Thirty-Five
Mondays were usually off days for Adam. Today was no different and as I walked into the house after work, I knew he would be waiting for me. It had been weird between us over the weekend, even after we spoke Saturday morning. I had built a wall around myself and Adam could feel it. He’d gone to the ballpark early that day, saying he was going to work out, when truthfully, I knew he just wanted to escape the tension between us. Sunday had been the same. We were polite and cordial to each other, but the tension was still there and he left late morning for a one o’clock game. He didn’t get home till almost seven. I’d gone to bed shortly after, claiming to be tired. When he came to bed, I was already asleep and when I left for work, he was still in bed.
I hated the way it was between us. He had done everything he could to be there for me, but I couldn’t let him. My primary focus was helping my family not lose the farm.
I set my purse on a hook in the entryway and then slowly made my way to the kitchen. Adam was at the stove cooking dinner. It all seemed so normal for a change, having him home at a regular time instead of at Fenway or on the road. Seeing him like this made me smile and it reminded me why, despite the pressure of dating a very public figure, I loved my life here with Adam. It wasn’t the farm. It wasn’t what I had grown up with or ever envisioned for my life, but it was our life and I hoped someday we could get back to it.
“Hi,” I said over the sounds of the stove. Something was simmering and it smelled delicious.
He turned around, his dark hair falling on his forehead and he smiled. We hadn’t smiled a lot since he got home from his last road trip, after I’d learned of my family’s predicament. I’d missed it.
“I thought I’d make shrimp risotto,” he said and I grinned to myself again. “What’s that smile for?” he asked.
“I’m just remembering the first time you made me shrimp risotto,” I said and I felt my cheeks blush as I was transported back to that night during the summer he had returned to Silver Falls. We were just exploring our relationship. It was still a secret to everyone but us. He’d shown off his culinary skills with his grandmother’s recipe, but somehow, I’d ended up on the counter with my shirt off, finally understanding just what Adam’s touch could do to me and how in love I was with him.
“Yeah,” he said with a sly grin, “that was a good night.”
It was hard to remember that time, when life seemed full of possibilities, when I learned what true love was, when we’d had our perfect summer in Silver Falls before everything changed.
“When will dinner be ready?” I asked.
“Ten minutes.”
“Mind if I go change first?”
“Go ahead. It’ll be ready when you come back down.”
He smiled that perfect Adam smile at me before turning back to the stove and I went upstairs.
I changed from my work clothes and into a pair of sweatpants and a comfortable t-shirt. I pulled my hair up into a loose bun and then looked at myself in the mirror.
He was being so sweet, despite how I’d been treating him lately. I felt a pit form in my stomach though as I thought about what I had to tell him. I could only hope he would understand and that he would be patient with me. If he couldn’t, I had to prepare myself for the possible consequences, regardless of how painful that might be.
I took a deep breath and told myself to enjoy this dinner he had made for us before talking to him.
The table was set when I walked back to the kitchen. He had set out a plate of risotto for each of us and a glass of wine for me and a glass of water for him. He pulled out my chair for me and then I sat down.
“Thank you for dinner,” I said after I’d taken my first bite. “Although I wish you hadn’t gone to so much trouble on your day off.”
“It was no trouble. I like doing this stuff for you when I can, Caroline,” he said and then looked up at me from across the table. “I know it’s been hard having me away so much.”
“It has,” I agreed, “but you can’t help it. I understand.”
“The season is almost over though and then I’ll be around so much, you’ll get sick of me,” he said and we both laughed softly, both of us aware of the tension between us lately. The laughter didn’t come freely. It was careful laughter as if we were both trying to feel the other out.
“I could never get sick of you, Adam,” I said honestly, reaching out and resting my hand on his across the table.
“Ditto,” he said, smiling sweetly at me.
“Play-offs start next week,” I said. “How are you feeling about it?”
“Nervous,” he said, chuckling softly.
“You guys have been so good this year, especially you,” I said, smiling supportively at him.
“Thank you,” he said humbly. “There were definitely things I could’ve improved on, but it’s been a pretty good comeback season.”
“I’m so proud of you. I know I haven’t been the easiest to be around lately, but I want you to know that.”
“I know, Care,” he said, lifting the back of my hand to his mouth and kissing it.
I smiled at him and it felt good between us. It felt almost like it used to be, before my life changed. I wanted to treasure this moment because I knew it was about to change even more.
~~~
Even though Adam had cooked, he’d insisted on cleaning up as well. I tried to argue, but he wouldn’t let me and he shooed me into the living room where I stretched out on the couch, closing my eyes for a few minutes while I waited for him.
I didn’t have to wait long and fifteen minutes later, I heard his footsteps walking towards me. I pulled myself up just as he sat down beside me.
“You didn’t have to get up on my account,” he said and I felt my heart start to pound as I prepared myself to talk to him.
“Adam,” I began nervously. “I…I need to talk to you about something.”
I watched as he shifted uncomfortably on the cushion next to me.
“What about?” he asked, the apprehension heavy in his voice.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and…and I think…I think I need to go home…for a while…to help my family.”
His back stiffened and he looked away for a second, rubbing his hands together anxiously.
“For a little while? What does that mean, Caroline?”
“I can’t stay here anymore while my family needs help.”
“I thought Sawyer was hiring someone.”
“He is…he will, but he can’t. Not right now,” I said softly, wishing I could tell him everything. Adam didn’t need to know this though, not until my family had figured it out.
“What about your job?” he asked and my mind drifted back to the office today when I’d asked to speak with Ron privately. When I’d tried holding myself together in his office when I told him about my family and how I felt I needed to be there to help. I figured Ron would give me his blessing, telling me he understood and that I would be missed. What I didn’t expect was for him to offer me the chance to telework for a while so I wouldn’t have to leave Logics. I’d been flabbergasted at the offer and quickly accepted. It wouldn’t be forever, but hopefully long enough that I could help my family find our way out of this mess.
“My boss says I can telework for a while. I can work on writing the programs we’ve been working on in Vermont so I can still help out Sawyer.”
Adam was quiet. It felt like forever that his gaze stared off into nothing. I was growing more anxious the longer the silence passed between us.
“How long have you been thinking about this?” he finally asked.
“Only since I went home over Labor Day. When I saw how much I was needed.”
“I wish you would’ve told me you were contemplating this.”
“I’m sorry, Adam. I was afraid to say anything. I thought you’d be upset.”
“Why would I be upset at you for wanting to help your family?”
“I don’t know. Because of our life here together.”
“I’ll miss the hell out of you, but I would never stop you from helping your family. I can’t believe you’d think I would be angry,” he said, but then paused, looking at me curiously. “Unless…are you breaking up with me, Care?” His last sentence was quiet and I could see the worry in his eyes.
“No!” I exclaimed, scooting even closer to him and taking his hand. “No, Adam. I’m not breaking up with you. I did that once and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I want to be with you more than anything, but I can’t keep going on like this. I’ve been snapping at you, giving you the cold shoulder and for no reason at all except I can’t stop thinking about my family and how I should be helping more.”
I could see the relief wash over his face.
“You need to go then. You need to be with them,” he said softly.
“I know this isn’t good timing with play-offs coming up. Are you sure it’s okay?”
“You don’t need my permission, Caroline, but if you feel you need my blessing, you’ve got it.” His hand reached up, his fingertips brushing over my cheek as his eyes moved slowly over my face. “One of the reasons I fell in love with you is because of who you are, because of how much you care about everyone else. I’m actually surprised you’ve stayed in Boston as long as you have. I thought you would go home right away after your dad passed. If Silver Falls is where you need to be, then you need to go. I’ll be waiting for you when you want to come back.”
Tears started filling my eyes. He was being so kind. So understanding. So Adam. And still, I didn’t tell him the truth. I knew I should, but I didn’t. This would pass. I would go home. We’d figure it out and then I’d come home to my Adam.
“You’ll never understand how much I love you, Adam,” I choked out and then my arms were around him, hugging him tightly.
“When do you leave?” he whispered into my ear as he held me.
“I’ll finish the week here and then leave Saturday morning,” I said, pulling back and looking into his eyes. “Thank you for understanding.”
“Always,” he said, pushing a piece of hair behind my ear and then slowly, we drifted towards each other, our lips brushing lightly, so soft, so delicately. I found myself leaning back, the heaviness of Adam’s body on top of me. Our mouths began moving more eagerly, our tongues pushing deeper as his hands traced every curve of my body. We hadn’t made love since he came home and my body was aching for him. I knew his was aching too. If I ever needed him, it was now.
“I want you, Adam,” I whispered as his hand began climbing under my shirt. He paused for a moment, meeting my eyes. I could see how much he wanted me. He kissed me deeply then, his hips pressing firmly to mine, sending a shiver over my body. When his lips left mine, he slowly sat up, his hands pushing into the waistband of my pants and slowly taking them off. He began tracing gentle kisses up my thighs until his hands pushed under my shirt until it was off and on the floor beside my sweats. The way he looked at me made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I would miss him when I was gone and I planned to take as much of him as I could get before I left.
He grabbed the collar of his t-shirt, pulling it off, nothing hiding his strong muscles anymore. I would never get used to the sight of him like this.
I sat up, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him down on top of me, my mouth smashing on his, our hands scrambling to remove the rest of our clothes until there was nothing separating us. He settled in between my legs and soon we were one. I closed my eyes as we moved together, losing myself in him and wanting to always remember this feeling.