I’ve been lying in this empty, cold bed for the past two hours. Sleep is not easy for me tonight. My mind continuously recycles the evening’s events and the complete fool I was. Even though I behaved like a jackass, I can’t help my reaction. I mean, I am a fucking guy, after all.

How could I not respond to Jenny and the way she touched herself? The way her hands rubbed herself as she squeezed her thighs together had my whole body jerking. I was in complete awe at how beautiful she looked when coming. Her entire body moved with a sensual grace that I’ve never seen before.

I immediately get hard again. I’ve had a permanent erection since I saw her in the bathroom earlier tonight. Seeing her play has increased my desire to stroke my cock. Reaching under the covers, my hand grabs my hardness in need of relief. My fingers take their hold with just the right amount of pressure. My hand slowly rises up and down. My rhythm quickly changes, and the pace is unyielding. It’s almost painful but pleasurable.

Kicking the covers off, I let go of it all my thoughts and find my release. As soon as I’m finished, I immediately chastise myself. As badly as I wanted to come, it just doesn’t feel right. Guilt washes over me. I don’t deserve any pleasure right now.

“Fuck!” I yell into the darkness of my room. Getting up, I clean myself up quickly and begin pacing the room. I place my hands on the top of my head and lock them. My steps are meticulous in nature, retracing each one and creating a path. Inhaling in, I try, in vain, to think of something else, but it’s no use.

First, I attempt to picture my last rugby game. I think of the ball flying out to the wings, setting up the perfect formation as we run down the pitch. I’m on the outside awaiting the toss to run my ass off into the try zone. I keep my energy focused on the game as my hard on dissipates.

Stopping at the window sill, I relive the win and celebration as I look out into the night sky. Unfortunately, my mind won’t allow me to stray from Jenny for too long. And why should it? The barn is right in front of me. My mind goes back to the wine cellar. There’s no escaping that memory of her. I feel like I just tarnished her by giving in to my own boyish needs. Perhaps she’s been right about me all along.

Throwing some pants on, I head downstairs to get some air and, hopefully, a fresh perspective. The lights at the end of the vine rows are illuminated and it feels magical, as if something great is going to happen. I pluck a grape and pop it in my mouth. This is my idea of home, always has been. No matter how shitty things were in my life, I could always come here and find some peace.

It’s the little things like eating a juicy grape that bring back so many memories. Some I welcome but many I wish to forget. My life growing up wasn’t picture perfect like Jenny or Ben’s. It’s my curse and cross to bear.

Picking a few more grapes off, I continue to eat them while my mind drifts to my mom. Once my mind goes there, it’s like a flood, so I let it drown me.

School just got out and I’m running home. Instead of celebrating the last day with my friends, I increased my speed to get home to check in on my mom. The past few days had been bad ones. She was either distant and unresponsive or crying in her room. Anytime I tried to talk and help her she would pat my head and tell me she was fine and to go away.

So I went away.

I escaped to Ben’s house. All the time. But that morning felt different, off somehow. She was acting way too happy and talkative. She hadn't been that way in a really long time.

The sinking feeling that had been present in the pit of my stomach all day felt like I was going under. My pace increased as I tried to shake off my nerves. The last time I felt like this, I found her on the floor surrounded by pills and photographs.

My house was finally within sight. I said a silent prayer that she was all right. Busting open the back door that led into the kitchen, I frantically looked around searching for her. As I moved further into the room, my feet seemed to be stuck in place. As much as I wanted to find her, I was scared as hell as to what I would discover. My heart rate kicked up again as the adrenaline flushed through my veins. I made myself take a few more steps, small at first but then longer.

As I entered the kitchen, my senses kicked in. I was hit with a chocolaty smell and the sweet sounds of my mom singing. My eyes caught sight of her as she pulled out a tray of my favorite cookies. My mouth salivated, knowing the goodness that was going to enter it. She was smiling at me while moving toward me with her arms wide open. Folding me into one of her bear hugs, I immediately felt relief and love. She was okay this time, but what about the next time?

Swallowing the last grape, I realize that was one of the last times I saw my mom happy. Soon after, she fell into a state of depression that she never came back from. I watched the two most important people in my life disappear; my mom within herself and my dad away from us. The heavy weight bearing down on my chest crushes me. My hand tries to massage it to relieve the pressure, but it doesn’t. It never really does.

My body goes on autopilot and makes a beeline for the barn. “Fuck this shit. I need a drink.” I’m not sure what compels me to want to go inside. I mean I’ve been trying to avoid that memory all night. However, alcohol always wins.

As I approach the barn, I have a nagging feeling that I’m being watched. It’s weird because it’s like three in the morning and everyone’s asleep. Pausing, I take a look around but notice nothing unusual. As I turn my body back to the barn door, my eyes flick up to the house. That’s when I see her, I mean really see her.

In the shadows of the moonlight, I see the outline of her amazing figure, and she literally takes my breath away. Even though the light is low, I sense her eyes on me. I match her stare in the darkness. I have no idea how long we stay this way but as far as I’m concerned, I would stay here all night.

My body stays completely still and takes her all in. Deep rooted feelings for her flow through me. Feelings that I wouldn’t let surface out of fear that someone actually matters to me.

In the stillness of that moment, I realize I won’t turn away again. I want my stare to convey everything I feel for her. Watching her watch me soothes me in a way I’ve never known.

That’s when it hits me like a ton of bricks. Jenny is it for me. She will always be it for me. There is no doubt.

Like a moth to a flame she draws me in closer. Do I dare take a step? Move myself toward her? My legs answer for me as I take my first step. Before I can complete my forward motion, she turns away from me. My heart and body miss her instantly and I feel the loss. My legs continue their propulsion without hesitation. Talking into the silent air, I let my words fill it up. “Forget the drink, I’m going for the girl.”