Twenty-Seven
Life continued to go on. I was on autopilot the next few days. I woke up each morning and helped Sawyer with the cows and then sat with my mother at night. She didn’t say much, but I knew she liked the company. Adam had made it back to Boston and his start hadn’t gone as well as he would’ve liked. He only made it to the fifth inning and the Sox ended up losing the game. Adam didn’t seem like himself on the mound and I knew his mind wasn’t on the game. I knew he was thinking of me. He had tried to tell me otherwise on the phone, but I didn’t believe him and the following day, the team headed to Texas. He was scheduled to start on Friday night, the night before my father’s funeral. I sat with my mother, brother and Lindsey as we watched the game. Adam was different this time. He was focused and he made it through seven innings, having only given up one run. The Sox won and that gave me a reason to smile on the eve of the hardest day of my life.
I didn’t sleep much the night before my father’s funeral. I tossed and turned, trying not to relive the memories with him and think about the ones we would never have. I managed to sleep a little though. The only reason I knew that was because of the flashes of the few sporadic dreams my mind had concocted during the brief minutes of sleep.
My eyes were heavy when they opened in the morning and a pit formed in my stomach when I remembered what today was. I pulled the covers off and went to the window, pulling the curtains open. I looked out over the farm, the green of the trees stretching as far as I could see. Sometimes I forgot just how beautiful this place was and it struck me that I shouldn’t be reminded of it on a day like today. I couldn’t deny it though. The Hale Farm was a spectacular place. It always had been and I had been lucky enough to be raised in a place like this, with a father like the one I’d been given, and today was the day we would say goodbye to him.
I felt a tear splash onto my hand. I hadn’t even realized I was crying until I felt the wetness on my skin. I took a deep breath and wiped at my face before turning away from the window and walking into the bathroom.
I took a long shower and then took my time doing my hair, drying it long and straight before running my flatiron over it. I put on my makeup and then went back to my room, staring at the dress hanging on the back of the door. It was all black, hanging down to my knees with a scoop neck and cap sleeves. It was exactly what a dress for a funeral should look like, as macabre as it sounded. I slid it on along with a pair of black tights and pumps, looking myself over in the mirror before heading downstairs.
It was nearly ten o’clock when I walked into the kitchen. The service wasn’t until one and when I walked into the kitchen, my mother, Sawyer and Lindsey sat at the table drinking coffee and piecing at a breakfast casserole someone had brought over. None of them were dressed for the funeral. My mom was still in her robe and Lindsey was in a maxi skirt and comfortable white shirt. Sawyer was in jeans and a t-shirt. I knew he had tended to the cows already. I should have been out there helping him, but with my trouble sleeping, I’d slept in and missed the morning milking. I hoped he wasn’t too upset with me.
When I walked in, their heads all turned in my direction and their eyes seemed to widen at the sight of me in all black. I felt sorely out of place and realized I shouldn’t have gotten ready so soon.
“Good morning,” I said softly, walking to the counter and grabbing a mug to pour myself some coffee.
“Morning,” they all seemed to answer in unison and I joined them at the table a moment later.
“We’ll meet at the church around noon,” Sawyer said after a little while. “We’ll have our private family time before the service and after the service is over, we’ll head to the cemetery.”
I heard my mother take in a deep breath at my brother’s words and she choked up, her hand cupping her mouth. I reached over and rested my hand on her free one and she gripped it tightly.
“Are you going to be okay, Mom?” I asked gently and she nodded.
“Yes. I’ll be fine. Don’t you worry about me,” she said, but we didn’t unlock our hands. “Your father wouldn’t want me carrying on like this. He’d want me to be strong.”
“We’ll get there, Mom,” I said softly. “But, today is not the day any of us needs to be strong.”
“Caroline’s right,” Sawyer added. “We’re here for you, Mom.”
“And I’m here for you, too. I’m your mother and I’m here.” She reached for Sawyer’s hand and she held both of ours tightly. “We’ll get through this. Together we will because we’re the Hales and that’s what we do.”
She looked both of us in the eye, trying to convince us of this. I saw her determination, but I also saw the fear and uncertainty. I knew she was close to breaking down and I promised myself then, I couldn’t let that happen.
~~~
I kept glancing at the clock. It was almost noon. I hadn’t heard from Adam since the morning when he was boarding his flight from Houston. He had a quick layover in Atlanta before catching his flight to Burlington. I’d originally thought he would fly into Boston and drive to Silver Falls, but he wouldn’t have time and so he would fly into the airport only forty-five minutes from home. He’d catch a flight the next day to Cleveland where he would catch back up with the team for the duration of the road trip. He would only be home for a day, but I would take any amount of time with him, especially now as I climbed into the back seat of Sawyer’s SUV to head over to the church. I had expected to be making this ride with Adam and I was starting to worry about him.
We were silent on the drive over, Sawyer and Lindsey in the front seat while I held my mother’s hand in the back. We pulled up to the church and I knew most of our family was already there waiting. Before getting out, I reached into my purse to check my phone for any messages from Adam. There were none and I slid it back inside before getting out.
Erica walked out almost the moment we got out. I hadn’t spoken much to her. I had wanted to keep to myself, but I knew I couldn’t keep her at bay for long.
She walked down the steps of the church quickly and over to where I stood, embracing me tightly before pulling back.
“How are you doing?” she asked delicately, which was surprising for my cousin. Erica could rarely be referred to as delicate.
“I’m okay,” I told her and then I noticed her looking around.
“Where’s Adam? I thought he was supposed to be here,” she said and I felt the knot growing in my stomach.
“He’s supposed to be. I don’t know why he’s not here yet.”
“Have you tried calling?” she asked and I nodded.
“I’ve tried a few times. It goes straight to voicemail,” I told her and she sighed in concern.
“Don’t worry, Care,” she said, resting her hand on my forearm as she looked into my eyes. “He’ll be here. He will.”
I nodded to show I shared in the same hope, but didn’t say anything as we headed into the church.
Erica linked arms with me and I followed my mom and Sawyer into a private room. My family was already there, standing around. I could see my father’s casket at the back of the room and I felt my stomach drop.
I watched as my brother put his arm around my mom, keeping her steady as they walked towards it, stopping when they got to it. My mother seemed frozen as she stood there, but then her head bowed and she lifted her hand, resting it on what I assumed was my father’s. I couldn’t really tell since their backs were to us.
My mom stood there for a long time. Sawyer eventually left her side, but she remained there. I wondered what she was thinking. Was she talking to him? If she was, what was she saying and could he hear her?
Suddenly, I felt an arm slide around my waist, causing me to jump and when I turned to see who it was, Adam was looking back at me.
“Oh my gosh!” I whispered, throwing my arms his neck. “I was beginning to think you weren’t coming.”
“I’m sorry, baby,” he said as I buried my face into his chest.
“Where have you been?” I asked, pulling back and looking into his eyes.
“I’m sorry. We were late leaving Atlanta due to weather and then there was traffic on the way back to Silver Falls. Some kind of accident with a semi.”
“Why didn’t you call?” I asked, suddenly overcome with anger. “You said you’d be here, Adam. I was counting on you! I needed you!”
“I’m sorry. My phone died. I know it sounds ridiculous, but my mind has been all over the place lately and I forgot to charge it last night and once I realized there was an issue, the battery was dead and when I went to charge it, I realized I forgot my charger. I’m sorry, Care. I got here as fast as I could though. I told you I’d be here and I’m here, even if it’s a little late.”
I could see the apology on his face and I couldn’t stay mad at him.
“I’m just glad you’re here,” I finally said, reaching up and running my fingertips along his cheek. It didn’t matter how he’d gotten here or that he was late, he was here. Just like he said he would be.
“Me too,” he said softly, kissing me on the forehead, his lips resting there for a few long moments before pulling away and holding my hand as we looked at my mom, still by the casket.
“I don’t know how she’s doing it. How she’s not completely falling apart,” I whispered to him.
“Maybe she is. She’s just not showing it.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” I admitted and then I felt his arm around me when my mom walked away from the casket. I could see the outline of my father in the distance and a lump formed in my throat. I started walking towards the casket, Adam following behind, but then I stopped.
“Have you been over to see him yet?” Adam asked quietly.
“No,” I said, turning to him. “I don’t think I can.”
“You don’t have to, Care,” he told me and I swallowed hard through the lump in my throat.
“Maybe I should though. It still doesn’t feel real. Maybe this will help give me some closure.” I was trying to rationalize the decision in my head. To go or not to go. But then the decision was made for me as my body seemed to take action itself and started towards my father on its own.
I didn’t know what to expect when I got there and when I looked down at the man I’d adored my whole life, my hand flew to my mouth as I tried to hold in my tears. This wasn’t my father. This wasn’t the man who had taken me hiking, the man who had taught me to ride a bike. The man who had chased the monsters out of my closet. This was only a shell. My father was gone and when the tears came, Adam was there beside me, pulling me to him as I cried softly into his chest.
“I’m here, Caroline. It’ll be okay,” he whispered to me, but I didn’t think anything would be okay again.