Twenty-Four
The house was quiet. Gone were the sea of relatives that had been there since I got home and the silence was almost deafening. My mom was asleep. She hadn’t come out of her room all night. I’d tried taking her some of the casserole one of my aunts had brought over, but she wouldn’t eat. I couldn’t fault her though. I hadn’t been able to touch anything myself either.
Different relatives cycled in and out of the room as the evening went on. My uncles and Sawyer were handling all of the arrangements and were trying to fill my mother in on what needed to be done the next day, but she sat quietly, simply nodding her head. I knew she wasn’t really listening to any of it.
Finally, when the house was quiet and everyone had gone home, my mom told Sawyer and I she wanted to go to bed. I’d asked her if she wanted me to sleep with her, but she shook her head and disappeared into her room.
Sawyer had left too. He and Lindsey were staying at the stable house and so it left just Adam and I in the old farmhouse.
I was exhausted. I didn’t think I had ever been so tired in my life. Every ounce of me was drained and there was an ache in my heart that continued to grow deeper as my new reality started to set in.
I put on my pajamas and brushed my teeth robotically. I was simply going through the motions as if I were on autopilot.
Adam was waiting in my old bedroom when I walked in. He was still dressed, but sitting on the bed. He stood up when he saw me and walked to my side, taking my hand and leading me back to the bed. He pulled the covers back and I climbed inside.
“Why aren’t you in your pajamas yet?” I asked him.
“I didn’t know if you wanted me to stay in here with you or not.”
“Of course, I do,” I answered quickly. We didn’t sleep together in my parents’ house when we came back to visit. Even though we lived together and my parents obviously knew that, it didn’t feel right sharing a bed under their roof when we weren’t married. Tonight was different though. I needed him.
“You’re okay with that?” he asked softly, running his fingertips gently over my cheek.
“I can’t be alone tonight,” I told him and he nodded.
“Alright,” he said and then stood up, going over to his bag.
He didn’t say anything as he peeled off his t-shirt and jeans and slipped on a pair of shorts and white undershirt. He went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and a few minutes later, he turned out the light and got in bed beside me.
The room was dark, but it was nearly a full moon tonight and bits of light streamed in through the cracks in the curtains. It created a soft glow around the room, accentuating Adam’s features as I lay on my side, facing him. His head was resting on the pillow, his eyes meeting mine as we lay in silence. I could see his concern and then I felt his touch on my cheek again.
“I’m here for you, Caroline,” he whispered. “Whatever you need.”
I reached over and stroked his cheek as well. The way he looked at me, I could tell how much he loved me. I could feel it. If he wasn’t here at this moment, I didn’t know what I’d do.
“This doesn’t seem real,” I said, my voice sounding too loud in the silence. “I keep thinking it’s a bad dream. I keep thinking he’s going to walk through the door. That tomorrow when I wake up, he’ll be tending the cows like he always is. That he’s asleep in bed with my mom right now.”
“I know, baby,” he said. “I keep hoping for that too.”
“I mean…he…he can’t be dead, Adam. My dad’s one of the healthiest men I know. How…how can this happen?” I sniffled and the tears came again.
“Some things we can’t understand, Care. This is one of those things. It doesn’t make sense. None of it makes sense.”
I was quiet for a few moments as my mind raced. There were too many emotions going on inside of me that I couldn’t make sense of any of them.
“What’re we gonna do without him?” I finally said, my voice cracking as the words left my mouth. “The farm. My mom. Sawyer.” I was rambling and then I felt Adam’s finger resting softly on my lips, gently silencing me.
“You can’t answer all of these questions right now, Care,” he whispered. “I promise you though,” he said, looking me right in the eye, “we’ll get through this. I won’t say it’ll be okay because it’ll never be okay, but we’ll get through this. I promise.”
I closed my eyes, trying to wrangle in my emotions. It was no use though. He was right that it would never be okay, but I didn’t understand how we would get through it like he promised. I didn’t want to think about the future. I didn’t want to think about how we would move forward from this. I didn’t want to think about the fact I would never see my father in this life again. All I wanted was to forget about it all.
I found myself moving closer to Adam, pressing my body against his before slowly bringing my lips to his. In the instant the kiss began, my mind closed off to everything. For that moment, the pain was numbed. I could focus my mind on one thing and that one thing was Adam, not the immeasurable pain that had consumed my body ever since he had uttered the words that changed my life.
My lips began moving faster, my tongue eagerly dancing with his. I could feel him kissing me back, but then he stopped, our mouths still so close.
“Caroline,” he whispered. “We can’t. Not here. Not now.”
“Yes, we can,” I countered softly. “I need you right now. I need you to make me forget, even if it’s just for a little bit,” I continued as the tears started to fall slowly down my cheeks. Our eyes met and I knew he could see my sadness and the desperation to block it all from mind. “Make me forget, Adam. Please,” I choked out. I didn’t have to ask him again. His lips were on mine as the heaviness of his body began to consume me. It wasn’t long before he was making love to me, slow and silent, so gentle and loving, and for those moments, the pain was gone. It was just him and me and it was wonderful, but I knew when it was over, it would all come flooding back and I would have given anything to make this moment last forever.