I look back at my reflection. I’ve always looked good in a tux. I clean up well, although I prefer getting in the dirt and working the land. I miss working at the vineyard; it was my stillness. To cultivate and grow something that you planted is inspiring and fulfilling.

Sure, what I do now is fine, but it doesn’t speak to me like the grapes do. It’s the core of who I am. It centers me like she does. Being around her is my peace. The constant war that occupies my mind disappears when she’s near.

For the past few days, my brain has been having quite the rager, battling back and forth over what I should do next. No side I choose wins.

On the one hand, I could approach her and be my usual cocky ass. It’s how I operate. She enjoys the banter and it sets in motion our passion and fire. However, it only touches the surface and never lets us go deep.

On the other hand, I can be honest and tell her my fears, my weaknesses, my failures, the real me. The one I only let her see when I choose to let her inside. It’s a hell of a lot safer than telling her I need to fix myself before I can fully love her the way she needs me to. She ought to have more than that from me.

Taking a step back, I turn in haste because I don’t like what I’m looking at anymore. I feel my old self rearing its ugly head. My phone dings alerting me to a message from Ben. I swipe the screen to see one word in all caps and immediately know what his issue is.

Ben: HELP!

With one touch of a button, I’m calling him and reassuring him that all will be ok. “Listen, man, it will all work out. You need to trust how you feel and go for it. Be happy. For once, do what makes you happy. Don’t think, just do.” He doesn’t say a word; he only sighs and then hangs up.

I put my phone in my pocket and head toward the door. My body and mind betray me with the memory of me pushing her against this wall. No one turns me on like she does. She gets me like no one else. The problem is I’m so used to my façade that being real is scary and mentally exhausting.

Perhaps I should take my own advice? Not think and just do. I hope that when I see her tonight my thoughts will speak my truth…even if it’s ugly. It will be me.

* * *

I watch her walk in. She hasn’t noticed me yet. But I see her. I watch how she looks at others and smiles. Occasionally, her hand lifts to wave or kiss someone on the cheek. Her movements are slow and graceful. She’s barely moving, but it’s as if her body dances. I need her to dance only for me.

She stirs me to life. I’m alive when she’s near.

I place myself strategically behind a plant so that I can watch her a little bit longer. It seems creepy but I don’t care. When she sees me, she could be super pissed or ignore me. You never know with Jenny. Her erratic emotions are a wave you have to ride. She’s a spitfire and I love her more for that.

She’s at the bar with Sam as Ben approaches them. Sam storms off and it doesn’t look good. I can see that she’s not happy. It’s getting a bit painful to watch. Ben doesn’t look too psyched right now, either. I feel compelled to save him, but sadly this could mean my downfall. She’s already mad but that’s ok. I know that side of her well. I can handle her anger. It’s when she gets real and pushes me that I cave and hide.

I overhear her telling, or more like yelling, to get out there and be with Sam and to stop being a coward. Even though she’s right, Ben needs a bit more motivation and I know exactly how to do it.

She storms off and bumps right into me. Her face looks up and immediately turns pale. She stands there with her eyes fixed on mine. No words leave her mouth, which is shocking. She talks enough for both of us.

The silence is deafening and painful. We never have it. We fill up our space with our words and bodies. We are never quiet.

As our stillness continues, I sense that she’s waiting for me to say something. The only thing that comes to mind is pulling her body into a hug. My arms fold around her. This is the first time I have felt complete since she left over a week ago.

What’s even better is that she lets me hold her. The concept of time has stopped for me. My entire night could be spent only doing this. Her hug is home, she is my home. Her body feels right against mine and her touch completes me.

Eventually, I feel her hands push into my chest as her head lifts. Her body is separating from mine as she fully pulls away. My hands reach for hers, and our eyes meet again. I see her tears while her head shakes. I know to let her go.

She walks away without any words spoken. Fuck, our silence kills me.