I return home tired from the work day. Today sucked for many numerous reasons: deadlines, reports, meetings, and Jenny. My mind was continuously distracted by her. My attention deficit and distractibility increased as the day wore on. Somehow I managed to get shit done.

At one point I thought that I was going crazy. Several times today, I could have sworn my phone pinged to let me know I had a message from her. Then later on, I could have sworn I saw her walking outside my office. I rubbed my eyes forcefully, hoping to stop my delusional mind.

Opening up my door all I can think of is grabbing a beer and a long hot shower. My need to wash away this day is great. It’s been twenty-four hours since our text and nothing else has transpired. Clearly, it’s slowly killing me and fucking with my brain.

As I cross the threshold, I slip on something but catch myself in the perfect imitation of Fred Flintstone driving. “What the fuck?” That’s when I look down and see it.

A letter. It’s my letter. I would recognize the handwriting anywhere. She has this funky way of making her J’s. She likes to loop it down and around. It’s uniquely her and it’s to me.

Bending down, I reach for it but not before I whack my head into the doorknob. “Seriously?! What the fuck?! Can't a guy catch a break?” I escaped a fall on my ass, but my forehead had other plans. In all my life I have never been this messed up. She has sunk her teeth into me and is not letting go.

I rub my head to dull the ache and sit my ass on the couch, preventing any further self-harm. My hands are actually shaking as I stare at the envelope. “You have turned into a fucking pussy.”

I can completely relate to Ben and any other idiots I know that get so caught up in someone else. You don’t have control over any shit and your heart becomes theirs. They hold your fate in their hands. The weight is heavy and bearing on each other. Your only hope is you find someone that wants to share that load with you and balances you out.

I have no idea how long I sit here before opening it. There’s no sense in drawing it out anymore. I need to know what she’s thinking and feeling. I need to know what she wants because it’s Jenny. I would do anything for her.

Unfolding the paper, I see her words that move gracefully across the page. Her cursive writing is perfect and so her that I can’t help but smile. My grin widens when I see how it’s addressed…

My Dearest Jack,

That has to be a good sign, right? Inhaling a huge deep breath, I squeeze my eyes shut and silently pray. Here goes nothing.

My Dearest Jack,

I apologize that I never responded to your letter. Quite frankly, it scared the hell out of me. I have never received a letter like that. The fact that it came from you meant more to me than you will ever know.

For me it’s all about the little things. I don’t need a lot…no grand gestures. What matters to me is knowing how you feel, your words, and actions.

You know that words are my thing. I love to read and write. Words ground me and let me express myself freely. Sometimes it’s easier to write than speak. However, when I’m around you the words come easily.

You make me feel on so many levels. You bring out all my good and all my bad. It’s that combination of sweet and sinful that I love so much. One minute, I want to kill you and the next, I want to hold you and kiss you so damn hard. I want to argue with you and make up with you. I need you to balance me out, and in turn I do the same for you.

Quite honestly, my life has been dull and mundane without you in it. You keep me on my toes and I love every second of it. For years, I felt lonely and lost without you but then suddenly I wasn’t anymore. Your kiss and touch filled me and I never want to be empty again.

Your text the other night said more than you probably realize.

I want you.

Well, Jack, I want you, too. But I also need you. There is a difference.

To want you is to desire, crave, and wish for you, but to need you is…well, it’s essential that I have you. It means I can’t live without you.

Do you need me, too?

That’s the big question. So I want you to take some time to think about it. Make sure. Because if we do this, it has to be all in. No more pussy footing around. I will give you some time and when you see me at the ball I want my answer. I can wait a few more days considering we’ve waited this long already.

My final gift to you is my words, baby. They are for you and only you.

You are my muse and together we create. For me you are all the best parts.

My story that I read and can’t put down.

My favorite movie that I watch over and over again.

My words that come from within, that you bring out of me.

The songs that I play over and over again.

Jack, you make the words in our book, the lyrics in our song, the lines in our movie. All the best parts.

You. Just you. Only you.

Always,

Jenny

Wow. Just wow. I have no ideas or thoughts at this very moment. She blew me away as usual. My letter sucked compared to hers. I chuckle slightly as I think about what I wrote. She’s got us all figured out in one page and I love that about her.

When I’m with her, she challenges me and makes me consider everything. With her words she pushes me. I love and hate that about her.

She asked me if I need her. If the past few weeks have taught me anything, it’s that I want her. There is no doubt about that. But need her? Not live without her?

Why am I not shouting yes?

What the hell is wrong with me? This is what I wanted, so why am I hesitating? I’ve been fine most of my life without anyone. Admittedly, it’s been lonely and she satiates me where the loneliness once existed. So what’s stopping me?

My phone rings. The screen lights up with my father’s name. Then I feel my chest slam with the force of my doubts. My fucked up life still plagues me and prevents me from living and loving Jenny.

I’m not sure I want to answer it because I know it will drain me, but it’s my dad.

“Hey, Dad…what’s up?”

“My son! How the hell are you? Listen, I’m in Vegas. Come meet me. The ladies here are perfection. I need my wing man.”

I let my mind contemplate it for several seconds. I’m pissed at myself and have no idea why I would even consider going. This is what we do together. This is my pattern. When things get tough, I check out. I keep it all on the surface, never letting anyone invade me. Life is uncomplicated that way.

This was how I had to grow up. Only permit so much, show so much. I truly became a lost cause and played the single game. I perfected it to the point that it masked me. It worked brilliantly until Jenny replanted herself in my life. I didn’t realize how lost and alone I was until she came home. It’s amazing that one person can make you believe in yourself and open your heart.

I shake my head to snap back to my current situation, my dad. Everything I learned about being in a relationship was from him. He shaped my outlook after mom died. Acting like him made life easier and pushed aside any and all feelings. I adopted his carefree philosophy and went all in. No wonder I’ve never been in a successful relationship. I never permitted myself to care long enough.

I’m a complete fuckup.

I would blow it with Jenny if I went. It would confirm all of her fears. She’s right to ask me if I need her. She’s absolutely correct to give me time because my shit stinks. My value is not even close enough to hers.

For once in my life, I’m going to do right by her. For her.

I wish my dad well and decline his offer. Hanging up, I realize I have a lot more growing up to do. I hang my head with shame and grief, wondering if I’m ever going to be able to love completely and be a man worthy of her.

I don’t deserve her. At least not yet.