My body backs away out of instinct. I have always backed away. It’s my internal reaction and habit. It’s as if my brain and body go on autopilot and know when to shut down and get the fuck out.

My eyes look back at hers and see the pain and resentment. It’s what has been festering for years.

As my body steps away, her hands briefly reach out to me but I can’t touch her right now. I have no idea what to say or do. She said it was her own decision, but deep down I know I pushed her in that direction. I made her pain so great that she reacted in a way that neither one of us can take back.

How do I make things right with this?

I can only manage to get out that I wasn’t expecting that. Her body turns around and moves to the other side of the room. Our divide is too great, like a chasm that is wide, expansive and deep. My chest hurts as my breaths get shorter. I can feel an anxiety attack coming on. I haven’t had one in years but it’s happening now.

My head fills with an intense dizziness and lightness. My eyes get hazy as an overwhelming heat rushes through my body. My heart rate is now on its way up to the point that I need to sit down or I’ll fall. My feet slowly back up as I bend over, hoping I’m near the couch. Jenny must sense something is wrong with me because I feel her presence almost immediately. Her hands are on my back as my head hangs between my knees.

“Just breathe, Jack. Just breathe. I’m here. Just breathe.” She slowly runs her hands down my back in a soft rhythmic motion that comforts me like my mom used to. Her voice is soft and melodic as she tells me to breathe. “Deep breaths, Jack. In and out. Breathe for you and breathe for me.”

Fuck, she’s asking me to breathe for her. It forces me to snap into action to take as deep as an inhale I can. For her. She’s my lifeline through this. I focus on her voice and my breathing until I can only hear her breathing with me. Our breaths are in unison. Synched.

Slowly my body returns to normal or at least a calmer state. My head lifts up to stare into the most amazing woman I have ever known. There’s no way in hell I’m letting her go without a fight.

“I won’t give up on us, Jenny. Not now. Not ever.”

I take her into me as I lean back on the couch. My heart is beating at a normal rate again as my body temperature cools down. She rests her head on my chest as we continue to inhale and exhale together. It has to be one of the most intimate moments of my life.

She has seen my vulnerability and stayed with me. “Jenny, you are here for me always. You have no idea how much that means to me. How complete I feel with you here.”

Her head lifts off mine as her lips find my forehead. She plants several soft kisses across it that comfort me. “I will always be here for you. You can count on me for anything. No matter what. That’s what I like to think loving someone is about.”

She’s right. Being present and there for her is what total love must mean. Going through the good and all the bad, the no matters, or what-ifs. I won’t give up and I mean it. I saw so much sadness with my parents that they became alone and divided.

“I want to fix this for us. Tell me what you want and need and I will do it. I love you too much to let this go so easily.” Her hands rest on my knees and I cover them with mine. This touch is my lifeline to her right now. Her eyes gloss over as wetness teeters over the edge.

“You can’t erase the past, Jack. No one can. I guess I need to figure out how to let things go before we can move forward. It’s not just the choice I made years ago. It’s what happened earlier today, too.”

My hands squeeze hers in a gentle way to let her know I’m listening. “Jenny, I’m not sure what you are talking about, but please tell me. Let’s talk it through.” She tries to let both my hands go but I grip them decisively. I need to hang onto her and not just physically. I manage to hang onto one.

“It’s not just your past, Jack. It was the newspaper clipping and then the game today.”

My chest hurts but I won’t let go of her. “The paper is crap. The game?” I can’t finish my thoughts because I don’t know she’s talking about.

“I saw you with that girl before the game. She was touching you and you responded by wrapping your arms around her. Your body was moving into hers, and her hands were too familiar with your body. It was like I was reliving what you did to me so long ago. The flashbacks of that night overtook me and I couldn’t shake off the sadness, pain, and my personal regrets.”

My hand pulls her hand to my heart and I hold it there. “Her? She’s nothing to me. She pulled me in and I actually pushed her off of me. The contact sickened me because I only want to feel your touch on me. No one else’s ever again.”

Her body draws me into her like an invisible force. It’s weak now but with each passing minute it grows stronger. I can feel the energy shifting. This is a crucial moment for us. The absolute terror I feel is worse than the panic attack I just had. “You’re all I want, Jenny. Now and forever. You are my always. No one else matters. Just you and me.”

My lips tenderly touch her cheek for I need them on her. “Neither of us is perfect, but I have to believe it’s how we deal with the imperfections that make us. Giving up now is too easy. It’s dealing with the hard shit that defines us.”

She nods her head in agreement and hope flushes inside me. There’s no giving up when it comes to her. “Jack, I agree with everything you said. I just think I need some time to figure things out. A lot of feelings overcame me today that I need to deal with before we can move on.”

“Time? What are you saying, Jenny?” The calm lightness I felt is gone in an instant. “Tell me now. Just fucking say it.” I’m seeing red as my old self rears its ugly head and my volume increases.

“Stop, Jack. Take a minute. I’m saying I need time to deal with my feelings. Everything’s happening so fast, and there’s a lot of shit in our past. Things we need to talk about before we can have a future.”

Although I’m raging inside, I mentally will myself to chill out. I don’t want to be my father and my anger is showing. She’s the one person I never want to push away.

“Jack, I want things to work for us but quite frankly, I’m scared shitless. You frighten me. I don’t want to feel what I felt today ever again. So please give me some room to deal with it.” Her hand touches my chest and it grounds me. “That’s all I ask of you. Love me enough to let me be for a bit.”

Then she hits me with a right hook that knocks the wind out of me. “I love you, Jack, but is our love enough? Only time will tell. Please understand I need this.”

The way she’s looking at me I feel compelled to give her what she needs. The reality of the moment is it doesn’t matter what I say. Her mind is made up and I have to accept it for now. “I don’t get it completely, but I’ll give you what you need. Just know this, you are it for me. There will never be anyone else. So please, I beg you, as you take your space remember that you are all I ever want.”

She pulls me into an embrace that feels desperate in nature. Is it one last goodbye? Does she not feel any hope for us? As usual, I’m clueless with all this shit. Every experience with Jenny I gain clarity of her. The rest of my life is crap but I’ve learned with her. The lucidity sucks but it's making me a better person for it.

“I meant what I said, I won’t give up on us. Not now or not ever. I will keep fighting for you because you are the only one that matters, Jenny. Always.”

With those words, she kisses me on the cheek and gets up. I can’t watch her walk away from me, so instead I sit and listen as her footsteps move down the hall and she turns the door handle. Faintly I hear, “Goodbye, Jack. I love you.”

The door slams shut like my heart, and the silent loneliness breaks me. I haven’t let myself cry in a long ass time, but right now, there isn’t a damn thing I can do to stop it.