Twenty-Three
The drive felt like the longest four hours of my life. I didn’t say much and neither did Adam. The radio was on simply to fill the silence. I don’t think either of us actually listened to any of the songs. I’d rested my head against the window as Boston faded from view and was replaced with the green hills of my home state. The quiet peacefulness of Vermont I had always loved brought me no comfort this time though, just reminders of my life with my family.
I tried keeping my mind focused on nothing. I didn’t want to relive any memories or think about the fact that my father wouldn’t be there when I climbed the porch steps and opened the front door. It was impossible to completely numb myself, not with the unfamiliar ache in my heart. I’d never felt anything like it. The pain was raw and heavy, as if a piece of myself was missing. I’d lost one of my grandfathers a few years ago and it hurt. I missed him, but it wasn’t like this and the closer we got to Silver Falls, the deeper the pain got.
When we turned off the highway and onto the long dirt driveway that would lead us to the old farmhouse I’d practically spent my whole life in, I felt Adam reach across the console, taking his hand with mine. I turned my head to see him giving me a supportive smile. It only lasted a second before his lips returned to the straight line that had been on his face all day. For that brief moment though, I did feel a little better, until I turned my head forward again and saw my house come into view. My stomach began to hurt. Not a stomachache like I was sick, but one of nerves and fear. Adam’s grip grew tighter on my hand as we got closer to the house. I saw Sawyer’s truck and Lindsey’s car, too. There were other cars as well and I knew some of my extended family was there as well. My grandmother, Erica, my dad’s brothers. Usually I was excited to see my family, but right now was not one of those times. I didn’t want to see anyone other than my mom and my brother.
Adam eased the truck to a stop and before I could get out, I saw Sawyer standing on the porch waiting for me. I felt a lump form in my throat at the sight of him and the tears came instantly. I opened the door and he walked down the stairs, meeting me halfway. Our eyes met and I could see the shock in them. His weren’t red like mine. It looked as if he hadn’t been crying, but the look on his face was one I’d never seen on my brother before, almost as if he was lost.
“Sawyer,” I managed to choke out before I went to him, wrapping my arms around his waist. His arms were around me a second later and I lost it. I sobbed quietly into his chest and then I could feel he was crying too. I don’t know how long we stood together like that, but I didn’t want to let my brother go. Right now, he was the only person who knew how I was feeling. He was the only one who understood the pain.
His embrace finally started to loosen and when I pulled back, I saw his eyes were red and his cheeks were soaked in tears. He reached up, wiping them away with his sleeve.
“Where’s Mom?” I asked softly, wiping my own tears.
“Inside with Grandma.”
“How is she?” I asked hesitantly.
“She’s in shock, I think,” he answered quietly. “We all are.”
“What happened? Adam couldn’t tell me anything.”
Sawyer sighed, closing his eyes tightly for a moment before opening them again.
“The doctor’s not exactly sure yet, but he thinks it was a massive heart attack.”
The words were like a stabbing to my heart. Massive heart attack. Meaning my father was gone.
“Did…did he suffer?” I choked out and Sawyer shook his head.
“The doctor says no. He probably didn’t even realize what was happening.”
It was my turn to close my eyes and try not to visualize what had happened.
“Where was he?” I continued, needing these answers before we went inside and was surrounded by family members.
“He was out fixing that trough Tiny is always breaking and he’d been out there too long. When I went to look for him, I found him.” He paused for a second, taking a breath, but I saw his eyes start to water and he covered his mouth with his hand as he tried to keep control of his emotions. “I tried, Care,” he said with a trembling voice. “I called 911 and I did CPR. I tried to save him, but…but…I couldn’t. He was already gone.” He blinked and guilty tears streamed down his cheeks. It was my turn to wrap my arms around my brother.
“It’s not your fault, Sawyer,” I whispered to him, but I knew it would take a long time for him to accept there was nothing he could have done.
“I know,” he said softly. “But it doesn’t stop the feeling of thinking I could’ve done more. If I’d insisted on fixing that damn trough or if I’d gone with him…”
I cut him off and pulled back, titling this chin up so I could look at him.
“Don’t do this,” I managed to get out through the lump in my throat. He nodded quickly before the sound of the screen door opening tore through the silence. I looked up to see Erica on the porch, her curly brown hair blowing in the warm breeze, her pity filled eyes meeting mine. Slowly, she made her way down the stairs and over to us.
“I’m so sorry, Caroline,” she said as a tear fell down her cheek. She hugged me for a moment, but I didn’t know what to say and so I said nothing. I felt a hand on my back then and I knew instantly it was Adam.
“I should go see Mom,” I said softly, looking at my brother. If I stayed out here any longer, I would probably lose it again.
“Yeah,” Sawyer said listlessly and then without any more words, the four of us walked up the stairs and into the house.
Hushed voices greeted us. It created a quiet buzz in the room, but then it stopped when they heard the sound of the door close and it felt as if everyone was looking at me. Gram, Uncle Jim, Aunt Pam, Uncle Steve and Uncle Craig. It felt as if they were just staring at me and I felt the knot starting to form in my stomach again. They were all looking at me with such pity, but I was looking at them the same way. We had all lost someone. A brother. A father. I’d never felt such sadness in my house. This house had always been full of life and happiness and now it wasn’t.
“Where’s Mom?” I asked softly and my Uncle Jim walked over to me, hugging me tightly. He was built like my father. They were only two years apart and when I closed my eyes, it felt like I was in my dad’s arms again.
“She’s in the bedroom,” he told me and then I pulled away. I looked back at Adam and then to Sawyer. My brother stepped forward and I felt his hand on the small of my back, leading me past everyone and up the stairs.
We walked quietly down the hall. My parents’ bedroom door was open a crack and I could hear quiet sobs. I looked at Sawyer again, but said nothing. We got to the door and slowly, I pushed it open.
I saw her sitting on the edge of the bed, her head in her hands. I’d never seen someone look so sad. So lost. She was on his side of the bed. He’d slept in it only this morning. The smell of him was probably still on the sheets. I felt the grief welling up and I sniffled loudly when I tried to hold back the tears, causing my mother’s head to jerk up, looking right at me.
“Caroline,” she whispered. Her eyes were red and swollen. She was empty behind them. I didn’t even recognize her.
“Mom,” I said softly before I crossed the room and sat down next to her, wrapping my arms around her. She cried into my chest and I held her tightly. I felt like the mother at that moment and I pulled her even closer. Sawyer sat down on the other side of her and put his arms around her too. It felt so strange as I realized there would only be three of us from now on. My family of four was now three. My dad was gone and together, we cried for him in only the way we could.
“It’ll be okay, Mom,” Sawyer reassured her.
“How can you say that, Sawyer?” she choked out. “He’s gone. He was here this morning. Everything was okay and now…now he’s not. He’s gone. How can you tell me it will be okay?”
“We’ll get through this. Together,” my brother said, our eyes meeting, looking to me for help. Our mother was crumbling and we had to keep her together.
“We will, Mom,” I told her. “We’ll be okay.” The words were coming out of my mouth, but I couldn’t make myself believe them. She couldn’t know that though. She had spent her entire life keeping Sawyer and I safe; making sure we were okay; putting us first, but now, as I looked at my brother, we knew we now had to do that for her.
~~~
I stepped outside of my parents’ room, closing the door gently behind me. Sawyer had left the room a half an hour ago, but I’d stayed with my mom. We’d laid together on the bed, side by side. I’d held her hand and listened as she tried not to cry. She hadn’t said much. Neither of us knew what to say, but then she told me she wanted to be alone. I thought about protesting, but decided not to. If she wanted to be alone, I couldn’t force her not to be. I told her I would be downstairs and she told me she’d get me if she needed me. I’d then reluctantly left my spot beside her and left the room.
When I looked down the hallway, I was surprised to see Adam standing there, leaning against the wall next to the door of my old bedroom. When he saw me, he uncrossed his arms, looking at me delicately, as if he didn’t know what to say to me or how to act. I saw the concern in his eyes. The sadness. My dad had been like a second father to him growing up. I knew he was hurting too. He was also hurting for Sawyer and I.
“How is she?” he asked quietly when I made my way to him. He took one of my hands and then tucked a piece of hair behind my ear with his free hand.
“She’s in shock. She doesn’t want to believe it,” I answered softly, a lump forming in my throat again. “None of us do.”
He was quiet as a tear fell down my cheek. He reached up, gently brushing it away. I saw tears in his eyes too and when he spoke finally, his voice was shaky.
“I don’t know what to say, Caroline. I’m so sorry, baby.”
A tear fell slowly down his cheek and this time it was me who reached up and wiped it away. I circled my arms around his waist then, burrowing my cheek into his chest. His arms slid around me, pulling me close.
“There’s nothing to say,” I whispered. “He’s gone.”
I felt Adam start to tremble then. I closed my eyes, trying to stop my own tears from coming, but I couldn’t. They came and they flowed like a river and I didn’t think they would ever stop.