The recurring dream brands his image on my eyelids in the customary final insult as my alarm pulls me from sleep. I force my eyes open, needing to escape the fantasy my heart refuses to let go of. The dreams are bad enough, but they’ve intensified, and even spilled into daydreams, as my return to the winery gets closer. I ran away all those years ago, and stayed away as long as I could, but the time has come for me to go home. Despite my efforts, I’m no closer to ridding my heart of Jack Ryan today than I was all those years ago.

Jack Ryan has been a part of my life, whether I wanted him in it or not, since I was seven years old. He’s pretty much witnessed every significant event in my life. He knows more about me than most. He was my brother’s best friend, and mine too. He became my ideal of the perfect guy, which basically means he had the power to make me and break me.

He’s also the one guy that could twist me up and then unravel. Which he did do. Brilliantly.

After all these years you would think he wouldn’t still be on my brain, but he is. You see guys like Jack don’t ever really leave you. They stick on your brain like super glue. They might loosen a tad but that fucker isn’t going anywhere.

Once you have someone like that in your life, you can’t help what you do or how you act.

Growing up, I let my feelings for Jack intensify but kept my silence. He became my first crush. But it went beyond that; I loved him. Even as he turned into a male whore, I loved him. I knew the real him, the one others didn’t see.

From the moment he pulled my ponytail he had my heart. I was young but still knew what love was. I grew up surrounded by it. But the depth of it took a lot longer to grasp.

Jack has staked his claim and there hasn’t been much room for anyone else. I tried over the years but it always ended badly. I dated a ton and college was the perfect place for that. But no one really captured my attention because Jack was clouding it.

Then last year I found myself with my first long term boyfriend. I thought I had finally silenced Mr. Ryan.

I met Reid at the campus bookstore. It turned out we were both in the same class. One cup of coffee and three hours later, I was hooked. He was the opposite of any guy I had ever met. That excited me. I honestly thought this was the guy. Finally.

When we started to talk about moving in together after graduation, I knew it was serious. That’s when the doubts crept in. Too many questions jumbled my brain. I put in the effort, but in the end it felt wrong.

Perhaps my subconscious was deliberately sabotaging it.

As crazy as it sounds, I realized this while watching a repeat of Grey’s Anatomy. It was about the idea of having a person. I thought long and hard about that. Then the questions started. What is a person to me? What is my definition of it?

I came up with a list because that’s what I do. For me, the definition of person is someone in your life that is there for you no matter what. Who loves you for all that you are - your past, present, and future. Someone you could be with for the rest of your life. A person you could count on. As much as I wanted it to be Reid, it wasn’t. He was not what I pictured for my future.

That’s when Jack reentered my life. Still stuck. He’s the only one that made me feel wanted. It wasn’t fair to Reid or myself. So I ended it, and it was awful.

It took me a while to realize what I wanted and needed. I had to be alone. To find out who I was without Jack or anyone. I needed to find me. It was scary and not easy, but I made it to the other side. Who I used to be was not me now. No backtracking only forward.

Jack was a backtrack.

Grabbing water, I drop my restless body on the couch. It drives me crazy that I still think of him. He hasn’t changed over the years. He’s a womanizer who never stays with anyone too long. But here I am still haunted by him. Now that I’m going home, he’s on my mind even more. Living Jack free is increasingly impossible.

If there’s one score on my side, it's that I’m not the same old Jenny. The old me was way different. I was a tomboy, nerd, klutz, wine maker, reader, writer, ball buster (yes, girls can be that too) and a hopeless romantic. I set my sights on making Jack my romantic idol and hero. Which, of course, was an epic let down.

Today I’m different. Being alone shaped me and forced me to find out who I am now, and to not live by anyone else's definition. I make my own rules and live my life the best way I know how. Each day is a gift and I embrace it. I won’t strive for less. A select few are in my trust circle and I like it that way.

My anger for Jack is still there; that hasn’t lessened. So why do I still dream of him?

Then I go back to the great unknown question. Who is my person? My best friend Sam is that for me, even though it drives her insane when I say that. She wants me to chill over the idea of a ‘person’ so I made her watch the episode. That shut her up.

Perhaps someday I will find the great love of my life. But as Gramps likes to tell me, "it will happen when it happens.”

Lying back, I let that ruminate. I’m still a romantic but I’m also a realist. Can that even exist?

What I had with Jack was a fantasy, crush, friend, and the perfect boy I built up in my head. Reid was real, but too much was missing. The longer we were together, the more it came out. I wasn’t able to be who I was because I didn’t know myself yet.

I’ve had two heartbreaks in my life. Now that I’m alone, I’ve learned from them. What I want and need is clear, and I won’t accept anything less. It doesn’t have to be perfect but perfect for me.

Deciding that I’m going to skip my eight a.m. class, I climb back into bed. Jack’s face appears again as I close my eyes. He was the cliché boy next door that I fell in love with. He came over to play one day and my heart was done for. Unrequited love sucks.

The past five years I learned who I was, but it was a long road. I moved on from Jack and even fell in love with someone else. However with my return home looming over my head, my confidence is slipping. In a short time, he will be in my space again.

I’m still angry at how he hurt me, even though he doesn’t know why. The right thing to do would be to tell him everything and then move on. Get some closure so I can continue my personal growth. But this is Jack, my first love. How could I resist his charm and womanizing ways?

But I have to. He’s not part of who I am now. He doesn’t know the woman I’ve become.