I have no idea how the hell I made it out of there but somehow I mustered the strength. My legs were a wobbly mess after the most intense orgasm that I’ve had in a long time. My momentary bliss ended abruptly when Jack and his stupidity made his presence known.

Of course, the jackass didn’t tell me until after I screamed his name while coming. What the fuck was I thinking? Obviously, I wasn’t but damn it felt so good, almost too good. That’s why I have to stop this right now. I walked away from him twice now. Once, five years ago when I left for school and then last year. It wasn’t easy, but I can do it again.

Walking across the yard, I hear the rare sound of laughter coming from Ben in the backyard by the old oak tree. There are no other voices so either he’s finally lost it over Beth or he’s on the phone. My curiosity gets the better of me and I move in closer. Besides, I need a distraction after my Jack encounter. At least, that’s what I tell myself. But really I’m just nosey.

Straying away from my typical china in a bull shop prowess, I creep up as gently as I can. My ears strain to get a better listen. He’s mumbling something about a nice voice and making him laugh. My body inches forward a bit more and that’s when I hear him say “Sam.”

Holy fuck! He’s talking to Sam! This is huge. My body wants to Snoopy dance but if I move or say anything I’m busted. With my limited self-control, I wait and listen for more. I shouldn’t spy but I’ve never been one to follow social etiquette. I guess I’m more like Jack than I want to admit. I’m snooping just like he did and if Ben caught me he would lose it.

Perhaps I should give him some slack, Jack that is, not Ben. I need to know what’s going on.

Ben continues to talk as I listen. “It will be great to finally meet you. Maybe I can show you around when you’re settled in?” My hand comes up to my mouth, willing it to stay shut. He’s trying so hard to be sweet. After he ends the call, I watch him walk away with one of the brightest smiles I’ve ever seen. It’s been two years of fake grins. Perfect! Now I know my plan is going to happen.

“Eavesdropping are we, Jenny?” My body jumps as I turn around and see Gramps approaching.

“God, Gramps, you scared the hell out of me! What are you still doing up?” I cut the distance between us in half and link his arm in mine. I love my Gramps. He’s a straight shooter and I respect that. He has never pulled any punches when it comes to giving advice. He always states the obvious whether you want to hear it or not. He will definitely say something about this.

“Ahhh, Jenny, my dear, sleep at this age escapes me on a regular basis. I sleep for a few, lay awake for a few, and then sleep a little more. Growing old is a kick in the ass, but it beats the alternative.” His laughter fills the air and melts more of my anger away. “So, my dear, what were you doing listening in on Benny boy? And more importantly, what the hell was he saying?” I can’t stop the chuckle that comes out of my mouth.

“I thought you were going to scold me for listening in on Ben’s conversation.”

Gramps wraps his hand around mine. “No, my dear, I’ve been worried about him the same as everyone else. I need to make sure he’s doing okay just as much as you do. He’s been sad for far too long.” Pausing mid-stride, he turns to me and pats my hand gently before continuing. “You are simply looking out for him. We all are.” His hand is comforting as we walk. “Did I hear some laughter coming from him?”

Smiling back at his thoughtful touch, I shake my head in response. “He sure was Gramps. That’s why I had to keep spying.” We both are silent as we walk in the house. Ben has been heartbroken for so long. We all have felt it. However, losing your fiancée, the one person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, is a different kind of sadness. It’s one I can’t fully grasp or understand. I haven’t experienced the depth of that kind of love yet and at the rate I’m going, I’m not sure I will. I only wish for him to move on and be happy again, the way he used to be.

My plan to bring Sam and Ben together has got to work. They are perfect for each other. Sam is a hot ticket and doesn’t take shit from anybody. However, she also has a vulnerable and tender side. She wants to find love and is a hopeless romantic.

Laughing, I realize that I’ve pretty much described myself, except I am way more of a spitfire than she is. I let it all out and probably too much. In all honesty, I don’t really give a fuck what people think. I speak my mind and move on. But once, just once, I would love to let my heart and mind go. Really fall madly, hopelessly, completely, head over heels, and unequivocally in love. Showing that one other person all of me, every part of me.

Gramps coughs and wakes me from my rambling thoughts. “You okay, Gramps?” He squeezes my hand tightly while his eyes reassure me. “I’m fine, Jenny girl. Just have a touch of a cold so I should probably get back to bed.” Patting his arm, I lead us down the hall.

As we step into the kitchen, I grab the tea kettle. “How about some chamomile tea with honey? That always helps me.”

His smile reaches his eyes as he sits down at the kitchen table. “That sounds lovely. Serve it up!” His hand slaps the table as if he wants me to jump into service but his chuckle gives him away. Laughing along with him, I prepare some soothing tea. We both need some comfort and hopefully induce some deep sleep, the kind that I won’t remember any dreams that may involve Jack.

* * *

Lying down in my bed my body is restless. My legs keep kicking and flicking the sheets off and on. One minute my arms are above my head and the next they’re clawing at the comforter. Apparently, my idea of hot tea to help calm my body has had the reverse reaction. It’s as if my body is trying to crawl right out of my skin. Closing my eyes, I try to take some calming breaths. I allow my lungs to take breaths in and out like in yoga class, even though I did yoga only a few times. I never could quite relax.

My eyes squeeze tighter in hopes that it will stop my random Jack thoughts. My head pulses with the beginnings of a headache. Taking one final deep breath, I open my eyes and exhale. The moisture behind them leaks out. The constant blinking is doing nothing to help clear the watery haze. Damn him.

My hands wipe away the tears as my eyes shift to my bedroom window. My fidgety body jumps up to open my window. The fresh air couldn’t hurt, plus the elements outside bring me comfort.

My hands lift the wood pane but it’s really making me work for it. Using a bit more muscle, I finally get it open all the way. The minute the fresh air and sugary smell hits me, I know the extra effort was worth it. My body responds immediately with each inhale.

I have to believe that that my wacky body’s behavior was sending me a message to get up and reconnect with what grounds you. The winery is my foundation. It is my center, the heart of who I am. Looking out into the night sky, I try to organize my jumbled feelings that have plagued me all night long.

There are two constants that keep speaking to me. Obviously, the first one is Jack. I mean seriously, what does he want from me? Secondly, there’s the grand old question, ”What do I want?” Both have no solid answers and that irritates me. This is my life.

My hands grip the window sill as my gaze shifts across the vineyard. The soft glow from the fairy lights at the end of each pole illuminates the vines. I can’t help the soothing smile that forms on my face. It is true beauty’s perfection in my world. It’s something so simple yet so complex.

Since I was a little girl, the vineyard has guided me and I’ve trusted it. So with shaky hope I look outward to see if it has anything to say to me tonight. “Okay, my bountiful beauties, speak to me. What do I want?” I hold my gaze while I silently repeat the question several times. My grip on the sill tightens with my growing impatience. Apparently, I will not get an answer tonight.

My foot stomps down on the wooden floor like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum. Muttering a few swears under my breath, I notice movement out of the corner of my right eye. My eyes squint as I peer into the darkness. As they adjust to the faint moonlight glow, there’s no mistaking the outline of his familiar figure. “Fuckity-fuck-fuck,” I whisper and stomp my foot once more.

Jack’s body moves toward the soft light of the outside lantern hanging near the barn tree. God, he’s perfection. My perfection. My heaven on earth. And there you have it. My vineyard has answered me. It’s Jack. It has always been Jack. He’s what I want.

At that precise moment, his head tilts up to my window. Our eyes connect in the stillness of the night. No one moves or says a word; we just stare. I’m not sure how much time passes, but eventually I decide to break contact and move away. My soul misses the connection at once.

My body climbs into bed as I grab my pillow and hug it to my chest. When I’m physically ready, I finally lie back down. My body’s not quite relaxed, but better than it was before. Soon I feel the heaviness of sleep. A gentle rush of wind brushes my face and Jack enters my haziness. It’s as if he came in with the breeze. The vines are reminding me of their response. “Okay, okay. I hear you loud and clear. Jack’s my answer.” My mind ponders that as I drift off into a deep slumber. I can only hope tomorrow I’ll have some insight as to what the hell I do next.