The days are long and nights are even longer without her. It’s as if someone cut my heart out of my chest, squeezed it dry, and then tossed it into a blender for good measure. I truly don’t know how much longer I can take this. Life without her is unbearable. It amazes me how, in such a short amount of time, she could invade me like this, but then again she’s been with me since we were little. It’s only now I’ve realized how all-consuming she is.

I tried to keep busy with work and rugby but my head isn’t in it. I go through the motions and hope that I look productive. I’m on autopilot, without much care as to my direction.

The only other time I felt like this was when my mom died. Her sinking depression sucked the life out of me, but it wasn’t until she was gone that I realized the sum. Not that this even equals that loss but it certainly feels like it. I miss her as if she’s gone and never coming back. The loss weighs heavy and I can’t snap out of it.

I wonder if this is what Ben felt. Stupid ass! His fiancée died. But still…trying to carry on and go about your day without your person is debilitating. You hope from one minute to the next that they will be there, but when you stop and look around, they are nowhere to be found.

Jenny was and is my person. She’s the one, my match in every way. It’s scary and exciting how much we complement each other. I have no doubt that she is my other half. Sadly, our path is broken at the moment. I need to figure out a way to repair it.

No more sitting around and wallowing in my self-pity. It’s time to take action and make things right.

She’s the one.

If you’re lucky enough to find them, then nothing should stop you from being together. Even for an egotistical, cocky, reformed male whore. It’s time to get off my ass and man up.

I begin to pace my living room, trying to figure out my next move. I weigh in on my options but each one doesn’t cut it. I mean, this is Jenny. She’s a stubborn pain in the ass!

Flowers. Too cliché?

Text. Too impersonal?

Call. What if she doesn’t answer?

I could drive out to see her but the chances of her avoiding me are great.

My head lifts and I hastily scan the room for ideas. My eyes stop on my bookshelf and that’s when it hits me. Books. She loves books and words. She told me once that words are her lifeline and mean as much to her as actions. A letter has to appease her romantic heart.

I can’t write for shit but it’s worth a shot. At some point, she will have to read it. Her curiosity will get the better of her. It will be in her face, egging her on to open it and see what I have to say. The more I picture it, the more keyed up I get. This has to work.

I rush over to my desk to find what I need. My momentum is building and the thrill is exhilarating. My pen hits the paper and…nothing. The paper is a white vast nothingness. It’s gawking at me with each minute I sit. My lifeless brain has not one thought to be expressed.

The most I can write is Dear Jenny. Seriously, how do writers do this shit?

Thinking that a beer might help, I get up and head to the fridge. Popping the top off, I take a long swig. I close my eyes and imagine her face and body. Every curve, freckle, bump, line, and scar. Each part of her is perfection to me. That’s when it hits me and I know what I need to tell her.

Dear Jenny,

This week has been one of the worst of my life. To have you and quickly lose you has been unbearable on my heart. I wake up thinking of you…picture you all day… dream of you as I drift off to sleep. You have consumed me. All of me.

My reality is I spent a lifetime without you. Days turned into nights and nights into weeks, living as I always had. But then you came home and everything I had mapped out changed course. Now instead of being the man I was, I became the man I wanted to be. Having you here with me, I know that I can’t go back to my ordinary because you are extraordinary.

I know this sounds profound coming from me but I do read and watch a lot of those sappy love movies you like.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you are it for me. You are my person, the one who breathes life into me. I keep thinking of the day you walked out and how you asked me to breathe with you. It was in that instant I knew it was you. Always you. Only you.

But, you see, the difference is that we now have each other. No more breathing alone. You are like a breath of fresh air in my lungs. I breathe you in, and on my exhale, I feel the loss. So I need to keep taking deeper breaths.

You go beyond just filling my lungs. I feel you enter my body and soul. Each breath I take gives me a little more until finally you consume me whole. Inhaling you in and never wanting to exhale you out. You are the air. My air. I need you to survive.

I need you, Jenny. You are the love of my life, and I will not let you go that easy. Love is hard and takes a lot of work but I know we can do it. And when I fuck up, you can set me straight in that cute spoiled temper tantrum way you have.

Jenny, you know each and every flaw of mine and, in turn, I know all of yours. You told me once it was our imperfections that make us perfect and I couldn’t agree more. We are us and that’s all we need for each other.

We are all a little broken, baby, but it’s how we let the light in that defines us. Please let me in. I need you. I want you.

Always,

Jack

I reread it at least ten times before sealing it in the envelope. I look at the clock. I have enough time to drive up and leave it in her room. It feels like I’m being a pussy but it’s a gesture and that’s all I have right now. Grabbing my keys, I head out the door and hope that this will be enough. I’m not above groveling, but I’ll save that for when I need to. This is not just my life anymore. It’s ours. Nothing will stop me.