Thirty-Four
TROUBLE IN PARADISE?
I was staring at a text from Erica as I sat on the couch the next night watching the baseball game. I had barely spoken to Adam since last night. I’d woken up before him to go to work. I’d kissed him on the cheek when I left, but he’d still been in bed when I walked out the door. I’d texted him to wish him luck on his start and he’d called me for a few brief minutes before he had to go. It was now the fifth inning. Adam wasn’t having a great game, but it wasn’t his worst. I wondered if his troubles on the mound were from the way I’d acted the night before.
ME: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
ERICA: THIS.
A second later, she had attached a link, which I clicked on. I immediately rolled my eyes when I saw what it was: a picture from last night at the restaurant. Someone had been there and they had captured me in all my glory. I hadn’t realized how harsh I had been looking at Adam across the table, but the mystery photographer had captured it all. The scowl on my face and the way I had ripped my hand away from Adam’s. They had even caught me storming off to the bathroom. Underneath the pictures was a small article.
Adam DeLain, Single? Maybe.
Sources at Lucca Back Bay Thursday night reported what appeared to be an intimate dinner between Boston’s All-Star pitcher, Adam DeLain, and his long-time girlfriend, Caroline Hale, turned out to be anything but. Halfway through the meal, Hale was seen storming away from the table, disappearing into the bathroom for over ten minutes. When the distraught looking woman finally emerged, she and DeLain quickly left the restaurant. Could this signal the end of their relationship and offer hope that one of baseball’s most eligible bachelors is on the market again? Chances are looking pretty good that DeLain will soon be on the hunt for someone new to play catch with.
I laughed out loud at the ridiculousness of the article, especially the corniness of the last line. But then the laughter quickly turned to annoyance. It had been a long time since I’d felt the public’s scrutiny of my relationship with Adam. It had been one of the hardest things I’d had to learn to accept when Adam and I became a couple. It was one of the biggest reasons I’d broken up with him. I didn’t like the attention or how it made me feel. I’d now learned to live with it though and it wasn’t that bad anymore. It was times like this though I was reminded that any time Adam and I were out in public, our private moments were subject to intrusion and speculation. This time though, it angered me on a different level than in the past. None of these people making accusations about Adam and I knew anything about the truth.
ME: THIS ARTICLE IS ABSURD. ADAM AND ARE FINE.
ERICA: WHAT HAPPENED THOUGH? YOU LOOK UPSET.
ME: I WAS JUST HAVING A MOMENT. I’M FINE.
ERICA: WANT ME TO CALL AND WE CAN TALK IT OUT?
ME: NO. I’M GOOD.
That response came quickly. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to Erica about last night.
ERICA: I’M HERE IF U NEED ME. LUV U.
ME: LOVE YOU TOO
My stomach was in knots when I sent the last text and they didn’t go away for the rest of the night.
I didn’t think I could sleep after the game ended. Adam had been pulled in the sixth. He had left the mound trailing the Yankees by two. Luckily the bullpen pulled through and the offense woke up in the ninth inning to give the Red Sox a walk-off win after Emmett Thorne blasted one off the Green Monster, scoring a runner all the way from second.
It had been an exciting win, and before everything, I would’ve been cheering loudly with the rest of Boston, but tonight, I simply sat on the couch, waiting for Adam to get home.
I heard the door unlock around midnight. I could tell he was surprised to see me still sitting on the couch and not in bed where I usually was after games.
“Hey,” he said, walking in and dropping his bag on one of the barstools in the kitchen. “I didn’t think you’d be up.”
“I didn’t think I could sleep,” I responded.
“Is everything okay?” he asked.
“Yeah. I just have a lot on my mind.” I knew this would stop him from saying any more after our conversation last night. He knew I didn’t want to be pressed about my feelings and so I knew he wouldn’t ask.
“Well, I sucked tonight.”
“No, you didn’t,” I said to him as he took off his hoodie and came and sat down next to me.
“Yes, I did, Caroline. It’s okay to admit when I sucked.”
“But, you didn’t. You had a bit of an off night. It’s okay not to be perfect, especially when it comes to baseball. It’s just a game after all,” I said and I saw the way Adam looked at me. After saying them, I knew my words were harsh and I don’t know what had brought me to say them. I knew they weren’t true.
“It might be a game, but it’s my life. It’s my job and when I’m not good at my job, that bothers me.” His tone was just as harsh as mine now.
“I didn’t mean it wasn’t,” I shot back. “I was just saying you don’t have to be perfect all the time, Adam. You’re still going to have a roof over your head and more money than you could ever need.”
His head cocked to the side and he stared at me for a few tense seconds.
“Where is this coming from, Caroline? I was simply talking to you about the game and you turn it into some kind of social justice crusade. You know how hard I’ve worked to get where I am.”
“A lot of people work hard, Adam, but sometimes life doesn’t reflect that. There are real people out there with real problems, but people are too absorbed in themselves to see it.”
“Where the hell is this coming from? I’ve been home for two days and you’ve barely said two words to me. It’s like you’re shut off or something.”
“In case you’ve forgotten, my father died,” I snapped.
“I know that, Caroline, and I’ve been doing everything I can to help you. What else can I do? Tell me!” he said, his voice raising in frustration.
“Well, for starters, it would be nice if every last detail of our lives wasn’t public fodder! Maybe for once I wish you weren’t Adam DeLain!”
“What? What are you talking about?” he asked and I reached for my phone, quickly opening Erica’s message and handing it to him. I watched as his eyes darted across the screen.
“This is bullshit! You know it is! It’s just a bunch of losers who obviously have nothing better to do than live in some fantasy world!”
“This isn’t a fantasy for me though. This is my reality and I can’t even have a damn moment without the world being privy to it!”
“I thought we were over this. I thought you had accepted if we were going to be together, this is part of it. As unfortunate as it is, this is it, Care. You want me, this is part of it!”
“I hate it though! Sometimes I really hate it! Women lusting over you wherever we go, gossips trying to decipher our relationship. I wish we could go back to the farm, the way it used to be.”
“It’s not the way it used to be though. It’s not ever going to be the way it used to be.”
“I know that,” I said softly, a tear streaking down my face. If only he knew what was really behind my outburst. If only he knew the root of my anger. “I just don’t know if I can do it sometimes.”
“Do what?” he asked, his voice laced with nerves.
“This. All of this. Living here. This lifestyle. It’s not who I am.”
He was quiet for a few long seconds, his eyes locking on mine.
“What are you saying?” he finally asked. “Do you want to end this? Do you want that article to be true?”
“No,” I said quickly. The last thing I wanted to do was lose Adam. I couldn’t lose him. Not after everything I’d already lost.
“Then what do you want, Caroline? I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.” He stepped forward, taking my hand gently.
“I can’t,” I whispered, my voice shaking. I watched as his jaw clenched in frustration. He let go of my hand and stepped away.
“Are you trying to push me away?” he asked and I paused for a few seconds before answering.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I answered truthfully, wiping at the tears in my eyes.
“Well, let me know when you figure it out,” he said, his cold eyes meeting mine and then he picked up his bag and stomped upstairs. Tears spilled onto my cheeks as I watched him disappear and then I sat on the couch, burying my face in my hands as I started to sob.
I don’t know how long I cried, but I finally stood up and slowly made my way upstairs. He was already in bed, buried under the covers, curled up on his side.
How could I apologize? How could I tell him it wasn’t anything he had done? I couldn’t. I’d hurt him and I knew I would only continue to hurt him.
I brushed my teeth and then crawled in bed beside him. He was right there, but he felt a million miles away. I found myself reaching for him, resting my hand gently on his back.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, not sure if he was even awake anymore. When he didn’t answer, I knew he was asleep or that he was pretending to be. I wouldn’t blame him, not after the way I’d treated him tonight.
Slowly, I pulled my hand from his back and closed my eyes. It was a long time though before I found sleep.
~~~
When I woke up, the space next to me was empty. Adam was awake and I was quickly reminded of last night. My stomach was already in knots at the thought of seeing him this morning. Adam and I rarely fought and I hated when we did.
I pulled the covers back and then made my way downstairs. Adam wasn’t in the kitchen and I didn’t see him in the living room either, but then I heard a sound from the den. I walked to the door, which was open a crack, and pushed it open a bit more. He was sitting in front of the TV. I could tell he was reviewing tape of last night’s game, looking for ways he could make himself better. He was working, just as any professional does, and I felt even more guilty at trivializing his career. It wasn’t just a game as I’d taunted. It was his job. It was his life.
“Adam?” I said softly.
He reached for the remote, pausing the video and then swiveled around in the desk chair he was sitting in. I wanted him to be smiling, but he wasn’t. He still had the stony expression I remembered from last night.
“Reviewing some tape?” I asked. It was a stupid question. Of course, he was reviewing tape. I just didn’t know what else to say.
“Yeah. Trying to see how I can improve on the game I play so the next time me and the boys get together at the sandlot I can strike a few more people out.” There was sarcasm and a bitterness to his voice I wasn’t used to and it hurt.
“Look, Adam,” I sighed, stepping in further to the room, “about last night and what I said…I’m sorry. I…I don’t know what came over me. I’ve been a mess and then Erica sent me that article and it just compounded everything. I know baseball is not just a game. It’s your career…it’s your life,” I continued, but he interrupted me, standing up from the chair and looking right at me.
“That’s where you’re wrong, Caroline,” he began, “you are my life. Not baseball. You.” I felt a lump forming in my throat as I listened to him. “Baseball is my job and I love it. It’s part of who I am, but it’s not the most important thing to me. You are, but obviously I haven’t done a good enough job showing you that.”
“Adam, you’re an amazing boyfriend…”
“I don’t think I am, not if you feel the way you do.”
“No, Adam. I’ve just been emotional lately. There’s so much on my mind.”
“I know that, but what you said last night…it was an eye opener, Care. You might not think you meant what you said, but you did. There’s always truth to our words. I just want you to be happy, whether it’s here with me or back home in Silver Falls. If this isn’t what you want…this life with me and all the crap that goes along with it, just tell me.”
“I love you, Adam. I want to be with you…it’s just that my mind is an emotional wreck right now.”
“Then tell me, Caroline,” he said, staring at me from across the room, “what can I do to make you happy?”
His words hit me like a shot to the heart. Adam made me happy every second of every day, but there was nothing he could do to fix my sadness.
“It’s not you, Adam. It’s me. There are just some problems you can’t fix.”
A long pause settled over us and his gaze drifted away from my eyes for a few moments until coming back to mine.
“So, we’re exactly where we were last night then,” he finally said.
“I just need some time,” I whispered to him, my eyes filling with tears as the realization hit me as to what I had to do. Hopefully he would understand. There was no other option.
“Whatever you need, Caroline,” he said, a kindness returning to his voice that had been missing since last night.
Cautiously, I crossed the room, stopping when we were only a few inches from each other. I gently stretched up, curling my hand around the base of his neck and pulling him to me.
“I love you, Adam DeLain. Nothing will ever change that,” I said softly, our eyes meeting before I pressed my lips to his, trying to make him believe me.