I can feel his eyes on me all night long. I know he’s staring at me. His presence consumes me, it always has. I’ve spent most of my life studying him. He was my crush, and as much as I want to turn my brain off from him, I can never seem to do it. Even though I’m pissed as hell and totally humiliated, my body and brain still seek him out.

I hate the hold he has on me but I also love it. Of course now that I know what his lips and hands feel like on my body, I’m even more fucked.

It has been my own personal challenge and torture to not look at him tonight. Again, I sense his stare. I do my damndest to not respond to his watching. It’s slowly killing me, but I can’t let him know how much he affects me.

When he left me standing against that wall, he had the upper hand. But I won’t give him the satisfaction of returning his gaze. He will not get a rise or response out of me again tonight or ever. I’m going to have the control for once. I can feel my lips purse into a tiny gloating smile before I mutter to myself, “Yep, just keep telling yourself that.”

“What did you say, dear?” I look over at my mom while casually raising my wine glass to my lips, making the sip last a bit longer than usual. I was caught muttering to myself and I’m sure she knows why. She has always known my feelings for Jack. And now that I’m home she’s probably worried I will go off the deep end. Talking to myself doesn’t help matters much.

“What? Oh, nothing. You know me, just thinking of what I need to get done before Sam arrives.” The all knowing look my mother gives me is interrupted by Ben choking on his drink. The spray of his wine hitting my arm.

I reach over to pat his back, but he waves me off. “You okay there big brother?”

After a few more coughs, he’s finally able to speak but his eyes tell me a different story. I catch a small glimpse of excitement. “I’m fine. The wine went down the wrong way.” He takes another sip of water before continuing. “So you said Sam’s coming? What day will she be here? Does she need a ride from the airport or are you getting her?” I try to focus while he spews out question after question, containing my grin is challenging. He can’t hide his enthusiasm and I love it.

Placing my hand on his arm, he reads my cue to stop with the twenty questions. He really had no idea that he was on a rant. “Whoa there Benny. It’s all good.” I pause for effect. I love the fact that he’s showing some interest. “She’ll be here in a couple of days. But now that you mention it, Mom and I have work to do on the fundraiser. Perhaps you could pick her up for me.” My hand squeezes his arm for some reassurance. “You’ll be in the city anyway, right?” I put on my best fake smile so that he won’t catch onto my plans. Ben and Sam are a go, but I need to be subtle so he won’t run scared. “But if you’re not in town, it’s no big deal. Maybe Jack could or I could try and move my appointment…” I don’t have a chance to finish my thought.

Ben’s back straightens up as soon as he hears Jack’s name. He knows Jack’s a player and there’s no way in hell he will let him pick her up. His reaction proves my point that he likes Sam and now I’ve got him. “Ahhhh…no, that’s ok. I’m in the city. I can pick her up. No problem.”

“Great! I will text you her flight details. I can’t wait for you to meet her. She’s amazing.” Looking at Ben I can see his anxious smile. Watching his potential happiness weakens me. I can feel the whisper of love around me so naturally my eyes go to him. I can’t help it, they’ve wanted it all night. I mentally tell myself it will be just a quick glance, but as soon as I look over, I’m screwed.

He’s met my stare head on. It’s a different look for him, one that I haven’t seen before. I pride myself on being a Jack expert since most of my life I’ve studied him. This new look appears to be one of hope. Is it a wish for us? A desire for more? A chance for love? I have no idea but I don’t want to shift away. I need to figure it out.

I settle into his gaze and allow him to see me. I let him see my pain, hurt, and vulnerability. My guard goes down as my eyes soften. It’s at this moment I know things will never be the same. We melt into each other as our gaze reveals our feelings. We speak without words. It scares me but I won’t turn away from him. This is him, the real him, someone that I haven’t seen in an awfully long time. I need to see this side of him more.

And there it is – my story. My unwritten novel. I can’t escape Jack. He’s had a hold on me unlike anything I’ve ever felt. That’s the problem right there, every man I’m with is a comparison and they all fail. He’s had a hold on me that I can’t shake. It’s like my body knows he’s it for me and betrays me every damn time. I continue to be completely fucked when it comes to him.

Gramps’s chair scrapes on the stone patio as he excuses himself from the table. The noise draws me away from our tortured gaze. I decide the best thing for me to do is get up from the table and take a breath. Reality of the mess we are reenters my hazy brain.

I steal one more glance and thankfully, he’s not looking. Hastily, I help clear the table and bring the dishes in the kitchen. I’m grateful that dad and Ben offer to clean up so that I can go to my quiet space. I need to clear my head and figure out what to do next. The thing is I’m mentally exhausted. Jack drains me like no other.

Glancing around the yard, I head over to the barn. Jack doesn’t seem to be anywhere in sight which, sadly, disappoints me. I slide open the doors and the familiar scent of my childhood envelops me. The sweet scent of the grapes mixed with the oak barrels brings me comfort. Reaching out, my fingertips graze across them. This is my happy place- my legacy- I’m immediately grounded and centered.

Whenever I felt sad, angry or needed to be alone, this is where I would come. The quiet serenity soothes me. The process of making wine in and of itself is peaceful and beautiful. You spend your time cultivating from the early beginnings until the final product. Stopping to take a deep breath, I inhale the sweet smells. Imagining the delicious tastes that they will bring calms me instantly.

Looking over my shoulder to the wine cellar, I decide that’s where I should go. It is the perfect getaway place. It’s silent, peaceful, and solitary. Plus I can open a bottle and eat some dark chocolate without interruption.

Taking quiet baby steps, I try to walk without any sound. In the dim light my hand finds the black iron lock and, with some muscle, I slide it over. The familiar creak and click lets me know it’s unlocked. Pushing the heavy door open, I enter slowly while my hand runs against the wall in the darkness, searching for the light.

After a few failed attempts, my hand finds the switch and I turn it to the right. A low bulb from the sconce on the wall lights the hallway. Quickly moving into the cellar, I find the other two light switches and turn them on. One lights up the shelf rack walls, highlighting the bottles. Each bottle is organized in perfect rows from floor to ceiling. The other illuminates the high oak bar table with four chairs around it.

Above the table hang various sized wine glasses. Reaching up, I choose the largest one we have and place it on the cool marble counter. Off to the side, I spy the wine opener and the glass jar fully stocked with chocolates. My mouth begins to salivate with the intoxicating goodness that will be entering it soon.

Turning back to the wall, my eyes scan the various choices. As my eyes and fingers touch the corked tops, I can’t help but think of Jack. I’ve had this constant fantasy about us. It’s all about him, wine, chocolate, this room and me. My body tingles as I let the image resurface. I try to close my eyes tight to shake it off. I came in here to clear my head, not daydream, but it’s not working.

Eyeing the bottle I want, I envision him in here with me. He’s only wearing his faded jeans that are ripped at the knees. They hug his ass perfectly as they hang low off his hips. Every muscle of his tan and toned chest is accentuated perfectly. Barefoot and shirtless, the tattoo across his chest begs to be licked and kissed. He’s standing against the bare wall slowly sipping a glass of red wine and moaning as he swallows it down, licking his lips.

I can’t help the wicked grin that takes shape on my lips. Reaching for the Petite Syrah I sit down and begin to uncork it. The initial smell is heavenly, and it invites me to inhale one more time before pouring.

As I fill my glass, I think of Jack again. Only this time, he’s lifting the glass up to my lips and giving me a taste. He is always the star of my fantasies. He can make me come in an instant.

Every. Fucking. Time.

I reach for the jar of chocolate, hoping that this will curb the dull ache inside me. I unwrap it and bring it up to my mouth, teasing it with my tongue before taking a bite. The sweetness melts over my taste buds and surrounds my mouth with mouthwatering pleasure. Lifting the glass of red deliciousness to my lips, I take the smallest sip. The chocolate and wine pair perfectly. The two tastes combined together heighten my senses.

I lean back in my stool and place my legs on the counter. My ritual of one bite of chocolate followed by one sip of wine continues. I feel slightly buzzed from the taste sensations and my body comes alive. With the realization that I’m completely alone in here, Jack enters my mind again. I’m not sure if it’s my subconscious or just my own raw need, but my legs begin to squeeze and rub together. Our hot kiss is still embedded in my mind.

My legs continue to move as my black dress slowly lifts to expose my panties. I let my head fall back as I clench my thighs together to ease the dull throbbing of my clit. My rhythm increases as spasms from somewhere deep within me begin. My hand reaches down under my hem, desperate to give myself relief. My mind sees Jack’s hands on me. They slide up my thighs and under my dress, teasing and tickling my skin until goose bumps appear.

My head jerks forward as a first moan releases from my lips. My fingers imitate my innermost desires. My fingers are Jack’s fingers. They touch my swollen nub and slowly rub it. I can see his face perfectly as I sip my wine and watch him kneeling down in front of me, playing with my core, teasing it, making me wetter with each stroke.

My moans match my fingers and I get closer to orgasm with each rub. Rolling my hips in the chair, my head falls back. I see Jack’s head move in close to my pussy. He sticks his tongue out for a taste. My hand reaches for his hair and fists it. His tongue continues its frenzied assault as I hold his head in place while red Syrah spills down my body. I know I’m close.

That’s when then the first spasms start and my release takes over. Thinking of Jack, my body jerks and a swell of pleasure rolls over me. “Ahhhhh…Jack, I’m coming…Jack…I’m coming.” My breath is erratic as I reach my climax and silently scream out his name.

Slowly coming down from my orgasmic bliss, my body levels out and I relax. I don’t want to open my eyes yet because he is still there, looking up at me with that smug smile of his, knowing he made me come hard. I love that look and don’t want it to disappear. My heart rate returns to normal. I take another sip of wine. I am in total pleasure mode.

“Wow. I mean wow." For perhaps the first time in my life, I’m speechless.

My eyes open as my whole body reacts. I jump up out of the stool as sounds of breaking glass hit the wood floor and shatter into pieces. My eyes search for him in the doorway. He’s leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossing his chest. The smug look I envisioned only seconds ago confirms my worst nightmare. Jack is here and he got quite an eyeful.