I can’t believe it’s time for me to go home. I never thought in a million years that I would feel scared and sad about returning. Home had always been my sanctuary, my solace, the place where I felt everything.

Home was my personal emotional roller coaster, and I was forever in the front row seat.

Unfortunately, it’s the sadness, embarrassment, and pain that I carry with me the most over the past few years. But I guess everyone’s home is like that. Growing up, I had the best parents who supported me in everything I did. They challenged me, pushed me, stood up for me, kept me safe, encouraged me, and most importantly, loved me unconditionally. My family was never the problem. It was more complicated than that.

It was him…always him.

And now I’m returning home.

Coming home to him.

The one man that could turn me inside out and hasn’t completely left my head, no matter how hard I’ve tried.

Jack. My mind flashes back to the night that changed me…us. I try not to recall it too much since the ache still exists. What should have been an amazing night ended up being one of the worst. Let’s face it, everyone has had a broken heart, they are unavoidable. But that night, mine shattered into tiny pieces on the barn floor, each jagged piece covered in dust, horse shit, and wine stains.

And the jack-ass doesn’t have a fucking clue.

I’ve worked hard the past five years to avoid him and limit our interactions. For my own sanity I needed to. He confused me and messed up my heart. It took me a while to figure out men, but I did. Well, I like to think I did, however, Jack is still a mystery to me.

Even though we spent many days talking and sharing, it seemed at surface level. Perhaps my crushing feelings clouded my comprehension of him? I turned a blind eye to many of his idiotic ways, especially his sexual conquests. I was too naïve and in love.

When everything happened that night, I had to make a choice. Stay to witness more crap and dig myself deeper or go away. I chose to flee. Moving on and finding life without him in it. I managed to build an unbreakable wall in regards to him. The driver’s seat was in my control not his. I was in charge of my destiny, one free of him.

Sadly, the worst part of shutting someone down is that you end up losing a good friend. My personal barricade was a double-edged sword. I rocked it and wrecked it. Jack and I weren’t the same and we certainly weren’t friends anymore. Five years is a long time to go without someone who used to matter.

Standing at my bar work station as I fill up my tray with drinks, I glance over to my best friend Sam. She’s my spirit sister. My rock. Lucky for me she gets my cloudiness with Jack, the love and hate that still exists.

Her heart was ripped out as well. I witnessed firsthand her breaking and we are nursing it slowly. Our tears are different, but no less real.

I shake my head and try to stop the images from resurfacing. Jack has become associated with one of the worst nights of my life and it kills me. I want to stop the hurt because I can’t let myself go there anymore. Life sucks and love sucks. Until you find the right one.

Despite my wavering thoughts, I’ve grown up from who I was back then. However I can still see him standing there, toying with my feelings, and walking away. If that wasn’t bad enough, the bastard sealed our fate with that bimbo. In my favorite escape spot, no less, the shadows of my barn hideaway. A place he knew was special to me. Now it’s tainted. God, I could throw up right now.

Closing my eyes, I work to ignore the nausea that’s toying with me. I bite my lower lip to distract myself from the unpleasant images surfacing. The taste of blood hits my tongue and I silently curse myself. I’m not the same Jenny he knew. She grew up. She had to. It was inevitable.

I’m not the inexperienced, awkward, clumsy girl I was around him. I made sure of that. I found out who I was and had a love that was real. It may not have lasted, but I still experienced it. But Jack has no idea what love is.

No, Jack is going to see who I am now. In no uncertain terms, am I going to let any old feelings for him bubble up. I’ve done a great job stomping them down with cold precision. In fact, they’re repressed and buried so deep that there’s no way in hell they’ll make their way back. Jack Ryan can suck it for all I care.

Clearly, frequent reminders will be necessary when I get in his space again. I will probably go crazy. Chuckling to myself, I turn to see Sam walking up to me.

“Hey, J-girl, what’s going on in that head of yours?” Sam bangs her hip into mine while I stand at the bar station. The food I’ve been waiting for has been sitting there for god knows how long. This is what he does to my mind –distraction at its finest. It’s Friday night and graduation is just a few days away. The pub is crazy ass busy. I was asked to work and I thought it would be a good idea.

“Oh, you know me, Sam. Thinking about the last naughty scene I read and wondering if I can reenact it with my date tomorrow night.” With a dramatic pause and hair toss, I saunter off to deliver my order. My head turns back to give her a flash of a smile and catching a brief glimpse at her eyes.

Her gaze burrows into me, searching for bullshit. My quick exit lets her not delve in further. Hell, Sam should eye me cautiously because my love life lately is more non-existent. A few dates here and there with a little bit of juiciness but not enough bite. Nothing complicated. Nothing messy. Nothing to write about. I’m leaving soon and they’re just men to help pass the time until I find the right one.

My problem is that my dates never lived up to the standards I want or expect in a man. Sam knows that. My mission of finding my person is what matters to me. Sam has got her movie boyfriends, and I’ve got my book boyfriends. We make quite the pair. We often have long conversations comparing and contrasting who’s hotter and who would make a better lover.

Most people only notice what I look like on the outside. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. California tanned skin. Lately, the men want in my bed. My thoughts on that, if that’s all you want then I don’t play. However, if you want to get to know me then I give it a chance. Those are not worth my energy.

It’s just now I have a protector next to me that’s not my brother. Sam is my best friend, like a sister to me. She knows about Jack and wants to protect me. I’m sure she can sense my uneasiness.

It’s still painful, but lately I’m keeping it to myself. I’ve come so far. My mind is pissing me off. Saying it out loud makes it real again and I don’t want to relive it. Unfortunately, going home to stay brings those feelings back up to the surface.

What the fuck am I going to do now?

That’s the question I keep asking myself. And it sucks that I have no answer. In the back of my mind I always knew that I would be heading home. But, honestly, I’ve had five years to deal with this shit and put myself back together. I’ve been doing a fine job of it, too. But now it’s time to leave my safety net.

Time to go home and face reality. Time to face my repressed feelings head on. We need to talk so I can get some closure and move on from him. It’s time to face Jack once and for all.