I start to pace while waiting in the airport terminal. My parents are looking at me like I’m nuts. If I could sit still I would, but my body has a mind of its own. It’s as if every sensory neuron in my brain are firing off and sending my body into overload. The worst part is, the more I think about Jack, the more they fire off. The sensations are switching back and forth from pleasure to pain to pleasure again.

The thoughts are beyond me right now. The anger makes sense. It’s the natural reaction. After what he did it’s the logical emotion. In fact, it should be the only one.

My upper lip beads with sweat as the rest of my body goes flush. My overheating body combined with nausea and frantic emotions are not good. Not good at all. In fact, I’m hanging by a thread. The unraveling could happen any moment.

“Jenny, sweetheart, you have got to calm down. I know you’re excited to move back home, but really, you are starting to make me nervous. Maybe you should have a glass of wine.”

My body halts at the sound of my mom’s voice, blinking my eyes for clarity. I admire her beauty both inside and out. She’s my role model and the epitome of what a mother should be. Her astuteness is so on point sometimes that it freaks me the hell out. She’s aware of stuff that I never am.

Sometimes when I look at her I feel like I’m looking in a mirror. The same blond hair, that she wears shorter now, and the diamond shape blue eyes. She’s not as tall as me, but she carries herself with such grace and elegance. I clearly did not get that gene. I tend to be a total klutz.

That’s probably the only difference between us. For the past few years I have worked hard to develop into a lady, well somewhat of a lady. I’m the kind of lady who swears frequently when the need arises. It just so happens to be pretty often. I hear that it’s a sign of intelligence so I guess I’m pretty friggin' smart.

I work to keep myself up off the ground. It’s kind of like a game finding bruises on my body that I have absolutely no idea where they came from. I gravitate toward my tomboy ways now and then. I do love a good kickboxing class and some touch football games.

I continue to stare at her as my mind comes back to the present. “I know, Mom. I‘m sorry. I guess I’m just anxious to get home. You know, the whole new beginnings thing.” I shrug my shoulders, hoping that what I’m saying sounds convincing. If they knew I was nerved up about Jack, they could stage an intervention.

My parents know I had the biggest crush on Jack growing up. It was so flipping obvious. Gramps knew too. So did Jack. I think the only one who didn’t have a clue was Ben. He was so caught up in his love life that he didn’t pay attention to what was happening in front of him.

The only time Ben and Jack took notice was when I had a date, and then they were relentless. The teasing of me and threats to the other boy made my dating life interesting, to say the least. Not that I went out a lot. No one captured my interest more than Jack.

My mother knew how much I liked him and tried to get me interested in other extracurricular things. She presented various activities to me to attempt to take my mind off of him. She even brought up names of other boys with the hope of seeing some glimmer of excitement. Unfortunately, Jack was all I could see.

Alas, it was no use. She eventually gave up. And in a way, I did too. For me, he was a constant ache. A good ache. An enjoyable ache. One that burned, throbbed and tingled throughout my body. Jack had my heart. If I let myself admit it, at this actual moment, he still does.

I sit down for a few minutes while closing my eyes tightly, concentrating on my breathing, in…out…in…out. It’s no use. As soon as my breaths begin, images of Jack appear in my head. Memories of my disastrous graduation party and the total humiliation I felt.

Sometimes, when I let myself really remember, I feel happiness for a brief moment. However, it never lasts long. What started off beautiful ended in ugly. I’m pissed that he’s had my heart for so long.

Now when I think of him, I’m consumed with a twisted rage. It doesn’t want to let up. My heart is in pain yet my body burns. The vital parts of myself are throbbing in opposite directions and it’s becoming too much. My brain is getting mixed messages and it’s exhausting.

Welcome home to me.

“Jenny, I can’t wait for you to see everyone again. Wait until you see how much the vineyard is growing.” My dad looks at me with such care and concern. He is clearly trying to help me. Hopefully, my fake smile looks real.

“That’s great, Dad. I’m sure the changes you and Ben made are amazing. I’m so happy to be a part of it.” I truly mean it. Ben has got some amazing ideas and I want to help get them off the ground.

The work is a good distraction as we talk expansion, then my mother pipes in. “Oh, and wait till you see everyone. They’ll all be there for dinner tonight.”

My head turns sharply. “What do you mean?”

“Oh. I didn’t tell you?”Her eyes look mischievous, but I tend to be dramatic. My nerves perk up again as I try to calmly nod my head. “Well, we are having a family dinner tonight. A welcome home party.” My static heartbeat slows down, realizing that she means Ben and Gramps.

“That sounds perfect, Mom. I’m so excited to spend time with Ben and Gramps. I’ve missed them so much.” My mother smiles at me with that look again. I have a feeling she’s about to drop a bomb on me. “Yes, and Jack will be joining us too.”

As an act of comfort, my mother takes my hand and squeezes it. I look down at them and return the squeeze. My eyes can’t make their way up to hers - at least not yet. I don’t want her to know that Jack still toys with me. It scares me. I’ve worked hard to control those feelings. My mom would see right through me. She probably already does. So I keep my head down and softly whisper, “That’s great.”

Letting go, I move toward the large terminal window. I look out into the early morning sunrise. The vibrant oranges, yellows and reds that shine over the harbor color the sky. I wonder if it will always be like this, a mixture of colorful emotions. I stare at the sunrise and allow a few tears to fall. Taking a shaky breath in, I picture him.

I recall the second time our lips touched. My lips curve and I can’t help it. Placing my fingers on them, I give my mind permission to remember.

The softest and most tender touch his mouth brought on mine. The wave of electricity I felt all the way down to my toes. Our lips connected for a fleeting moment, but it was enough for me. It told me that Jack still owned my heart. Nothing good could come of my love for him. It was always holding me back. But man, did I want more.

Opening my eyes to the skylight outside, I realize that it’s time to make peace with Jack. It’s time to move on and stop loving him. I’m coming home a new Jenny. I will not be wrapped up in Jack Ryan. Hopefully I can do it and let all of our fucked up shit go.

I had another relationship. It didn’t work out, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t someone else out there. Jack was my past. I need a present. Time to let him go.