only imagine what you have in mind.”

“You have no idea.”

He pulled out his phone, typing away. Suddenly, I worried he was looking up all the different ways we could have sex. We hadn’t gotten to more than Sawyer giving me blow jobs and rubbing off on one another, but I knew at some point we would move past that. “What are you doing?” I asked suspiciously.

He glanced up, a smirk on his lips.

Oh shit.

“Texting Mari. If we’re going to talk to the band about our relationship, then we need the big guns.”

“Big guns?”

He glanced back down at his phone. “Good. She says she’ll help us.”

“Help us with what? What do you mean big guns?”

“Food. All big band conversations revolve around food, but Mari is the best cook among us.”

I narrowed my eyes. “I know for a fact your parents taught you how to cook when we were growing up.”

He laughed and picked his fork back up. “They did, but nothing like the shit Mari can make.”

“Better you than me.”

“So you never learned how to cook?”

I laughed. “That’s an understatement. I gave up after I set a pan on fire in my senior year of college. After that I made sure to order out or eat on campus.”

“What were you trying to make?” Sawyer lifted the beer to his lips.

“Ramen.”

Sawyer’s eyes bulged. For one moment, I thought about holding up my napkin in front of my face in case his beer decided to make a reappearance out of his nose and into my lap. After a moment, he chocked down the liquid and laughed. When our food was delivered, Sawyer jumped in right away, but something had been bugging me. I couldn’t stop myself from asking.

“Did you sleep with any of the girls you dated in high school?”

Sawyer stared at me. “Out of all the things you’d want to know, that’s what you choose?”

“What? I’m curious. You always had a different girl on your arm. I would have never guessed you were gay based on that alone. So I’m curious, did you sleep with them?”

He lifted one arm in a shrug, his eyes planted firmly on the table. “I slept with some of them. Only hooked up with others. I was still trying to figure it all out myself back then. I figured not being with them would give me away. After so long, I knew there was no way to come out, so I kept up the mirage.”

“I’m sorry. That had to suck. Not being able to be yourself.”

“It did a little, but honestly, I wasn’t even sure who I was then. I knew what I wanted, not that I understood any of it.” He started to reach his hand across the table and quickly pulled it back, shaking his head. “Sometimes I forget where I am when I’m with you. Now you know why I had to leave the way I did. I needed a chance to figure out who I was without thinking about you all the time. I know I hurt you. You have no idea how sorry I will always be for it.”

“It’s okay. We found our way back to each other. Not that I ever imagined ending up together, together. I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

“God, I’m going to kiss the fuck out of you when we get in the car.” He pointed at my plate with his fork. “Hurry up and eat. I have plans for you tonight.”

Sawyer always ate fast, but I’d never seen him shovel food in that quickly before. If I hadn’t known better, I would have thought he was in one of those food eating contests. In no time, his plate was completely clear. He hurried me along, except I had no plans on eating at warp speed. He started drumming his fingers on the table while he waited for me to finish. By the time I took the last bite, the waitress had shown up to clear our plates. Sawyer didn’t even let her finish the question about dessert before he said no. He gave me a wink as the waitress dropped the check and walked away. A quick fight about who would pay ensued. The cash in the billfold and my wallet a little lighter, we stepped into the cool night air.

“You didn’t have to pay for dinner,” he said as we reached the car.

“No, but I’m counting this as a date, so I paid for dinner.”

“Don’t you dare compare me to a chick. I don’t need to be taken to dinner.” I climbed into the seat and watched as Sawyer did the same thing, slamming the door behind him.

“No way I could compare you to a chick.” I reached over and cupped him over his pants. “Besides, you’re paying next time.”

“Fair enough.” That seemed to brighten his mood. “Now get us back to my place.”

Heat lit Sawyer’s eyes. I had no doubt that whatever he had planned, I was guaranteed to come like an explosion. It was how it had been since the first day. I’d expected them to lessen as the newness wore off, but the opposite happened. They seem to grow stronger. All I knew was I couldn’t get enough of Sawyer’s hands on me. Odd considered I tired of the women in my bed fairly quickly.

I parked the car at the curb, seeing Heath’s car missing. I didn’t want to be blocked in when he returned home. Hopefully, that was much later in the night.

Sawyer practically ran to the door, but struggled with the lock in his haste to get there. I strolled to the door, letting Sawyer get worked up over my slow pace. He grabbed my hand and yanked me through the front door.

“Now you’re all mine.”

His lips crashed down over mine and suddenly it didn’t matter what he wanted to do to me, I’d love every minute of it. In a tangle of limbs we made it to the bedroom without killing ourselves. Once we hit the bedroom, we began dropping clothes on the way to bed. Naked and twisted around one another, I captured his mouth, pushing my tongue between his lips to taste his.

His kisses seared every part of me. He snaked a hand down to wrap around my dick. I slid my hands down his back until I reached the top of his crack. Unsure of what to do, I kept my hand moving to cup his ass cheek.

Sawyer tore his mouth from mine. “I wanna try something.”

My brain was a cloud of lust, but I managed to push a ‘yes’ past my lips.

He leaned over me, pulling something out of the drawer. But when his lips lowered over my cock, I stopped thinking altogether.

I was a ball of sensation and the only thing that mattered was the hot mouth currently drinking down my cock.

Something cool slid down the crack of my ass and my hips bucked back to get away from it.

Sawyer pulled his mouth off me and rested a hand on my stomach. “Easy.”

“Can’t say I expected that.” No one had ever touched my ass there before.

“Trust me. I’ll make you come for days.”

“Days?”

“Okay, slight exaggeration, but it’ll feel like it lasted for days.” He kept his eyes locked on mine. “Trust me?”

I couldn’t say no to him. I’d always trusted him with everything and I wouldn’t stop now.

“Yes,” I panted. “Suck me.”

“We’re going to have to work on that bossiness.”

“Whatever…just make me come.”

“As you wish.”

He took my cock into his mouth again and I sighed at the pleasure. The man had a wicked tongue. This time, I was ready for the cool finger as it rang along my crease. The muscles in my thighs quivered at the first graze over my hole.

I had no idea something so simple could feel so good. Back and forth, Sawyer continued to circle my hole. My body on fire, my ass bucked against his finger.

“Ready for more?”

“Mmmhmm,” I groaned, unable to form a word, and that was before I felt a finger push into me. There was a slight burn.

“Easy,” Sawyer said, lowering his head once again. The moment his lips touched my dick I forgot all about it as his finger slipped deeper. He pulled it out and pushed back in quickly, the movement stealing my breath. And that was before he crooked his finger, pressing on a spot that made me see stars.

Unable to stop it, my dick erupted into Sawyer’s mouth. It happened so fast I thought I might black out from the sheer pleasure. Sawyer kept sucking me through the longest orgasm of my life. He hadn’t been lying.

By the time he pulled off, my body was completely wrung out. “I don’t think I can move.”

Sawyer leaned up and pressed a kiss to my lips. At first I thought it would be weird to taste myself on his lips, but it wasn’t. If I could have gotten hard again, I would have. “Good thing you don’t have to.”

He curled his body around mine, resting his head on my chest.

“I need to take care of you,” I argued, my eyes still closed.

“You can do that in the morning. Get some sleep.”

He pressed a kiss to my cheek. It wasn’t passion or desire filled. Just a sweet kiss letting me know he was still there. And that was more important to me than anything else.