I let myself down so many times when it came to Jack. There was always someone else and I was just a shadow in the background. I learned to lock away and bury the hurt. It was easier than dealing with the truth that he didn’t want me the way I wanted him.

My mind flashes back to the weekend of my graduation party and the days that changed me.

Jack finally wanted me. His hands touching my face while his eyes bore into mine, telling me he didn’t want to bury his feelings for me any longer. I stood in silence as he held me and felt breathless as his lips molded into mine.

Finally, this was it; he felt the same way as me. I could see it in his eyes as his lips crashed on mine again. But just as our bodies moved in closer, he stopped abruptly. His once clear eyes became clouded over with a look that he didn’t show often. It appeared to be a combination of fear, desperation, and panic. That’s when I knew. This was too good to be true and my intuition was dead on.

He walked away from me with no explanation. He left me standing there, alone and confused. I had no idea how long I stayed in that spot but I finally went in the house.

The next day I was more determined than ever to finish what we started, to finally give him all of me, to not let him run away. I knew he felt the electricity.

We kept missing each other all night or maybe he was avoiding me. Frustrated, I forced my feet to move in the familiar direction of my safe place - the wine pressing room. I needed to figure out how I was going to get him alone. That’s when I saw him with her and became paralyzed.

I watched him with someone else. I watched him hold, kiss and touch her the way I wanted him to be with me. Why I was frozen there for so long made no sense to me. It was like some sort of weird persecution; a self-proclaimed punishment for allowing me to believe there was more.

He gutted me.

After that, I told myself to stay away. It was easier being angry and mean than dealing with how he made me feel.

He wanted me then but he wouldn’t take the chance. Instead, he pushed me aside. But I grew stronger and learned from it. I chose to not let love guide me or blind me. Falling in love is not something I would do ever again. I would not allow myself to be broken by it, by him, or by anyone. At least that’s what I told myself, but here I am again.

* * *

“Just do it already.” I hear myself say the words and honestly cannot believe they’re coming out of my mouth. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this could ever happen for us…for me. Jack was always the boy I loved from afar. He was never my reality. But somehow, some way, he saw through me and all his bullshit to find me.

I squeeze my eyes shut as he kisses me again. I don’t want to think about anything else but how he’s making me feel right at this moment. Jack must sense my tension for I feel him lift off of me slightly, bearing the weight of his eyes. I try to pull him back into me but he resists.

“What is it, Jenny? Are you ok? Did I do something wrong?”

“Jack, you did nothing wrong. In fact, you’re doing everything right. I guess I’m just overwhelmed with emotions. I never thought this would happen for us. It’s scary, crazy, and amazing all at the same time.” My body begins to relax as I tell him my thoughts. He must sense it, too, for I feel him fold back into me.

“I know what you mean, babe. I keep over-thinking everything I’m doing with you. I don’t want to fuck it up. You are different Jenny, and I want to be better with you, for you.”

Looking into his eyes, I can see his truths. Nobody is perfect and we never have been. We have always been us. That’s when it hits me; my aha moment. My thumb brushes across the furrow in his brow hoping to erase it. “Maybe we should stop thinking so much and just be us. This is for us and no one else. You be you and I’ll be me.” For purely selfish reasons, I place a small kiss on his lips before continuing. God, I love his mouth. “Let’s find out who we are with each other.”

That’s all I need to say because he kisses me with more fervor than ever before. It squelches out any nagging thoughts. My mind and body succumb to him. It’s clearly working because the next thing I know I’m being lifted up off the desk. I can only imagine what he has going on in that dirty brain of his. It's what he does next that surprises me.

His hands lower my dress and re-tie it. Sudden confusion sets in because I was thinking what I said was a good thing. He seemed to like it, too. I watch him fix his jeans and shirt. He then reaches down to pick up my panties. He smells them before placing them in his back pocket. “What are you doing?” He stares at me, not saying a word, before grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the door. I can only follow because at this point I’m completely giving in.

As we are about to exit the pressing room door, he brings us to a sudden stop. I try to not think he’s going to leave me standing here again, like all those years ago. A sudden pain emanates in my chest but it quickly vanishes when I take one look into his eyes. I can see his crazed lust and desire for me. I feel come leak on my inner thighs. Taking a chance, I ask him again. “Jack, what are you doing?” His hands reach up to cup my face. I can feel his breath on my skin as his tongue wets my lips.

“You want to know what I’m doing?”

I can only nod my head for I haven’t a clue what he’s going to say. It terrifies and excites me at the same time.

“I’ll tell you what I’m doing. I’m taking you to your bed so I can fuck you. Hard. My way. Your way. Our way.”

My throat goes dry as I try to swallow and process what came out of his mouth. He doesn’t give me a chance to say anything. He just takes my hand and leads me out the door. My parched mouth can only emit a garbled, “I hope no one hears,” as he grabs the handle.

“Fuck. You’re right. I want you loud. The loft. My bed. Right fucking now.” Jack reaches down, grabs my waist, and hoists me over his shoulder, smacking my ass for good measure. “So fucking loud Jenny.”

That’s when I know I’m in serious trouble. He just made me tingle with his naughty spank and words. “Oh, fuck.”

“Oh, fuck is right, baby. Brace yourself. I’m going to fuck the shit out of you until you and I can’t physically move. Total exhaustion. I have a feeling that you are going to destroy me. And I mean that in a good way.”

My body trembles all the way up to the loft. As he sets me down, I can only think of one thing. His voice interrupts my thoughts. “Jenny Bean, what’s going on in that naughty brain of yours?”

I look him square in the eye. “Total destruction, Jack.” That’s the only thing I say before he throws me on the bed.