Twenty-Eight
It took every ounce of energy to sit through the service, listening to the memories of my father spoken by family and friends. I couldn’t speak. Neither could Sawyer or my mom. It was too hard, but Adam had. He had talked about the fact my dad had been a second father to him. That he had never met a man quite like my dad. Strong, loyal, loving. And Adam was right. There wasn’t another man like my dad. By the rest of the stories shared, I knew many people knew that though, which made losing him that much harder.
I was exhausted now as we headed back to the farm after the graveside service. I had never been so tired and I hadn’t even done anything. It was the emotional drain that had robbed my body of any energy and when Adam pulled the rental car up to the house, all I wanted to do was sleep. I couldn’t though. People were coming over to the house for refreshments. I knew it was customary, but I found the whole idea of gathering after a funeral to eat and chit-chat stupid.
My aunts were already there getting everything ready. Erica was there too. She walked over and hugged me sweetly before continuing to help set everything up. I felt I should be doing something, but I couldn’t. Adam stayed by my side and I was grateful he was there. He was my strength.
The house filled quickly and soon it was brimming with people, walking around with appetizers on little plates. I stood by Adam, smiling and nodding and thanking people when they offered their condolences or told me something about my father. I was like a Stepford Wife, saying and doing all the right things when the truth was, I wanted to get away from it all.
I couldn’t take it anymore and after Mr. Olmstead, the man from the feed store, told me what a great man my father had been, I’d thanked him politely, but when he turned away, I excused myself to the bathroom upstairs.
I didn’t go to the bathroom though. I went to my old bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed and trying not to cry. I don’t know how long I sat there, but I was grateful to get away from the crowd.
A knock on the door interrupted my solitude and before I could say anything, the door opened a crack and Adam peeked in.
“Hey,” he said softly. “Can I come in?”
“Of course,” I said, dabbing at the tears that were forming at the corners of my eyes.
He shut the door softly and walked over to me, sitting down on the mattress beside me.
“You’ve been gone a while. I was getting worried,” he said, reaching over and taking my hand.
“I’m sorry. I just needed a chance to take a breath. It was getting a little overwhelming down there.”
“It’s okay,” he said, but I turned to him and shook my head.
“No, it’s not. I should be down there with Sawyer and my mom.”
“It’s okay to take a breather, Care.”
He draped his arm around me and I leaned my head on his shoulder, exhaling deeply.
“My mind is just so messed up right now. I keep telling myself I have to be strong for my mom, but then I break down like this. I don’t know what I’m going to do, Adam. How can I just leave her here alone and go back to Boston?”
He didn’t say anything right away and I felt his back stiffen a little.
“She’s not alone. Sawyer’s here. So is the rest of her family,” he finally said.
“It’s not the same. Sawyer and Lindsey’s house will be done soon and they’ll be out of the stable house and then she’ll be all alone in this big house. Not to mention, how is Sawyer going to run the farm without my dad?”
“None of this needs to be decided right away,” he told me.
“I know that, Adam,” I said, lifting my head from his shoulder and standing up from the bed and walking to the window, looking out at the farm just as I had when I woke up. “I have to think about it though because after today, this is our new reality. The family won’t be here every day. The food will stop coming. Life will go on and I have to think about that.”
It was quiet for a moment as I felt his touch on the small of my back, rubbing in gentle circles.
“What are you saying, Caroline? That you want to move back to Silver Falls? Leave your job at Logics?” he asked softly.
“No, Adam, I’m not saying that,” I answered. “I’m just thinking.”
“Your parents are proud of you. They’re proud of what you’ve accomplished. They wouldn’t want you to stop.”
I closed my eyes, picturing my father at my graduation and when I told him about the job at Logics. He had been proud, just like Adam said. He’d always said he knew how smart I was and how he didn’t understand how a farmer and homemaker had created such a Brainiac, to use his words. He’d always been too modest. Even though neither of my parents had a piece of paper declaring their intelligence, they were both brilliant in their own right.
“I know he was proud of me,” I whispered. “I’m just worried about my mom.”
“Let’s just take it one day at a time. Let’s see how things go before making any decisions.”
“You’re right,” I agreed softly.
“When do you plan to come back to Boston?” he asked.
“My bereavement leave is up on Wednesday. I need to be back by then or maybe I could talk to Ron and get more time. I don’t know,” I said quietly.
“Like I said, take it one day at a time.”
His hand slid around my waist, slowly turning me away from the window to face him.
“For what it’s worth, Caroline,” he began softly, his eyes moving over my face longingly until they rested on mine, “I think you’ve been incredibly strong through all of this.”
I looked away from him for a second, his compliment feeling uncomfortable because I didn’t believe him.
“I don’t feel very strong,” I whispered.
“But you are. You’re an amazing woman, Caroline Hale, and that is why I love you so much.”
I brought my eyes back to his and I felt my mouth pull up into a momentary, reluctant smile.
“You always believe in me, Adam. I don’t know why, but you do.”
“That’s because I know you. I know you deep down inside,” he said softly, his finger resting gently on my sternum. “I know your heart. I know what you’re capable of and, Caroline, you’re capable of anything, including surviving this.”
“I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you in my life right now,” I whispered, tears forming in my eyes.
“Just keep remembering how valuable and irreplaceable I am,” he said with a cute smile and a quiet laugh. I couldn’t help but smile too and it felt good to smile.
“I’ll never forget that, Adam. You’ve already proven it to me too many times.”
I stretched on my tiptoes and gently brushed my lips over his, feeling much lighter than I had when I’d escaped to the bedroom. I’d felt as if I was being crushed from the weight of everything, but now, I felt as if I could breathe again.
“Do you think you’re ready to go back downstairs?” he asked and I nodded.
“I think so,” I answered. He kissed my forehead and took my hand leading me back into the madness that now didn’t seem as scary.
~~~
The house was quiet. The people were gone. I’d complained earlier about the noise of everyone walking around and the quiet hum of their voices, but now in the quiet, I would almost welcome them back.
We were in the living room. Adam and I. Sawyer and Lindsey. And then my mom in the recliner and I almost felt guilty that my brother and I were here with the people we loved while my mom sat alone.
“It was a beautiful service,” Lindsey said in her usual sweet voice. I could tell she was nervous to say it, but I was glad someone had said something.
“It was,” my mom replied.
“So many people came out to pay their respects,” Adam added and my mom looked over to him.
“What you said at the funeral,” she began, “it was lovely, Adam. He always thought of you like a son.” I turned to Adam and I could see by the look on his face that my mother’s words had meant a lot to him. “Thank you for being here. I know it wasn’t easy with your schedule.”
“I wouldn’t have missed it,” he said.
“And you’re heading out tomorrow?” she asked him.
“Yes. I’m meeting back up with the team for the rest of the road trip before returning to Boston,” he said and then my mother looked at me.
“And when are you going back, Caroline? You have to return to work eventually. You’ve been out nearly a week.”
“I’m supposed to be back to work on Wednesday, but I’m sure I could talk to my boss and stay…” I began, but she cut me off.
“Absolutely not,” she said firmly, her tone catching me off guard. “Your dad wouldn’t want you to do anything to jeopardize this opportunity you’ve been given. You’re not staying, Caroline.”
“But, Mom, what if…”
“This isn’t negotiable,” she interrupted. “You’re going back to Boston and to your job and your life there. End of discussion.” Her voice was short and curt, angry almost.
“I just want to make sure everything is okay here,” I said, but she sighed.
“We will be okay. Sawyer’s here. I’m here. We can hire someone if need be. The point is, your life is in Boston. When you took that job, your future started. I won’t have you taking two steps back and neither would your father. Your father would not want his passing to derail everyone’s plans for the future. This might not have been the future we all envisioned, but this is our new reality and I’ll be damned if everything falls apart.”
Her voice was the strongest I’d heard it since I’d come home. I knew grief had different phases, but this was a sudden change and I thought maybe they would be okay without me here after all.
“We’ll keep this farm strong. Your father worked too hard for us to do anything else and, Caroline,” she said, her attention focused on me now, “we can do it while you go back to Boston.”
My eyes drifted to Sawyer and he nodded.
“Listen to Mom, Care, because she’s right. We’ll be fine.” My brother smiled and I believed him. I believed the words he spoke and the words of my mother, which would make my return to Boston a little easier.
Adam reached over and squeezed my hand.
“Okay,” I said softly and then my mom stood up.
“I think I’ll head up to bed now,” she said.
“It’s only seven o’clock,” I protested.
“I’m tired, Caroline,” she said solemnly and I focused on the dark circles under her eyes.
“Let us know if you need anything,” I said and she walked over, kissing the top of my head.
“I will,” she said before giving Adam a hug and then doing the same with my brother and Lindsey. We were quiet as she walked up the stairs and then we heard the sound of her bedroom door shut behind her.
“I’m so worried about her,” I said once I knew she couldn’t hear me.
“Mom’s a strong woman. She’ll get through this. We all will,” Sawyer said, looking around at all of us.
“Is there anything I can do to help? I know it’s going to be a transition without your dad,” Adam began and then seemed to hesitate. “If there’s anything financially you might need…”
“Stop right there, Adam,” Sawyer said curtly. “We’re fine. We’ve always been fine and we’ll continue to be fine.”
The way my brother was looking at Adam made me uncomfortable. We all knew it, but we never talked about it. Adam’s money. I often forgot about his multi-million-dollar contract because to me, he was simply Adam. We didn’t talk about money and since he’d been back in my life, he wasn’t frivolous or extravagant in his life style. We all knew Adam’s bank account was beyond healthy though and when we thought about it, it reinforced how different he was than the rest of us.
“I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m sorry,” Adam said apologetically.
“I appreciate the gesture,” Sawyer began, “but we’re good. Next week we’ll start going through Dad’s affairs and get everything situated. We’ll be fine.”
Their eyes met again and I wished the tension would go away. They had already been through so much in their friendship and this was not the time for it to falter again.
“Adam’s just trying to help, Sawyer,” I said gently, looking at my brother.
“It’s fine, Caroline,” Adam said, taking my hand. “Sawyer’s right. I was wrong to assume. I’m sorry.”
Sawyer sighed and stared down at the floor for a second before looking back to Adam.
“I’m sorry for snapping. I’ve just got a lot on my mind. I know you’re here for us, Adam. Thank you.”
“Always, man,” Adam said, standing up and giving my brother a hug.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay longer?” I asked Sawyer.
“No. You need to get back to work. Dad would kick my ass if I had you giving that up to come back to the farm,” he said with a quiet chuckle that caused me to laugh too.
“He probably would,” I agreed and it grew quiet again.
“I think I’m going to take a cue from Mom,” Sawyer began. “Today wiped me out. I need a shower and then bed. Do you mind, Lindsey?”
“Not at all. I’m exhausted too,” she said, rubbing the small bump on her stomach.
“How have you been feeling, Lindsey?” I asked her. Her pregnancy had gone to the wayside with the events of the week. I wanted to start focusing on the happy things in our life right now and that was my little niece or nephew growing inside of her.
“I’ve been feeling okay. The morning sickness is finally gone, but other than being a little more tired, I feel good,” she said, smiling over to me.
“That’s great,” I said, smiling back.
“We’ll be finding out if we’re having a boy or a girl in a couple of weeks.”
“I can’t wait!” I said excitedly.
“I can’t either,” Sawyer said, reaching over for her and kissing the top of her head before resting his hand on her stomach too. I don’t know why, but my eyes drifted to Adam and I saw he was looking at me too. There was a little smile on his face and I wondered if he was thinking about the same thing I was. I got a flash in my mind of Adam touching my stomach like that, of someday carrying his baby. The thought brought me the first bit of happiness I’d felt since my father died.
Sawyer stood up then, holding his hand out to Lindsey, helping her up.
“If I don’t see you in the morning, have a good flight,” Sawyer said to Adam.
“I’m leaving here before five to get to the airport, so I probably won’t see you. I’ll come back as soon as I can though.”
“Just focus on your game and take care of my sister. We’ve got this here.”
They leaned in for a quick hug and then Adam hugged Lindsey.
“Goodnight, Care,” Sawyer said to me and Lindsey smiled at me.
“Night,” I said to them and then they disappeared out the door, leaving just Adam and I.
When they were gone, Adam came back to the couch, taking his seat beside me.
“I guess we should think about calling it an early night since you have to leave at five a.m.,” I said to him.
“I can sleep on the plane. Right now, I just want to spend time with you.”
He kissed me on the temple and I rested my head on his shoulder.
“How does a movie sound?” he asked, lacing his fingers with mine. “We can get in our pajamas, crawl into bed and just check-out for a little while.”
“That sounds good. I could use an escape after today,” I said to him and a moment later we were walking up the stairs. I changed into my pajamas and he did the same. We brushed our teeth and then climbed under the covers. Adam turned on the TV and we scrolled through Netflix, looking for something to watch.
“What do you want to watch?” he asked me.
“I don’t care as long as it makes me laugh. I need to laugh,” I told him.
“You got it, baby,” he said, settling on a comedy that began streaming onto the screen.
I curled up next to him, his arm around me as I was sucked out of my sadness and into a ridiculous fictional world that actually made me smile and laugh and forget for a little while. When the credits rolled though, that delusion I’d had for the past hour and a half was gone and I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty for the laughter earlier.
“Did you like the movie?” Adam asked me.
“Yeah,” I answered softly. He shifted in the bed so his body was facing mine and he was looking in my eyes.
“It was good to hear you laugh,” he said sweetly, but I didn’t respond. Instead, I looked away from his eyes. I felt his finger gently hook under my chin, turning my face back towards his. “What is it, Caroline?”
“I don’t know,” I said softly after a few moments of silence. “Here I am watching a movie…laughing while this is all happening.
“You can’t let the sadness take over though. Your dad wouldn’t want that. You know that.” His voice was gentle and sweet and I knew he was right.
“I do know that. It’s still hard though.”
He didn’t say anything right away, but he pulled me into him, my back resting to his front and his arms wrapped around my waist, holding me close.
“I won’t pretend to know how you feel, Care,” he said softly into my ear. “I can’t understand, but I’m here, baby, however you’re feeling.”
I was quiet for a few moments, not sure what I even wanted to say to him.
“How am I supposed to go back to Boston as if my family’s world hasn’t just been shattered?” I finally said.
“You don’t go back as if nothing happened, but you keep going and you keep doing all the things you were meant to do, Caroline. You continue to live,” he said softly.
“You make it sound so simple,” I said and even I heard the edge to my voice.
“It’s not simple, but what other choice do you have? What other choice do any of us have?” he said, his words echoing in my mind and a lump formed in my throat.
“There is no other choice,” I answered quietly, wiping at my eyes. “I just miss him. I never thought I could miss someone so much.”
“You’ll always miss him, but he’ll always be with you.”
“You really believe that, Adam?” I asked with a shaky voice.
“I do,” he whispered, the silence settling in again as I rested in his arms until I untangled myself from his embrace and we were laying down in the bed, our heads resting on our pillows so we were facing each other. “What can I do for you, Caroline? Is there anything I can do to make it even a little bit better?” he said into the darkness.
“Just hold me, Adam,” I whispered and nothing else was said. He pulled me into his arms, where I stayed until morning came and then he was gone.