My breathing is shaky as my body trembles from the inside out. The words I want to say come out barely above a whisper. These words will define who we are and what will happen next. However, they need to be said. It’s the only way to move forward.

My head lifts to see the shock on his face. His eyes are clouded with uncertainty as I find the courage to continue. I can tell he’s surprised by my response, especially after telling him how much I love him. Sometimes love isn’t enough.

I need something from him. I don’t know what it is, I just know I need more. Who even knows if the more he gives will make a difference. I know I need to speak from my heart if I want a chance for us. My trembling hands reach for his to place in mine. My breath evens as I find the strength to continue.

“Jack, you know I love you. I’ve loved you ever since I can remember. It’s always been you.” His hands tighten around mine as his mouth opens to speak. I have to stop him. I need to finish before I chicken out. “Don’t. Let me finish. Please.” His grip loosens as he gives his head a slight nod.

“I was a little kid and didn’t know what love was. I mean I loved my family, but what I felt for you was beyond different and extreme. As we grew up together, it only became stronger. It was definitely love. There’s no denying that. I could never keep that contained anyway. Everyone knew how I felt about you.” We both softly laugh at the memory. “You had to know how deeply I felt for you. Did you?”

His hand breaks from mine as he rubs his temple. He’s either trying to recall or erase the memory. “I remember everything, Jenny. All of it. Every single embarrassing, crazy, silly, and yet always amazing moments. They shaped us and forged our paths. Don’t you think?”

His hand stays in place as a support for his head while his elbow rests on the couch. His smile widens as he speaks. “One of my favorites was when you were about sixteen. I don’t think you even know about this one. Ben and I were visiting for break and we were heading out to meet up with some friends. Just as I was leaving, I spied you sitting in the loft window. Your legs were dangling off the edge, swaying in the breeze. Your head was planted in a book and your hair was up. You had those sexy glasses on that were too big for your face.”

Jack’s eyes look glassy as he recalls the image. “You took my breath away at that instant. I knew then. It made me believe in love at first sight because the emotions emanating from me were unlike anything I’d ever experienced.”

The sharp intake of air pains me as I listen to him tell me his private truths. Love sucks. It can be beautiful but also torturous. It fucks with our minds and soul. My mouth opens to talk but he quickly shushes me. “Let me finish, baby.” I give him a slight nod to continue as I test my patience in keeping quiet. My teeth bite the inside of my mouth to assist me.

“That moment scared the hell out of me. I was hit with so much so fast that I had to step away. I forced myself to keep distant. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The connection toward you overwhelmed me.” His hand leaves his head and touches my face. “You need to know that I’ve been fighting it for years because I thought you were better off without me. I didn’t think I deserved to be loved by you. So whatever you are about to say right now could break me, Jenny. I’ve been broken for far too long.”

The sting is instantaneous. I’m going to hurt the only man I’ve ever loved all due to my selfish need and insecurities. But this has to be said, and time needs to be given. It’s the only way we can possibly have a future together. In that I’m sure of.

“Jack…I had no idea you’ve felt this way for so long. Honestly, I thought I was alone with my feelings. However, it doesn’t change the truths that need to come out and be resolved. I was fractured and broken, too.”

He quickly covers my mouth in a futile attempt to stop me. “Then let’s heal each other. We can fix and mend the pieces together. It’s the splintered parts that let the light in to heal us.” He takes both his hands and cups my face, looking me head on. “Jenny, let my light in. With my lights and your brightness, we will overcome anything. Always.”

The tears are overflowing again, running down the fingers of the man who owns my heart. “Jack, I want to heal us but I need time. I need you to understand what happened to me so long ago and how it affects me still.” My hands hold onto his as I pull them off me.

His frustration is evident. I could always read him. “Then what the fuck is it, Jenny Bean? My tolerance is waning and I’m about to explode in frustration. So spit it out!”

And there’s my Jack.

“OK! OK!” My body practically leaps off the couch with nervous anticipation. This is not going to go well.

“My graduation party…the girl you brought…I saw you…” He looks even more confused as I continue recalling the memory. “Remember the night you kissed me?” He only sits and lets me continue. “I know you felt our connection but you ran away. Then the next night I was determined to follow through with you but you left me, Jack. And went to her. Your body told me how you felt but then you turned to her. I saw you, Jack. I saw you fucking her after you touched me. The same hands that held me before were now all over her.” I grab my stomach in hopes of easing the nausea, but it’s a vain attempt.

Jack shakes his head as he leans forward, resting his arms on his knees. “Jenny, I’m so sorry. I had no idea you saw that. Clearly, I wasn’t thinking and lapsed into my asshole self. My feelings for you terrified me and I didn’t know what to do. I regressed into my typical pattern I knew all too well.” He stands up to approach me, but out of either fear or protection I move backward.

“Is that why you’ve been so angry with me all this time?” His head leans in that sexy, quizzical way that turns me on. He always gets that look when he’s making a realization. My body has to fight off the intensity of him.

“That’s part of it, Jack. I felt like I couldn’t trust you. But then I made a stupid decision, and I’ve blamed you for it. I now know you weren’t responsible for my actions, but when I saw you with someone else today it resurfaced and my insecurities busted through.”

This time I let him close in on me. His hands grab for my arms and grips them firm. “What the fuck are you talking about? Today? What did you do? Tell me…please. I know we can fix it.”

“I don’t know if we can.”

“Fuck that, Jenny, you made me believe in love and myself. We can. So tell me.” My body jumps at his tone but not in a fearful way. His love is more intense than I ever thought imaginable. Perhaps we can repair it.

“I slept with Liam that night. I ran into him in the field and had sex with him. My first time. I resented you for that.” He lets go of me and steps away. The space is empty and cold between us. His words fill the air.

“Jenny, this is the second time tonight I’ve felt like I wasn’t expecting that.”